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Topics - johnram

#1
I have been struggling with my healing journey, and i get angered it takes as long as it does. 
What has been helping it is some plant medicines, as much as they scare me also. 

That said, they have opened up this realm of disassociation and trauma that my EMDR never got near and EMDR did help but not this core stuff. 

It all relates to my mother and her schizophrenia and how as an infant / baby i was terrified of her but yet i needed her (my dad wasnt around much / the family she married into did not know she was becoming schizophrenic post my birth - it was initially just post natal depression).  I have also experienced how she needed me as an older child, to fit into this new family (she had moved countries for marriage).  I have also come into experiencing that when i was that infant i had to shut down heavily, it was terrifying - without specifics. 

Anyway, this morning, i was half asleep and half awake in bed, and i had a flash that she may have tried to kill me as an infant, or at least thats what it felt like, reflecting how scared i was of her as she was going schizophrenic.

I dont know what to do with this, as its not something i can confirm, it feels that it could have truth to it, and would add to the complexity of my trauma that is only now being revealed.  Its just when its so early, i am at a loss as to how to heal that baby. 

Sorry i started this with a question but i started crying midway, and so i have lost that.  But i am now just sharing.

thank you for reading.
 

#2
Music / Songs that connect us to our feelings / trauma
November 17, 2021, 07:39:26 AM
Hi all,

I have a lot of songs that connect me to my trauma, as a means of helping me get into processing.  Some bring up sadness, some bring up anger, some bring up loneliness - but i see it as processing as i am blocked off.

Here are some of mine:

- i will survive by gloria gaynor
- Nothing else matters (metallica)
- Concrete Angle (Martina McBride)
- It shouldnt hurt to be a child (very triggering) - unsure of writter
- I dont care by Apocalyptica

keen to see what others have also?
thanks

#3
I am wary of generalising, but i sometimes think that a lot of mental health issues (outside of cPTSD), likely have a childhood basis, especially those with say depression or addiction, but dont know the why.

I say that partly given my bad experiences in therapy, where the therapist wouldnt go near my mothers schizophrenia and its impact on me as an infant and child being left alone with her.  In the same way, i think there is a lot of therapists are treating symptoms that are actually rooted in childhood?

i am aware some things are purely biological - i am putting that to one side

its a discussion, i am biased as i have cPTSD, but seeing what others think?
#4
As i have been working through my layers, i have come to this sense that most people with cPTSD (i used to attend an in-person group also), are deep down quite big hearted but scared. 

Where as normal people learn or are taught to guard with boundaries, we still have the kids heart in a pure fashion as it wasnt met.  It wasnt moulded, it was closed. 

Maybe i am not making sense, but i just have a sense of bigger love, childlike love, that might not be the world we live in, but it has a beauty that is lacking

i say all this, and i also will say my ability to share it is hard, i am so guarded and protective of my heart and the risk of being hurt....

anyway i am rambling, but seeing if it lands
#5
Family / Future funerals - anger and attendance
November 15, 2021, 05:48:04 PM
As i often do, i ruminate and get lost sometimes in my anger. 

Sometimes it takes me to visuals of my families funerals to come and me not attending, or if i do, i make a scene to state the truths about my family, in particular my father

I am estranged, so thats part of this also. 

curious if others can relate??
#6
General Discussion / My trauma - my own guilty actions
November 07, 2021, 04:23:43 PM
Hi all,

As a result of my trauma's and complex abuse and childhood, i have done some things i am not proud of you (I am intentionally being vague).
 
These things have been needed to survive (nothing criminal) but they are not things i am proud of as it has caused others hurt and if some other things came out, it would also hurt others. 

Recently as i work through my own trauma, i have this over abundance of guilt, i cant yet see these things as reactions to my trauma and how i was raised, as i am still blocked from a lot of the pain i suffered, and its hard for me to work through the shame associated.

