Hi, I just turned 44 and have just started therapy for the first time, quite accidentally. It started because I wanted help in relating to my 16 year old stepdaughter, who came to live with us full time a few months ago. That phase of it was so helpful and I built a great rapport with my therapist, which then led me to seek help for myself.
I have struggled with social anxiety my whole life and never could figure out what was wrong or even if something was wrong. After, trying really hard and blundering about, I have been able to have modest success in my professional life and been able to get married and have two kids. Still, I never feel fulfilled, never feel able to assert myself, never feeling like I am touch with my "real" self.
The most mindblowing realization is that my childhood was not "normal" and actually could be considered abusive--I had thought in order to be abusive, your parents had to be starving you or putting out cigarette butts on you or something. My father was overbearing and controlling. His go-to form of discipline was beatings with a belt. For my dad, his utmost objective was to be in control. So I was punished for engaging in behavior that was completely normal for a child. But what was worse was the emotional abuse and neglect. My dad thought that emotions were completely useless and irrelevant. I was never comforted as a child, we never said I love you, and I was taught to bury my emotions to comply with my fathers demands. My dad created an environment that was oppressive and felt like cult-like.
My mother was also emotionally neglectful, but hers was much milder as it was unintentional. She struggled with mental illness her entire life. She couldn't stand to see me cry and would yell at me when she saw me. She was always ashamed of her illness. Both she and my father were very filled with shame and what others thought of them, and passed those feelings down to me. Their relationship was very chaotic and drama-filled in my early life, and I was completely neglected emotionally when my brother was born when I was 9--My mother realized I had not had a happy childhood, and kind of wanted to start over with my brother, leaving me feeling broken, defective and discarded. In time she realized what she had done and spent the rest of her life trying to make amends.
I have been going to therapy for three weeks. My therapist has not shared her diagnoses of me, but it's quite obvious that C-PTSD is one of them. We talk a lot about trauma and silencing the inner critic. A big problem for me is self-isolation. I also have problems setting boundaries, asking for and accepting help and trusting others. I have always known I had problems but never really could understand how the parts fit into the whole. I had begun to believe that it was just who I am and I'd have to just accept it.
It seems overwhelming but then I found this site and I am hopeful reading the accounts of so many others who are going through the same thing. I see that there is a huge debate about whether C-PTSD can be "cured", but I am happy just knowing that it can be managed.
I have struggled with social anxiety my whole life and never could figure out what was wrong or even if something was wrong. After, trying really hard and blundering about, I have been able to have modest success in my professional life and been able to get married and have two kids. Still, I never feel fulfilled, never feel able to assert myself, never feeling like I am touch with my "real" self.
The most mindblowing realization is that my childhood was not "normal" and actually could be considered abusive--I had thought in order to be abusive, your parents had to be starving you or putting out cigarette butts on you or something. My father was overbearing and controlling. His go-to form of discipline was beatings with a belt. For my dad, his utmost objective was to be in control. So I was punished for engaging in behavior that was completely normal for a child. But what was worse was the emotional abuse and neglect. My dad thought that emotions were completely useless and irrelevant. I was never comforted as a child, we never said I love you, and I was taught to bury my emotions to comply with my fathers demands. My dad created an environment that was oppressive and felt like cult-like.
My mother was also emotionally neglectful, but hers was much milder as it was unintentional. She struggled with mental illness her entire life. She couldn't stand to see me cry and would yell at me when she saw me. She was always ashamed of her illness. Both she and my father were very filled with shame and what others thought of them, and passed those feelings down to me. Their relationship was very chaotic and drama-filled in my early life, and I was completely neglected emotionally when my brother was born when I was 9--My mother realized I had not had a happy childhood, and kind of wanted to start over with my brother, leaving me feeling broken, defective and discarded. In time she realized what she had done and spent the rest of her life trying to make amends.
I have been going to therapy for three weeks. My therapist has not shared her diagnoses of me, but it's quite obvious that C-PTSD is one of them. We talk a lot about trauma and silencing the inner critic. A big problem for me is self-isolation. I also have problems setting boundaries, asking for and accepting help and trusting others. I have always known I had problems but never really could understand how the parts fit into the whole. I had begun to believe that it was just who I am and I'd have to just accept it.
It seems overwhelming but then I found this site and I am hopeful reading the accounts of so many others who are going through the same thing. I see that there is a huge debate about whether C-PTSD can be "cured", but I am happy just knowing that it can be managed.