Messages

To Paintedblack

I agree wholeheartedly with you. Here is a sense of belonging. Of being understood. Of being accepted.

Oh the relief!!

Kubali

To Trace

I have learned something valuable about me. Maybe this will help. I realised that if I'm fighting I have already lost.

Surrendering or letting go is something which requires strength wisdom and resilience. We weather things by bending.

Now I endeavour to find a different word. Usually I choose the word RESISTANCE. I ask myself. What truth am I resisting here? Am I trying to control others or am I attempting to manage myself? Picking softer words and subtle vocabulary is solo helpful when we are stressed and tired beyond measure.

If you are tired. Allow it. If you are grieving. Allow it. Listen to your instincts. Allow them to guide you safely.

Kubali

To C

I experienced the self-same thing about my first marriage. I SHOULD have known. Except I didnt. I didn't truly admit to what he was until I left him. They say that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous stage of the relationship. They are right. But I should have known. I could have saved myself 20 years of grief and hardship.

What I have since come to realise is this. Thinking you know gives the illusion of control and security. We none of us enjoy feeling out of control and powerless. We were trained and programmed to be vulnerable and defenceless. Prime targets for the predatory types.

Not knowing something is INNOCENCE. Educating yourself after the event is WISDOM

You have both!

Kubali

Hi there!

Has anyone else truly struggled with this question? I STILL don't know the answer and I'm 52!!

In my childhood I was not allowed to want. In my first marriage I was not allowed to want.

Now I am safe. I have re-located and re- married (8years ago) I have been in Therapy for nearly 2 years and when she asks me this question I always have the same reaction. Just go blank. Then comes the inevitable question "what am I allowed to have?"

Kubali

Hi there!

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing as me. My eldest daughter who chose to live with me following my truly harrowing divorce from her father has recently left home. She has just turned 21 and was ready to go out into the big wide world. Her and a friend have found a lovely new flat and moved in about 3 weeks ago.

My question is this. Has anyone else been through this and had their abandonment issues triggered? I have been having severe flashbacks since she first told me she was leaving home. I managed to keep it together enough to help her move into her new home. But there were days when I would curl up on her old bed and sob and sob despairingly.

After my divorce from her father I relocated to a different county to escape him. She followed me a few months later as he became abusive to her. I had re- married and the three of us became a new family in a safe and loving home. This formed tremendously powerful bond of shared experience and when she left I felt bereft.

My intellect told me that she wasn't leaving me, just leaving home. But sometimes I was overcome with such a deep grief that it shocked and scared me.

There is probably a link between this and me searching for a new outlet. That's when I came here.

Kubali

Sometimes I re-read my children's books. Lots of Enid Blyton and "Famous Five"

I think tho that my favourite stories are "The Siver Brumby" series by Elayne Mitchell. If I'm drawn to read these books I know it means my child needs are asking for comfort and kindness. Just curl up on the sofa and be whisked off to a better place. Lovely!!

Indigochild

I remember the day that the Truth hit me about my Mum.  She was the last remaining family member I had contact with. My sister was the Golden Child and I couldn't take the deceit so I had stopped having contact with her about a year before. It was the same with my Father.  I challenged my Mother about something and she lied. It was a stupid silly lie but it hurt and I decided I couldn't have her in my life anymore.

Some months later I discovered Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website and had been reading some of the posts. Suddenly without warning I felt this enormous blow to my chest. It was like a knife had been stuck in. My heart just seized up. I can still remember the awful dread that my heart actually stopped and the terrible pain ripped through me. I KNEW what she was. I knew that she had NEVER loved me. It was all a lie. Now I had NO family left.

That's when I fell into the Abyss. Three days of hysteria shaking feeling cold then hot. Constantly needing to use the bathroom and nausea. I was in shock. Memories exploding in my brain replaying scenes long forgotten. It was a desperate and terrifying time. Everything was a lie and I was trapped in * and couldn't get out.

That was 7 years ago now. I'm still NC.  So yes it was a shock not only emotionally but mentally and physically as well.

You are also right about the Golden Child becoming Narcissistic. My sister is a Malignant Narcissist and has caused devastation wherever she goes. There is no cure. There is no Justice. But there is healing for the victims. That is the Truth.

I am sorry to hear that it has been the same for you. I know about the numbness and emptiness. It means you need to cry your grief, literally. Teach yourself how to cry. It's the best healing tool in your toolkit. After a while the body takes over and the inner critic or toxic parent voice is overridden. After the sobbing and convulsions have subsided comes the special miracle of RELIEF. This is probably my favourite emotion. Feeling that relief entering the body, easing the heart and calming the soul.

I do hope you progress in your therapy and remember to be kind to yourself.

I like Autumn very much.

Kubali

Stevemac

Your life sounds unbelievably difficult. Probably an understatement! It's understandable utterly that you should feel as you do. It's alien to so many of us to have a 'healthy' attitude to life. What the * is that. It's not in our memory or experience. So I get it that you feel as if you are learning to walk again. I get it about the desire for a visible physical injury. At least that way we can see what we are dealing with instead of groping blindly in the dark.

I have dogs. They are my therapy and the biggest healing tool I have. Beagles full of energy, character and too clever by half. Without them I would be dead. Took a serious overdose 12 years ago. Fortunately/unfortunately I was found and police dragged me off to hospital. There are times when I wrestle about this. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of being attacked.

