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Topics - Ecowarrior888

#1
Art / Prisoner of mind and heart....
May 23, 2020, 07:30:26 PM
Fighting...
#2
Art / Trapped....
May 22, 2020, 11:21:50 PM
his voice is louder and its dark....
#4
I am tired. I am tired all the time. It is constant warfare in my head. Constantly trying to convince myself that I am not at my dad's house anymore. That my husband is loving, caring and considerate. Our home is safe. Lately though my mind is just reeling. It never stops going in circles. I can't stand being home alone not because I don't want to be. I want to be home but my mind starts getting disoriented and thinking I am in the past again. I work so hard to feel better and to be better. I have therapy once a week, I take my meds every day, I use all my coping mechanisms: yoga, painting, singing, playing guitar or uke, playing video games, watching comedies, going on adventures like Kayaking or birdwatching and swimming. Swimming is the best one for me; it is like it almost resets my brain but lately it isn't as effective as it used to be... it helps for a few hours and then I just plummet again.... And now.... it is almost October. The holiday season is starting and I think my symptoms are just getting started....again.

Does anyone else feel like this?
#5
Art / How I am feeling on the inside...
August 17, 2019, 12:15:50 PM
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/14440.html

Not finished yet. There is more to this piece but for how it looks like now... It actually emphasizes how I feel right now.

No glasses...I feel like I can't see clearly and everything is fuzzy.
Disheveled...Tired and beat up from all the abuse, the bullying, the harassment...
The books...To distract myself, to feel better, to document.....

Trying to figure out how to cope at work right now. So triggering :(
#6
Art / Coping
August 16, 2019, 02:41:52 PM
Panic Attacks with my furbaby Zelda, she helps bring me back....
And going on adventures to see burrowing owls in the wild <3

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/14332.html
#7
Art / It has been a while...
August 08, 2019, 02:48:46 PM
A lot has happened. Still being harrassed at work, my Magnolia is still in hospice, my husband broke his arm to the point where it required surgery, I have had panic attacks 3 days in a row.... I am surviving. I don't feel safe to write anymore... or to draw. I know I need professional help, and I have it: I have therapy once a week and I am on meds. I am trying.

Well, here are 2 rough sketches from this week:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/12533.html
#8
Art / Overwhelmed...she is fading -TW
July 05, 2019, 02:23:43 PM
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10511.html

So painful to watch my granma fade....she cant breathe. She still tries to sing to me 😭 and runs out of breath.
I am losing it... too many things happening at once:
My grandma is living her last days
Interview today at 2 pm
My best friend moved to virginia with my nephew 😭
Being harassed at my job, best task of my job is taken away which is why im interviewing for that position again...

And CPTSD symptoms are going haywire because where my granma is in hospice....was a huge part of my childhood.
#9
Art / Feeling so hopeless
June 19, 2019, 12:00:31 AM
I call my grandma Magnolia <3
She just went into hospice... 20%cardiac function, which causing her organs to fail and her memory to falter....she turns 98 in less than a month. Such a weird feeling to pray for my magnolia to let go... i dont want her to suffer anymore 😭😭😭

Here are the sketches I made while i took care of her the other day...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10460.html
#11
So I was abused by my dad to begin with. Then I had an abusive friendship. Afterwards, at my first job I was sexually harassed and now in my dream job according to my union representative...I am experiencing harassment. My confidence is shot. I was finally learning how to embrace what and who I am. I was owning up to what I have become. A survivor. And now trying to guide my interns or any friends in similar situations because that is the only thing that allows me to accept my past. But it has been getting heavy.... I know none of those instances are related...but I can't help to think, is there something that I am doing that make people react this way to me? What am III doing wrong?

I strive to be kind, compassionate and just supportive for those who need it. Even with the abusers and the people that have harassed me, I refuse to allow them to change my character and that is someone that asks if you are okay... someone that will move your shoes from the rain so that your shoes aren't soaked through next time you go to work...if you are grieving, offering to be there....

But instead I am met with write-ups, my reputation being dragged through the mud in a very small industry. I absolutely love my job, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just want everything to stop. When that union representative said I was experiencing harassment, the feelings that came from that were equivalent to when my therapist asked for my father's name to press charges for abusing minors and being a serial abuser....

