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Hey Jazzy,

Because I had so many epic meltdowns from inadequate food intake ages 4 - 7 yrs my parents learnt to make sure I regularly ate meals and prior to any significant physical exertion have a good sized snack. Even so my BMI remained below 20 until after I met and moved in with my partner.

Now, the meds I am on have totally killed my apetite. I eat breakfast because I know I need the fruit and fibre to help regulate my problematic GI tract. No lunch. I have no apetite when I sit down to dinner but the food seems to evaporate from my plate at quite a rate. And then late in the evening soon before my next dose of the drug of cause I get ravenous, so we have bags of nuts and other snacks ready for me to eat. My weight fluctuates depending on how much I exercise each week.

Hey mojo,

I used to be very high performing but now just to cope with an undemanding day I need regular rests in a quiet dark room.

Hey jdog,

The appearance stuff is easier for me to work on now, the being well behaved part is going to be a seriously huge challenge so I'm staying well away from that for now.

Firstly I am assuming you are gay, if I am wrong it is because of my own biases and I apologise.

Your teen alter, I am wondering if by seeking older men he is wanting to be desired, to feel a sense of a secure anchor in the older man?

My therapist and I are working not on displacing the desires of the youger parts of me but instead hearing, caring and supporting them to trust that the adult me can make the right choices now and trying to reassure them it will all be good.

 

Well yesterday morning I was congratulating myself on having gone over a week without an EF. Then in the afternoon whilst driving there was an incident of tooting horns and aggressive driving just behind me. Fortunately I was turning off into a side street away from the drama, but my brain was still trying to make sense of what happened when I could feel my inner childs confused terror welling up. I managed to hold myself and tell both my child and the adult me "let it go, you did everything right, it's not your problem" and within seconds the tension melted away and I drove on.

So yay!

And then as I mentioned in Wattlebirds journal I am planning on a minor act of disobedience for my next face to face session with my psychotherapist. My childhood scripts for medical related appointments is to be well groomed, well attired and well behaved. I am going to try to go without having shaved for days (in other words how I usually am), my attire will be ... I'm trying to find the right words ... would not be approved of by my mother and thus will not reach the standard of my inner critic. I used the word dishevelled in Wattlebirds journal and that is the word my inner critic wants to use, but its too harsh and judgemental for I will be wearing clean clothes in a style that were I thirty years younger would be considered "glammed up"!

Wish me luck on that one, but I know for the following week I have two appointments with two different psychiatrists and I know I wont be able to break the script with them. But I am going to tell them of the script for it is affecting their perception of how well or unwell I really am.

Hey Wattlebird, you are there. Your burden is the obstacle between you and recovery.

I have a phone call session with my T this week, and next week it will be another face to face session. I am planning to try and disobey one of my childhood scripts for this and go in a slightly dishevelled state. The major childhood script for me was any "medical" encounter requires me to be well groomed, well attired and well mannered.

Good luck with your next session and I am sure dinner will be gorgeous.

thankyou boy22  .

for me its more about the distress the noise distortions can cause, ... i do not experience physical pain but emotional . and when noises sound weird i end up feeling more trapped at times..

yes, our experiences are different but not dissimilar. As I wake each morning and close the bedroom windows to the traffic sounds I experience a release of tension, tense only moments after waking?

Well you never know just where connections can be made. I received a Facebook message a few days ago from a friend who lives rurally approximately 100km away, she has a friend from Canada who is visiting her. She had shared my blog and the canadian friend now wanted very much to meet me.

So they travelled down today and we have just had 90 minutes together (my maximum before I need a rest). She is a Family Physician with a special interest in pain and mental health - especially PTSD. I have introduced her to Pete Walkers book. She enjoyed meeting another person with whom she could relate ways of interacting that were not power based but instead experiential sharing that empowered patients and more importantly allowed them to share closely guarded parts of themselves without judgement.

We have exchanged emails and plan to engage in further conversation. It will be a learning experience for both of us.

Just had a pleasant afternoon having afternoon tea with old family friends who I have offered to drive them down to my fathers 80th birthday celebrations. They are of a similar age and appreciated the offer particularly as for both me and them it will need to be a three day trip so that we all have the energy for the day of the party.

My return to working was one of their questions. I stated I considered myself retired, not because I never saw myself working again but that I simply did not need the stress of worrying about that and preferred to put my energies into getting myself well. Then when I am well the right opportunity will appear. They enthusiastically endorsed this as an excellent approach.

I felt much better when talking to her, although I think we are going to have to revisit these points again and again before they stick with me.

That rings lots of bells to me, its a refrain my T and I have
T: "Did I tell you about ...."
Me: "Probably, but say it again."

Hey LilyITV, my preference is to tackle one issue at a time. Getting him to your therapist is what I would see as the bigger obstacle. And I am obstinate, I always tackle the bigger obstacle first because after that the rest seem like peanuts.

LilyITV, I am wondering if using a cancer analogy would be useful?

"SO, if I had been diagnosed with cancer would you come with me to meet the surgeons ans the oncologists? ..... Well I need therapy for a serious reason and I would appreciate your support by coming with me to meet my therapist."

Hello and welcome Rainbow2,

I too have noise issues, even pleasant music if played too loud or too long becomes physical pain.

And I have only recently begun to discover and explore the different parts of me.

It is interesting to read the responses in this thread.

I have been lucky to find the right yoga class for me. And today, for the first time ever, I have been able to relax the last part of me that has been locked rigid for who knows how long.