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Messages - Regret

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16
This is an absolutely wonderful topic for me. I’ve read through it several times. Each time it opens up new insights into my life as it is today, what I missed out of in the past and together that presents a future that scares the heck out of me.

Reading through also sparks feelings that I’ve never had before, good feelings that encourage me to keep moving forward.

So thank you to all who have contributed to this topic. Your words have helped me greatly.

17
General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: June 19, 2019, 04:49:03 PM »
Had a very interesting dream last night, first one of this type, ever.

The dream had me and my ex in a room and I was trying to figure out something, paying all my attention to a problem and not my ex. My ex said to me, we are both here now and you are giving all your attention to that problem. I got up and held my ex tightly and said "I'm sorry, I love you and would not be able to live my life without you" and I woke up. I felt true love in that dream when I said those words.

I remembered what that dream moment felt like for about an hour after waking. It's the first time in my life that I've had that feeling and having those words flow naturally, honestly and with sincerity. Now, a few hours later, the intense emotion I had in the dream is gone but I still have a deep down but faint feeling of what I felt in that dream.

Hopefully, my mind, in its 6 decade long neuroplastic regeneration, has managed to create a new pathway to that emotion and over time it will grow. In my dream, it really felt good to say those words in a tight embrace and mean it, deeply. Being my NC ex of nearly 30 years now didn't matter. We parted on relatively good terms and the feeling in the dream was more important that the person I was with.

The downside of this dream event is the sadness and regret I now have over not being able to have experienced that feeling at anytime prior to this dream.

18
Sleep Issues / Re: Lack of dreams - what does it mean / impact?
« on: June 01, 2019, 06:25:45 PM »
Johnram

I agree with bluepalm.

In my experience over the past few years, my dreams come and go in spurts. I can have 3 in one night that I remember without writing down and then none for weeks. I can have a dream, wake up, remember it, fall back asleep and have that dream continue or have a totally different dream. And upon getting up, I can remember all 3. And, what seems to be a long dream can occur in a few seconds of sleep - time is not the same.

My dreams are in 3 categories: 1) those I don't remember at all, don't remember dreaming; 2) those that I remember for a few fleeting moments or minutes; and 3) those that I can remember for a long time without writing them down, decades for some of them.

I've felt that the dreams I don't remember at all are those that my mind decides I am not intended to remember. The significant dreams I remember for a long time are pleasant and usually deal with building renovations, change. The ones I barely remember for a few seconds or minutes are disturbing in some way and wish I had not had them. And those I don't remember at all other than having a feeling some time after waking up that I had a dream but nothing about it.

I've tried to write down my dreams but found either I don't dream with the paper and pen next to my bed or what I write down does not make sense days later, the feelings from the dream are gone so the dream in words alone does not make sense.

Had a dream a month ago about my father doing something great. The crowd was cheering and he was happy and waving at the crowd. I was in the crowd watching him and felt good for him. I woke up happy, with a smile on my face, glad for him to have been happy, finally. I haven't dreamed about him since. That may have been my mind putting closure on my feelings toward him. I remember that dream and every detail of the location as if it happened last night.

I've also found that sleeping on my back is the only way I can have dreams, but that may just be me.

I don't try to interpret my dreams, just feel them. Feelings can tie different dreams together and as bluepalm said, dreams are a way to help understand what may be troubling a person. Several dreams over a short period of time with the same feelings are a good indication to me of what is going on in my head, my personal neuroplasty, and what may be changing in my waking life.

I realize this is just me and my dreams. Everyone dreams differently. Posting this hoping it helps a few with their dreaming.

19
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Pastor Tim Fletcher
« on: May 28, 2019, 09:37:52 PM »
Got through the first 4 1/2 now and while I realize this is somewhat like looking at cPTSD from 10,000 feet, his overview really hits home to me in that 80% of what he talks about, I was at one point.

His point about being stuck in development when traumatized makes my dream of talking to myself when I was 3 all the more credible that something happened in my head that night after 60+ years of living with the disorder.

