Messages

Lessening the impact he has on you will certainly take time. Your insight that you "don't believe you have the right" was a giant step. The small steps are important too.  I'm right there with you; one step at a time, one day at a time.

Not pressuring yourself and waiting until the time feels right sounds like a good way to be kind to yourself. 

Waking up in the morning feels like the worst part of my day. It's like the reality of the past and present is inescapable.

Often the past is very near to me in the morning. On days when I have to work or have another commitment, it is really hard. There are times when I'm getting ready for the day and I have to say to myself, "no, you can not curl up in a ball. Do the next step. Brush your teeth (or whatever)." If I don't have a commitment, I allow myself time to comfort myself and slowly come back into 2020.

The following are ideas for sleep and cptsd.
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/nighttime101
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/nighttime201

San, thank you for your lovely thoughts. We are trying to take one day at a time, but sometimes we think ahead and then feel overwhelmed and like we're falling.

A friend brought me a crate of children's stories.  I read to Hope and other Littles tonight. Another friend send Hope an encouraging card and stickers.

owl25, I hear the pain you are experiencing. Welcome. 

Middle B and Little B: Hello from Hope. 
Snowdrop, Hope says thank you for the sun sticker.

Work went okay. Appreciate your thoughts and for standing by me.

Wow, San. That is huge to come to the realization that you have that core belief.

http://pete-walker.com/humanBillofRights.htm

i was able to begin softening some of it, which felt good, released some poison thru soft tears, which was different cuz my tears usually feel acrid.  these were so very soft - maybe a sign that i have the right to want and to deserve softness in my life, in my relationships.  nothing w/ an edge for now, nothing that goes against my being.  even the slightest warning bell is to be heeded - my radar is on high alert, but not like hypervigilence.  more like it's finely tuned, precise in a way it wasn't before.  i'm very tired.

Yes, you do have the right to want and to deserve softness in your life. Yes, yes, yes. 

we will hold what you've written gently and compassionately, no matter what it is. 

But I have trauma with that (I feel stupid saying that).



I wanted to also note that today I've been in an EF that has incapacitated me to do anything, and that's ok. I just can't get my surroundings, so it's ok.

There are so many different connections to the traumas we experience. Your reason for being triggered by journaling makes sense. Even if you didn't know the reasons behind your distress, your feelings are legitimate. I picked up on "I feel stupid" because I realize that I say that fairly often in my therapy sessions.

I'm sorry you are in an EF, but so good that you are being kind to yourself.

Snowdrop, that is so heavy. So sad. 

Panda, just want you to know that I read your letter. 

 

Thanks, Woodsgnome. 

Having a hard day. When I woke up this morning, Hope had been thinking about/dreaming about telling T about her abuse. She was reliving parts of it. Also, T gave me some homework, which I did yesterday. It has left me feeling a little sad and also vulnerable. Part of me feels like I probably did it wrong and will be in trouble. Not sure where that's coming from. In my wildest imagination, I can't see my T reacting negatively, even if I completely misunderstood what he said.

Also, something happened at work, leaving me feeling horrible. I dread going in on Tuesday.

Feeling sad.

Hope would like you to know that so far the stickers she has chosen are: the word "hope," a big sun, and a tea set.

I left the conversation feeling exhausted, gaslit, covertly scolded, and unheard/unseen. Worse than usual. I used to think I was reading too much into it and too sensitive, but now i feel like I finally get it.

From what I read, it seems you were hoping to receive care from your dad, but he didn't even ask how you were. That sounds really hurtful.

Just a thought if this were to happen again. Perhaps you could say something like, "I believe my prices are comparable to others who do this work." Like your post title says, Blueberry, you deserve to be paid for the work you do.

I am doing better. Not feeling like I'm falling. Not feeling like I'm not going to make it. Trying to take one day at a time and not get too far into the future.

Hope is back to being "Hope" (not "Hopeless"). She hung on through April, waiting to be able to tell her abuse to T in person. Now that won't happen in May (still no contact). Really hard. Just writing that I feel the incredible weight of that burden of holding on day by day. . . then, nope, need to hold on for AT LEAST another 31 days. Heavy, heavy weight.

T talked to Hope about what would help her get through each day. I will try to take a walk with Hope when weather permits. I will try to read a story to her and the other Littles. I started this a bit ago and haven't followed through. I told Hope that every day she could choose a sticker to put in my journal. (Bach, that idea probably came from what you're doing with your Littles.)

One day at a time. And as San reminded me, breathe.

Thank you everyone for being there for me this week.