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i'm glad this week is over.  at the same time it's too bad you had to endure hearing that pet name again.  i hate when that crapola happens.  it may have set you back a bit, but i feel confident that you'll find the strength to move past it again.  plus, i don't doubt that this time you'll be able to move just that little bit farther ahead of it.  hope so.

maybe a bit of time spent at the healing porch would be helpful this weekend.  i just hope you get some of the rest you need and deserve.  sending love and a hug filled with calm for you.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, San. It's much appreciated!

I've been a bit absent here but I'm just checking in to say I'm still alive. Things have been quite stressful with my finances and work has been physically taxing. All is okay though.

I don't know what to say, so I will just offer you my support. 

Your comment is more than enough, thank you Three Roses!

I randomly realised something this morning and it feels so great I had to share.

For the majority of my childhood/teenagehood I didn't have any breakfast to eat - either because of lack of food or because of my food disorder. I believe that this is the cause for what became a 'morning sickness'... as every time I tried to eat anything during the morning, even a small block of chocolate, I'd feel like throwing up. This has NOT helped me with my attempts to gain weight and it got to a point where even just opening the fridge made me sick. There's probably some other reasons as to why I felt sick in the mornings, but I believe my childhood habits is a big factor.

Either way... I realised that - I can't remember the last time I felt sick in the morning! 
This is  HUGE to me because it's something that affected me for years. And now I can wake up and go to a cafe, have a drink and a muffin - and I'll be okay! I checked my weight and it's 48kg's which means I'm just 2kg's away from my goal of not being classed as underweight.

This is progress!

This is really great to hear, Milk!

Honestly I'm so impressed and proud if I can be, that you responded to that email with your honest thoughts. And that positive mail back is that wonderful icing on top of the cake.
So happy for you.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Entry #1 - 30/11/2018]

Entry #1 - 30/11/2018

Mood: Tense.
Current F Mode: Succumbing to my flight urges with constant distractions.
Positive Reminder: It's been a hard week but it's the weekend now.

I'm so tired, so numb. Have been playing games to just... DO something but it's not even that enjoyable right now.
During my conversation with my ex earlier, he spoke to me using my old pet name. It was definitely not okay and it made me feel so angry and brought back a flood of flashbacks and raw emotions. What makes me more upset is that later in the day, I saw that word and instantly recognised it being my old pet name.  It took me years to remove that association with said word, and now I remember it and I'm so mad!! After all that work, just having a small conversation has ruined a portion of my recovery. Well you know how it goes... two steps forward, one step back I guess.

On the brighter side of things however, I'm going to make an effort to use my Flight response for household cleaning and chores tomorrow. Then once the house is clean I can maybe actually relax. But I've also got my first session of Yoga on Sunday that will be interesting to try. I'm nervous and already feeling a little self-conscious... but we'll see.

I feel battered and bruised from work, but at least I can rest assured knowing I've completed one of my more energy-consuming weeks in a while.
Right now I'm just going to go to bed and rest my eyes, feet, and back.

Regards,
Ellis - the exhausted.

Ok I saw my t today, I didn't tell her about my worries about the next 4 weeks but I think she realised I was feeling quite abandoned, with my seperation from h and her going away, she told me to ring her if necessary even though I know she is actually holidaying in this time, this was so nice of her, I have never rang her before so I think she knows I will only do it if really desperate. This was lovely reassurance, I also gave her a list of my fears around emotional displays in therapy which was very scary but I think encouraging, as I have never shown her anything like that before she commented on how far I've come since the beginning of the year, so we discussed some of those fears, she really is very good I walked away feeling much more confident and reassured. When yesterday I felt hopeless and lost.

This sounds awesome, Wattlebird. I'm happy you've found such a supportive T. And I love those kind of therapy sessions that leave you with such a warm feeling.

Regards,
Ellis.

After having sent this to my ex, they replied acknowledging what I'd said and understood that they'll never get forgiveness from me.

I don't even know how to describe what this all feels like. If anything it feels weirdly ambivalent at the moment. We went no contact for so long that I disconnected any and all feelings for them, only the memories remaining. So now they seem like a stranger to me. I guess that's the best thing I could ask for, the safest option.

At least now I feel validated and if I didn't have closure before I definitely have it now.

I'm sorry to hear about this flashback of yours, Elphanigh. But I commend you for your grounding skills and ability to self care! It's really what you need and deserve the most right now.
It breaks my heart to know this abuse has happened to you at such a young age, my heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Ellis.

Do it!! Go for it!! 
That's what i felt - giddiness when I did it. It was a relief.

m

That's really exciting! Thanks for the reply.

I have known people who changed their names, and it was helpful to them. I like the idea! Go for it.

Really comforting to hear. Thank you!

I did a name change last year to rid myself of a middle name that is a trigger for me -named after someone from my FOO  . Best thing I've ever done:)

I'm glad it's helped you! Thanks for the input.

One of my best friends changed theirs, and as the others have said, it was a huge step in the right direction for them

Very reassuring, Contessa. Thank you!

I flipped my birth name, although there's a part I didn't follow through on that I regret. On the whole changing my name was significant in  my steps away from FOO and the whole environment around them (church/school).

My new name derived from an improv acting gig I fell into, then developed into a stage show (not bad for someone mortified by any social contacts; although it didn't erase my social isolation). It became very much an educational role play one-person show, but long story short I became better known by the acting name and most everyone knew/knows me by that name.

My regret was not doing an official 100% changeover, so certain documents (now too hard to totally change; banking, government, etc.) are still rendered using the original name, which I thought funny for a long time but now regret not entirely washing out the birth name.

