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Will try to write this in a way that makes sense. Hard to do when I feel crazy. 

Yesterday's therapy session started depressing and went downhill from there. After a caring visit with a friend, I went home and took a Vicodin--partly to get rid of my headache (didn't work) and partly to get a break from my feelings. Not sure if it was the pill I took or only a continuation of the difficult space I was in during session; anyway a very angry self-destructive "part" was the most present. "She" sent an email to my T. Later that night I read the email and it really scared me. I won't go into details, but it was her feeling violent toward all my parts.

My T sent me an email this morning to check in on me. I am looking normal on the outside. Managed to work a three-hour shift, although at times felt like my head was full of bees. I went for a walk with a couple of friends, not sharing, just company. I did text a few friends who know what I am struggling with. Their care, prayers, and responses do help. I feel in and out of crazy. When I try to breathe or ground the message in my head is, "This is so stupid. This doesn't work." I have attempted a couple of times to go through Walker's 13 steps. I don't get further than step one, "I am having a flashback." Response in my head: "No you're not. You are just CRAZY." I keep trying to ground and to breathe, but it is so hard. I feel like I am fighting a war that cannot be won.

I guess sending this post is a small way of me fighting for myself.

I went for a grounding walk today, taking in nature. A young part of me showed up and was feeling joy, feeling the sunshine, hearing the birds, etc. Then that part starting thinking about being with a caring person. Suddenly, I felt like I was stabbed in the chest, feeling deep sadness; the grief of the unmet desire to have had someone (like a parent) find delight in me. I almost started crying. I held back the tears, maybe because the feeling was so unexpected, but also because I knew that I needed to put my "mom hat" on in a few minutes. I went home and ate two icecream bars.

My husband and I have a marriage therapy session once a month. The other three weeks of the month are my individual sessions. My husband is a nice, honest, patient man. There are things that are upsetting to me and I do think that those are legitimate frustrations/irritations/hurts. Sometimes when those things happen, my feelings are so huge and can last hours to days. Then something happens and it is like there is a switch and I see him as he is; not perfect, but not a monster. I haven't talked to my therapist about this for two reasons. One, I am dealing with so much from the past and feel like I am bearly making it session to session, that I don't want to "waste" session time talking about my marriage. Two, at times in our marriage session, I feel like an angry teenager, who is being blamed for everything. When I step back, I truthfully do not think that either my husband or therapist are blaming me, but those feelings are strong. I fear that if I confess how my thoughts and feelings about him are like being in a tornado and then something happens and there is a switch and I see him more objectively, that I will be totally blamed for issues in our relationship. Any input and advice is welcome.

There are two faith-based songs that I have been listening to a lot lately. I feel like the writer knows my story. Both can be found on YouTube and are by the artist, Plumb.
"Need You Now"
"Beautifully Broken"

This is my second attempt to send this message. Even though it isn't that revealing, I still feel vulnerable.

My therapist told me that I need to get better at grounding. I started a "grounding journal," recording what I've tried, how it went, etc. I've used YouTube for breathing and meditation exercises. Breathing is really hard for me. I think that I have spent over 50 years taking shallow breaths. My stomach and chest feel like they are enclosed by an iron cage. I am trying to give myself grace and pats on the back for efforts and small victories. Also am really mad that at the age of 50+ I have to learn how to breathe! Please let me know any tips and helps you have for grounding. Thanks.

I am blessed to have several friends who know in general what I am going through. However, that is not the same as getting support from others who share similar struggles. I found this website yesterday and I could relate to so much of what others had written. It helps me to feel less crazy and less alone.