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Messages - bluepalm

#16
In a recent discussion with my GP about my emotional state, which was at that time 'all over the place', I told her it frightens me how quickly my thoughts have, throughout my life, turned to suicide. I recounted my recent thoughts of planning to board my dogs and then send a  note to the boarding kennel telling them I would not return.

Hearing this, my GP arranged an urgent referral to a counsellor the next day. Her urgency puzzled me. When I saw the counsellor she was obviously worried that I would hurt myself, that I was in danger. When I next saw my GP, she said she had been frightened by my plans for my dogs.

This series of events led to an important insight for me.

I realised that the speed with which my thoughts turn to suicide is because such thoughts are my only effective way of 'self-soothing'.

When I seek comfort in my mind there is a frightening blank - no people, no events, no memories, no places, nothing comes to my mind to give me comfort. I have nothing to cling to in my mind when I feel frantic for comfort - except the thought of extinction.

I wonder why it has taken me so long to understand this when I actually wrote a poem about it forty years ago!  Here is what I wrote:

The sharpness of the sun
and the square heaviness
of daily doings -
of breakfast toast
and truck exhaust,
of children's sticky faces
in my lap.

These mock my midnight struggle
when the unassailable logic
of the comfort of extinction
filled my mind -
and overflowed in visions
of drifting softly in the sandy depths
weeds woven round my eyes
fleshy dribbles being nibbled
from my breasts.


This insight has given me relief. It has drained a lot of the fear out of the way I turn so quickly to thinking of death. In fact it has made me feel angry that I have been left all my life with nothing but death to turn to for comfort. That my relationship with my parents (and then with my husband) was so desperately bleak, so devoid of any moment of comfort. What an indictment of their behaviour towards an innocent infant and child and a broken and desperately sad young woman!

It feels healing to turn my fear into anger. I feel this has been an extremely important and protective insight.
#17
Checking Out / Needing a break
October 14, 2021, 10:01:04 PM
I've recently had a disappointment in therapy. My doctor recommended a psychologist who was trauma aware. However, although he was a kind  man, he was intent on proceeding with schema therapy, which I felt was not appropriate for addressing my central symptom, my grief.

However, from that brief experience I've taken away a new resolve to tackle my strong tendency to fall into rumination and to rely on avoidance of people and of TV/movies to protect me from being triggered.

As a result, I feel I need to take a break from OOTS for a while. I need to concentrate on being actively 'in the moment', inviting new stimulation and ceasing to ruminate on my trauma or to consider others' traumatic experiences.

I'm sure I will be back because this forum has been central to my healing process. However, for the moment I need a rest.

Meanwhile, I thank Kizzie and all those who contribute to this kind and caring space.
#18
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Intro
October 05, 2021, 08:53:51 PM
'Crying a lot, but I think it's a good sign' - oh Marigold I know that feeling. Welcome to this caring community. I'm so glad you had the courage to post your introduction. There's a wealth of experience here that has helped me enormously - all shared generously, as Kizzie and Blueberry have done right here for you. I look forward to hearing more of your journey and sharing and learning together.
#19
Family / Re: Saw my parents and feel confused and sad
October 02, 2021, 08:28:21 PM
Oh Pippi, my heart goes out to you. Such an overwhelming tragedy. I have no other words - just that my heart goes out to you.
bluepalm
#20
Thanks for this recommendation Pippi. I hadn't heard of this book but I shall get it now. Accessing my anger better is something I'm currently working on. The very title resonates - 'just ignore him' is an echo for me of  what I heard so frequently - 'get out of my sight'. Thank you!
#21
General Discussion / Re: The Yo-Yo of Self
September 29, 2021, 10:39:35 PM
This thread keeps giving to me.

Papa Coco - what you write here resonates deeply with me. I, too, know it is true. What you wrote deserves repeating.

"I know the truth. We all belong. We all have rights. For lack of respectful parents, we just don't feel like we do.

