Messages

Thanks Three Roses, much appreciated.

Bad day today. SO majorly triggered me this morning, at least 20mins in EF. Then scraped my head on a bracket sent my pain levels soaring again. Back in my bedroom, doors, windows, curtains shut. Noise canceling headphones on.

I think this is going to be a do nothing more day.

Um, just wow! I want to vomit all over them.

Mmhmm 

 

Well vented.

"Things hanging over my head make me slow down."

I suspect your inner critic will be having a field day over this, tell them to button it!

Enjoy your break.

Hey Phoebes,

For me my thoughts of S were and always are about an escape from the unacknowledged pain. I am finally making progress in addressing that pain.

Hey Wattlebird,

There is an awful lot of resonance in your post. I am still working on regaining connections with my siblings. The scripts I and they were given set us on a collision course that we have yet to fully recover from.

My advice, if I may, is to work out how you can have a safe space to retreat to when you need to. My father's 80th birthday is next month. I have my safe placed planned nearby.

Take care of yourself Kizzie.

I will try to do my bit.

Hi and welcome Sunbeams,

I was high functioning until it all fell apart at age 48. Currently for me a trip to do any shopping is stressful, so I'm not wasting any time looking around to see who else is struggling, I just put on my bravest face and smile.

I wouldn't call it a form of dissociation, rather a real you yearning for a better outcome.

"Act hunger" is what one of my Ts have labelled it.

BeHea1thy,

enjoy your well deserved break.

Hi

I have started working on my next blog post, thought I would share it here in its current state.

My Inner Child.


In my last blog entry I had a diagram of the different parts of me. Slowly through therapy I have worked out there are only three parts to me.

The Frontman - calm, considerate, polite. Appears in times of stress when the relationship with those around me is valued. I can be seething with anger, or have a massive adrenaline rush in stress, but the people around me cannot see this.

The real me, the state I am in most of the time.

My Inner Child - raging in pain and in anger. My Inner Child appears when I do not place any value in the relationships of those around me. After my inner child has finished my memory of the event is sanitised. I think I have been calm and reasonable in stating my needs but word has reached me on a few occasions that there are people who are terrified of me.

When I am triggered in my PTSD I sink into my Inner Child, into the pit of terror and fear. I have been working with my therapists on better ways to support my Inner Child so that the time I spend triggered is shorter. And with practice I am managing this better and better. We have tried different ways of relating to my inner child and it was only last week that I realised the best "person" to make my Inner Child feel safe, supported, acknowledged is "Dr Boy".

Yes, the skills I learnt as a doctor that enabled me to calm and gain the trust of traumatised children are the skills I need to bring to the fore when my Inner Child needs attention. This new way of relating to my Inner Child has brought me to a calmer place. The world feels less threatening now.

However, during this time I have also been monitoring my pulse and blood pressure as it has become clear that my BP is not fully controlled by my current meds. This has lead me to discover that I am running on adrenaline near to 100% of the time that I am awake and functioning. So while I feel calmer inside my threat systems are still on DEFCON 1.

This may also explain my expansive memory. Memories are "laid down" better when there is excess adrenaline in the system. So I have been running high on adrenaline for most of my life.

Welcoming your thoughts on what I have written so far.

Hmmm, I am not sure I am the best person to respond.

Within my own home my significant other would run and hide.

I only learnt from interactions outside my home where there were trusted observers.

And even then it took many years. + Pete Walkers book.