And some of the things he talks about still affect me, some of the residue is still there but his making me aware of it and how to handle it is really helping me move forward. So many of his parental examples I remember well as being the way my "normal" life was during my first 10 to 15 year of life.

I listen to each of his video a few times in that my mind wanders off when one of his examples hits home. Thanks again for that link.

20
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Pastor Tim Fletcher
« on: May 28, 2019, 05:14:59 AM »
Thanks for that link.

I've only gotten through the first two with the second giving me a much deeper understanding of how my life was stolen. The discussions of shame, values, self worth was enlightening. While his first video only included 3 "Fs," not including the 4th Fawn or Please typology, he does spend time in the second video talking about finding ones value in doing for others which leads to being used by others which to me would be the Fawn/Please typology. I've listened to the second video a few times now.

And, yes, the recent discussion on the 4Fs was well summarized by woodsgnome
 
     https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11955.msg87217#msg87217

in that the typologies overlap, can be fluctuating tendencies, while possibly having one more predominant than the others. While listening to Pastor Tim, it made sense to me finding myself in 3 of the 4, having very rarely been a fighter, mostly living in or with the Fawn/Please typology.

Overall, his videos (the first at the link below and 4 more  - total of 5, well maybe 7 on cPTSD and a few other related videos).

     https://youtu.be/6IxEwPMqB-c

offer a different perspective on cPTSD but it's all there. I found his way of looking at childhood trauma and cPTSD very helpful in seeing all that I have experienced from new perspective, something that helped my understanding of what happened to me, when, why and how. Looking forward to watching 3 through 5 this week.

I continue to be very sad each time I realize that the life I lived for the past 60+ years was not mine and regret all I did and didn't do in those years.

21
Mother's/Father's Day / Re: Mother's Day Forgiveness
« on: May 13, 2019, 01:31:36 AM »
Thank  you.

I was sitting in church this morning thinking about my mother and all of the other mothers sitting around me and all that in my first post just came to me.

My father died in 1982 and while he contributed to my disorder, I have had sympathy for him for starting about 5 years after he died for how he was treated by his friends in the last 5 years of his life. I never knew my father either but now I also understand him.

With me being devoid of feelings, forgiving her did not result in emotional feelings but I did feel something being released within my body and it will be interesting to see what tonight's dreams will reveal, if anything, about changes to my psyche.

Peace is a good thing and I hope this is one more step toward that goal.



22
Mother's/Father's Day / Mother's Day Forgiveness
« on: May 12, 2019, 05:44:33 PM »
Today I realized I never knew my mother.

She died 2 years ago at 99 years of age.

Over the past two years I have learned a lot about her life and now understand her.

I know how she raised me and how that turned out.

Today I forgave her.

May she rest in the peace she never knew.

Time for me to move on . . .

23
Thank you for posting this and thanks to everyone who already replied.

I’ve often wondered why I choose to read a topic here, like this one after waking up at 1 am and deciding to read something until I get tired.

I can only give a great big “me to” to everything that has been said. No thought of the future, even the next day, for over 60 years, no memory of the past other than significant traumatic events and not being able to remember anyone’s name a minute after it was told to me.

Plan for the future “they” told me, something easy to say but not possible for me to do, and no interest to do so. Why, since I never expected to live that long anyway. Life in the “moment to moment” lane for over 6 decades really is a life stolen by exposure to daily childhood traumatic events.

Now, thanks to all written above, I know why I can’t do a budget and could never answer, always drew a blank when faced with the one question asked in every job interview I’ve ever had: “Where do you want to be in 5 years?”

I always thought there was something wrong with me but now know what and that I have, unfortunately for a lot of us, company in the world of foreshortened, stolen lives.


24
Depression / Re: A different state of depression, maybe
« on: May 11, 2019, 12:22:57 AM »
Things keep changing for me the more I read posted by others.

