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Not much that I can add here. It really still amazes me how...no matter what the abuse, we all still end up in the same place. The emotional abuse though...I've been dealing with lot of anger and feelings of injustice around the fact that it's so ignored, so downplayed. How easily they get away with it. Especially the cases where PD's come into play.

And it's funny, last night I was watching an episode of Son's of Anarchy...and after all I've recently learned about PD's, I'm seeing all a lot of BPD traits in the Gemma character. And it made me wonder how many other characters on TV "normalize" that kind of behavior.

Anyway, what I did want to post was something interesting that I came across recently about CEN or Childhood Emotional Neglect. The way this woman puts it, there is a difference between neglect and abuse. Those who were abused were absolutely neglected, because they're mutually exclusive states...but not all neglected children were abused. She explains more on her website. I haven't checked out her book yet.

http://www.emotionalneglect.com/

Thank you all for the really sweet welcome!

Rain - yes. I too am hopeful about all the advances in the psychological field as well. Psychology is fascinating to me in and of itself. I don't know if I was always interested in why people do the things that they do...if I'd have come to the field on my own, or if it was because at an early age I needed to know why my mom treated me the way that she did, why she was the way she was. So, I just got my bachelors in psychology. I'm hoping to clean up more of my "stuff" so that I can handle the rigors of a Masters Program in counseling so that I can put all that I've learned to good use.

The thing that I find to be most hopeful and inspiring is all the work that's come out in the last decade about neuroplasticity. It was really difficult to start reading about the effects of abuse, and chronic stress on the brain. I remember being very distressed at the idea that I was just going to be "broken" because of the things that had happened to me. And sure, there may be things that are irreversible, but there's so much that IS reversible.

Kizzie - when I talk about avoidance behaviors I'm talking about things like watching entirely too much TV and not getting anything done. Getting lost in books for weeks at a time, movies, the internet...anything that takes me out of the "now" and dealing with my feelings. They're coping mechanisms that I developed when I was very young. I was an avid reader from the moment I COULD read - I was a social outcast and things at home were awful, so books became my refuge. I had a steady stream of romance novels from a friend's parents who were part of a romance book club, who just gave me bags of them. Of course, that kind of fantasy, for a girl so young who already had serious daddy issues - (dad left when I was 7) - just set my brain up for a whole lot of escapist badness.

I've got a slightly obssessive compulsive personality, so I'll start binge watching shows, and like...can't stop. Same with books. I read a lot of series, and I have a few favorites that if I allow myself to get into...I can't stop. Even a single book, if it's good...I just can't make myself put it down.

I've thanked my lucky stars more than once that I seem to not have a great tolerance for drugs and alcohol...otherwise, I'm almost certain that I'd have a serious substance abuse issue.

In terms of the filters, perhaps I'll find or start a topic that I can contribute more to, but for now...I'll just say that I'm finding mindfulness, and cultivating my inner "observer" to be paramount to that process. Being able to slow my thoughts down enough to be able to pinpoint the "bad tapes" and then intentionally "re-recording" them. I've even taken to writing down in my journal what the "bad tapes" are saying, and then writing down what I want them to say instead.

^^that's been a long process.

Rain - I'm a very visual person, so much of my inner work has been done with visualizations. I have a "safe place" that I have built in my head where I do meditations, healing, and communicate with my "higher self" which is also like, future me...healed, strong, balanced, capable - all the things that I've been wishing that I was for so many years. The gap between she and I is getting smaller. She does not feel so "other" as she has before.

As far as my critic...a few years ago, I recognized how "fragmented" I was. (I swear I was just a few trauma's away from a split personality). I had/have all these different aspects of myself...so I decided that it was time that we all started working together. This kind of integrates both my inner child work and critic stuff. I envisioned a "board room" of sorts, where we all get to sit around a round table, discussing things. Some of my aspects change, but my inner child is always there...and sometimes we color together, or I sit and talk with her to find out what she's frightened about, or reassure her.

When my critic was out of control, I used to envision how it felt. Like she was sitting beside me, in the board room, in real life, just constantly poking at my side with a sharp dagger. The intensity varied, and my ability to withstand the constant torture varied. Some days, I'd just be sitting there, talking normally, while my side bled, and she kept poking, and no one noticed the giant red stain on my shirt. Some days, I'd fallen out of my chair and I'd just lay on the floor, while she kicked me.

Then I built her a locked closet.

In the corner, I made a little closet/room with a door that I could lock from the outside. I started talking back, sometimes I'd envision physically taking her and shoving her into that room, slamming the door, and locking it. She would either get quiet, or her voice would be very dim through the door.

I did that for years too. And again, it all depended on my strength. There were days when she was locked up tight, and there were days when that door was blown off it's hinges and she was at it again.

Most recently, I've started talking to her, giving her gratitude. I learned about the ways that the critic is actually trying to keep us "safe" in a super twisted tough love kind of way. (Did you see the link I posted somewhere to the excerpt for that Self-Esteem book? It explains that.) Exactly like my mother used to, actually. So, I acknowledge whatever it is that she's trying to keep me safe from, and suggest that we try it another way. Point out that her way is not working, it's not necessary, I can handle it myself.

Our conversations are getting much more civil.

The biggest change that came recently though was when I recognized myself in an article that I read about demand resistance. Out of nowhere there was suddenly this really angry little boy inside of me (I am definitely a girl, so that's kind of weird) who just got sick and tired of being told what to do by everyone, including me, having everything fun turned into a "should" "need to" or "must" and who just started screaming "You're not the boss of me!"

