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I was talking to my partner last night, trying to express what it feels like to have these flashbacks and intrusive memories. I said to them...

My flashbacks are a complicated network of tubing. Boxes on a floor all connected to one another with very small hollow tubing. Some are connected, some are not. But in that complicated network of boxes and tubes is an untamed ferret.

Every now and then, a trigger will happen by. Just like the tubing, the trigger can be miniscule and seemingly meaningless compared to the average perspective. But we have ferrets. Despite the tiny tubes, the ferret still manages to weave through these small tubes and reach a box. And when it does, it causes us pain and flashbacks until the ferret eventually loses interest.

But I feel like I can manage these flashbacks, if I just have the strength to Wrangle a Ferret. A trigger will happen, and the ferret will weave and turn through the tubing. But when it reaches its box, I'll open it up and shove my hands inside to catch it. But ferrets are writhing small creatures that bite and squirm. I can't wrangle it always, and I can't calm it down always. But sometimes I do, if I can just hold onto it and instead of angrily throwing it somewhere, I'll tell it sternly... "Calm down, you're safe".

I'll talk to it, ease it. Unfortunately whilst it works in the mean time, the ferret is untamed and wild and doesn't like this strange comfort. Eventually I let it back into its network of tubing... And the cycle repeats. But the more I calm it down, the more I address it and confirm my safety, the less likely it is for that ferret to go to a box. And I hope that eventually, with each trigger and flashback that happens, I can coax myself into a feeling of safety. And the ferret will one day find that no matter where it goes, it will be wrangled and it will have no power over me. And on that one day, it will run away.

The boxes are memories, the tubing is the links between them. My wrangling is my flashback management, my attempt to turn these flashbacks into simply memories that won't influence my emotions as they do now.

This is my 5am rambling because I can't sleep. Lol

My memory is appalling and it does bother me. I've missed 90% of my life. It is all a huge blank. People will recount memories to me and I have zero concept of them.

Bummer 

It is what it is, could be worse.

I relate to this a lot and it saddens me a bit.

Does anyone else feel just generally quite numb/apathetic about certain things? I don't know if it's a CPTSD thing or a medication thing.

But for a while I've felt very little sympathy and emotion for things. Celebrities and famous individuals dying and everyone around me pays their respect but it's like I can't even comprehend the feeling of grief. To me it's just like reading the words 'they died' without feeling anything to it.

Then I have friends who hook up, break up, the usual romantic drama. Some friends who complain about average school. But I can't feel anything for it. I say "Sorry to hear that" to be polite but there's no genuine feelings.

The only things that really make me feel something is things that are well... traumatic. But everything else, just average life, feels numb.

Though I'm not actually too phased by it. To me it seems like a defense mechanism keeping me from breaking down and getting too emotional. It feels almost like a superpower even, the ability to face hardships with ease.

I'm just curious if anyone feels the same way.
And I hope this doesn't put me in a bad light. I'm not completely numb, and I do feel things and I care for people - otherwise I don't think I'd be here trying to help myself and others. And I care for all of you people here, and wish you all well and hope you're having a good day.

As I was typing this I noticed my hand reaching for my head like usual and I stopped myself this time.

You're being mindful. My type of selfharm is similar or certainly involves my hand reaching for my head. Part of stopping means being aware of when I'm about to do it. You noticed in this case

fullofsoundandfury has given you very good ideas, at least in my experience. Stopping the circuit is a good plan. Gloves didn't work for me, I needed to use socks on my hands. But you can experiment and see what works for you. Obviously you can't wear socks all day but for a number of years I wore them at night and my automatic reflex when I put them on was to stroke my hair rather than pull it out.

This article http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm on SH may help you. Some of it is directed more at cutters than other types of self-harmers, but still might be useful.

ime a therapist who doesn't react with some compassion or at least neutrality to the topic is maybe not a good fit. Also Ts who have insisted that this type of behaviour is the same as cutting - well, they weren't helpful to me. I see in your response to fullofsoundandfury you're already using compassion to talk to your inner child

Thank you for your reply, Blueberry!

And thank you for your encouragement. Unfortunately today I could not stop my habits this time but I'll try to remember your encouragement and just... try to stop.

The socks sound like an interesting idea, not sure how much I'll be able to do with having 4 less digits on each hand but I'll work it out.

And that article you've linked is very extensive and informative, thank you! I'll have to bookmark and study it.

Thank you again for your reply.

Hi and welcome to OOTS Ellis. 

Advice. How do I stop? What can I do to drop this habit? It's such a terrifying subject to me that I don't want to see my doctor or therapist about it. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being. I have been shunned for this my whole life and I'm scared to talk about it.

As you mentioned in another post you feel like you are spiraling and while we can certainly provide support and encouragement and share our experiences, it sounds like it may be time to take a deep breath and seek some better professional help given you don't seem to be able to open up to your current T.  I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who is trained in self-harm AND trauma because it does sound like this is very much trauma related.

