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Kizzie,

I want to tell you how much I appreciate OOTS and all you do (which I'm sure is much more than I can imagine) to keep it going. The wonderful people on OOTS are an important part of my support system.

I've noticed that when you respond to others, you often share ideas; "maybe this would work, or would it help to try?. . ." I love your creativity in finding help/solutions to problems. Even more, I applaud your courage in sharing your ideas with others.

Thank you, Kizzie!

[>This is not safe. There are people in my house and even though they wouldn't intentionally listen, they might hear me. >It is not safe to talk about the bad things while NOT with T.>Hope (5 years old) has been dreading and waiting for the time to share her experience. Waiting for when we start having therapy 2x/week consistently. Waiting for the day when we have therapy that I don't have to go to work the next day. Now she has to wait. It has been hard to wait. Now it is put off. Don't even know for sure how long.>I AM WASTING TIME. Been trying to catch up in therapy with new therapist. That already feels like Now I am being pushed back further. Trying to make progress and pushed back, pushed back. Useless.>Feel not safe and somewhat abandoned. Not quite.>I am not good at technology and might not even be able to connect.]

This may be a bit rambling because I am falling. Trying to grab branches (talk to myself rationally), then the branch breaks.   

Therapist is now (until at least April 7) doing video chat sessions or phone sessions. I knew this might happen. I talked to myself about it before hand. I talked to one of the Littles about it. Yet, when he sent the emailing stating it, I felt that falling feeling. Grasping at logic, trying to stop the descent. Logic isn't strong enough to stop the fall.

Will write why I am falling and if I have any logic or reassurances will also write those.


>This is not safe. There are people in my house and even though they wouldn't intentionally listen, they might hear me.

>It is not safe to talk about the bad things while NOT with T.

>Hope (5 years old) has been dreading and waiting for the time to share her experience. Waiting for when we start having therapy 2x/week consistently. Waiting for the day when we have therapy that I don't have to go to work the next day. Now she has to wait. It has been hard to wait. Now it is put off. Don't even know for sure how long.

>I AM WASTING TIME. Been trying to catch up in therapy with new therapist. That already feels like  Now I am being pushed back further. Trying to make progress and pushed back, pushed back. Useless.

>Feel not safe and somewhat abandoned. Not quite.

>I am not good at technology and might not even be able to connect.

I also feel selfish that all this awfulness is going on in the entire world; people are losing jobs, really sick, and even dying; and I'm complaining about having to do video therapy instead of face to face. I am pitiful.

So much for the logic and reassurance.

[Getting Some Rest as a Complex Trauma Survivor]

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/nighttime101

"Getting Some Rest as a Complex Trauma Survivor
  It's no secret that survivors of trauma often have an incredibly difficult time with sleep. Whether that's due to experiencing terrible nightmares, night terrors or sleep paralysis; having a racing mind that won't turn off; only feeling safe to sleep during the daytime; or wrestling with any of the countless complications surrounding bedtime — we know that the time of day most really look forward to can be one that fills many survivors with dread.  We have accumulated, used and witnessed the success of many different tools and strategies over the years - tools that are designed to help trauma survivors not only get to sleep, but do so safely and stay asleep peacefully."

Discusses: Routine, Journaling, Internal Parts (DID), Medication.

Like many of you, there are nights where I get very little sleep. This article compassionately addresses possible solutions to the difficulty sleeping that trauma survivors can experience.

For myself, I think I will try to somehow be intentional about putting the Littles to bed (DID) or at least asking and listening to them when I have trouble sleeping. Also, I am anxious about sharing a memory with my T tomorrow. Based on past experience, I can picture a restless night ahead. When I was reading the section on journaling, I pictured drawing a bag with the memory inside, to be opened in the T's office.

Good night!

Helpful article on three levels of triggers.
https://information.pods-online.org.uk/three-types-of-trigger-three-techniques-for-taming/

[I am not alone.]

I decided to start a recovery journey. It's a new year----well, yes it is February. I am starting with a new therapist. T E R R I F I E D.

