Messages

@Papa Coco

if you mind, how do you untangle the impact of your trauma from your test results and understand what is you and what is a trauma response, you seem to be quite a fan of the enneagram - does it let you see / feel that distinction?

thanks

Armee:

Awesome. I think 9s, 6s and 3s are the spiritual ones. By spiritual I mean we know that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. Since that's what we know, that's how we behave. Like we're connected. So naturally, we want to do unto others as we want them to do unto us. 

I love knowing I'm connected to you all.

I am wary of generalising, but i sometimes think that a lot of mental health issues (outside of cPTSD), likely have a childhood basis, especially those with say depression or addiction, but dont know the why.

I say that partly given my bad experiences in therapy, where the therapist wouldnt go near my mothers schizophrenia and its impact on me as an infant and child being left alone with her.  In the same way, i think there is a lot of therapists are treating symptoms that are actually rooted in childhood?

i am aware some things are purely biological - i am putting that to one side

its a discussion, i am biased as i have cPTSD, but seeing what others think?

Thanks for sharing, sorry you feel that way but glad i am not the only one who has this issue with these tests

Johnram I feel the same way I have no idea how to know what is me and what is trauma response. I do think of myself as caring and kind almost to a fault but that's a trauma response. Who am I really? I don't know yet.

I appreciate that - thank you,

think i need to go through this process with FOO.  There is a child part in me that still hopes for a nice family, and i think he blocks me feeling some pain and neglect.  I am working through it though.

I used to ruminate on future funerals and whether I could or should contain my anger.

Stopped for various reasons e.g. nobody at any family funerals is likely to understand anyway, might do be more emotional harm than any of them, boundary setting and VVVVVLC including in my mind is more important for me and my peace of mind than any thoughts, energy etc. expounded on FOO. Took me a long time to get there though. I think it's a process rather than saying one day "I'll stop now."

thanks Papa Coco...

i did the test, as i was curious (i did it years gone by but had lost my result).  I got a 3 then an 8 and 6 (Equally) .  The 3 was true, but as my layers have peeled its less so as i am focused on healing as a goal - i think of myself as a traumatised alpha.  My core self is likely a 3, the 6 feels more my trauma responses, which are very present last so many years.  and the 8 has steered me through difficult issues (its my fight element - that still lives in there).  Its funny as my mix is currently blocking me. 

the 6 is opening up more and more though, so who knows where i will land at the end of this.  I find these tests a bit suspect with my cPTSD, as responses are sometimes not my personality but a trauma response, or defense, rather than the core self.  I find it hard to untangle all that, although i am trying - if that makes sense.  Had the same issue with the Myers Briggs stuff, i come out as INTP, but others would find me INFP and i think i could be extroverted also (maybe an ambivert), confusing i know. 

thanks for sharing....

the big hearted part i think has been covered by the trauma response....and feeling for others, has been developing more.  i have a strong care element for others, and very loyal, but i think as i have been shut down to my own feelings and needs, i am less aware of others for the same

again - thats reshaping i think again

hope that ramble makes some sense

I agree with much of what  you're saying. I think its why I like this forum so much. There are so many beautiful, caring people on it. We've learned through the CPTSD books that many of us are reading that childhood trauma drives us into the four survival types. I've noticed too, that the CPTSD survivors who seek help are Fawn-Types first. I'm a Fawn, then Freeze, Then Flight, then Fight type.  I would bet that nearly everyone on this forum is a Fawn type first, followed by the other three in various orders. I personally believe that there are millions of CPTSD survivors who are not Fawn Types, but who are Fight types. They're out there, but you and I aren't meeting them in groups because they don't seek healing.  We fawn types seek healing.

My therapist recently turned me on to the Enneagrams, where I learned that I'm a Type 6 person. (Free Enneagram tests can be taken by googling for the free tests. I have little doubt you'll be a 6 also). If you want to really read about yourself (and most of us on this forum) do some internet searches on Enneagrams, specifically the type 6. If you want to do deeper research, I can recommend the book: The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Matri.

6s are people who truly care about others, and who tend to be the closest of the 9 types to spiritual awareness. We're the most emotionally intelligent. We seek help. We give help. We value life more than money or status. We're also the most tortured because we can see the pain in others. (We're the opposite of "Ignorance is Bliss")  The book gives great advice for how we can begin to get over the pains of our past.