I worry that after suffering so long, that my past continues to eat me up, cause me more and more suffering, just to live. 

Keen to see if others relate / have done self work to help soften these things in themselves and any tips?
thanks

#7
Hi all,

As part of my recovery i have discovered via EMDR and other things, that one of my biggest trauma, likely my biggest was in infancy.  My mother was post natal when i was born, and that quickly developed into schizphrenia (and i had to be there - not loved, not cared for, and abandoned as she got worse and worse).  My dad was not around much / he isnt a father anyway. 

I share this, as its very difficult to capture such early trauma, to really feel it, although i am trying. 

Wondering if others have had infancy trauma that they recall and have resolved / or i mean worked through and have any comments / advice??

thanks
#8
I have spent so much time in therapy focusing on the specific traumas i went through, but underneath it all, and i have a hatred of therapists for this reason, we never spoke of the neglect, the day to day abandonment, the day to day, pain and hurt and relegation of needs

its so frustrating to unpeel the layers and just find more and more hurt and terrible people beyond just my parents
sorry i am ranting

but its so hard and painful
#9
Hi all,

I havent posted properly in 2 years or so, but i have been active on a healing journey, changing work to suit that also.

I spent some time today going through old notes (10 years old), and also been thinking recently that within me there is some need to either want my family to rescue me, to be better, to try.

Its this hope, but then there is also this anger, at them, for all thats happened, the neglect, the traumas, the abuse.

But for some reason i want them to acknowledge it - not sure what this is, but i feel deeply it blocks me.

I think its all a mask for the deep hurt and sadness......i think...but keen to hear any experiences similar and how you get over / through it?

thanks
#10
Hi all,

i am keen to take views why i struggle with letting go fully of my family, they have neglected and abused me etc.....but for some reason, i have this hope for them accepting their wrong and i dont know, returning to some fold and the denial system,

i spend far too much time thinking about them and not my healing - a lot of the thiunking is anger, but its still the hurt underneath

i havent spoken to my father or mother in many many years, but we have a wider family system that is in denial - and i guess i hoped they would help....its fake,....

anyway, i am rambling, hoping this makes sense to another and you can help

thanks
#11
Hi all

i am having a tough time navigating my guilt and shame around things i have done as a result of my trauma, e.g. my addiction to porn, or the way i have treated others. 

Some are bigger and more troublesome, and its just this feeling that i needed these things to survive, mask me from the pain but they have caused damage in my relationships, particularly with my wife, and not sure how to get over those feelings.

Its like i cant ever allow myself to be loved, or be attached, and then i have this part that needs to be clean and clear as i heal but it cant.....and i enter this vicious mental cycle

hope that makes sense, keen to take views

thanks
 
#12
Therapy / Too much EMDR - brain fog??
April 17, 2020, 06:08:46 AM
hi all,

i want to understand from others how EMDR may impact you negatively.
I think its helped me a lot but concerned its now a barrier to my recovery given it keeps the brain churning memories and "processing"

what are peoples thoughts and experiences?
thanks
#13

I am trying to understand my risk of developing schizophrenia/psychosis, given my mother had it. I have had a lot of trauma, hence the ask.

So for context, my mother had post natal after i was born, but that later became schizophrenia. It has stayed with her since (over 30 years) and has mostly used Depixol to treat it.

Now, we had a traumatic childhood and more trauma beyond, and have gotten through all that. I am now 37 and given the following factors i dont think i have a risk but just want to check and understand:

- my mothers family doesnt have schizophrenia, it appears very situational (bad arranged marriage, first time leaving her home country)
- my father doesnt and neither does any of his family
- my brothers and i have had a traumatic upbringing and that hasnt posed a risk
- i have done lsd twice, and didnt impact me, also did some weed, my brother did some other drugs and was fine
- Have gone through depression and addictions myself and come out ok
- my age is much older than when a man should get it (i am 37 and i believe nearing the drop off for no risk?)
- I dont have any symptoms etc
- her circumstances were specific

hope that sets a scene, and appreciate any guidance. as i have had my own mental health journey, this is just one thing i want to understand given i feel i have moved forward a lot.

thank you kindly
#14
I have sat infront of many a therapist, they dont get it, or they do to some degree, but rarely do they get the depth and nuances.  Its why i find these forums exceptional, people understand, they may have a different approach (always useful) but its welcome.

