I'm sorry if this post is longish and a bit unsorted, I am still trying to sort it out and hope telling you will help me doing this.
When I was a child, my father used to rant a lot about his younger and only brother: telling stories how his brother was taking advantage of him, how he was using clever tactics to get more than his fair share from their parents, how he tricked him into having to work much more than his fair share for their parents. I've heard the topic endless times. And because my uncle was painted so ill willed and almost evil and because i believed the stories to be true, I avoided him and never really got to know him. And my father has stopped inviting his brother long ago, so we never met. And I always assumed they both were angry at each other and disliked each other.
And finally my father cared for my grandmother when she was very old, and while she lived under his roof and care, she changed her testament and disinherited my uncle and gave everything to my father. He had urged her to do so, and she had done so. So, after her death, my uncle was shocked and disappointed and my father found it served him right.
Now I am almost 50 and found the courage to call him. He was surprised, of course, but friendly and open and encouraged me to ask questions. I told him that it had been a neverending issue through my whole childhood: my father being mad at him, and I asked him: what happened between both of you that your relationship was so bad? When did it start to deteriorate? What has caused such hostility? What series of events led to this harsh testament?
I was very surprised that my uncle said: he did not hold a grudge against my father until he started urging his mother to chage her will. from his Point of view, he and his brother lived rather separate lives but their relationship was just distant, not bad or filled with grudge.
I inquired futher, citing examples of stories told to me, how he had allegedly cheated and tricked my father. He told me completely different versions of these stories and added that my father had never talked to him about all the accusations. He sounded surprised while telling me this, and a bit hurt, but very matter-of-fact and not agitated at all.
When our talk was over, my head was spinning for an hour. I am completely baffled. For the first time in my life i consider it really possible that my father has some personality disorder, that he made these stories up. That he told the stories in a way that allowed him to vilify his brother, even though I really don't understand what good it did to him. Like paranoia, or like a compulsion to anger and self-righteousness. I know that this is a very harsh verdict, and that i cannot prove anything. But it felt very, very convincing: these stories I was told were... lies. Lies that served as a justification to punish someone. Lies that served as reasons to be angry and righteous. Lies that poisoned relationships. Lies that robbed my of having an uncle. Lies that had some strange influence on me that I still have to find out and understand. Lies that made me lose trust in my father, in my family, in those I would have needed to heal from living in a marinade of lies. Whew!
When I was a child, my father used to rant a lot about his younger and only brother: telling stories how his brother was taking advantage of him, how he was using clever tactics to get more than his fair share from their parents, how he tricked him into having to work much more than his fair share for their parents. I've heard the topic endless times. And because my uncle was painted so ill willed and almost evil and because i believed the stories to be true, I avoided him and never really got to know him. And my father has stopped inviting his brother long ago, so we never met. And I always assumed they both were angry at each other and disliked each other.
And finally my father cared for my grandmother when she was very old, and while she lived under his roof and care, she changed her testament and disinherited my uncle and gave everything to my father. He had urged her to do so, and she had done so. So, after her death, my uncle was shocked and disappointed and my father found it served him right.
Now I am almost 50 and found the courage to call him. He was surprised, of course, but friendly and open and encouraged me to ask questions. I told him that it had been a neverending issue through my whole childhood: my father being mad at him, and I asked him: what happened between both of you that your relationship was so bad? When did it start to deteriorate? What has caused such hostility? What series of events led to this harsh testament?
I was very surprised that my uncle said: he did not hold a grudge against my father until he started urging his mother to chage her will. from his Point of view, he and his brother lived rather separate lives but their relationship was just distant, not bad or filled with grudge.
I inquired futher, citing examples of stories told to me, how he had allegedly cheated and tricked my father. He told me completely different versions of these stories and added that my father had never talked to him about all the accusations. He sounded surprised while telling me this, and a bit hurt, but very matter-of-fact and not agitated at all.
When our talk was over, my head was spinning for an hour. I am completely baffled. For the first time in my life i consider it really possible that my father has some personality disorder, that he made these stories up. That he told the stories in a way that allowed him to vilify his brother, even though I really don't understand what good it did to him. Like paranoia, or like a compulsion to anger and self-righteousness. I know that this is a very harsh verdict, and that i cannot prove anything. But it felt very, very convincing: these stories I was told were... lies. Lies that served as a justification to punish someone. Lies that served as reasons to be angry and righteous. Lies that poisoned relationships. Lies that robbed my of having an uncle. Lies that had some strange influence on me that I still have to find out and understand. Lies that made me lose trust in my father, in my family, in those I would have needed to heal from living in a marinade of lies. Whew!