Just a thought.

I hope you're having a good day,

thank you, yes i have been putting it out of the head
or trying at least

I appreciate you raising this issue, i sometimes get off put by long posts, and then dont engage here for that reason

As i have been working through my layers, i have come to this sense that most people with cPTSD (i used to attend an in-person group also), are deep down quite big hearted but scared. 

Where as normal people learn or are taught to guard with boundaries, we still have the kids heart in a pure fashion as it wasnt met.  It wasnt moulded, it was closed. 

Maybe i am not making sense, but i just have a sense of bigger love, childlike love, that might not be the world we live in, but it has a beauty that is lacking

i say all this, and i also will say my ability to share it is hard, i am so guarded and protective of my heart and the risk of being hurt....

anyway i am rambling, but seeing if it lands

Hi Marti.325

i havent read the books by Arielle, but do follow her on youtube and her videos are good, just thought i would share

Thank you for your kind response, RainyDiary.
I've had one or two good days.
Still sad and lots of fatigue. Frustrating, but I'm navigating.
Staying cozy and warm today.

As i often do, i ruminate and get lost sometimes in my anger. 

Sometimes it takes me to visuals of my families funerals to come and me not attending, or if i do, i make a scene to state the truths about my family, in particular my father

I am estranged, so thats part of this also. 

curious if others can relate??

thank you Blueberry, i appreciate what you said below. 

i have a strong anger with "forgive and forget" type statements.  As i peel layers and see others actions or often inactions, i see again and again the failing of my family, outside of the outright damage and trauma, but that ongoing abandonment and neglect....anyway will pause there before a ramble

I hoped for acknowledgement from FOO for years and if I'm being honest from others too like those now in the course of becoming ex-friends. I really believe I can only heal when I allow myself to set and respect my own boundaries, which means not swallowing what people would have me believe e.g. it wasn't that bad. It was though, it was terrible abuse. Just look at the repercussions! They're on my Journal.

I also want to go slightly off-topic and respond to worries of over-long posts. But my post got rather long so I've posted it here instead: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14607.0

i think thats quite something, to appreciate the work you have done - i get glimmers of that too
well done!!

I am also currently in a place where I feel I've made growth but am also stuck again.  I am working to appreciate that this process doesn't really have an "end" rather a general trend toward things feeling good or easeful across more areas. 

I appreciate all the work we are all doing and that we have one another for support.

thank you for sharing.  I really appreciate that. 

Really sorry to hear what you have gone through, bu i also feel that you have some strong will and energy to come through that - i can relate (generally and specifically - i discovered my brothers attempts at the below when he was 15) but dont appreciate that part of me yet (bit by bit its happening)

I am somewhat on a mission thats similar, my focus is my cptsd and addiction (I have culled a few before but this one is the hardest).  I have changed jobs and decided this is my focus.  I have been doing a lot of self IFS work, and with some "medicines" with help.

Things have been shifting with that focus, and its as you said, learning in essense self love, self compassion and reducing the blame and guilt, and feeling into the trauma.

a big thing for me, if i may, has been seeing the neglect is more damaging than specific trauma events, there is the single events that are painful, but the day to day abandonment is really hard

anyway, i feel encouraged by your post, as i am also putting my healing as priority number 1.  It hasnt been as life and others healings and recoveries have been in the way (sure you can relate focusing on others instead of self). 

thank you and thank you 


 

thank you, the below really helps.
if i may, how did you navigate those 2 years?

I'm still working on putting this into practice but what matters is being able to be kind to myself so I can be present and close to those who need me. Getting mad at myself for not being present isn't going to make me more present, it'll make me less present.

Thank you for the below.  I am reading Pete's "Tao of fully feeling", and i have been thinking that i feel guilty and shame way more than others / normals, and its my fear of acceptance that is screwed.  i think this is also something i am going to have to work through. 

that self love is key.

Well done for sharing and reminding me

I am still muddling my way through this.  Although this may seem like a contradiction, something that seems to be helping is to work on listening to and loving myself first.   

I am re-reading the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and I found it helpful in chapter 2 that he lists out things we may not have developed as a result of trauma: self-acceptance, clear sense of identity, self-compassion, self-protection, capacity to draw comfort from relationship, ability to relax, capacity for self-expression, willpower & motivation, peace of mind, self-care, self-esteem, self-confidence.