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I randomly realised something this morning and it feels so great I had to share.

For the majority of my childhood/teenagehood I didn't have any breakfast to eat - either because of lack of food or because of my food disorder. I believe that this is the cause for what became a 'morning sickness'... as every time I tried to eat anything during the morning, even a small block of chocolate, I'd feel like throwing up. This has NOT helped me with my attempts to gain weight and it got to a point where even just opening the fridge made me sick. There's probably some other reasons as to why I felt sick in the mornings, but I believe my childhood habits is a big factor.

Either way... I realised that - I can't remember the last time I felt sick in the morning! 
This is  HUGE to me because it's something that affected me for years. And now I can wake up and go to a cafe, have a drink and a muffin - and I'll be okay! I checked my weight and it's 48kg's which means I'm just 2kg's away from my goal of not being classed as underweight.

This is progress!

Dear S,

You apologised to me the other day...
But let me tell you this.

Remember when a while back you told me you did a test on sociopathic tendencies? You scored extremely high. At first I didn't think much of it, "it's just an internet fad". But as time went on, I started realising... maybe the test had a point. A lot of things happened between you and me, things you didn't believe were wrong. Sometimes you'd do or say something in public that was highly inappropriately and I'd feel so angry and confused thinking "Why would you do that??". But it didn't seem to affect you, you thought it was funny. But I was embarrassed and ashamed to be with you.

I don't think you can even understand how you made me feel or what you did. You apologised to me for those extreme cases, but do you truly realise what you've done? It's not just about the marriage being shoved down my throat, and it's not just about the time you tried to barge into the bathroom when I'd locked it trying to get away from you.

Remember when I was at my lowest and you severely harmed yourself in front of me to make me do what you wanted? That's sick, and it traumatised me. That's abuse.
Remember when I was obviously trying to get away from you to feel safe, and instead you literally grabbed me to stop me from going? That's abuse.
Remember when I parted from you to make myself happier and safer? Your friends, your best friend, all cussed me out and told me I was a horrible person. That's abuse.
Remember when I said I wasn't ready for sex? And you pushed me and urged me and said it was unfair for me to refuse? That's abuse.

And those are just the things I can remember right now. Who knows what I've suppressed...

You proposed to me when I was 16. Your family and my family all wanted me to get married off to you, you who had treated me so disgustingly. Does this now make any sense to you? Why it hurt so much... why I'm traumatised. I spent my entire teenage-hood with you, behind masks and a fawning facade. I completely lost my sense of personality. I didn't know who I even was because I was so dedicated to pleasing you, so you wouldn't be upset with me.

You say you miss me but you're actually missing a doormat. The person you 'loved' and wanted to marry was the ghost of my family trauma. That ghost doesn't exist anymore.

I have CPTSD, and whilst that affects my mind in so many awful ways, I at least have recovered enough to know now... I've been too self-doubtful and scared to say it in the past, but I'm finally going to say it - it was all abuse.

I've lost something I'll never get back; time, innocence, my childhood.
And that is why S, I can't forgive you.
I don't hate you. I don't want revenge.
I'm just tired, and I want to be free.

Regards,
Ellis.

I've always found some feeling of peace and comfort in nature. It's quiet and away from everyone, and with no sense of obligation around me - it really quietens my roaring flight response that wants to try and do everything. Can't do work if I don't seem to have any!
So I just want to share the occasional nature themed photograph/artwork and I hope you guys might find it as relaxing as I do.



Art by: Nightrizer


Art by: Winterkeep


Art by: Syarul

I was talking to my partner last night, trying to express what it feels like to have these flashbacks and intrusive memories. I said to them...

My flashbacks are a complicated network of tubing. Boxes on a floor all connected to one another with very small hollow tubing. Some are connected, some are not. But in that complicated network of boxes and tubes is an untamed ferret.

Every now and then, a trigger will happen by. Just like the tubing, the trigger can be miniscule and seemingly meaningless compared to the average perspective. But we have ferrets. Despite the tiny tubes, the ferret still manages to weave through these small tubes and reach a box. And when it does, it causes us pain and flashbacks until the ferret eventually loses interest.

But I feel like I can manage these flashbacks, if I just have the strength to Wrangle a Ferret. A trigger will happen, and the ferret will weave and turn through the tubing. But when it reaches its box, I'll open it up and shove my hands inside to catch it. But ferrets are writhing small creatures that bite and squirm. I can't wrangle it always, and I can't calm it down always. But sometimes I do, if I can just hold onto it and instead of angrily throwing it somewhere, I'll tell it sternly... "Calm down, you're safe".

I'll talk to it, ease it. Unfortunately whilst it works in the mean time, the ferret is untamed and wild and doesn't like this strange comfort. Eventually I let it back into its network of tubing... And the cycle repeats. But the more I calm it down, the more I address it and confirm my safety, the less likely it is for that ferret to go to a box. And I hope that eventually, with each trigger and flashback that happens, I can coax myself into a feeling of safety. And the ferret will one day find that no matter where it goes, it will be wrangled and it will have no power over me. And on that one day, it will run away.

The boxes are memories, the tubing is the links between them. My wrangling is my flashback management, my attempt to turn these flashbacks into simply memories that won't influence my emotions as they do now.

This is my 5am rambling because I can't sleep. Lol

Does anyone else feel just generally quite numb/apathetic about certain things? I don't know if it's a CPTSD thing or a medication thing.

But for a while I've felt very little sympathy and emotion for things. Celebrities and famous individuals dying and everyone around me pays their respect but it's like I can't even comprehend the feeling of grief. To me it's just like reading the words 'they died' without feeling anything to it.

