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Feel old pain very strongly today. Wish could share it with someone. Make some sense of my contradicting yearnings. Realise though that right now may not be the best time to try that-and thats really difficult for me. When is it a good time to discuss such deep painful things? When you feel a huge need to? When you feel strong enough to cope with doing so? Finding a balance of those two?

For me, I usually only feel able to face doing it when things are too much. But maybe thats not whats best for me. I dont know. Feel conflicted.

Notalone - thanks, was appreciated.

I feel so helpless lately. Neighbours diy noise banging away on a sunday. Crime levels in my town rocketing up and a shop robbed with an imitation firearm the other day so Im feeling less and less safe to go for a walk when its later and the streets emptier.

Felt violated again the other day. More unwanted calls and messages left from FOO have gone no contact with.They're using ridiculous excuses to justify the harrassment. Yet however transparent it is it still seems to always get to me in some way, and again, I felt incapacitated the day after due to the stress it caused. I wondered how long after christmas it would be (the last time it happened) before it started again.

Getting close to posting in the 'having an exceptionally bad day' section. Wanted to call samaritans earlier (im not suicidal, but I am feeling desperate and lost), but the noise from the diy was too great. I HATE where my life is at at the moment. I get that its not due to my choice, but I dont want this, and I deserve better. Im trying as hard as I can yet it feels like for every step of progress I make personally, the world around me happens to get one step crazier, with the result that I feel like Im running to get nowhere.

Hope-Thanks for that, Had bit of a search but couldnt yet find it, Will keep looking.

I think youre right ThreeRoses....


Tuesday entry

Feel weird today. Last night had bunch of confusing feelings, I think due to the group I went to earlier. Lots of long drawn out dreams also. Sometimes my sleep feels like work in itself 

Tried to enter pic into competition but looks like will need to do adjustments to number of pixels first and minor stuff. Had hoped to try some open shutter shots down the beach but the weather is too rubbish despite what the forecast claimed. Hmmm.

Not sure what to do now with the day now.....

Utterly exhausted today. Went to a support group which was very hard due to how I was feeling. Also been struggling lately since some of the medication I have been having is simply not working at all. Saw doctor today who gave me a different brand of the same thing to see if that works. Will obviously know later when try them.

Having told therapist I'd tried that I couldnt see them on the only day they offered, due to other commitments, I emailed them to ask that they let me know if any other free days come up. Well, they utterly ignored this, and instead only referred to getting receipt of the last payment I made to them.

One of my concerns with her was that she was very cold and distant, and that in the long time I had waited to try her, she'd always been that way. She seemed to warm up briefly when money was at stake-now theres no more coming her way from me, it seems shes gone back to cold. Hmmm. Maybe I made a good choice.

Having a lot of fears lately about the path im on. Just a few days of feeling kind of lost, worried I'll never get better enough to have a reasonable life.

I did reach a bit of a milestone in sorting through my photos so that I may submit more for competition yesterday. Irony is, thanks to Google being so useless now in its search results, I cant find any competitions! Obviously there's loads out there so its driving me a bit crazy. Tried some other engines too but so many results are just fake and trying to sell things. I miss decent search engines!

Had a disturbing dream last night. Worried it reflects a deeper truth about today. Was stuck in some strange hotel, which was a bit of a gilded cage. But alone. Then started meeting other people, but somehow in the dream, I knew they werent real. I went to go to the roof and sunbathe a bit, and since I knew it was empty there, took my bluetooth speaker along to play some music. Great, I thought, this will be nice, great views and so on. The moment I went to leave the room, it started chucking it down with heavy rain and extreme weather. I felt stuck and frustrated.

When I woke, I worried this reflected how I feel now. That it was a sign things were very wrong. Gradually realised the hotel reminded me of the first time I left FOO home when younger and lived abroad for a time. Now, I wonder if the dream reflects my inner journey at that time, of beginning to emotionally leave home, and maybe Im having parallels now, now that its been a little over a year of no contact with FOO. Back then, the journey ended, with awful events that resulted in me being further badly affected (thanks to FOO when I returned back to Britain).

Maybe Im at a similar point to the journey I had back then BEFORE things got interrupted. Maybe im experiencing some similar difficulties and fears, and my mind is reflecting back to then. I dont think I've reflected on that time since it happened. On the other hand, I feel really lonely. I kind of did back then too.  I just still feel too scared still to make the jump other people make when it comes to socialising. Thats been my biggest handicap and biggest damage due to my FOO when younger.

