Messages

i think you handled that situation really well, ellis.  how horrible!  it just sucks that this stuff can jump up and bite us when we least expect it.  i'm glad you're safe again.  love and hugs.

Thank you kindly sanmagic,

It was definitely unexpected, I'm just trying to not let it affect my view of everything and not turn into a paranoid mess.

Regards,
Ellis.

  That's awful!     I would hate to have to live with that person after that.  Here's hoping you can get to own place soon.

Thank you for your concern LilyITV. I'm sure I'll be able to do it soon.

Regards,
Ellis.

this is so cool, ellis.  telling your inner child you're the protector.  it's what all our inner children need, what we all needed as children but didn't have in one form or another.   i give you so much credit for doing this.

as far as your surreal surroundings and such in place of actual memories, well, we all cope with this stuff in our own way.  why not make something beautiful and peaceful to take the place of what you'd rather forget?  if it works for you, i say go for it.    my d has very spotty memories of her childhood - just blank holes.  her way was to let it be.

thanks for starting your journal, sharing yourself with us.  sending love and a gentle hug, if that's ok.

Thank you kindly for reading, sanmagic.

I think it's a very healthy thing to remind oneself that - we are there to protect ourselves. Because sometimes we're so caught up in our past trauma we seem to forget we have an adult body!

Regards,
Ellis.

Love it! 

Thanks for reading Three Roses!

[Entry #1 - 26/11/2018]

Entry #1 - 26/11/2018

Mood: Relaxed.
Current F Mode: Battling my Flight urges.
Positive Reminder: Ellis, you just worked overtime. Your feet hurt from walking so much. Chill. You can clean tomorrow.

Yesterday I was posting on a different forum about memory. I noted that everyone had memories way back, some from the age of 4, some from the age of 2. And I sat there wondering what was wrong with me, because I can't remember being a kid. And the things I do remember... I wish I'd forget.

I think of fantasy worlds to fill in the gaps, to feel at peace. When I think of my inner child, I think of surreal forests and peace - a world away. Just him and I, together and alone. Let's go somewhere where words don't exist, where I only need to express myself with a smile and a waltz. We're safe and free, and I'll keep you safe forever as long as you're here. We're split, but together - two minds, but one. I know what you need, I know what you deserve. And it's so much more than you think.

Your protector,
Ellis - the tranquil.

[Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse]

This isn't really new but after talking briefly about it to my therapist today it's brought up some raw emotions.

Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse
It's been almost a year now since I've moved out of my family's home, such a huge tremendous step. The only way I could do it was to share a house with someone though, with a flatmate. And things were going well and we got along okay for the most part. But it was only recently when my flatmate made a very unwanted sexual advancement on me. I hadn't felt such anger, shame, fear all at once in a long long time. And my stupid body was too frozen and stuck to move for a while - until I finally mustered the strength to run off before it got too far. I locked myself in my room and was scared to leave my room for a few days.

I'm just so frustrated that even when I think I'm safe, I'm not. That something, someone, somewhere - is out to trigger me into fear and anger. I'm so mad that it took me years and years to become totally independent and move from my abusers... yet I still get hurt.

Things between me and my flatmate are okay now, I messaged them quite sternly to NEVER make a sexual advancement on me ever again and they haven't touched me since. I'm so so mad about this
Here's hoping to a time where I'll be able to live on my own, away from everyone, safe.

Hey bhupendra,

This has been something I've confronted my therapist a while back and she has recommended many times that I could try social clubs/events. They're great because you can be with people who enjoy the same things you do, the same hobbies and tastes. The bad thing about it is that you'll have to step out of your comfort zone to try something new and meet strangers. But with some study and looking around you might find something!

You can also try internet forums/communities, like this one. Just pick an interest and go for it. It's WAY easier making friends with people who enjoy the same things as yourself.

But just keep at it. Try not to be discouraged by a few bunches of bad people because it's inevitable. I find that a new community ALWAYS has a bad apple but there's always someone there that you can honestly call a friend.
Hope this helps a little.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey there,

A new laptop sounds awesome. I love the fresh feeling of new software. It runs so smoothly.

But it sounds like you've got plenty of things planned out! And the pet sitting sounds like a lot of fun, slightly envious. Lol

Hope you're doing alright.

Regards,
Ellis.