Then I have friends who hook up, break up, the usual romantic drama. Some friends who complain about average school. But I can't feel anything for it. I say "Sorry to hear that" to be polite but there's no genuine feelings.

The only things that really make me feel something is things that are well... traumatic. But everything else, just average life, feels numb.

Though I'm not actually too phased by it. To me it seems like a defense mechanism keeping me from breaking down and getting too emotional. It feels almost like a superpower even, the ability to face hardships with ease.

I'm just curious if anyone feels the same way.
And I hope this doesn't put me in a bad light. I'm not completely numb, and I do feel things and I care for people - otherwise I don't think I'd be here trying to help myself and others. And I care for all of you people here, and wish you all well and hope you're having a good day.

A pretty generic thread, just asking if anyone has changed their birth name and what it was like for them.
Do you have any tips? Things to look out for? What might be a good time to do it? Do you have any regrets?

I've been thinking of changing my name for a while now and I believe it's my 'next big step' to complete recovery.
My birth name has certain meanings and connotations to it, that were then used against me by my FOO to insult me and berate me.
Every time I think of my new planned name, I feel giddy inside. But I want to make sure I do this right.

Any comment is appreciated. Thank you.

[Entry #1 - 26/11/2018]

Entry #1 - 26/11/2018

Mood: Relaxed.
Current F Mode: Battling my Flight urges.
Positive Reminder: Ellis, you just worked overtime. Your feet hurt from walking so much. Chill. You can clean tomorrow.

Yesterday I was posting on a different forum about memory. I noted that everyone had memories way back, some from the age of 4, some from the age of 2. And I sat there wondering what was wrong with me, because I can't remember being a kid. And the things I do remember... I wish I'd forget.

I think of fantasy worlds to fill in the gaps, to feel at peace. When I think of my inner child, I think of surreal forests and peace - a world away. Just him and I, together and alone. Let's go somewhere where words don't exist, where I only need to express myself with a smile and a waltz. We're safe and free, and I'll keep you safe forever as long as you're here. We're split, but together - two minds, but one. I know what you need, I know what you deserve. And it's so much more than you think.

Your protector,
Ellis - the tranquil.

[Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse]

This isn't really new but after talking briefly about it to my therapist today it's brought up some raw emotions.

Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse
It's been almost a year now since I've moved out of my family's home, such a huge tremendous step. The only way I could do it was to share a house with someone though, with a flatmate. And things were going well and we got along okay for the most part. But it was only recently when my flatmate made a very unwanted sexual advancement on me. I hadn't felt such anger, shame, fear all at once in a long long time. And my stupid body was too frozen and stuck to move for a while - until I finally mustered the strength to run off before it got too far. I locked myself in my room and was scared to leave my room for a few days.

I'm just so frustrated that even when I think I'm safe, I'm not. That something, someone, somewhere - is out to trigger me into fear and anger. I'm so mad that it took me years and years to become totally independent and move from my abusers... yet I still get hurt.

Things between me and my flatmate are okay now, I messaged them quite sternly to NEVER make a sexual advancement on me ever again and they haven't touched me since. I'm so so mad about this
Here's hoping to a time where I'll be able to live on my own, away from everyone, safe.

[Some minor backstory - involves neglect:]

This is going to be hard to type... But here goes.

Some minor backstory - involves neglect:
(Feel free to skip to below if you don't want to read)

It's... This word. This thing that I fear and despise so much. Lice. Let's call it something else for the sake of my sanity because seeing it, hearing it, saying it makes me uncomfortable. It's now called Nuisance.

I had Nuisance in the younger years and my mother at first would be there to treat my hair. But as I grew, it changed. I had Nuisance again and I went to my mother for help. She snarled at me in response, wondering how I got it again. Eventually she would treat my hair. But it wasn't treated enough and a week later I found I still had Nuisance. I confronted my mother and she became very angry. At that point I left her alone as to not cause her a headache. I waited a month. I asked for help again. She had somehow assumed that I had rid of Nuisance, so when I told her she snapped "You got it again!? Why do you keep doing this? It's so frustrating."

Seeing her disgust of me I dropped the subject. I waited more months, and more... Months turned into years. Every now and then I'd ask for help, but she groaned and ignored me every time. I tried to treat my own hair but it was the length of my tailbone at that point. I couldn't treat all that hair on my own, and I couldn't see a hairdresser with Nuisance.

Eventually I managed to get rid of Nuisance! A miracle. I was so so happy. And then I visited a friend... And got it again. When I saw it I dissociated into a numbing psychotic state. I couldn't believe it. After trying to rid of it for years I had it again. I didn't dare tell anyone, and some days I think I refused to believe it myself.


Thankfully I don't have Nuisance right now and I keep my hair short as it should be.


So what's the actual problem?
My habits. I claw at my head and hair without me even thinking, without even having an itch. I just automatically mutilate myself and I can't stop.


What do I need?
Advice. How do I stop? What can I do to drop this habit?
It's such a terrifying subject to me that I don't want to see my doctor or therapist about it. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being.
I have been shunned for this my whole life and I'm scared to talk about it.

Hey there, new to the forum but not new to CPTSD.

I'm here because I'm lonely and I'm tired of feeling like an alien among other people. I want to find people who actually care.

My road to recovery is actually going quite well thanks to therapy, medication, and estrangement. I'm just trying to tie up some loose ends now and find comfort in myself as a human being with a traumatic past.
I think it's just been especially hard as of late with everyone talking about Thanksgiving and when I think of being back with my family it makes my skin crawl.

Anyway I won't rant too much. Hope to stick around.