Ever since I started therapy to deal with CSA, I have envisioned it as a journey into rugged mountainous terrain. There have been deep crevices, dangerous cliffs, and consuming mud. And fog. Lots and lots of fog, blinding me to the next part of the journey and often blocking my vision of my next step. Now I am going to another part of the land (there never has been a trail), that seems really dark and even more unknown.

Starting with where I am now, what are my resources?

Jesus is still with me.
Friends who are more informed and a greater support.
Skills I have learned: grounding, etc.
OOTS
I have been heard and cared for.
I am getting better at self-kindness.

Sometimes I can't see, hear, or sense anyone around me; but it is important for me to remember: I am not alone.

[so hard and painful]

I have been seeing my therapist for individual therapy for 20 months. He is not in my insurance network so I have been paying 100%. Got a part time job to pay for therapy. Every time I thought about seeing someone who was in insurance network, the Littles freaked out with visions of going to a new therapist, who would end up hurting them. When I write that, it almost seems silly, but the depth and intensity of the fear is enormous.

About six weeks ago I fell apart in marriage therapy (different therapist). I already talked about it in another post, so won't go into details. The therapist showed compassion, understanding, calm and knowledge. Marriage therapist is in network, so I've been thinking about switching to having individual therapy with him.

Today talked to my T about the possibility of switching. He understood and was very supportive. (The two men know each other.) Next Monday I have my regular session and then a session (alone) with marriage therapist, to interview him about being my T.

I started today's session in tears. I am pretty sure I will be making the change. My T knows so much about me, has been such an anchor and support, has shown the Littles and myself such compassion and acceptance. It is really hard to do this, but I think in the long run, it is a wise decision. When I talked to T today, I said that I think I will be doing this (therapy) for quite awhile. He affirmed that. If we were talking about months, it would be different, but reality is, we are probably talking about years. Financially, I could have three sessions with marriage therapist for the same amount of money that I pay out of pocket for one session with current therapist.

For those who have followed my other post regarding therapist issues, I wanted to have my relationship with my therapist resolved/healed before I switched. The issue is resolved. Any lingering hurt regarding that, I believe connects with past pain.

If things go as I anticipate, I will see my T two more times. I will also see "new" therapist those two weeks.

This is so hard and painful, but I believe it is a wise decision.

Many ideas for self-care. I printed these 101 ideas so that I have more tools.

"Treating your body, mind, and spirit with love and kindness gives you a chance to feel the very things you were denied or didn't know you needed. YOU have a chance to be in control and to be the benefactor of that gift — what a remarkable shift in dynamics from what you've always known. Self-care is active defiance against all who hurt you or trained you to hurt yourself. With every positive affirmation, loving touch, and self-protective act, you strongly reject and defy everything they drilled into you and hoped you'd feel forever. Reclaim your worth. It's YOURS, not theirs."

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog

First, thank you to Snowdrop for sharing your journey in IFS. When you first started sharing, I wanted to support you, but found myself unable to read your posts. Then I got to the point of being able to skim what you wrote. More recently, I have been able to read your posts in full.

Our marriage therapist recommended Internal Family Systems Therapy by Schwartz and Sweezy to my husband to help him to understand my DID (dissociative identity disorder). Between his recommendation and Snowdrop's and others' sharing, I decided to buy the book.

It came yesterday. A part, who is very against this whole thing, wanted to burn the book before I even opened it. It is an expensive book, so no way that is going to happen! I know at least some of the reasons why she is resistant, although I don't feel at liberty to share those yet. I did start reading it. I'm putting an X by the parts that seem dangerous to her. Also saying to the parts that I'm just reading the book right now. That does mean I'm under any obligation to put any of it into practice.

I think I might have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). When I look at information and check lists online, well, I check a lot of yeses. It makes sense, using food and especially sugar, to 'medicate' my cPTSD symptoms. I don't know why this is a shock to me. I knew I had eating issues, but don't have bulimia or anorexia. I looked up PTSD and food issues online and saw BED. I didn't know that Binge Eating was a disorder. Guess a bit of a punch in the stomach to add another (self) diagnosis to cPTSD and DID.

