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Some good ideas there, I think I'll give them a try.

Hard today. So on edge and shaky due to social thing in a while. And also because I have a delayed reaction to things so I know I'll probably struggle for the next couple of days when things hit me.

Only good thing is at least after I can get back to focusing on things that work for me and help me/my plans for the future. Thats partly what I find so difficult about these things. The fear shakes me so that everything else gets forgotten and its hard work to hold onto what I've learned works for me. Fingers crossed folks. Probably have to set off in about an hour..

So I have a (for me) huge social thing tomorrow, and some of the dynamics of it really trigger my deep pain over my FOO. I wish it wasnt so, but theres quite a bit of history regarding this social event, and although Ive tried not to, Ive again found myself getting my hopes up, knowing I'll walk away feeling hurt, ignored, and overlooked.

And I had a dream about this and about my pain over my sister and my past. I was sobbing heavily when I woke up. Deep pain. And now wary that the wound will get disturbed again tomorrow by the social event and the aforementioned echoes and similarities.

As a result I intend to leave before everyone else, though thats a double edged sword. I fear later hearing how everyone carried on the event at someones house (though theres no plans too far as I know). But if I dont leave early then I'll get mostly ignored when I do go. At least this way I can choose to just say bye and go. I dont know. Worried im running away. But what can I do?

Really hurting and know its best to take care of myself in a difficult situation that risks hurting me even more. Wish things were different though. I wish I had some real friends I felt I could safely be myself with who were straight with me.

So... had an urge to write a list of the bad things done to me by my mother-not in detail, but generally-yesterday. I had heard it can be useful as sometimes when I feel bad and blame myself I literally forget everything bad done to me. Sounds weird I know, but it happens.

It kind of felt like the right time to do it. But after I had done it, only then did it occur to me there'd probably be a lot of emotional upheaval as a result of all this coming up.

And boy am I struggling with it now... Though, to keep things in perspective, I have felt worse. Im just very, very angry at times, and also yearning for some nearby countryside to walk in and have some solitude. Always wanted to be able to have a ten minute walk and find myself in countryside where I could walk alone as I live in a busy city. I really wish I could amble along and just let it out and cry if I felt the urge and not have to worry about other people seeing me. And unfortunately I dont drive. Though I hope to change that maybe next year...

Anyway, I woke early and struggled for more sleep, then when I got it, woke extremely late (hate when I get those extremes). like 2.30 in the afternoon. Did consider trying to spend the whole day in bed, but its the sort of thing my parents always slammed me for even considering, so even though Im now middle aged, I still have never been able to quite let myself do it. Had lots of nightmares about that female parent last night. Horrible ones.

Writing that list has awakened a lot of very painful ghosts.

milk-thats a nice thought about needing darkness to grow. I'll make use of that. And Three Roses, sorry to hear you felt so rough. I had also wondered if my physical symptoms were due to EF and the like. Still not sure. I dont normally get phsyical effects that badly though...and theres a lot of flu about. Guess we'll see...

Rough day again today. Feel almost like coming down with something. Maybe thats partly what it is....? So exhausted after a thirty minute walk today.

Not usually that exhausted... and had a bad stomach pain last night-even though I had made an effort to eat 'healthy'!

Irony. As a wise man once said, it can be pretty ironic... 

As I type I feel a little better.

Made a soothing nice drink with lemon, honey and so on. Going to try not to worry about things right now and put it down to part of the process.

Glad to have this online journal and the folks at this site.

Oh I hadnt thought of that. Good point. Yes, I welcome all comments here.

Thanks for the heads up, and the hug. Appreciated.

Rough night last night. Felt bad. Some self soothing helped a little but not much.

The moment I got up today I was faced with things I didnt want to see. I have to be vague here to avoid specifics. But a leaflet through my door from a new political group whom I think is absolutely obscene.

And some people I kind of think of as mates, on social media, all seemed to be having a great time without me, and seemed to have maybe been meeting without letting me know. Maybe Im mistaken there but I dont know.

Then had a rough time physically, for personal reasons I again wont go into. I found this upsetting because its to do with something that, for most people, is a simple physical function and routine-yet for me it is very stressful and difficult psychologically. I wish I could talk about it but some things are too personal.

So its nearly dark outside already and I just feel so outside of normal social activity, which is hard for me. I really hope things get a bit easier next year. I have hopes and plans but im starting to worry they wont work or that im just kidding myself with them.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Righty-first entry (2nd?)

Went to a kind of support group yesterday for the first time in almost a year. Was pretty intense as only four other people showed due to bad weather. Made it hard for me as I prefer to stay in the background until Im comfortable, but couldnt with only four other people. Also weird when someone turned all the lights off! It was one of the many kinds of 12 step groups, and I know they all have their own foibles, but that was a very weird one....

Im glad I went as I really suffer horrifically from social anxieties, and I had a healthier approach going into things yesterday than before. I wasnt trying to 'be' popular or 'likeable', or do things because I'd been told I should. I just tried to do what felt comfortable for me at the time.

I feel pretty weird today though as I always over question myself after such events. Too much self criticism and not enough self congratulation on achievements.

Also, finding out a few weird things about some acquaintances I have who Im seeing next week. Pretty anxious about the meet up, but these realisations mean Im seeing them as more human and Im doing a bit less of comparing my 'lack of success in business and life and so on blah blah blah' to theirs. On the other hand, Im not sure how much they are joking about their issues and how serious they are being. Always hard to know when its on social media and not face to face....

Taking bit of a leap here. But I think its time. Im struggling at the moment, but I feel a journal may benefit in some ways.

Thanks everyone. Nice to be here. Had bit of a browse and it all looks promising. Very tired today but I hope to make use of some other areas soon.

Hello. I have some trouble making sense of things sometimes so please excuse this post if it seems a bit odd or if Im repeating myself. So what brings me here?  Well, I had a bad upbringing from my family, and loads of emotional neglect, as well as an early life threatening incident due to said neglect. I have a lot of social anxiety and other lesser anxieties, that get in the way of things I'd like to do. At the moment I am dealing with depression-I think im processing a lot of past things for the first time and its a hard road.

Tried a bunch of therapists, some helped a little, most didnt. Have found most help through various books, and notably that Pete Walker one mentioned on this site. I dont have a support network, but am hoping to build one gradually, as I am also trying to deal with a lot of everyday practical tasks that have become quite big and so involve quite a bit of energy from me.

I like music, films, I care about people a lot (too much?), and have other interests too.  I think im gradually broadening out my inner coping mechanisms, being more kind to myself and so on, and also broadening out my future hopes and things to what works for me and what I really feel, whereas in the past I was always doing it for what I thought others expected of me.

Just the other day I pushed myself (far) too hard doing something and today I am struggling with the outcome of it. Hence a perhaps repeated post due to fatigue.