In this world, with all the bad that goes on, and even though my parents used me and in some ways made me "a giver", having now understand more and more what happened to me, and why i have cPTSD symptoms and associated problems, i feel i want to help in the future as a therapist. 

Keen to take views and thoughts to that question?

Additionally though, i keep reading and have been told qualified therapists dont earn much, now as an aside, that isnt my motivation but it does matter, and i am really confused as i see therapists charging fair money in my opinion, and appreciate they may not see more than say 25-30 clients a week, but suprised they dont earn sufficiently (someone else said this again recently to me)

anyway, i am rambling, but just wanted some thoughts

thank you
#15
Wondererd if anyone has tried or uses TRE - Trauma releasing exercises, and how they found it?

i tried it once in a class, and wasnt sure what to make of it, but thinking of trying again, but having these forums makes me feel less like a one man bad on a mission to fix myself, so thought i would ask

thanks

#16
Hi all,

I am a little confused, i have been reading Pete Walkers CPTSD book and i feel i have displayed all 4 4F responses in differing shapes on the negative end of the continium. When i read such things, they often throw me and i feel a bit muddled and regressed that i have a lot to fix then, but wanted to post to get a sense of others experiences of these matters and working through their trauma responses??

thanks
#17
Hi all,

i struggle with meditation, but have come across the wim hof method (loads of youtube videos and he has been in news more lately). 

I find the breating similar to meditation and it does lift my mood, if i can get myself to do it.  The cold showers part is harder, but once i am in the rythym i can keep it up more regularly

i post to ask others views, experiences (both positive and negative) of Wim and the approaches and supposed benefits

thanks
#18
So i am going to share something that is very shameful and hard for me to comprehend, so please bear with me as i know different people will have different reactions: 

my tortured upbringing resulted in my dad turning against my mother in a big way, but also from the age of 7 turning me against her (telling me stories about how she was crazy and had attacked me [she did have issues and was in and out of psych ward ]). 
When my brothers were born (i was age 9), this anger subsided a bit but did continue.  My mother was forced to run away from home with my brothers at my age 12 due to my dad and me forcing her through our neglect, leaving me solo without the new companionship of my siblings whom i adored. 

When she returned, after 6 months away, i did not want her back but it was what the wider family said was best.  Slowly, my dad encouraged my anger and i started to verbally then sometimes physically attack my mother.  She eventually left the family home solo. 

As an adult, i now know it was my dad manipulating me as he has done with others, and as hurtful as it was for me for my mother to have left, and we have both forgiven one another as she sees me as a victim as do i see her the same, i still have this confusion over my actions, and cant fully shake of the shame and guilt - writing this is helping but i want to put it out there.   

not sure what i am intending to get out of posting this, but i felt the need to express this.
#19
Hi,

Firstly, appreciate the topic of psychedelics brings up varying opinions and has legal issues (I do not want to get into that side of matters).  I am just wanting to find out if people have used these for their treatment and what their experiences have been?

I have seen various videos, and read testimonials from people who have suffered addiction, depression, trauma and other assortment of mental health issues and they have found psychedelics and in particular Ayahuasca.

thank you

#20
hi,
I have been viewing some videos by the Spartan Life Coach on youtube, and i am often wary of self help types trying to sell stuff, but he seems genuine, has done his homework, and seems to have gone through some of the things he teaches

i was keen to know others experiences of him, and in particular if they had used his courses as i am feeling close to doing so

thanks

PS - there was this old discussion, but i wanted to ask again - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2001.0