That knot in my stomach is the first thing that happens to me when I am triggered by anything and it's near instantaneous so as soon as it appears, I don't have to go back more than a few minutes to find the trigger. I've also noticed that when triggered, my pulse jumps from the high 50s to the low 90s at the same time. I then start feeling physically ill and just want to lay down somewhere quiet and sleep.

Takes anywhere from one to 3 days to recover depending on the intensity of the trigger. Triggers for me can be as simple as reading something that makes me start to worry or a loud sound that startles me, was not expected. These may be flashbacks to events I no longer remember, I don't know since I've only been able to tie one trigger to a terribly emotional relationship I had in my late 30s that lasted about 2 years - I really got taken by a narcissist who played me like a fine violin. From my experience, I can honestly say a Fawn typology getting involved with a full blown narcissist is a road map to emotional and financial ruin.

When triggered, I try to stay grounded in the moment which can help reduce the recovery time but it still takes time.

Worry seems to be my biggest problem and being hyper-vigilant under a worry umbrella never lets me feel safe, be comfortable, enjoy life. My most used two words these days are "what next?" That seems to keep me always on edge, tense, afraid of what may happen next. That along with an unexpected gives me a stomach know, racing heart and a depressed state. And after working my way out of that state, I feel exhausted for a few more days, happy but exhausted (yes, I said happy, a feeling new to me but I now find myself happy when not in a depressive state or between depressive states).

One strange thing I've noticed when resting after being triggered, my usually empty mind (no thoughts after the parental guilt and shame tapes were erased) is filled with songs I've liked but can't get them out of my head which makes getting to sleep very difficult. Once I get most of the way out of a depressed state, the songs disappear and my mind is once again empty, quiet and very nice - no thoughts of anything. I've gone from depressed without the parental guilt/shame tapes to depressed with non-stop music playing in my head, my personal and free jukebox.

So I have two indicators of being triggered, first the physical symptoms and then the non-stop music in my head. The songs? Peaceful Easy Feeling, Take It Easy and Our House. And while I  can't get these out of my head when trying to recover from an event, as I sit here writing this, I can not play any of them in my head. What does that say. It seems the songs are filling my mind with good things to keep the parenting stuff from returning.

But, overall, it's the worry thing that bothers me, that I need to get rid of. It's probably residue from my big 3 recent events (I'd have a hard time writing in less than a book what those 3 events were and what they did to me emotionally). How they tie into my past trauma, I don't know. Recent trauma using old residue in some way to easily make me feel terrible when triggered. With this worry and hyper-vigilance, I can trigger myself by just thinking. Now isn't that just a very sad state to be in?

25
Depression / Re: A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 28, 2019, 09:18:51 PM »
Another strange day for me as I learn and experience simultaneously.

The knot in my stomach that I’ve has for the past few weeks left after my dreams of the past two nights but now I am completely exhausted. Just can’t stay awake during the day, even after sleeping 10-12 hours.

Feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

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Depression / Re: A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 26, 2019, 10:11:53 PM »
For me, sometimes it is like "going home".  It is the most familiar feeling, and when it is missing, it feels strange.

... but depression does "feel like home"... and I feel strange when it subsides a bit.

This is all really something new to me today. I hear you when you say you feel strange when it subsides a bit, and the other side of that coin is when I get triggered and it gets worse, it is a very bad state to be in for however long that deeper depressive state lasts.

Knowing this, looking back at my life comparing to what Sapolski said, really makes me sad, is depressing in itself, and makes my regrets all the more hard to take, it amplifies my regrets.


27
Depression / Re: A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 26, 2019, 04:08:25 PM »
For me, the anger I feel but suppress is the biggest cause of depressive days.

I agree with you and thanks for putting it that way. I'm so new to all this I have a hard time explaining in words what I am going through, choosing the right words and phrases.

It's starting to make sense now, understanding the when and why I developed cPTSD. I suppress all feelings, always have since middle grade school, and anger is the only feeling that I feel these days. Anger, when triggered by something, does seem to result in a period of a deeper depressive state for me.  Looking back, it's been that way my whole life with the only difference being I no longer have the parental tapes to really be hard on myself, to beat my self up during those bad days. Over the years I have had people tell me that I am too hard on myself but never had a clue as to what they were talking about. Sadly and with regret, I do now.