I am so triggered on top of everything... not feeling safe in my workplace, the way this person talks to me so condescendingly, how anything I say can and will be used against me....

I am so tired :(
#13
Art / Tangled dark thoughts
May 31, 2019, 03:09:17 AM
https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6841.html

I am so tired...... i feel beaten down.
#14
Art / For a change of pace...
May 28, 2019, 05:29:24 AM
Zelda is my emotional support animal, she brings so much color to my life 😍
Grateful to be blessed with her

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6644.html
#15
Art / When you cant see past the dark clouds
May 28, 2019, 05:24:27 AM
Straight up Fog. Darkness.
Im happy to say that i can see through the cloud right now, but last qeek was unbearable. Recovering finally....until next trigger. So tiring to stay afloat...

I hate getting foggy...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6179.html
#16
Art / Uncovering
May 24, 2019, 03:23:33 AM
I think im finally starting to be able to see through some of the darkness again. I feel like i can breathe a little more...*sigh*



https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/5876.html
#17
Art / Happy birthday Papi..... TW
May 22, 2019, 05:10:38 AM
Something would always happen on this day and still does. 2 years ago it is when I met the second love of my life, my gorilla that keeps me sane at work <3 Iko Ozo feeds me, happy grumbles to me...May 22 is the day he came into my life.

May 22 is when I received my first communion and accepted to live my life with God.

May 22 is when I get an amazing opportunity in my career to network with other professionals and learn of how best to care for the animals I am  most passionate about.

May 22 is also when I have experienced trauma: My dad disappearing and not telling us when he would come back.
My dad being aggressive.....

If you have ever heard the song praying by Kesha... that is the song I am hearing in my head today, the song I heard last year when I drew this:


https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/5452.html

I don't know if he is alive. I pray he realizes what he did to all 8 of us. I pray he realizes what he did to me, my kid sister and my mom. That is my birthday wish for him. So that eventually he has some kind of friendship, relationship or even reconciles with one of us.... and he won't die alone. :(
#18
I grew up in a family where it was looked down upon to take medication. Whenever I felt depressed or anxious my family would state, it's because I don't have enough God in my life. Now I won't go into depth with that, I don't think that is a problem. I have faith and even if I didn't, obviously that is not the problem.

This week I have 2 trigger dates, going on my first trip alone to a conference for work during one of those trigger dates.....My symptoms are off the charts. I pretty much have had to take xanax every day. And I know I shouldn't feel defeated, but I just do anyway. It's awful. I fight it so hard. I take other meds too but those are routine either once or twice daily: Zoloft, Buspirone and Clonazapam. So I don't feel it as much. But when I have to decide on whether I should take Xanax, not only is it debilitating but it just makes me feel like I am failing. (Mind you, could also be because I have friends that have abused Xanax so the name scares me alone) Every time my psychiatrist prescribes me a new med, it makes me shut down for days. I have come to the conclusion they are helpful.... Just with my art alone, it's noticeable. But also my therapist, best friend and my husband have all stated multiple times that there is a huge difference. I don't get knocked down as long and as hard. My recovery from panic attacks, flashbacks and just life is quicker. But....still makes me feel defeated. Idk if I am making sense.

Does anyone ever feel like this sometimes? And how do you cope with it?
#19
Art / Mind is reeling....so triggered.
May 19, 2019, 06:12:07 AM
This is the first time I have ever shared most of these images... I have always felt like they are too dark and may scare my loved ones (mostly my mom).... Only 2 other people have seen these sketches. I am so happy I can share them with you, and seems like it not only feels like a weight off my chest but also it is helpful to you. My mind is reeling due to a trigger date and a comment my friend made "to just let go of dates." May is one of the worst months for me..... and its 2 AM, I slept 5 hours and my mind is just going in circles...over and over...and over and over.....

I really appreciate all your support.

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/4631.html
#20
There is only one thing that can clear my head and of course it is the hardest thing for me to go and do.... swimming. When I don't swim for more than a week, I feel like a fish out of water. Literally. There is something about being in the water that makes everything wash away. So for a change of pace, here is a peaceful piece <3

Too big to upload again, so here is the link:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/3822.html