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Elphanigh, one thing I've been wondering about....I've been undergoing therapy for a few months now and I'm seeing progress, but sometimes I feel concerned that it all feels so mechanical.  It doesn't come naturally to me.   I have to think about what emotions I'm feeling.  I have to think about whether I'm having a flashback.  I have to use DEARMAN whenever I need to ask someone for something.  Being aware of my inner and outer critics.
Think about whether I'm responding to my emotions or reacting, etc, etc. etc.   

Have you gotten to the point where all of this comes more naturally to you or do you still have to put in a lot of energy thinking it all through?

For me it was necessary.  I never would have been able to make sense of why I am the way I am without some outside help.  I think finding the right therapist is also key.  I really lucked up with mine.  I didn't do much research at all and ended up with someone I have a great rapport with and who also pushes me beyond my comfort zone when she feels I am ready. 

Congratulations!  You are a source of inspiration and hope for us all!  At times I feel stuck and like I'll never fully rejoin the human race.  Seeing your great progress shows me that there is hope and to keep on with the hard work. 

Before I found out about C-PTSD, I discovered that exercise was a great way to improve my mood.  Exercise was especially great during those times where I felt my problems were overwhelming.   It's probably the best thing for controlling my anxiety.  Everything seems to be so much clearer after I work up a sweat.  Running is the best for me because when I run I'm able to focus on things other than my problems and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors or my music. 

There have been times in my life where I exercise just to get the boost in mood, rather than to lose/maintain weight. 

Three Roses, I loved your response!

B1ackbird, I can definitely relate to why you stay with your husband.  Although I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, I was in an emotionally abusive one for 10 years in my youth.  When I left the relationship, even I didn't understand why I had stayed in  such a relationship so long but now I do after learning about C-PTSD.

I realized how traumatic emotional abuse and neglect is when I observe my daughter and her friends.  She is 8 now and at that age where she communicates in words, but big emotional upsets still come out in a very pure form.  For some reason, there is nothing so sad as seeing a little kid this age cry.   The things that make them cry--the last day of summer camp, moving to a new school, a mean comment by a person they thought was a friend, being reprimanded in front of the class by the teacher, finding out you are the only one whose mom didn't come eat lunch with you--these things are very upsetting to children this age but seem very minor to us now.   But at that age, these things make up 100% of their life.

Then when I compare with the emotional upsets I had in my life that led to my C-PTSD, it's easy to see why they affected me.  Imagine having something that is hugely upsetting in your 8 year old world and then coming home and instead of getting a hug, you get further criticized and shamed.  Then imagine that happening every day again and again when you're still in your formative  years--yes it all makes sense to me now. 

And those are the things that seem "minor" to us as adults.  When you're talking about feeling like your mother has abandoned you or doesn't love you--that is devastating even for adults.   

I guess emotional abuse is harder for people to grasp because with physical abuse, you can see the harm done, but with emotional abuse the wounds are not visible. 

B1ckbird,  I'm so glad you came here.  I know for me, I felt like I finally found a place where people truly understood how I feel and think  because they had been going through it too.   One of the characteristics of someone suffering from C-PTSD is feeling like you are different from other people.  Being here and finding out about C-PTSD made me feel "normal" in a way because it helped me to understand that trauma causes certain predictable responses in people.    It's so true that it's not critical that you get the C-PTSD label or formal diagnosis.  I've been going to therapy for months and my therapist hasn't shared with me any kind of diagnosis.   

This is such a big step that you are taking even coming here.  It is so hard to go through life in fear and dealing with it all on your own.  As human beings, we are social creatures and we need each other to be happy.  The cruel thing about C-PTSD is that we've been taught through trauma to fear and reject the very thing we need to be happy and free--relationships with other people. 

When you get ready to seek out therapy, you will see how much a good therapist can help point out your blind spots in your thinking.  For instance, you stated that "I feel like I have a unique situation with my husband."  C-PTSD has a way of making you feel that  you are different from other people and that you and you alone are the only person dealing with the issues that you are dealing with, which in turn might cause you to isolate yourself because you believe that no one else would ever understand what you're dealing with. 

C-PTSD also causes black or white thinking.  Your husband doesn't have to be 100% bad to be abusive.  Even the most cruel and heartless people who have ever walked the earth were not 100% bad.   The abuse I experienced was in childhood and it is still hard for me to call it abuse because I remember so many good things about my parents and know that they loved me and know that they did not mean to cause me harm. I'm realizing that I can still love my parents while still recognizing that what they did to me was abuse. 

Anyway, good luck and so glad to see you posting here. 

Bumping this thread up because now I'm at the point in my journey where I've been formally introduced to my Outer Critic.   I've spent the past eight months or so trying to contain my inner critic and now it seems my therapist thinks it's time for me to start battling the Outer Critic.   

I used to deny to myself that I didn't like certain people in my life and that they did things that annoyed me.  I kept my negative feelings about them to myself or I whitewashed what I actually felt.  Lately in therapy I've been feeling freer to fess up that deep down I do not like these people and wish they were out of my life completely.   Since I've opened up in this way, now my therapist seems to switched gears.

The following from Pete Walker is spot on when it comes to where I'm at with my Outer Critic.

Unfortunately, in early recovery the outer critic often seems to become worse, bigger, and stronger the more we notice and challenge it. We may even think we are
counterproductively stirring it up by daring to resist it. What is really happening however
is that we are experiencing an erosion of dissociation, which then provides us with a more
accurate perception of our psyche's addiction to drasticizing and passing judgment.

My therapist is trying to get me to engage with the people I don't like instead of just cutting them off and avoiding them--something I very strongly want to do.  According to Pete Walker, this is characteristic of a Freeze type.   

With my husband, the Outer Critic sends me into Fawn mode.  Instead of sharing with him my true self and negative or upsetting feelings I may have, I think about his negative qualities and convince myself it's safer just to keep those feelings to myself.   

It took me a while to get my mind around the concept of an Outer Critic.  Now that it's time for me to face him, I think I am more terrified than I was at challenging the inner critic. 

Wow.  Thanks so much for sharing.   I love your writing and the detail you go into in describing your emotional processes.  You really do sound like you're making huge strides. 

"scared and avoidant".  Yup that's me in a nutshell.  I will be following with interest your work in this area. 

Very interesting article.  It really makes a lot of good points that ring so true to me.  I need to reread this a few times to fully process this. 

That sounds like a wonderful place and the perfect place to heal!  Well worth the money!

You are dealing with so much, and then to break your wrist... I'm so sorry.      It's good to see you have people who are supporting you in this difficult time. 

Nothing good or bad lasts forever...

OMG that is so awful!  There was a time in the U.S. when people fiercely protected the right to privacy but since 9/11, people have been so willing to chuck the principles our founding fathers fought and died for all out of the window.  All out of fear.

I am very reluctant to visit other countries for this reason or even to fly.  I'd rather drive 10-12 hours than give up all my civil rights to a tyrannical TSA agent. 

This was a great read!! 

OMG that is awful!  And they handled it in such an insensitive way.  They could have let you know in advance  and explained to you what was going on better.  I'm with Kizzie.  Maybe if you can get in touch with someone they can make it right for you.  Just reading your post makes me feel they have made a huge mistake.