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that is really interesting, its kind of the whole "fake it, till you make it" process, but through acting, i understand it somewhat now - thank you for taking the time / effort to explain

its interesting also how you havent returned to it, as i do think with my current decision making, changing careers may be about shaking off an old costume i wore, a mask i needed to get through the worst parts of my depression, addiction and the associated shame and needs to fit in ....

Still not landed, just trying to heal and move forward...its scary though

However, i do feel i can overcome but i know the negative ways i have lived are still always there.....this hope keeps driving me,....but its hard and tiring....anyway

As i come to learn more and more about my ways of behaving and how that in turn attracted certain people into my life, i have come to appreciate how i have no real friends.

Most of the friends i have, and there are very few now, i dont see often given distance.

However, i have one who is local, but he is very selfish, lazy and wont accept any fault at all.  This isnt my words, its those of others, that i now realise as true.

Problem is, given i dont have any local friends bar him, i am keeping the relationship alive, but with the view in the future that will change. 

What are others thoughts on this? 

thanks

Thank you, i find that perspective quite interesting, and find it interesting you got involved in the arts

I say that as i have often thought how hard being an actor would be for someone like me who was not in touch with his feelings, i guess we all grow up differently

if you mind me asking, in what way was it therapy?  and what do you do now?

I am happy for you that you found a passion, to be honest a bit jealous, i think thats what i am also seeking

I really like your response

and its soemthing i come to often

there are enough people out there being selfish and enough people who dont care for others, that for whatever reason its in me, i should go with it

and you are right, the courses make you learn how to split out issues to do with you versus your client, and how to deal with it when that doesnt work

something will change, but i need to fix myself a bit more .... recognising the tag of cPTSD really helps,. as for years i treated addiction, depression, apathy etc as singular problems, but the cPTSD makes it clearer

anyway, off topic
i appreciate your comments, i like the challenge

Just bought both of Peters books, how did you find them?

i have been doing EMDR for a few months and that has been up and down but think its working, but the processing takes time in the background

i can relate re your issues - i dont have shutdowns, i just have avoidance, likely same thing, but i zone out in front of the TV for many many hours, or porn (but that i am working on), or food addictions also....binge eating....its hard, its gotten better but still hard,

best thing for me is exercise, feel i really respond to it, but when i am in the thick of a spiral, its bloody hard to get going, even some walking

however its all improving, not at my pace, but at the pace it needs

i watched this video recently - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo&t=1s

really helped put things also into perspective

thanks for the links

agree re not rushing, as hard as i find that, i want things to be better .... i believe they can be

i sense you are in a similar place, understanding and some acceptance but with some drive....

really appreciate the back and forth, its good getting your perspective

i find being on these forums is a way for me to accept my trauma, and the magnitude, but on top just seeing others also battling, makes it easier but also gives me a sense of sadness that these things happen in such volume.....

however, feeling hope through these forums how we can share, and the future of neuroscience etc,

thanks Sab, that makes sense, although i havent heard of a "limestone mountain" before, i googled it but i couldnt find it in terms of a metaphor etc?

I managed to be quite split away from my trauma till my late 20s, i had buried it deep and kept plowing ahead but had a lot of anger and a lot of addictions.  Then an event happened, and it sank me....and slowly since, i have been finding a way out of it...

however, like you, i have been treating depression, treating addiction, treating symptoms of specific things, and the learning of cPTSD has been the best discovery, its something i can relate to and it makes so mcuh sense, like when a pigeon suddenly flies and i have a flight/fight response, or how much i have been shutting out my emotional landscape

its hence my original question, now realising its cPTSD, is so welcome, and wish i had it earlier - only through my most recent therapists has it been acknowledged that i had developmental and multiple traumatic instances upto only 3/4 years back

its been quite motivating though, as i was slowly tiring of the facade ... and tiring of the battle ... but this context helps
really wish i had known it earlier though but its ok
glad you have also found out this diagnosis and can relate

how are you managing things now? what is helping?