Either way, the name change alone didn't erase the sad results of spending my youth in a living *. Yet even the almost total changeover still feels like an important step in releasing a lingering reminder of the hurtful past.   

Thanks for the in depth response, it's insightful. I'll make sure I get my documents edited, I've already compiled a list of things that do need to be changed.

I've been thinking of doing this, I'm amazed so many have done it or considered it too.

I'm also thinking of moving to another country as part of the process.

Complete renewal. Or reinvention. Or something.

I've also thought life in a van appeals, just keep moving, not sure why that appeals so much, its not freedom exactly, its total off the grid anonymity or something.

That sounds really nice, Rainagain. A fresh start always feels wonderful.
All this makes me think what the percentage of CPTSD victims have changed their name...


Thanks again for all these replies. It's really helpful and has motivated me to continue my research into it all.
And one of the most convenient things about all this is that it's going to be super easy to get the interview for it done because... I work in the same building as the department that does the interviews.  Talk about luck!

Sounds like you're having some genuine carefree fun there with that crush stuff, San! It must feel liberating to be doing something a little different like that.
Glad to see you're looking forward to things.

Regards,
Ellis.

Dear S,

You apologised to me the other day...
But let me tell you this.

Remember when a while back you told me you did a test on sociopathic tendencies? You scored extremely high. At first I didn't think much of it, "it's just an internet fad". But as time went on, I started realising... maybe the test had a point. A lot of things happened between you and me, things you didn't believe were wrong. Sometimes you'd do or say something in public that was highly inappropriately and I'd feel so angry and confused thinking "Why would you do that??". But it didn't seem to affect you, you thought it was funny. But I was embarrassed and ashamed to be with you.

I don't think you can even understand how you made me feel or what you did. You apologised to me for those extreme cases, but do you truly realise what you've done? It's not just about the marriage being shoved down my throat, and it's not just about the time you tried to barge into the bathroom when I'd locked it trying to get away from you.

Remember when I was at my lowest and you severely harmed yourself in front of me to make me do what you wanted? That's sick, and it traumatised me. That's abuse.
Remember when I was obviously trying to get away from you to feel safe, and instead you literally grabbed me to stop me from going? That's abuse.
Remember when I parted from you to make myself happier and safer? Your friends, your best friend, all cussed me out and told me I was a horrible person. That's abuse.
Remember when I said I wasn't ready for sex? And you pushed me and urged me and said it was unfair for me to refuse? That's abuse.

And those are just the things I can remember right now. Who knows what I've suppressed...

You proposed to me when I was 16. Your family and my family all wanted me to get married off to you, you who had treated me so disgustingly. Does this now make any sense to you? Why it hurt so much... why I'm traumatised. I spent my entire teenage-hood with you, behind masks and a fawning facade. I completely lost my sense of personality. I didn't know who I even was because I was so dedicated to pleasing you, so you wouldn't be upset with me.

You say you miss me but you're actually missing a doormat. The person you 'loved' and wanted to marry was the ghost of my family trauma. That ghost doesn't exist anymore.

I have CPTSD, and whilst that affects my mind in so many awful ways, I at least have recovered enough to know now... I've been too self-doubtful and scared to say it in the past, but I'm finally going to say it - it was all abuse.

I've lost something I'll never get back; time, innocence, my childhood.
And that is why S, I can't forgive you.
I don't hate you. I don't want revenge.
I'm just tired, and I want to be free.

Regards,
Ellis.

I've always found some feeling of peace and comfort in nature. It's quiet and away from everyone, and with no sense of obligation around me - it really quietens my roaring flight response that wants to try and do everything. Can't do work if I don't seem to have any!
So I just want to share the occasional nature themed photograph/artwork and I hope you guys might find it as relaxing as I do.



Art by: Nightrizer


Art by: Winterkeep


Art by: Syarul

Any leap or step is progress and beneficial, even if it might not turn out the way you want it to - you can at least say you've done something!
Feel free to express whatever is on your mind.

Regards,
Ellis.

I think for me my overspending is definitely linked to my childhood.  My parents were always just scraping by and so whenever we'd get something, my father stressed that we always have to get the absolute cheapest thing possible.  I felt I couldn't ask for stuff ever because I knew the answer would be no and my father would make me bad for even asking. 

I think in some ways I am stuck emotionally as that child, but now I have money.  Everything was always dictated to me and I never learned how to control my money.  So I am mentally a child who now has a lot of money and never has been taught how to be disciplined with it, or to learn that I can have the things I want if I plan for them in the right ways.   

Hey Lily,

You took the words right out of my mouth with these paragraphs. Though my parents had a habit of splurging on things for their own use like buying a huge TV even though I barely had any food to eat. So now that I'm on my own I'm doing my own sort of splurging. And whilst it feels good at the time, it's just leading to financial problems and it becomes quite stressful!

But I'm really glad to hear that you've got some wonderful advice from that agency. I really commend you for your strength and motivation to reach out! I hope this will help you and your finances for the future to come.

Regards,
Ellis.

The main thing that stops me is my fear of judgement and shaming. But I know my therapist is a very kind lazy, realistic, but gentle.

Pretty sure you meant to type "lady" lol, but glad to hear you are open to her gentleness, that can teach us a lot about how to be kind to ourselves (and in turn may reduce your urge to self-harm).    

Cheering you on    Would be interested to hear how it goes 

Oops, a very misfortunate typo! Thanks for pointing it out.
But thank you for your support, Kizzie!

Regards,
Ellis.