Im scared of it, scared of looking stupid, scared of rejection, scared people will assume bad things of me. I would give anything for things to be different and for it to not be so hard. I guess its not as bad as it used to be, but the need has gotten so much bigger at the same time, and it hurts.

Hi hope. Thanks. I'd love to put some pictures up somewhere but theres the catch 22 of trying to remain anonymous unfortunately. My town has a pretty identifiable few landmarks which kind of ruin that. Is there somewhere we can put photos on here though? Maybe I've a few that are more general.  Nature is such a beautiful thing isnt it? My hope is to live in an area where theres more contact with it. I find it soothing.

Im struggling a bit today with making the choice over the therapist ironically. Like you mentioned, I struggle to make choices, and then second guess myself after... dont know if its a coincidence thing? (though Im not assuming others are like that-just referring to myself there.)

Tired today. Up earlier to try to get some shots of the waves breaking onto land due to high winds and tide. Bit of a letdown unfortunately, though learned more re techniques and preparing to get the pictures.

Decided not to go ahead with the therapist had tried few weeks back, simply because of lack of availability. Wasnt sure felt right with her, but couldnt really even try more to see as her only time free clashed with the only social support group I have.

Feel torn about it, but I think it feels like the best choice I had available to me at the time.

1.Im creative
2.I care about others and our world
3.I do my best
4.Im learning to value myself and care for myself
5.Im learning to reach out (gradually!)

Another gig tonight, by myself. Another day of utter anxiety and fear.

I do want to go see this band, as I always do... But can we do it without the other people...?   

Tbh its also difficult because its in my hometown and theres a small chance might see people havent seen since school. And im embarrassed about going on my own.

Its also difficult as I've had a lot of emotional realisations about my dad lately, so I feel incredibly raw. Feel like people can see right through any exterior I put up of normality like a scrap of paper.

Im trying hard to remind myself of my tools and self care, but obviously its difficult on a difficult day.

I welcome all safe hugs/fingers crossed/thoughts of good luck today.

Thanks Notalone. Much appreciated today as having a tough moment. Hopefully will pass soon. Nice to know others reading the entries.

to everyone.

Thanks for the comments. Great to hear views on things.

Very mixed emotions yesterday. Felt like a child with joy at one time, and at another, like the child who was so badly mistreated they had no self belief.

Im hoping this is part of getting in touch with my feelings again, but worry its a sign of things getting worse. I like to think its the former rather than the latter, but wish there was someone who could give me their opinion on it. As already mentioned, no therapists of any kind have yet done so.

Im in an unexpected situation. Im beginning to think therapy isnt really for me. Not saying 'never', but part of my problem is I relentlessly analyse and question myself and my thoughts and my reasons. Over the last year, I've JUST begun to do it less, and have though I've also been through a lot of pain, I also feel I've found a little peace, a little more self belief, a little more hope, and a quieter mind.

That has coincided with not having therapy for most of last year. Prior to that I had four plus years of it. Im feeling like all there is in therapy is insight-but never more insight than I already have on myself.  I've never found a therapist with much warmth of encouragement or guidance. If I thought THAT existed out there, I'd be interested.

And thats after trying an analyst, a counsellor, a psychotherapist, a counselling psychologist, and humanistic and classic approaches.

Maybe its where I live-theres a heavy bias in style and so on. But since an early age I had nothing BUT self analysis and doubt and if anything I need guidance, encouragement, warmth, ideas and so on. Not coldness, unreadable vagueness.

Im surprised to be writing this, and of course, have many self doubts and fears that this is 'wrong'. But all I know is that, after trying another person last week, I feel worse than I have for a while. 

Im due to see her again monday, which Im absolutely dreading. I cant put my finger on it, shes just very professorial, old fashioned, seems kind of authoritarian, and due to being 'old school', does the thing of insisting that I still have to pay her for sessions even if its due to a holiday booked months in advance.

Its also a bit money related. I realised I can afford a car if I dont continue with her-and I've always wanted to move to a more rural area, which I literally cant do unless I drive-so I feel some of my future hopes are tied up in this too. Hopes that I never used to have while in therapy, ironically!

Im in two minds over this, but feel experience is edging me towards this realisation