It was like we were playing tug of war, me trying to get things done, not getting them done, and then tearing myself apart because of it. I recently just..dropped the rope, kind of put him in charge. That critical voice got waaaaay quiet. It was kind of amazing. I'm still not getting done what I want to get done, yet, but...my head is a much more peaceful place right now and I'm, for the first time, able to FEEL myself loving myself, despite the things I'm not getting done. I have a gut feeling that it's only a matter of time before I start naturally doing the things that need to be done because I WANT to do them...not because I'm guilting/shaming myself into doing them.

Also...I named my critic Bi*chface McMeany Pants.

Emotion Overload - It does get better. It's just so slow sometimes that it definitely doesn't look like it is. I think all the tricks that we can use to maintain perspective is one of the more important aspects of all of this. As someone mentioned, the "negative filter" that we all have which causes us to get mired in the negatives, immediately discounting the forward progress. I LOVE Pam's "positive notebook". I too have started making little lists of things in my journal that have improved greatly. I've caught myself recently where you are...freaking out about the fact that the stuff that *I* want to be working on, that *I* think needs to change, doesn't seem to be budging. Except...there are a bunch of other areas that I HAVE improved on. And for all I know, those issues that I've been internally tantruming about might be on the bottom of this pile of crap...and maybe I'm halfway down, trying to sort it and get it all out of the way to get to those behaviors.

I'm working on having patience, and faith in my process.

And, speaking specifically to your "numbing" issue...I KNOW that that can get better...because I had the same exact issue 5 years ago. Complete with really scary dissociative episodes that felt like I got slipped some brown acid. Seriously scary. But, the numbing was a serious issue for years. The behaviors that I'm struggling with right now are escapist behaviors, so in some ways I still numb...but it isn't a constant state that I live in anymore. I can feel sadness, and joy again. It was a long, slow process though - and at times even now...even joy is too intense for me to handle and I sort of "switch off". I have much more control over that switch now though.

Rain - I do a lot of "inner kid" and critic work too. Your description of how you deal with yours made me smile. I love how creative and inventive we can get in dealing with these issues.

I came across something a while back that was incredibly helpful to me in understanding the "brainwashing" that went on in my family. This wasn't necessarily the intentional kind that results in power and control, but the kind that happens when your family teaches you, in implicit ways, that "hurtful actions" = "love".

This podcast isn't directly related to abuse, or healing from abuse, and in fact I think in the end he wraps it up with equating how this mentality gets translated into indoctrination by the State - political stuff, but he does do a lot of FOO work because he believes that a lot of the dependence on the State starts with the abuses in our families. (I don't agree with some of his stuff - he basically thinks ALL parents are abusive - but THIS podcast was like...paradigm altering for me.) I refer to the invisible apple all the time and it makes so much sense in regards to abusive people teaching us that their abuse = love and how that influences the ways that we interact with the world. 

I'd love to know if anyone else listens to it/reads the transcript and gets the same thing out of it that I did.

Here's the transcript - http://freedomain.blogspot.com/2007/12/transcript-of-freedomain-radio-podcast.html
Here's the video podcast - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxYJOBaXQww

I've been delving pretty deeply into some of my history with abuse to heal some pretty big issues that are holding me back in my life and I just came across the description for C-PTSD.

I'm floored.

And p'd off that I've seen 4 therapists and 3 psychiatrists in the last four years and not one of them has ever mentioned the possibility of it. I was initially diagnosed with PTSD, but my first therapist was incompetent, and while all of the others asked me about it, usually after I brought it up, the questions that I got were about classic PTSD symptoms. Am I having flashbacks. No. Do I have nightmares? No. Never mind that I completely loose my sh-t around parents who are hitting their kids, about to hit their kids, or even THREATEN to hit their kids.

I'm currently working with a therapist, but so far it seems like a lot of simple talk therapy. It's been helpful in as much as just having someone to talk to about it, but I feel like I'm doing ALL the work on my own. I'm not sure that she's going to be helpful in the long run in terms of helping me recover from the trauma's in my life. We'll see.

But, so, I'm here kind of trying to wrap my head around the fact that there's actually a name for nearly all the stuff I've been struggling with. And to look for resources so that I can continue on my healing journey.

A little bit about my history:
Abusive mom, suspected BPD. Constant criticism, controlling behavior, emotional neglect, physical violence, sudden angry outbursts - abandoned by father after HE couldn't take it anymore...left me there, along with my little brother who was the "golden child".

Classic anxious attachment issues for me, string of emotionally harmful intimate relationships starting when I was 15. One long term textbook emotionally abusive relationship, lots of other relationships where I ended up harming myself because of attachment style, co-dependency, and...apparently, all the other symptoms of C-PTSD that I never put together until now.

Have spent the last 5 years or so digging into my abusive past trying to understand myself better, digging into my brain to try to re-wire the faulty "mom-programming" and clean off all the distorted filters that I see the world through. I've become pretty aware of most of them, but still struggling greatly to change a lot of avoidance behaviors which are GREATLY affecting my productivity, and ability to move forward in life. In addition to the fact that my nervous system still seems to be set somewhere on "terrorist alert" which makes meeting my goals of going back to school to get my Masters to be a therapist - difficult to say the least.

Anyway. Glad to finally have found a community where I might find support, and find some people who are as interested in aggressively tackling these issues in order to be able to move forward as I am.