Other then once saying that my eating is out of control, I haven't talked about my food issues in therapy. I am very reluctant to bring it up. Still dealing with relationship/trust issues with T. Also, haven't told him many things over the last four weeks that I need/want/should tell him that occurred during those four weeks (including SH).

Having Binge Eating Disorder is another thing that I don't want to be true and another issue that is too big for me.

I added this video to my "grounding" library folder in YouTube for times that are really hard and I need someone to walk me through the very basics of using the 5 senses. It is less than 6 minutes long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azG_EHKRqmk

Hi. This is Hope. I am five.    Something really important happened so I have to tell you. For a long time I have wanted a doll. Yesterday my friend gave me a doll. She is butiful. I haven't named her yet. A name is very important. I want to take her out now and look at her, but there are too many people here, in the house, who don't know about me. This is very important news that I wanted to share with you.


                               

I don't think I can make sense in this post. My head is all over. The Littles are confused and distraught. This is the first time in about seven hours that I've come out from being buried in a blanket.

Late Wednesday night, Hope (5 yrs.) emailed T. She had the tough session the Monday before and needed reassurance that he was there and that he cared. A couple more things, but that was the main part. He did not respond, which has happened on a couple of occasions.

Today in session, T said he didn't respond to Hope's email (truthfully, I don't know if I can get this right because my head is whirling with thoughts of rejection and abandonment) because he wanted me, adult NotAlone, to remind her that he cared. Also something about not wanting to encourage the Littles to be out when not in therapy.

I retreated into a whirlwind of panic and feeling like I needed to get out. I didn't talk. Could barely talk when he asked a question. There is so much here: past therapists who abandoned, present T's reassurances that it was okay to email him and all my doubts/fears about that. Hope not understanding what she did wrong. (She's crying now.)

He asked me who was mostly present. I don't know. It wasn't one of the three who usually come to therapy.

*****TW -/SH********************************************************************************************************************
Once I was home, did some SH. Haven't done that in decades. Don't feel shame or guilt, only wish I had cut deeper.*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
end TW

Spent several hours on the bathroom floor. Then several hours on my bed. Asked my daughter to make dinner. I have nothing in me to be mom or wife or anything else. I can't go on, but I have no choice because I am a mother.

Dinner is ready. Will try to eat with the family. Don't know if I can do it.

Trigger Warning

Written (with help) by 5-year-old, Hope (inside NotAlone)

Last week, in therapy, I colored a picture of a belt on a long strip of paper. It was something used in the bad thing that happened to me. I thought that maybe, if I colored a picture of it, I could talk about it without going back to that bad place. (I got the idea from something Blueberry said. Thanks, Blueberry.) I was able to talk about how a belt, and especially the sound of it, scared me. I didn't go to the bad place and I think that is the first time that I've talked about it without going back there at all.

I told my T that when I hear NotAlone's husband take off his belt, it is like a big icicle that goes through me. I asked him how to stop the icicle or at least make it smaller. He said there were things we could try. Might help, might not. One thing he suggested was to tear up the picture. That made me really scared. I said it was like going against THEM. He said that was exactly what it was. I thought about doing that last week, but I was too scared, so I asked him to read me a story instead.

This week I took scissors and cut up the picture of the belt. I say that like it was a simple thing, but it wasn't like that. I sat on the floor a long time, being scared, talking to my T. I said I was afraid they would come through the door. He told me I was safe and they would not come in. I finally picked up the scissors and cut off the buckle part and cut it into pieces. Then I cut the belt into pieces that were too small to ____________. I think we talked more, I don't remember. Then I took the pieces and cut those into smaller pieces.

My T asked me how I was feeling. I still felt (and feel) scared, but the scared got smaller and I felt a bit mad. (That's when I cut the pieces into even smaller pieces.)

Next week I'm going to burn the pieces.