It is a really sad fact to me that I have lived so long under that umbrella of depression thinking that an "average" bad day was "normal" to me and suffering through those triggered really bad days and weeks. But now I know a bit more so I hope it will help recover a bit.

I really can't remember the last day I was happy as an adult, if any, and the few happy days I had as a child that I remember I do so because they all ended with parental emotional abuse of some sort. Right now I have so much in my life that could make me, should make me happy but that is a feeling foreign to me. It really hurts to know that every minute of every day has been stolen from me by events my sister and I experienced when very young.

I have to get off this chair right now and go to the gym to work some of this off. That will take some effort because it's another very bad day for me, but now I know a bit more of why, made worse by my depressive state  being clouded with deep sadness.


28
Depression / Re: A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 26, 2019, 03:24:17 AM »
Just watched the Stanford (Sapolski) video and that has me doing a complete rethink about depression, lifelong depression that I never came out of so as you say, it's been traveling with me my whole life. Being devoid of emotion, almost all of them, starting there, depression for me takes on a whole new perspective, having never come out of it when young and since then only today having bad and not so bad days of depression.

I guess for me, when triggered, what I really feel is the bad day version of depression for a day or so and recover to the not so bad state I've learned to live with, which to me are my "normal" days that, as you say, I've been dragging along with me for decades. Yes, never happy, always dreading at some low level. I hear what you are saying.

Thanks for your insight, it really made more sense to me reading it after seeing that video lecture. What you said will help me watch how I feel when reacting to a trigger. I always thought that knot in my stomach when triggered was anger, maybe it's just a bad day.

This is all so new to me and while very helpful, it's also so sad to me to learn about it, to find out what went wrong, after so much time of living with it.


Here is the video link from another topic:

https://youtu.be/NOAgplgTxfc

29
Depression / A different state of depression, maybe
« on: April 25, 2019, 11:54:13 PM »
First, I'll admit I haven't read everything on the forum about depression (and there is a lot to read) and have yet to watch the Stanford video but I noticed something different about my depression today and wanted to know if anyone else has experience the same thing.

I've known depression for 30 years, maybe 40, and the period of deepest depression for me, times I remember well, were in the 80s. Over the past 10 to 15 years, I been depressed at times but it was never as bad, as deep as the 80s but it still ended up putting me in a very bad state of mind.

Since the parental tapes left my head a few months ago, those tapes that I used to guilt and shame myself all the time, a lot has changed so much in my life is new to me. Today I felt exhausted, just wanted to sleep, had no energy or desire to do anything. After a few hours, I realized I was depressed but without the guilt or shame tapes to make me feel worse, the depression was nothing more than what seemed to be a need to take the day off, sleep and rest. I wasn't bashing myself with guilt and shame so the depression didn't put me in a very bad state of mind. I spent most of the day doing nothing, just sleeping and resting, and now I feel much better.

Am I mistaken as to what I think has happened? Or, has this been experienced by anyone else? Having discovered my cPTSD about 2 years ago, everything since then has been from a different perspective so I don't know if it is possible for depression to present itself this way.

30
Eating Issues / Re: Malnourishment/starvation
« on: April 11, 2019, 07:32:38 PM »
I also have a recurring problem with being underweight. -- The problem is during really rough periods, and when I'm triggered, I can not eat. It's like my stomach shuts down. If I eat, it will come back up. The anxiety and mental crap I go through apparently burns a ton of calories as well, since I can drop pounds overnight from worry during bad spells.

Interesting in that I'm the opposite. My "pleasure" response to "pain" is to eat and eat and eat and gain weight not wanted or needed. My lack of will power to stay out of the kitchen when anxiety hits me contributes. I don't ever get hungry but always feel the need to eat comfort/junk foods all of the time when triggered or in a bad period.


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