"It's trauma. Pure and simple. This is not a character flaw, nor a disease, nor a birth defect. This is Trauma. The better we get at learning about trauma, the better we'll become at finding that love for ourselves that we have all earned. For the most part, we Fawn types are the world's most beautiful people who have devoted our lives to others. The salt of the earth. So we have definitely earned a place in our own hearts."

Having recently started seeing a trauma informed therapist who is taking a refreshing approach to my concerns and whose first counsel was that I need to be my own best friend, I'm getting more optimistic that 'if I seek it, I will find it' - although I'm not yet 'sure' I'll find it. But boy am I willing to work hard with him to try to find it!

Pippi - you say: "It is so lonely, isn't it?  Always feeling like you are set apart, somehow flawed and damaged, and longing to be seen and loved for more than just the perfect image you put out there to the world?" 

Yes, I understand this so well. I long to be seen and loved for all that I am. Just for being. I have yet to experience this. And maybe I never will. However, I'm willing to work at learning to love and care for myself. That's all I can realistically expect. And maybe that is enough.

As an aside, may I say that I love your chosen name 'Pippi'. As I child my very favourite book was Pippi Longstocking. It was my favourite because Pippi lived her life without parents. I so enjoyed that Pippi had no parents in her day to day life. It was wonderful to contemplate that state of freedom. I later learned that I was not alone - my (younger) brother longed for our parents to die so we two children could live quietly alone, free of them.  When I learnt that, I felt so sad for my brother, who I did not regard as flawed and damaged, but as a full human being, deserving of love. I'm still learning to also feel sad for myself.  The flaws and damage inside me include a churning mess of 'you don't deserve to be loved' that I need to cast aside. This I am still working on.

Thank you to everyone for this helpful and meaningful thread.
#22
The Blue Knot Foundation in Australia has today launched new branding and announced that it now has two websites, one specifically for adult survivors of complex trauma and those who personally support them (www.blueknot.org.au ) and a separate website for professional practitioners in the area of complex trauma (professionals.blueknot.org.au).  The announcement states:

"Our new Blue Knot Community website which can still be found at www.blueknot.org.au is wholly dedicated to the needs of adult survivors of complex trauma and those who personally support them including friends, partners, family and carers."

"Today we are also launching our Blue Knot Professional Community website at professionals.blueknot.org.au.  This site, which links seamlessly with the Community site is tailored to better meet the needs of practitioners, service providers and leaders. It offers professional development training programs and webinars, reflective practice, supervision and organisational change options as well as evidence-informed publications, fact sheets and resources. As we build our professional community, we will develop more tools for practitioners and services to better support survivors towards recovery while safeguarding their own wellbeing."
#23
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Dreams Triggering EFs
September 20, 2021, 09:55:00 PM
Dante, I have regularly experienced nightmares that leave me exhausted and in turmoil for up to 48 hours or more.

My nightmares centre on my childhood home and my parents and trying to get 'home' and always failing. The fact that I have to struggle to emerge from the exhaustion and turmoil I feel upon waking is, for me, evidence that the dream has triggered some emotional flashback that carries well into my waking hours.

I've written elsewhere (in the medication section) of recently seeking medication to deal with these nightmares because the fallout is so debilitating. And I've found that what has been prescribed, Prazosin, has not only taken the edge off the nightmare (so I can wake and remember the content of the dream clearly but not be so emotionally devastated) but has also considerably lessened the aftermath, what I understand to be a triggering into an emotional flashback.

I'm not suggesting this medication is an answer for you or anyone else. However, I thought my experience could be useful for others to hear.
#24
Physical Abuse / Re: how do i become normal?
September 20, 2021, 09:43:14 PM
Larry i am sitting here anguishing with you when you say "I am so lost right now".

I've had so many moments of feeling exactly that, and sometimes I've felt it was as a reaction to days of feeling I was getting somewhere.

The image that has just come to me is that of my struggle to literally float in the water. I was unable to float in the water until I was in my mid thirties. I did not trust the water to hold me and I'd thrash around and inevitably sink.

My wish for you, and an insight for me right now , is that you are able to somehow cease the thrashing around long enough to 'float' through this feeling of being lost.

