Messages

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10511.html

So painful to watch my granma fade....she cant breathe. She still tries to sing to me 😭 and runs out of breath.
I am losing it... too many things happening at once:
My grandma is living her last days
Interview today at 2 pm
My best friend moved to virginia with my nephew 😭
Being harassed at my job, best task of my job is taken away which is why im interviewing for that position again...

And CPTSD symptoms are going haywire because where my granma is in hospice....was a huge part of my childhood.

Had a meeting to declare harassment and discuss this "improvement plan". Which supposedly is not a disciplinary action... even though they treated it as such....
So now hr is gonna have meetings with me and this person.

And now i got an interview for the job i got rejected from after they took one of the tasks from me this past week... the most rewarding part in my job.... its been rough

I call my grandma Magnolia <3
She just went into hospice... 20%cardiac function, which causing her organs to fail and her memory to falter....she turns 98 in less than a month. Such a weird feeling to pray for my magnolia to let go... i dont want her to suffer anymore 😭😭😭

Here are the sketches I made while i took care of her the other day...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/10460.html

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/9861.html

So I was abused by my dad to begin with. Then I had an abusive friendship. Afterwards, at my first job I was sexually harassed and now in my dream job according to my union representative...I am experiencing harassment. My confidence is shot. I was finally learning how to embrace what and who I am. I was owning up to what I have become. A survivor. And now trying to guide my interns or any friends in similar situations because that is the only thing that allows me to accept my past. But it has been getting heavy.... I know none of those instances are related...but I can't help to think, is there something that I am doing that make people react this way to me? What am III doing wrong?

I strive to be kind, compassionate and just supportive for those who need it. Even with the abusers and the people that have harassed me, I refuse to allow them to change my character and that is someone that asks if you are okay... someone that will move your shoes from the rain so that your shoes aren't soaked through next time you go to work...if you are grieving, offering to be there....

But instead I am met with write-ups, my reputation being dragged through the mud in a very small industry. I absolutely love my job, but I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just want everything to stop. When that union representative said I was experiencing harassment, the feelings that came from that were equivalent to when my therapist asked for my father's name to press charges for abusing minors and being a serial abuser....

I am so triggered on top of everything... not feeling safe in my workplace, the way this person talks to me so condescendingly, how anything I say can and will be used against me....

I am so tired

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/8160.html

Welcome <3

Thank you for your aupport and qell wishes. It means a lot.
Hugs to mystic too 😊

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6841.html

I am so tired...... i feel beaten down.

Remember when I said I was past it...nope. These clouds are back. I am so tired. I can't see past them:


I am depressed, super anxious. Had a horrible headache all day yesterday and today I just slept my free time away....I couldn't eat all day. All I was able to stomach until 11 PM was 1 PBJ sandwich. I feel tense. My muscles are tense, my heart races at random time, and then my stomach just drops....I realized it's because I am hypervigilant. It is because I am home. Home is where one is supposed to feel safe. I physically am safe: I am in my apartment with my emotional support animal, aka: Kitty child Zelda lol. I am in my apartment with my supportive and ever-so-loving husband. But my mind....psychologically I do not feel safe.
I get it. My triggers were gone at the hotel during the conference in an unknown place because I am hypervigilant to begin with but I don't feel safe. I was alone in the hotel room for 3 nights. I double/triple checked the locks of the front door. I closed doors in between me and the front door of the room. I closed the curtains except the ones in the bedroom.... Just in case. Just in case what? I don't know.
The workshop ended. My hotel stay ended. I get to go home, exciting right? I get to go see my Zelda and my Kenneth <3 I missed them so much throughout the week. But first night at home I have an emotional flashback, second night at home I have a vivid flashback that hit me like a truck of my dad chasing me with a sandal when at first we were just goofing off and finally the third night I slept for 5 hours on the couch and could not hold any food down. Throughout the whole day I was only able to stomach gatorade and 1 PBJ sandwich. I flaked; I had plans to play board games with my friends and I just slept to escape the fighting in my head.
I am home. I am safe. In the past when I was home, I was never safe. My dad would turn on us even if we were just playing around with him or joking. He would just turn aggressive, to us out of nowhere, but I am sure there was a pattern that now I can't recognize because it is too painful to remember the details.
I am so frustrated. I am home! I am safe! I am comfy! I am wearing a big t-shirt and comfy boxers, sitting on the couch, writing and watching Netflix. I am tired of fighting. I feel so defeated, I feel hopeless.... This endless battle in my head.... It just. Does. Not. Go away.....

Zelda is my emotional support animal, she brings so much color to my life 😍
Grateful to be blessed with her

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6644.html

Straight up Fog. Darkness.
Im happy to say that i can see through the cloud right now, but last qeek was unbearable. Recovering finally....until next trigger. So tiring to stay afloat...

I hate getting foggy...

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/6179.html

Thanks so much for checking in on me...means a lot.
Had to go to a conference and the anxiety was insane until i got there. And thankfully ive been learning so much of what ive been passionate about that its really kept me distracted. And ive been pretty numb to be honest so im just enjoying it to be honest. I needed a break and remember why im so passionate and why i fight every day.
Nightmares keep going. I still get frozen but i was able to paint and watch tv alone yesterday yay

I think im finally starting to be able to see through some of the darkness again. I feel like i can breathe a little more...*sigh*



https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/5876.html

Something would always happen on this day and still does. 2 years ago it is when I met the second love of my life, my gorilla that keeps me sane at work <3 Iko Ozo feeds me, happy grumbles to me...May 22 is the day he came into my life.

May 22 is when I received my first communion and accepted to live my life with God.

May 22 is when I get an amazing opportunity in my career to network with other professionals and learn of how best to care for the animals I am  most passionate about.

May 22 is also when I have experienced trauma: My dad disappearing and not telling us when he would come back.
My dad being aggressive.....

If you have ever heard the song praying by Kesha... that is the song I am hearing in my head today, the song I heard last year when I drew this:


https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/5452.html

I don't know if he is alive. I pray he realizes what he did to all 8 of us. I pray he realizes what he did to me, my kid sister and my mom. That is my birthday wish for him. So that eventually he has some kind of friendship, relationship or even reconciles with one of us.... and he won't die alone.