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Hi all,

As a result of my trauma's and complex abuse and childhood, i have done some things i am not proud of you (I am intentionally being vague).
 
These things have been needed to survive (nothing criminal) but they are not things i am proud of as it has caused others hurt and if some other things came out, it would also hurt others. 

Recently as i work through my own trauma, i have this over abundance of guilt, i cant yet see these things as reactions to my trauma and how i was raised, as i am still blocked from a lot of the pain i suffered, and its hard for me to work through the shame associated.

I worry that after suffering so long, that my past continues to eat me up, cause me more and more suffering, just to live. 

Keen to see if others relate / have done self work to help soften these things in themselves and any tips?
thanks

Hi Papa Coco

thank you for that long response, i appreciate the time and effort. 

I am heading off for a few days, and so havent had a chance to reply.  Hopefully early next week on return.

Just wanted to say this incase you felt i had ignored it

Thank you Kizzie
i have added it to my book list - it looks like i bought it before, but i dont recall (that happens often with me - too many unread books)

If i may recommend also - i read something similar by Dr Bruce Perry - called "what happened to you".
Note it has Oprah in dialogue with Bruce but its very good re trauma, and has some great stories

I live by the rule that the unexamined past is doomed to repeat itself until we stop and face it.

My family started the trend of neglect, and I've kept it going. I've felt betrayed and neglected many times since. Like I keep repeating the same relationship so I could keep feeling betrayed and ignored over and over.

But not anymore. In 2010 I finally accepted that my family was physically incapable of love. When I faced the fact that they could never give me what I needed, I broke the spell. Now I have great relationships that don't feel lonely or end in betrayal. The past has stopped repeating itself. I no longer feel invisible. I feel like I'm Pinocchio, I'm finally a real boy! (lol).

.............
It's good medicine for us to accept that the family we wanted was not what we got. The more I learn about other people's families being as bad as mine, the more I can accept the past for what it really was. Now I can be free from the pain and loneliness they caused me.

If you have more you want to share, I'm interested in hearing it.

I feel you here.  its that trend you speak of.  Its so damaging.  Its the programming. 

Agree on the unexamined past, i sometimes dont want to, as i keep unravelling, but its helping me, and from it...and thats been the hardest thing, developing some form of self love and compassion

Hi Papa Coco

I hear you.  my situation is different (Schizophrenic mother and a few big T trauma events) but the neglect or general abandonment and lack of consideration of my needs has been the hardest thing so far to unravel, and i am still doubting myself, "maybe it wasnt so bad".....its the bloody bad programming.

I am trying to feel into those experiences that i do remember, and all i see is neglect....
- my dad picks me up at school occasionally, and i think others think we are spending time, but he takes me to an adult pool hall to watch him and his best friend play for 2 hours (i was between 7 and 11)
- my father never taught me anything, simple things like riding a bike
- when bad things happened, no one ever asked me how i was, so i never learnt to have needs or could express negative feelings - it was all about my dads narcissism or mum's schizophrenia, or their arguments with each other

its weird, this stuff, the day to day, it cuts harder.  i have so much anger currently but i think it needs unravelling

If i may, what are you doing to work through this stuff? 

Revisiting my old post
needed to be reminded of this just now

Hi Geopolis

I have done a lot of parts work with EMDR, and what you are doing is exactly right

in time the 14 year old and other parts will see how you are caring for other parts and loosen the guard

its hard, and they have done a wonderful job in keeping you safe (i realised i was talking about my parts as i typed this and started to cry)

keep giving them space, give them love, little words of encouragement, it will come - they want to share but its hard

hope that makes sense

much love to you on your journey or the strength and courage it takes

Hi all,

As part of my recovery i have discovered via EMDR and other things, that one of my biggest trauma, likely my biggest was in infancy.  My mother was post natal when i was born, and that quickly developed into schizphrenia (and i had to be there - not loved, not cared for, and abandoned as she got worse and worse).  My dad was not around much / he isnt a father anyway. 

I share this, as its very difficult to capture such early trauma, to really feel it, although i am trying. 

Wondering if others have had infancy trauma that they recall and have resolved / or i mean worked through and have any comments / advice??

thanks

I felt this deeply
due to covid i often dont leave the house, given i Work from home
i shower much less, dont brush my teeth and have thrown much hygiene out the window
however, i let it be, as i have enough trauma to get through, and these things were never normalised for me, no one cared
i know i should, but the stack is hard enough

love to all of you struggling, and screw our parents for not caring for us to teach us these basics

@Rainydiary - thank you for sharing.  that also helps me feel less solo here too

Thank you @papa coco.  I agree with that.  I am actually working with someone who gets it.  I have spent a lot of time with an EMDR therapist, and she is good but truth be told we were also shooting in the dark.  So many therapists claim to cover trauma and childhood cptsd, but its not the case. 

this chat often motivates me to become a therapist (i have thought of this before), that felt sense, the real "getting it", i need to get over more of my own stuff, but its needed.  True therapists who can say, it took me 5-10- years but i did the work, and not, as you say just read it in some book

The memories recently coming up, have been provoking such anger around abandonment, and neglect, not specific events, but the broad, and i have never spoken about that with past therapists, i suspect they were scared - however terrible that sounds

much love to you, and your journey

Thank you for that, that really helps, and i think dropping away that need / desire of being seen ...... is already where i am heading

need to feel more under the anger to feel the sadness and stop blocking it with this false hope

Might be a bit late to party, but i have done pre-verbal EMDR, its hard, but what i have learnt is that trauma from that time age, is very deep and needs slow and gentle over time

it sounds like you are doing great

I have spent so much time in therapy focusing on the specific traumas i went through, but underneath it all, and i have a hatred of therapists for this reason, we never spoke of the neglect, the day to day abandonment, the day to day, pain and hurt and relegation of needs

its so frustrating to unpeel the layers and just find more and more hurt and terrible people beyond just my parents
sorry i am ranting

but its so hard and painful

Hi all,

I havent posted properly in 2 years or so, but i have been active on a healing journey, changing work to suit that also.

I spent some time today going through old notes (10 years old), and also been thinking recently that within me there is some need to either want my family to rescue me, to be better, to try.

Its this hope, but then there is also this anger, at them, for all thats happened, the neglect, the traumas, the abuse.

But for some reason i want them to acknowledge it - not sure what this is, but i feel deeply it blocks me.

I think its all a mask for the deep hurt and sadness......i think...but keen to hear any experiences similar and how you get over / through it?

thanks