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Hi everyone!

Just wondering if anyone has come across this phenomena at all?

I noticed (after many years) that the parts in Self-Help books that I skimmed over thinking "yep, done that or yep I'm ok with this" we're in fact the things I most needed to examine.

It's almost the same kind of dismissal I would receive from my FOO.

So now when I come across anything I think doesn't apply to me, I go back for a second look. And then a third.

Does this ring any bells at all?

Kubali

Thanks C!

I'm wondering if it's related to inner child healing?

Seems interesting to think of it as a gentle safe playtime

Kubali

Charlotte

I agree with Rrecovery. Bradshaw is a good place to start. " healing the shame that binds you" is another of his books and is an excellent healing tool.

Either of these will help you begin the integration process. Just start at the beginning. Take it slowly. Your IC will set the pace for you.

Here's a 'Heads Up' for you. Those parts that you dismiss as irrelevant are the ones that need attention. I know if I avoid something it's a sign that I'm hiding.

Kubali

To sprite

I read your post slowly and carefully. I became involved and started to feel anxious. My God I'm exactly the same!!! Your words became my words.

I have been with my husband now for 10 years and I still do the 'invisible' thing when he has a negative emotion. I feel like I'm being drained by anxiety and I want to FIX IT QUICK so I can be SAFE again. He is wonderfully comforting and supportive of me but I still panic in case the worst thing happens.... I'm going to be all alone and I'm NOT going to make it.

So YES I know.

kubali

To Indigochild

I related to your post absolutely and completely.

A while back I attended a 'posh' wedding. Weekend stay in a country house. I was paralysed with anxiety for a month beforehand. Pretty much sabotaged my ' outfit' refused to buy appropriate clothing etc. So I felt totally alienated and worthless. Had a MASSIVE flashback in the evening. Filled with shame self-loathing and hate. Retreated to my room and cried my eyes out. It was a truly horrible night. I felt like a defective freak and I thought that everyone there would think the same.

Didn't sleep that night and crept away the next morning with my tail firmly between my legs.

So yes I am truly afraid of social encounters. The older I get the more ugly and unattractive I feel. The shame and anxiety are terrifying.

Kubali

Hello Skims

Thank you for sharing your 'story' I think you are very brave to have come through everything. Especially with your curiosity and determination intact. I believe it's those qualities that will benefit you greatly on your healing journey.

Psychoeducation is an absolute Godsend for those of us who suffer. I'm really glad that you are finding your way through. That's fantastic for you!

Kubali

To BeHealthy.

I truly believe that we DO know everything. There is a place where everything is known. And Yes we get to feel it in our deepest self.

Just that we got scrambled and are unable to decipher our way through the constant chatter.

I have a favourite maxim. "The Truth comes from a place of Peace"

Heartsease.

Kubali

Hello everyone

A while back my niece bought me a beautiful book called "Enchanted Forest. An inky quest and colouring book" I have been colouring in again!!

I'm finding it soothing, relaxing and absorbing. It is incredibly helpful especially after an intense fear-filled flashback. It brings me nicely back to the present moment. Softly and gently easing back, without the harsh reality slapping me in the face.

I thoroughly recommend this activity. It's creative and always gives a sense of achievement. These positives are truly welcome. It's nothing spectacular, but it's mine. Does any one know what I mean?

Kubali

To Boatsetsailrose

Wow that sounds fabulous! XXXXXXX is about 1 1/2 hours from me. I love it there. Your walking group sounds so wonderfully healing. I wish I had the confidence to join a group. I'm horribly prone to isolating behaviours still. But I walk miles with my dogs.

In Pete Walkers book he said that some people are so traumatised that they can only cope with pets and books. That's me. I want to try and change this tho. Sooner rather than later. I worry about it all the time. The programming is still so strong.

Kubali

Hi ET

I do have a resolution to the emptiness. However it's something I can't always do, but it works every time. It's simple really, but so hard. Crying. Just that. Force myself to cry.

If you are anything like me crying doesn't come easy. Suppose I was trained to keep it locked in. But one day I overcame the inner critic and just sobbed and sobbed. My God, the RELIEF!!

So now when the emptiness gets unbearable I put on a sad film and cry my heart out. Works every time. Emptiness goes and afterwards a kind of peace steals over me. I think it's like giving myself a Jump Start. I also notice that when I start crying almost immediately the Hidden trigger reveals itself and although I'm crying originally about the film, within moments the REAL hurt surfaces. Then the grieving begins.

Like I said earlier it's hard to go against the programming. It's anti-script isn't it? Now I cry more easily but it's taken years and I'm still grieving.

I do hope this helps you. Apparently tears release healing chemicals. I tell myself that when I don't feel weepy in the slightest. Just hard and cold inside. Those are the worst times. That's when I truly need to cry the most.

Try it and see if it works for you. Find that release.

Kubali

I think the first real boundary I set ( and kept) was the decision to NOT send my Nmother a birthday card. I agonised for a whole month beforehand. The fear was immense!!

That was 6/7 years ago and I have been No Contact with my FOO ever since.

Sad thing is, I was in 46 when I did it. Good thing is, I DID IT !!!!

Kubali

Hi ET

Yes I have a lot of emptiness too. I like the analogy of the two films you used. That seems to sum it up nicely. For me they mesh because I feel nothing for either the inner or outer world. Although I think that I should feel at least something for the outer one.

I have discovered that there is a link for me between a trigger and emptiness. Sometimes the Trigger occurs deep underground like an earthquake and so it just feels like a mild tremor to begin with. After a while I go to the empty space. Sometimes it can be a few days. Sometimes a few hours. It always ends with me grieving a hurt. But it takes time to percolate to the surface. Like forces are processing out of conscious awareness and all the energy has been directed there. So there is nothing left but emptiness on the surface.
I agree it's achingly painful and a very lonely place
Kubali

To Jes5ie16

How horrid for you! That sounds so unfair. People can be unbelievably cruel. I'm sorry to hear how badly you are suffering

I'm wondering whether the intensity of the nightmares is directly linked to the Therapy? We sometimes think that Therapy will help us recover immediately. I know I did. I forgot that digging around in my mind will turn up a lot of dirt. That's the point isn't it? To take a look at what is harming us. This has to happen first before we can bed everything back down again and put it to rest.

It's so painfu. It's unfair. However it's the healing process. Tell yourself it's the beginning of your healing journey. Remind yourself that you are cleaning out the attic for a bloody good reason! Your peace of mind which is priceless and precious.

I think you are extraordinarily brave and have shown tremendous courage and endurance.

Kubali

To Jdog

I'm glad you had a rant! It's good to express yourself.

Yes the body is the physical manifestation of the mind. So many aches and pains to find room for. I hold all my pain in the back shoulders and neck region. So many things going haywire there! Obviously result from feeling crushed burdened shamed and overwhelmed.

How about you? What is your body saying? It's ok if this is too personal, sometimes generalising can be helpful. Sometimes not.

I wish you well in any case

Kubali

To Kitsie

Your upcoming trip sounds heavenly!! How glorious for you. I Hope you have a fantastic time. I'm totally with you about the National Gallery. I love History. Did a degree in it years ago! One of the best times of my life. Truly free for the first time. I have thought about why I love history so much. Came to the conclusion that they are all dead and can't hurt me.

I'm the same re strangers. I'm far more comfortable with them than anyone else. No emotional investment I guess. I'm at my happiest out in the country with my dogs and no one else in sight. Can be relaxed, myself and at peace. How about you?

Kubali