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ThreeRoses, Bluberry - yeah I kind of agree. After much thought, I mailed her to say I wouldnt be continuing. I felt better, though I do have a bit of a 'hangover' feeling of 'where now'. Guess constant second guessing and a need to feel Im always forging ahead are sort of endemic to me! But I think I made the right choice.

I had a thought that put the money in perspective to today. Realised that for 50 quid a week, I could use a recording studio for two hours weekly-as someone into recording and writing songs, thats a shocking thought to me. Its made me realise that for that amount of money, therapy really does need to feel right or be helping. I could get a lot of pleasure and fun from two hours a week in a recording studio!

Im glad you found someone youre comfortable with and is helpful. I guess its about finding a balance between difficult work and trust?

Well its been a heck of a time. I saw a psychoanalyst yesterday but felt very uncomfortable and frustrated. She seemed bored and uninterested, unsympathetic and cold. And at the end I have to hand over £50. One pound for every minute. All I could think was-'when I visit the Samaritans center to speak with one, I feel listened to, empathized with, and feel better-and its not fifty pounds'.

And the same goes for a kind of support group I go to.

Im actually kind of dreading seeing her again next week. Im certainly not ready to open up to her about the deepest things, because I dont yet feel comfortable with her. I feel if I was able to wait a few weeks and get some of the things over with that are coming up that are very stressful (like the police interview to report the stalking), that I might feel a bit differently.

But being a psychoanalyst, she doesnt allow any rescheduling, or weeks off even if notified in advance.

I dont know. I want to give it more of a go  for a few weeks maybe-but not now, at this time. But shes always busy and if I say I'll try seeing her again in a month, she may literally be unavailable for a year (her words). I feel extremely frustrated by this situation, her manner and terms, and dont like it one bit. But Im also afraid to 'miss out' on potential help. Im always overly afraid of the notion of 'missing out'....

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. And I very much appreciated the posts from my 'having a difficult day'post. i'll get to that later as Im just upset at the moment.

I didnt feel too bad for a time after things happened, but I think its hit me in a delayed way. Yesterday I couldnt do a thing. Could barely move from where I sat until very late at night.

Today I know I feel very angry and upset, which is affecting my views on the world. Its making me feel very pessimistic and frustrated. Im also finding myself with a lot of self doubts, second guessing myself over my choices in the past, and that beaten voice that keeps popping up and asking myself 'what if my parents are right? what if theyre right and Im the problem or im wrong...'

I hate that. Find it so hard.  I really hope all this begins to pass and I can heal more again.

very tired today. bit of a breakthrough yesterday. important progress. just very tired from the lat few weeks that it took to reach that time.

doing a little test of my own to see what happens. will see with time.

Hey thanks for that.

I was really worried because I had to face a blood test and dread those things. Not good at them.

Thankfully, after a bad mistake by them last week, this week it went fine,. No results just yet, but hopefully that will be ok. Just so glad its over for now though. I've been worrying so much about it.

Difficult time lately. Making some changes but its really rough. Horrible relentless nightmares each night. Very depressed when wake up.

Thanks folks. It helped seeing those posts.



Todays entry

Strange one. Just been feeling tearful missing aspects of my mum who am NC with. Lately thats been so painful to me. So upsetting. But I just dont think I can face her when theres still so many unknowns over sexual abuse at her hands when I was a kid.

I also know there was definitely inappropriate boundary breaking. I just dont know how far that goes, or why it was done. Maliciously or just out of extremely bad parenting, I have no idea.

I just wish I knew more. I wish I had time to know the truth, so I can process it, then make whatever choice I need to for myself about things. I do know there was a lot of emotional neglect and abuse, and by todays standards, physical violence too.

Some memories of all these things have returned, some are still vague.

And yet, I find myself yearning for (healthy) contact with her in a way. Or maybe I just fear moving on. Or just fear when she passes and I have to face there cant be a rapprochement. Part of me knows there cant already, but emotionally, that's killing me I guess.

As someone with anxiety concerns, I find that hard.

All that said, I had a good day. The problem neighbour I have has apparently now been officially warned by his landlord, thanks to my actions, and given a deadline to change.

The support group I went to, that I felt very nervous about, turned out pretty well. I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl there I keep feeling this magnetic pull to. Confuses me, but I just feel so drawn to her, and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. Gotta admit, it brightened my day.

I've never followed my instincts like that before, and its quite confusing and really knew to me.

Also had a small bit of good news regarding some other thing.

So I dont know. Maybe it is a good day whilst grieving old emotional issues. I welcome any thoughts of comments by the way.

Upset today, had so much stress in past 24 hours. Problem neighbor again playing up, deliberately making noise after 1am which woke me up, saw he'd destroyed polite sign had put up in hall requesting communal areas be used resepectfully. Presumably he took it personally against him, which it wasnt ironically, and decided to be chilidish and aggressive.

I didnt sleep until after 5am and was shaking with stress due to what happened, which I wont go into. Now, back from hairdressers, who utterly ruined my hair, despite me being clear what I wanted. He barely spoke English which maybe was to do with it, but he also seemed to have an attitude problem. I had to get other hairdresser in the same shop to explain to him what I had requested and even he seemed to get fed up with the guy's attitude. By then my hair was so short there wasnt much repair work that could be done, so now, along with my self esteem generally, I have a weird stupid looking haircut that makes me feel even more insecure about how I look.  Why do I keep coming across such people? Why cant I encounter reasonable/kind people more? I honestly just don't get it.