It is scary telling you this, but I want to tell you for two reasons. First, it was a really big thing for me to do. Second, telling all of you also feels like going against THEM. My T always asks me what my body is doing. It is all tingly --like scared---inside from writing that.

Today I received a phone call from work with high pressure to take a new client. I said no and kept to it, but after hanging up, felt anxious and felt like SH.  It felt similar to when the insurance agent was pushing me to see a T who was in network. My T would say to be curious. Why is it so upsetting when someone pressures me? Maybe the bigger question is: "Why so distressing when I say no to someone who is pressuring me?"  A couple of answers came to my mind. I laid on my bed for awhile feeling the foggy head, etc. After about an hour I was able to get up and eat. I wrapped some gifts. Grounding.

The triggered state only lasted about an hour. I've had EFs last days and probably even weeks, so as crummy as it felt, I am encouraged that it only lasted an hour.

Is it possible to get through a week without being triggered? Grrrr.

Need to process here.

Fifteen minutes ago I fell down two stairs. I was cleaning floors, slipped and went down two stairs on my back. I initially lay/sat on the floor waiting for the pain to subside and trying to catch my breath. Being physically hurt is triggering to me. While on the floor I'm thinking, "Why isn't anyone checking on me?" (two adult children home) I know I verbalized some "pain noise," although not to the extent that I was hurting. After a bit my daughter asked if I was okay. I told her no, I fell down the stairs. She came in. At that point I was standing up. Lifted up my shirt--back red and scrapped. She said something--oh my--maybe.

As I said, being hurt is triggering.  TW..................I have never been beaten, but have been violently sexually violated. So the trigger of pain. --------------------end TW

I finished cleaning the floors. That is something to consider. Ignore the hurt, do what I "need" to do.

Those couple of minutes (felt longer) that I was on the floor, wondering why no one was checking on me, triggering for being abused and it not being seen (or being ignored). My therapist has said that I couldn't possibly have acted/looked/behaved okay after ______. There were people who should have seen and noticed.

My back looked really red at first. I looked at it again before writing this and the redness was diminishing. This is mixed up with a couple of things. Proof that I was really hurt. I'm not making it up. If injury can be seen, validation.

(I want to let you dear, caring people know that my injuries are minor. My back didn't go out, just scrapes and probably bruises.)

Emotionally, feel a bit like I'm sinking.

In January, our insurance changed. Therapist not on plan, which meant paying out of pocket. At the time I went through a great deal of distress trying to decide what to do. I decided to continue seeing the same therapist and get a part time job to pay for it. I thought that after I paid a certain amount (which is where I'm at now), insurance would pay part of my therapy sessions. After spending a long time on the phone with insurance agent yesterday, I found out that was not the case. I won't go into the details, but they won't pay any of it. The agent went on and on about "why aren't you seeing someone in network?" "You've already spent ______ and if you were in network it would only be ______." She even told me that she saw the same therapist for five years so she understood wanting to be with the same person, but. . .  I was very calm on the phone with her and thanked her for clarifying, but when I hung up I was being swept away in a whirlwind. I felt stupid and guilty for staying with the same T, which is costing me a LOT of money. The thought of seeing someone else sends me into utter panic.

If I did see someone else, I think it would take a minimum of 6 months to get caught up to where I am now. Also, my husband will be retiring in a year, so 6 months to get to current point with new therapist and then six months of therapy. After that, likely therapist would not accept retirement insurance.

I am working part-time, enough hours to pay for therapy. My therapy (since January) is not taking money away from my family.

I'm not seriously considering switching therapists, and still the Littles are freaking out over the thought. If I were to switch, not only would it be hard for them to trust new T, they would loose trust in me.

I say all this, but inside the whirlwind is raging. I say to myself: "You made a decision to stay with T. You decided that was the best thing for yourself. You are working, even though sometimes incredibly difficult, to pay to stay with T." Why can't I just say that and move on? Why is this making me crazy?

