Messages

I am sad.

I understand what you are saying about the significance of this event and its shaping of your brain and nerve systems.

Your uncovering of this now is a sign of both how damaged you are and how ready you are to heal.

But being ready can be a frightening thing.

Good luck. 

Pete Walker recommends another book in his dissociation section: coping with trauma related dissociation. By Suzzette Boon & 2 others.

I have found it useful as each section has a set of practical exercises.

Hi plantsandworms,

I stopped work 18months ago, luckily I have good income protection.

I realised sometime after I had stopped that I had created the perfect storm for myself. I had employed people and agreed to contracts with organisations that hit multiple buttons of my cptsd until I was unable to cope any more.

As boatsetsailrose said, it was time to follow the old adage of "physician heal thyself". It is quite a challenge to go from patient to physician and back to patient again. My psychotherapist has to repeatedly remind me that I need to be patient with myself!

Hello kezkel101,

I do not know what journey you are on but find it interesting that you and I have both chosen the word journey. My recover journal here is more long winded but my blog is simply (my first name)'s journey.

I have spent, up until I was 48yrs old, maintaining the outer appearance of someone who has got it all together.

I read a book once, perfectly pitched to me, it had lots of beautiful photographs and few words. It was the story of an (Australian) Aboriginee taking a white man to a particular location - the final beautiful photo in the book and on the opposite page the largest amount of text in the book. In which the white man complained about how the aboriginee had wasted the white mans time getting there. The aboriginee's reply, "Sometimes life is more about the journey than the destination."

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

Welcome LocsosSurvivor60

Yes it is great to be in a place where we are accepted and understood. And also where we can share, learn and grow.

Hi BeHealthy

I learnt to swim at age 4yrs. When I was six we moved to an area with over 40 lakes in the region, my family purchased a boat and the rule was you could only learn to waterski if you could swim over 200 metres which I achieved before I turned 7.

Otherwise there was swimming at school - right through all the years. And then for a period in my 30s and 40s I swam for my exercise.

I can only echo Three Roses.

I scored zero yet on other measures I scored much higher. On yet more measured I am supposed to be of less than average intelligence and lord knows what other pessimistic outcomes.

Lies, lies and damned statistics.

You haven't found your way here without going Francis Underwood to them all.

Hey guys,

Next T session 4 days away. Have managed to do some self work on the hole and it is shrinking, I dont think its as dramatic as I thought - but that how our world rolls right?

The hole is all to do with eating post surgery = more pain. So I learnt to suppress my apetite. Which then lead to epic meltdowns as a child when I had run out of energy and could go no further. My parents learned to make sure I got regular meals and a good sized snack prior to swimming or other activities that I enjoyed and burnt energy doing.

And at the moment I have lost my apetite again. I had put it down to the side effect of one of my drugs, and then when the hole opened I became frightened and confused. I have examined my current apetite and food trends and am sure it is the side effect of the drug.

End result: hole shrunk. Will recheck it with my T to see if I am right or there is more work needed here.

I have no doubt it is cptsd related.

For me and my partner the best response is to hold hands facing each other and respond to the injured persons comments with support. Pause. "Are you with me now, should we carry on or stop and cuddle?"

I just blew my nose and as per usual inspected the results.

I have read on other forum boards disgust projected at those who do so.

Why should I be ashamed of the things my body naturally produces? It does so for a reason. And checking the result gives me feedback on the state of (il)health I may or may not be in.

It is time to free myself from the shackles of judgement. The "wider populace", my FOO, and last but not in the tiniest bit least my inner critic!

What other bodily functions should I celebrate next?

When I ordered Pete Walkers book I told my other half he had to read it first.

He did, and within a few chapters looked at me and said "this book is telling me I didn't have a very good childhood."

I responded, "yes that's why I wanted you to read it."

He is in therapy too now, partly working on his coping with me. Currently he is working on being a better husband as his therapist has told him to red "Getting the love you need", and he has realised that he needs to work on himself to make our relationship better. And of course there is his childhood to be worked upon too.

I've done well today and I will try hard tomorrow as well that's all I can do.

My T has to repeatedly remind me that I have been trying very hard for a very long time and maybe I should give myself a break as part of my self cares. Just managing whatever it is that I can do on any particular day with expecting every day to be full and perfect.

This is a canadian GPs efforts to help members of her community.

https://painimprovement.com

Hi again Jazzy

Believe it or not I am a bit of a foodie (& much more of wine thank you). Even as a teenager left on my own for the weekend my older brother would ring and ask what I was planning for dinner and could I make it for two?

And then my partner got work for a publisher and through him I met specialist food editors and writers. I could name drop but don't feel the need to right now. With their encouragement I learnt more. Because of our love of eating out (back then, not now - too much noise!) we made friends with restaurant owners and chefs and would host them out our house for meals (and vice versa).

So my diet is full of good food, great tastes and again too much wine. I enjoy spending at least an hour preparing dinner. We have a boarder who when I was away for a month greeted me with "Welcome home, I have missed your cooking".

My other half consequently has a BMI approaching 35 and is jealous of my reasonably slim figure. Easy enough to understand now I am on the drugs that kill my appetite, but back when I did have an appetite (of sorts) I was easily "filled up". I have even lost weight while on a two week cruise ship vacation! He put on 8kg.

Pause, please.

A thread I contributed to today along with a movie I watched this evening has opened a huge hole.

Sh... f... expletives in the plural dleted.

I wont say anymore until my next T session.