Thank you Sab, i do appreciate you sharing as it helps me put my own experience into different lenses. 

I sense most people on these forums will have had experiences more similar to yours, and i would say given cPTSD leaves many people unable to work, i think being able to do 40 hour weeks, when the normal population does that, is admirable

i think for me, the only thing i was ever able to do, was school, and work - it was always through a fear perspective though.....installed by my family.......otherwise i was depressed or addicted...i couldnt be assertive though at work, which meant i hit a ceiling and ended up more stressed...as i tried to do more myself....

if you mind me asking, do you feel you have gotten over your cPSTD or well on your way? 

Sorry to hear it hit you hard

but glad you appreciate that learning is useful in recovering

(the book - body knows the score - is brilliant)

Hi,



Wasnt sure where to post this, but given i havent done a proper introduction, thought i may add it here.



I am very confused.....my parents used me in many ways, and made me fulfil their needs.  I worry about repeating that past via getting into a helping profession (therapist, charitable work), which is what allures me, but it may be because i have never and still dont know how to recognise what i want out of life, as i also became the caretaker for my siblings for many years - i.e. caretaking is all i know...perhaps



however, my grandparents were also involved in helping professions, and i saw good in that, and was around people who did good for humanity growing up, and having spent my working life so far in more traditional career, i have found it unsatisfying. 



I may have just done too much self help reading / therapy, and have stopped myself from pursuing something i may really love, or it could be my history



i find it hard to split this all up now, and know what is me and my desires



any thoughts would be appreciated



thank you

good luck, and keep posting

I am currently 15-20 sessions into EMDR, if you want to share notes

Someone recently said this / words to this affect:

"I denied my problems for my entire career, "successful but miserable", wishing had faced them sooner. 

Everybody different, If I got a redo, I would put myself first and seek healing as my #1 life goal, regardless of the cost in the "normal" world. "

i have been working full time (50/60 hour weeks) for a few years now, and my "healing" has been a slow side project, and i am frustrated with that.  i am now going through exactly this type of dilemna, I took a few months break for my EMDR (lots of ups and downs) and some other work, and it was the right thing to do as i was in a toxic environment and stressful.  However i feel i should return to a job search, out of guilt and not being out of work for too long (i have been out for 3/4 months), but feel the need to focus on me somewhat more?

I have a reputable/professional career, but i dont personally care for it, and also ultimately want to change but that will take time too

My questions:

- do others regret putting work first and not focusing on their issues enough or in enough time
- any stories or experiences that are relatable?
- other thoughts on the quote above

thank you kindly

Thank you, have listened to her before, but i was after something more specific to cPTSD

This might seem trite or even cliche, but in fact the singular message of everyone who's shared by writing or reading here is -- they (we) survived.

Sometimes it seems as if we've made great strides, none, just some baby steps, or that it seems so painstakingly slow; survival in whatever way it took place still has created that solid starting point which no one can ever take away. It's an easily overlooked achievement to hold to when all seems futile. From there all else proceeds at differing paces for each unique person.

thank you for that, and its true
its somethign i used to consider, that in many ways, i shouldnt be alive or be able to fix this stuff, that in of itself is something to be grateful for
of course i wish i didnt have to, but it gives me some drive where i dont find it in other matters. 
my wife says i am brave for facing these issues, but to be honest, i dont think i have a choice, and glad i feel that way, as i dont want to live my past again and its consequences

rambling, so will stop

sorry to hear that

but glad its a common feeling, i like relating in these stories, however odd that sounds

how are you getting on these days?

I felt very similar,  and after a therapist who i felt wasnt very good, but i didnt know better ... she specifically told me, "addictions are like closing a box" - very unhelpful

i think, there are a lot of therapists who try and fix complex things that they arent trained for....

however, feeling at a lost end, and having now started EMDR, i have a bit more faith in trauma focused therapists