If you choose to respond to this post, please don't advise about seeing a new T. I need to be heard and understood how crazy-making this is and maybe be reassured that I'm not being stupid.

This morning I was thinking about how small tasks can seem so overwhelming. I see things that need to be done, but it feels like too much. For example, I had been looking at my very dusty fan above my bed. After weeks of seeing it and thinking, "that needs to be washed," I finally washed it. It didn't really take very long. Another example, the small flower garden in my yard needed to be cleaned out. After the first snow melted (!!!), I got outside and cleaned it up. I had wanted to save seeds to plant in the spring; however, it was all I could do to pull up the dead plants and put those into the yard waste. Just that little thing of saving seeds was too much on that day. 


Maybe it's because life with cPTSD is just so wearing. I also have DID so I have needy, hurting children inside who need time, attention and care. Add to that the stress of things that have to be done. I work part time, but even a 3 or 5 hour shift requires a lot of my energy for me to be "on." After that I need crash time.

As I look at this week, these things seem big: today-memorial service for good friend who died of cancer, Monday-therapy (even though an hour, it consumes most of my day), Tues, work and first marriage session with new therapist (8 out of 10 on anxiety scale), between work and other responsibilities no days this week that I am completely "off."

Thanks for listening. I am now going to take a deep breath and straighten  and vacuum one room. 

Many people have told me I am brave and courageous for dealing with CSA, for telling a secret, etc. I realize that I automatically dismiss those words as not being true about me. I don't know why. 

Inner critic is working overtime right now.  Since July I have been doing a new part time job, but did not quit my other part time job. I have decided not to continue with the new job. I am under contract with them until January, but am not required to take a minimum number of clients, so I will just finish the three clients that I have and not open my schedule to any more. I was hoping to feel relief with this decision, but I feel like a failure. One of the activities that I have seen suggested regarding increasing self-kindness, is to write down your self-condemning thoughts, then answer those thoughts with how you would respond to someone else or how someone who cares about you would respond. I'm going to try that here.

(Critic): You don't even deserve to write on OOTS right now for support. You haven't been on there for awhile.
You haven't been on OOTS because you've been having a really hard time lately. It's not that you don't care about people. You have just been trying to get by. There are people on OOTS who care about you. It is okay to write even though you haven't been able to read or respond for awhile.

You are a failure. Other people do that job and love it. What is wrong with you?
Other people are not in my situation. They are not struggling with trauma. In a different time and a different situation, I could have done the job successfully.

You invested a lot of money in materials needed for this job. You aren't worth it.
True. I did invest money. Two of the big purchases were probably really needed and will continue to be used by my family and myself. I tried to be careful not to spend too much on the smaller items.

You spend too much time preparing for each client. You should be able to do that faster.
One of the reasons that you are good at what you do is because you put effort and preparation into your job. Probably the other employees who are doing a good job are spending time preparing. Also, in order to gain enough clients to quit job #1, you would need to invest even more time, at no pay. This job is taking a lot of unpaid time and you are worth being paid for your work.

You shouldn't get so stressed before each client.
My stress has been decreasing. That is part of living with c-PTSD. New things are very stressful. That is my reality, one of the consequences of the damage done to me. I am not bad for feeling anxious.

You can't do anything right.
Not true. I do many things right. I've even done this job right. It just isn't right for me at this time. (I recall my second grade teacher tell me those exact words, "You can't do anything right.") I reject those words. They are not true. Besides, my value is not based on doing things right or perfectly.

You better start looking for another job right now!
You still have your first job and are getting enough hours. Give yourself a little break before looking for something else. Also, give yourself time to reevaluate if you should stick with job #1 or find something else
Your husband is supportive of you quitting. He's not complaining that you invested money.


I feel shaky and waves of fog going through my body. I wish I could just quit a job and go on instead of feeling the self-condemnation of childhood.

I've been having physical flashback ever since my therapy session last week (not continuous, but frequent). I am reminding myself that I am safe, etc. This is distressing, but it is not sending me to crazy-land. I see that as growth.