Beautifully written.  And the more you jump over the better you get at it, like with most things. So you can rest assured that with each attempt you're slowly getting better at it - that's how I seem to see your visualisation at least.
And it's okay if some days you fall in, it happens to all of us. Just remember to keep trying and don't give up.
Apologies if this is not how you see it.
Either way I hope all the best in your recovery.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey SharpAndBlunt,

I can relate to you. At times I'll have horrible nightmares and be terrified of going to sleep in case they may happen again (which they sometimes do. Oof)
I've found that if I've woken up and feel too startled to sleep, a cup of tea and a book/comic to read helps quite a bit. Eventually I'll feel a little calmer and with the plot of the story to think about it helps me to finally go back to sleep. And I've noticed that calm thoughts before bedtime decreases the chance of having a nightmare! But that might just be me.

Regards,
Ellis.

Hey Lily,

I think I have the same issue. The only reasoning for it I can think of is that I'm trying to make up for all the years where I didn't have anything, didn't have money, didn't have food. And now that I have money, I can't stop buying things. If I want it, I get it. And it's gotten me into strife a few times. It just feels so good to finally have... Things.
Unfortunately I don't have much advice to give as I too am trying to fix this issue. But you're not alone.

Regards,
Ellis.

Saw this infographic about trauma and how it affects four different types of memory on Twitter this morning and thought Id share it.  Explains a lot about my interesting memory issues.

Hey Kizzie,

I was excited to look at this but it looks like the link is broken now? Is there any other way to view it?

Regards,
Ellis.

Hello Ellis,
Welcome    the people in this forum are nothing if not caring. 

Before this forum, I often felt profoundly alone.  Now I feel like I have an extended family of people who understand.  Glad to have ya

Hello Deep Blue,

Thank you kindly for your friendly reply. I hope I'll also feel the same as you do now.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Some minor backstory - involves neglect:]

This is going to be hard to type... But here goes.

Some minor backstory - involves neglect:
(Feel free to skip to below if you don't want to read)

It's... This word. This thing that I fear and despise so much. Lice. Let's call it something else for the sake of my sanity because seeing it, hearing it, saying it makes me uncomfortable. It's now called Nuisance.

I had Nuisance in the younger years and my mother at first would be there to treat my hair. But as I grew, it changed. I had Nuisance again and I went to my mother for help. She snarled at me in response, wondering how I got it again. Eventually she would treat my hair. But it wasn't treated enough and a week later I found I still had Nuisance. I confronted my mother and she became very angry. At that point I left her alone as to not cause her a headache. I waited a month. I asked for help again. She had somehow assumed that I had rid of Nuisance, so when I told her she snapped "You got it again!? Why do you keep doing this? It's so frustrating."

Seeing her disgust of me I dropped the subject. I waited more months, and more... Months turned into years. Every now and then I'd ask for help, but she groaned and ignored me every time. I tried to treat my own hair but it was the length of my tailbone at that point. I couldn't treat all that hair on my own, and I couldn't see a hairdresser with Nuisance.

Eventually I managed to get rid of Nuisance! A miracle. I was so so happy. And then I visited a friend... And got it again. When I saw it I dissociated into a numbing psychotic state. I couldn't believe it. After trying to rid of it for years I had it again. I didn't dare tell anyone, and some days I think I refused to believe it myself.


Thankfully I don't have Nuisance right now and I keep my hair short as it should be.


So what's the actual problem?
My habits. I claw at my head and hair without me even thinking, without even having an itch. I just automatically mutilate myself and I can't stop.


What do I need?
Advice. How do I stop? What can I do to drop this habit?
It's such a terrifying subject to me that I don't want to see my doctor or therapist about it. It makes me feel like a disgusting human being.
I have been shunned for this my whole life and I'm scared to talk about it.

Hey there, new to the forum but not new to CPTSD.

I'm here because I'm lonely and I'm tired of feeling like an alien among other people. I want to find people who actually care.

My road to recovery is actually going quite well thanks to therapy, medication, and estrangement. I'm just trying to tie up some loose ends now and find comfort in myself as a human being with a traumatic past.
I think it's just been especially hard as of late with everyone talking about Thanksgiving and when I think of being back with my family it makes my skin crawl.

Anyway I won't rant too much. Hope to stick around.