Plus the other day the dentist tried to throw me off their list because I had missed 2 appointments over 5 YEARS(!) Im not even sure they can legally do that here, but after spending hours searching, nobody seemed to have a clue or be able to give any simple answers...

I cant stand this place-its just getting worse and meaner and harder and crazier. What once was a quiet, reasonable neighbourhood is now a crazy, noisy, almost unsafe place, now they shut down the police station, and are building ANOTHER four blocks of high rise flats without putting any more money into resources to cope with all the new people who will move into them. I WISH I could afford to move out of this town and escape the insanity but I feel stuck here, and even the simple things just seem impossible at the moment with crazy obstacles at every turn.

Hey thanks guys.

Just wanted to post that not having a bad day today so far. Some complicated feelings stirred up definitely, but after a support group I asked someone if they fancied a coffee without worrying too much if they said no, something that for me, usually, would have been impossible. Similarly. I felt a bit less self concious/worried when having the coffee, and was more able to be myself and less trying to be what I thought they may want me to be.

Also during the group, I heard some very useful and encouraging things from others talking about their current experiences. I also talked more straightforwardly about how I felt,

Later, I had to discuss something difficult with an NHS practise that had been harsh and unfair to me, and -for a change- found the person I was talking to to be much more genuine and straight than in the past. I also managed to be calm and focused enough to stand up for myself and express some of what I wanted.

Obviously I feel there's  a way for me to go, but this is nice, and encouraging, and needed, after a difficult time!

Hey thanks everyone! Wattlebird, thats very kind of you, thank you. Make sure you take care of yourself. I've spread myself too thin in the past even though I had the best intentions.

Todays entry

Feel kind of mixed. Yesterday was very hard due, yet again, to some of the horrible people in this town. I had gone out to take more shots, and did so in a freer way more than ever, around strangers with less worry of embarrassment, just snapping away. Bit disappointed by the flat weather conditions for the shots, but hey.

But unfortunately on the way back, I again found myself stuck temporarily in a place with someone behaving incredibly horrifically, to the point I could not think, and though I tried to protect myself and be calm, it deeply disturbed and upset me, and also utterly grossed me out beyond belief. Just horrific. Utterly crazy behavior that just wouldnt be acceptable to anybody.

Got out as soon as I could, tried to get home quick by using those rental bikes they have in many towns now, except that of the first 6 I tried to use, all were bust and wouldnt unlock. When I finally got one sorted, I realised it was covered in some horrible sticky gunk all over the saddle and handle bars.

Anyway. Did the right things/best I could when I got back in terms of healthy self care, and after being really upset for a time, began to process the worst of it.

Feel some good things about myself today, though Im trying to take a break from the problems and upset.

I do feel some good aspects that are powerful today, which is certainly something good.

Thanks for the replies-they lifted me a bit to know I wasnt alone in my feelings. I do welcome any comments, thoughts or views at any time in this journal. I know Im relatively new, and am trying to use other parts of the forum to get better known. Unfortunately some of the places I posted in happen to not have been visited very much, so it might be my comments weren't seen.

Anyway, thanks again for the views and well wishes. Especially heartening to know others see the inequality of help when it comes to abusive mothers. I had started to feel bad just for thinking such thoughts as nobody else seemed to share them.

As for today, I have made an appointment to see the doctor to see if I can get a prescription for short term medication such as diazepam, as I need a break from the stress Im suffering lately. Thankfully I found one appointment, as there isnt another for a week after that. I wasnt going to do this, but the final straw came when, after a further night of insomnia, and loud noise from my neighbour at 3am,  he then also began heavy building work at 8am. Im now frazzled and fed up. Hence the doctor appointment. Just feel theres too many problems to face right now.

Feel angry today. So few people understand how abusive mothers can be the heart of problems, and our society instead puts them on a pedestal and assumes only bad fathers can cause problems.

Also feeling nobody is listening or interested

Grieving over past pain heavily today. Been building inside for a while. Heard the R.E.M song 'Sweetness Follows' and it tore me up.

Grieving over my early years' fear and hurt under my mother.  A hurt so deep that part of me almost wants to be back there, even though it meant the pain and so on, just to be in the same house. Contradictory stuff.

My family hurt me as a kid. And, as a kid, I was scared. They made me think it was my fault or others' faults, not theirs. So I not only got hurt by them, I thought they were actually the place to go to shelter when in a storm (that they themselves had caused).

So my pain now, caused by them, leaves me yearning to return back to them. How messed up is that? Guess thats why I gotta keep building on my own self care and self love; to learn that I can be my own carer, and unlearn those patterns.

But boy, those patterns run deep some days. And the pain runs deep today.

Thanks Hope. It was interesting to read how it affects you. I know that for me, another factor is that I struggle with sitting with the emotions themselves; something Im getting better at, but again, it can be confusing to know when to speak, when to rest, and when to try to be fully present with it. I guess its probably something we all share to various degrees.