I've also experienced what others describe here - feeling lost and then recovering, then falling again and then recovering. And the need to accept that, in time, my perspective will change, hopefully for the better. But I still do struggle to accept what I've learnt when I'm in the midst of turmoil and feeling lost.

The insight your words have given me is that my current turbulence this morning, my wish to shut my front door and never let another human being enter my home, will pass and I need to somehow trust this and 'float' through this morning's distress. 

We on this forum have been injured by other humans and we're left trying to manage the effects of the injuries through whatever means we can. It is such an injustice that has been done to us. I am grateful for this community, where those confronting this injustice and its consequences can support each other.

I hope my words are helpful. And thank you Larry, for helping me, by being here and giving voice to your struggles.
#25
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here!
September 18, 2021, 01:32:23 AM
A warm welcome to you Laura666. What you describe sounds like relentless trauma over a long period to me, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the kindred souls and comfort that I have found in this caring community.
#26
Art / Re: Needle and Thread with...
September 15, 2021, 09:36:04 PM
That's gorgeous BeeKeeper!  :cheer:
#27
AV - Avoidance / Re: Treating dissociative amnesia
September 15, 2021, 09:25:13 PM
Kizzie what you said resonates with me too. "Nowadays when I do feel a tightness in my chest or stomach or other body reactions I know it relates to trauma even if I can't figure it out at the exact moment."

I have only a few isolated memories of my childhood - of my whole life really - but I neither have the time nor the inclination to try to remember more of what happened to me. It is actually a relief not to remember, although it occasionally becomes an embarrassment when other people mention things I don't recall or I meet people who know me but I cannot remember them at all.

For me the important thing is that I need to focus on my bodily reactions now, in the moment, and do whatever I can to look after myself to limit my distress now, in the moment.  I actually feel dissociation is a blessing.

When a therapist suggested, a few years ago, that we try EMDR and started to prepare me for it ('think of a safe place' was the first hurdle at which I fell) my reaction was 'this is ridiculous' - exactly what from years of continuous trauma was I supposed to focus on? I told her it was not an appropriate form of therapy for me. My cumulative experience of continuous trauma lies outside the scope of EMDR.
#28
Art / Re: Needle and Thread with...
September 13, 2021, 09:39:46 PM
Beekeeper, that pendant is gorgeous - beautifully done.  :cheer:
#29
Family / Re: Death of an Abusive Parent
September 03, 2021, 09:12:10 PM
Armee, my heart goes out to you for all you are suffering right now, and I admire and respect you for having the inner strength and goodness to care for your mother through to her death with such kindness, despite all the suffering she has brought into your life. I wish you peace and deep healing after all that you have endured.
#30
Depression / Re: Waiting for the fun to start
August 30, 2021, 03:41:31 AM
Hi Papa Coco, I hesitate to respond to your post in case my experience is of no relevance to your situation and I apologise if that's the case. In the grip of depression it is sometimes dauntingly difficult to find meaning in anything.

However, your description of waiting for something miraculous resonates. I remember sitting in the yard behind my family's house, watching the corner of the house and waiting for 'a man from the government' to come and take me away. I was waiting and hoping for a miracle to remove me from my situation and give me to a family that wanted children, where I thought I would be happy.

No one ever came. So slowly I stopped hoping for a miracle and instead focused on the only thing that was in my control as a young child - my education. I recognised quite early that education was the key to my escaping my circumstances. It was my focus on learning that led to my getting into university at a time when few women went on to further education. And upon escaping my marriage, after a period of wishing desperately that someone would rescue me and look after me, I went back to university again and forged a professional life that gave me a sense of purpose and therefore the possibility of happiness. Later in life, when I left my profession, I went back to university again to learn and follow yet another path.

Each time it was a new journey and a focus on learning and a fresh outlook that saved me from succumbing to the depression that has dogged me all my life. So for me, learning something new has been the key to finding purpose and a feeling of pride in achievement and in my ability to take the initiative to solve my predicament, both of which to my mind equate (not to 'fun' by any means) but to a quiet kind of happiness.