I am in a better place now. I re-married and re-located. Got a decent therapist. There's a nature reserve opposite so I spend a lot of time there with my dogs. I read my history and spiritual books and wrestle with my demons. But I am safe now. That's real at last.

I don't have any glib answers. It's bloody unfair. Just trying to manage my symptoms. I'm an HSP introvert and an Empath. Makes life deeply uncomfortable. I need a lot of space and alone time. I don't have friends. My choice. Just acquaintances. Again my choice.

Kubali

Indigochild

I 'get' it Totally!

I have a fear that if I'm happy about something then it would be taken away. Truth is that it WAS. So I buried positive feeling just to survive. I guess I lost a lot of them along the way. However I have managed to turn this around a little. I have made myself SEE the truth and the proof that in my new life that doesn't happen anymore.

What changed things for me was the realisation that both my parents and my sister were Narcissists. Two of them are Malignant. I went NC about 7 years ago and my life has slowly improved. I stopped asking the "why" questions about them so that's how I saw that I really understood and KNEW what they were. Once I had a handle on them I could focus on myself and find out what was left of me.

I've been in regular therapy for nearly 2 years. I do the inner work and I try to understand what is REAL. Living with NPD is living in some twisted distorted alternate reality. So my main driver is to know the Truth.

You are right about the appearance thing. My younger sister was beautiful. A beauty queen who looked like a golden angel. I was not. I have stuff about this. You are perceptive. I like that. Makes you interesting to me. Another Truth seeker I think?

I practice and live a gentle spiritual life. I have my demons. But we are on speaking terms now. Inner vision is something I treasure. Everyone has a truth. I like that. Even if it's something which hurts I believe that I needed to hear it and use it to evolve.

Thank you Indigochild. I love the name!!

Kubali

Indigochild

Yes my hand healed quickly. I have never been that concerned with physical wounds and ailments. It's the emotional ones that floor me every time !

Thank you for asking. You seem so very caring and considerate.

Kubali

Hello stevemac

I think I must be in a similar place to you.

I can relate to the sertraline and benefit system! I live in the uk too. Last year I decided to come off sertraline and change to mirtazapine. Like you say a white- knuckle ride. It was *. Then I thought that I would stop meds all together and see what lay underneath. Fear of DEATH is the short story.

Started taking anti-anxieties. It's been rough. Got a PTSD diagnosis finally. Been waiting 20 years for the truth. However my therapist says I have CPTSD. The PTSD relates to an attack by a knife-welding manic. The CPTSD relates to my abusive FOO.

So I "get it" I feel great compassion for those of us who are grievously wounded. And that includes you.

Kubali

Hi SMG

I think the best way to evaluate anyone is to listen to the structure of the language both body and verbal. I try to tune out what is being said and watch for what is not being said. Does that make sense?

Good question to ask is " can you remember the last time you failed at something?" This kind of question if adroitly dropped into the conversation can open the person up. If they do the "yeah but it wasn't my fault" then show them the door politely. If they do the " yeah I really learned something" you are on safer ground.

Do they mirror you at all? Are they listening? Do they speak well of others or are they withering and negative? Your instincts will guide you. Always ask for a follow up visit. For clarification purposes. Are they accommodating and punctual?

Hope this helps

Kubali

Hi Indigochild

My favourite thing to do when I'm raging is to grab a pillow and swing it over the top of my head and bring it crashing down on the bed. Over and over until my arms ache.

It does no damage to anything and has the added advantage of being a) easily accessible and b) soft and comforting for collapsing on afterwards.

Sometimes I do this several times if the rage starts building again. I did the mirror thing for a while, but one day the self-loathing got so bad I puched the mirror and it shattered. I Have stuck with the pillow thing ever since.

Another thing that is a handy useful rage-reducer is to empty out the dirty laundry onto the floor and kick it all round the room as hard as you can.

As you can see I'm into damage limitation now after the episode with the mirror.

Kubali

To Indigochild

Thank you for your lovely reply!

Yes absolutely about the clothes thing! I find that I don't want to ' dress up' at all. It's as if I want to make the worst of myself. You are right about feeling good to wear nice clothes. I have to be in a 'happy place to wear anything pretty. Mostly I'm in jeans and t shirts. I spend lots of time walking my dogs in the country. That's my excuse. But I'm guessing it's actually just rationalising deeply held negative beliefs about my appearance.

I'm sorry that you suffer the agony of social gatherings too. It can be very terrifying and also very lonely and exhausting. I feel for you and send you a comforting hug to say " I understand and accept"

Kubali

To tiasarah

Your story is almost identical to mine. I have been diagnosed with CPSD.

You know what the real tragedy is? We just don't SEE the abuse. That's the ultimate trick of the perpetrators. To convince you that this stuff is ' normal'

The worst thing one human can do to another is screw with their mind. Because our mind is the greatest survival tool we possess.

They don't just Brainwash, they shove it through the ringer too!!

You have been deeply wounded by the people who were supposed to take care of you. You have come to the right place to find information and answers. The next step would be seeking professional help. Doctors and therapists can help you put yourself back together again.
Kubali