Hey Kizzie,

Thank you for the welcome.
I know it's probably definitely something that needs to be talked to my therapist about. But it's like there's this big wall in front of me and if I dare even mention this problem, let alone try and get over the wall - the wall suddenly turns 90 degrees to hit me. The main thing that stops me is my fear of judgement and shaming. But I know my therapist is a very kind lady, realistic, but gentle. I should really try. Thank you for your encouragement.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey Rainagain,

I haven't had such a thing happen to me. But it does sound quite troubling. I hope everything is okay and nothing drastic has happened to cause such an influence on your memory.
But I don't think people would be too bothered by not being remembered, especially acquaintances. It might be unusual but it's not annoying I'd imagine.

Regards,
Ellis.

This is beautiful, Mojo. And something I haven't thought about before. Society is so caught up in saying that to thrive you need to listen to your head. But in some cases, in our cases, our heart keeps us going. It's the little part of us that rebels against the criticism, the part that gives out mercy and kindness. Sometimes we need to shut our brain up and just listen to the true part of ourselves that pleads for our care. It's the more resilient part, the part that tries to sing even when our brains have been molded and changed by our abusers.
Thanks for sharing this, I'm glad you've found some understanding.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hello BeeBeen,

It sounds like you're a bit lost, I can understand that feeling. I hope that you'll find some threads and resources here that will help you, and of course feel free to spill your thoughts - whatever feels comfortable to express.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey Gromit,

That sounds quite frustrating to say the least.  I haven't had too much experience with health monitoring so I can't say too much.
But if I were in your shoes I'd be pretty annoyed. I think any self monitoring is a good idea though so I'm not going to say you shouldn't. If you feel like it'd be beneficial then go ahead!

Regards,
Ellis.

Sound and Fury,

First off I just have to say... Wow. You've blown my mind with knowledge and care and I'm so very thankful for your reply. Words can't express.

You are right about so many things, and you mentioned one thing that resonated. Nuisance does prefer clean hair, yet my mother always said that I had Nuisance because I was filthy and a slob. It doesn't add up does it. But knowing she's wrong, knowing the facts, makes me feel not so... Disgusting.

And you're right, I mean... If I was caring for my inner child who had Nuisance, I'd brush his hair gently, massage and wash. I'd sympathise with him and tell him "don't you worry, we'll deal with it together".

I might try your recommendations first before seeing my therapist about it. I'm still quite hesitant about talking of it face to face. And I think your recommendations sound quite helpful. I can't wear gloves all the time but you've given me the idea to cut my nails a lot shorter than they are now. I don't like them so short but if it breaks my habit then I can't complain.
I'm definitely going to try the massaging thing. Maybe just taking extra care in my showers to ease and relax. And now you make me want to try all sorts of different scented products!

As I was typing this I noticed my hand reaching for my head like usual and I stopped myself this time. I know it'll be a hard habit to break but I'll never get anywhere if I don't try.

Thank you so very much. You make me feel normal and cared for. I wish you have a good and safe day.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey Erika,

I'm sorry to hear about all this. It must be incredibly overwhelming for you, to be handling so much.
Remember that it's okay to take a step back every now and then, you don't have to tackle everything all at once. If you can separate everything, deal with them all one at a time, I think it may help you to understand and find what you need the most right now - even if that's just a generic feeling.

Regards,
Ellis.

A pretty generic thread, just asking if anyone has changed their birth name and what it was like for them.
Do you have any tips? Things to look out for? What might be a good time to do it? Do you have any regrets?

I've been thinking of changing my name for a while now and I believe it's my 'next big step' to complete recovery.
My birth name has certain meanings and connotations to it, that were then used against me by my FOO to insult me and berate me.
Every time I think of my new planned name, I feel giddy inside. But I want to make sure I do this right.

Any comment is appreciated. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing this Kizzie. I found this quite validating and helpful to read.

Hey Hope,

I have to agree with a lot of what Deep Blue has mentioned. I think it's very important to communicate to your partner about these things and I'm glad you're doing so. But I believe that any sensible and mature person would want to support their partner in any way. What would he prefer? To talk to you and hear your thoughts, be there to comfort you... or just leave you to your own thoughts without letting them out? I would imagine it's the former.

As long as your partner is practicing self care and talking with you, don't blame yourself for these things.
That is just my two cents, but I'm sorry to hear about your night terrors. I can understand the pain.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey Snookie,

I really sympathise with your words here. It's like you summed up my highschool life so perfectly. I wish you all the best and lots of strength your way. And remember you ARE wanted, if not by them then at least by others or us.

Regards,
Ellis.

I just blew my nose and as per usual inspected the results.

I have read on other forum boards disgust projected at those who do so.

Why should I be ashamed of the things my body naturally produces? It does so for a reason. And checking the result gives me feedback on the state of (il)health I may or may not be in.

It is time to free myself from the shackles of judgement. The "wider populace", my FOO, and last but not in the tiniest bit least my inner critic!

What other bodily functions should I celebrate next?

Hey Boy22,

I completely agree with you and it's nice to see you standing up against such criticism! We shouldn't be shunned for just being... Human.

And it's important for us to have self care and monitor our bodies from time to time. If being shunned for such thing was appropriate, nobody would ever see a doctor!

Regards,
Ellis.