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Messages - Boy22

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I wouldn’t call it a form of dissociation, rather a real you yearning for a better outcome.

“Act hunger” is what one of my Ts have labelled it.

Checking Out / Re: Holiday Hiatus
« on: November 13, 2018, 09:59:55 PM »

enjoy your well deserved break.



I have started working on my next blog post, thought I would share it here in its current state.

My Inner Child.

In my last blog entry I had a diagram of the different parts of me. Slowly through therapy I have worked out there are only three parts to me.

The Frontman - calm, considerate, polite. Appears in times of stress when the relationship with those around me is valued. I can be seething with anger, or have a massive adrenaline rush in stress, but the people around me cannot see this.

The real me, the state I am in most of the time.

My Inner Child - raging in pain and in anger. My Inner Child appears when I do not place any value in the relationships of those around me. After my inner child has finished my memory of the event is sanitised. I think I have been calm and reasonable in stating my needs but word has reached me on a few occasions that there are people who are terrified of me.

When I am triggered in my PTSD I sink into my Inner Child, into the pit of terror and fear. I have been working with my therapists on better ways to support my Inner Child so that the time I spend triggered is shorter. And with practice I am managing this better and better. We have tried different ways of relating to my inner child and it was only last week that I realised the best "person" to make my Inner Child feel safe, supported, acknowledged is "Dr Boy".

Yes, the skills I learnt as a doctor that enabled me to calm and gain the trust of traumatised children are the skills I need to bring to the fore when my Inner Child needs attention. This new way of relating to my Inner Child has brought me to a calmer place. The world feels less threatening now.

However, during this time I have also been monitoring my pulse and blood pressure as it has become clear that my BP is not fully controlled by my current meds. This has lead me to discover that I am running on adrenaline near to 100% of the time that I am awake and functioning. So while I feel calmer inside my threat systems are still on DEFCON 1.

This may also explain my expansive memory. Memories are "laid down" better when there is excess adrenaline in the system. So I have been running high on adrenaline for most of my life.

Welcoming your thoughts on what I have written so far.


Hmmm, I am not sure I am the best person to respond.

Within my own home my significant other would run and hide.

I only learnt from interactions outside my home where there were trusted observers.

And even then it took many years. + Pete Walkers book.

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: November 11, 2018, 10:45:43 PM »
Time out, well deserved.


Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: November 10, 2018, 07:35:53 AM »
Ummm, hey Wattlebird,

The crying thing. The public expression of emotion. Or rather not.

I still don’t understand this. I really don’t understand how other people can emote but I cannot.

I am feeling the same things but my public persona cannot allow it.

General Discussion / Re: Back to school?? No thanks.
« on: November 09, 2018, 08:39:06 PM »
It feels good to at least let it all out.

Yes, here is a good place to do that. And that change in your feelings can give a new view on what is troubling you.

Checking Out / Re: Vacation
« on: November 09, 2018, 07:48:41 AM »
Enjoy your vacation.

I hope you will have some happy memories to share with us on your return.

General Discussion / Re: Can a mind become gifted after injury? TW*
« on: November 09, 2018, 05:36:48 AM »
This problem.

I can only reapond as per my experiences. I have had the opportunity to meet a psychiatrist who shared with me his insights. He said whilst most people see emotions as a rainbow of 6-7 colours, I could see 10+. And I could also see them before the person themselves understood that was what they are feeling.

It is a “symptom” of the abuse that we have suffered. We have learned to interpret certain actions, expressions, tones of voice. We are sensitive and interpretive beyond any measure.

Right down to the other individuals involved ready to deny their true experiences.

I’ve been away for ten days doing a housesit. Something happened between therapy and self work while I was up there so that for the last 3 or so days my alcohol consumption has dropped by 25%.

But then back home this morning and my partner and I have had several miscommunications so
I am struggling to keep it together. Well I was, then he noticed I was upset. I had a little cry and he totally misunderstood me again. I finally got my message through and he agreed he needs to take this back to work on with his therapist.

We might (as in the members of this board) think we a mental cot case, but as many know those around as are far from perfect too. If only they could see that and do some work on themselves.

Hmmm, that helped. I feel more positive now. I do have a partner who accepts and has acted upon the need for therapy for himself so that our relationship functions better.

General Discussion / Re: Adult onset, childhood precursor
« on: November 08, 2018, 02:22:08 PM »
I think you will find yourself understood here.

I can seriously recommend Pete Walkers book CPTSD from surviving to thriving.

Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« on: November 08, 2018, 04:54:52 AM »

I understand your comments re power and bullying.

I also know there are a significant number of people who do not believe in that model, but because of the toxic culture that is the norm they keep themselves well hidden.

As someone on the outside I am just bewildered and aghast. The unbelievable is real? No!

Recovery Journals / Re: How do I say this??
« on: November 07, 2018, 07:38:32 PM »
Hi Three Roses,

Away from everyone and disappear. Wouldn’t that be nice.

A place where there is no-one to trigger or hurt you, no-one to judge you.

Bliss indeed.

I cant send petrol, but I am sending my thoughts of bliss your way.

General Discussion / Re: Self Expression
« on: November 07, 2018, 01:06:03 AM »
I know the totally overwhelmed and unable to begin to even explain it.

Fortunately I had already met a good therapist who I could reconnect with and begin the journey I am still on.

Hi, unfortunately I have no tips but just wanted to say that I get this too, I wake up throughout the night feeling like I’m choking and can’t swallow, have to have a large glass of water with me to ground myself, I also get nightmares that stay with me all day and I regularly have to stop and think was that my nightmare or did it really happen, it’s horrible and I understand how you must be feeling.
Forgive me for wondering, in my case the middle of the night choking was massive acid reflux up my oesophagus then spilling into my lungs. Could be worth checking in with your doctor.

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