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Yea most likely, I was raised constantly being berated and criticized by my dad. I am bilingual. I think in english but when that inner critic comes around...it's my dad because in my head I hear it in spanish sometimes or in an accent. Isn't that crazy, awful yet fascinating at the same time? Everything was criticized:
Watching TV
when you make a stupid mistake, the amount of "I told you so" or shame that he just kept basically twisting the knife with that
Reading
Drawing
Singing
My diet (Got to the point where this week I couldn't eat for 3 days, only some snacks here and there)
My "figure"
My exercise routines.
Everything! And of course right now it is loudest because his birthday is tomorrow. I don't even know if he is alive..... But at the same time, he exists through all the brainwashing and flashbacks. I have had nightmares every night and every nap I have had this week.

I am seriously struggling this week. Today was one of those days that just would not end. I don't know how I made it. But at least I did.
Oh wow....it's his birthday today... its 1 AM....
Happy birthday Papi...

Mental health days are legitimate. I wish I called out last week because when you dissociate and act on something without thinking it through? Yeah, I am paying for that right now especially since I have a supervisor that has it out for me right now 
But good for you for taking the time off. Sometimes you just need it. *hug* hang in there, rooting for you <3

I am grateful for the strength God gives me (not being preachy I promise, just stating what I am grateful for and He is a big part of it). I am grateful for my husband. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful for my coworkers and even a local town celebrity that is on my side when it comes to work. I am grateful I have these people to help me cope and fight against the person that is bullying me at my job.
And...I am grateful for you all. I feel like I have a place where I can express all the darkness in my head. Not going to lie, this past week I have been on xanax almost every day and just I keep coming here to the forum and I have found so much support. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

For me I love A wrinkle in time, Ella enchanted, I love Mary Alice Monroe Beach house series. Those tend to be my go to books when I am in a mood. Especially Mary Alice Monroe Beach house series, literally as you read it you feel like you are sitting on a porch in front of the ocean, the pace of life just slows down and you take it all in. It has romance, healing, and my favorite wildlife conservation somehow embedded in it. It is AWESOME sorry im obsessed, there are some parts of series where main character describes past trauma but it doesn't focus on it. It focuses on moving forward which inspires me.
Also flow books are amazing like: A book that takes its time or the big book of less. Has things for creative mindfulness and activities.

Or Tiger's curse is a good YA novel, takes you through Indian mythology and just fantasy loooove it. Just for random fantasy novel I hope I helped

A while back I took a xanax because everything was way too hard. When I told my therapist that I took it, I felt like you, that I had lost a little battle. His response surprised me, "Good!" He said he'd rather me take a xanax then be completely overwhelmed and upset. It sounds like you are aware and careful that you are not overdoing it. Look at it as another tool that you are using. Those tools are there for when you need them and right now you need them. (I am talking to myself right now too!) Your therapist, friend, and husband are caring for you by telling you it is okay to take those medications. May I add my voice to theirs? It is okay. You are not doing anything wrong. You are helping yourself and that is a good thing. 

Thank you notalone, I appreciate you. I am trying. Had to take another today. Nice to know I am not alone. Yes, I need it to treat my psychological injury I guess... Thank you.

No such luck. Got bullied at work today....again. Can't catch a break lately. And can't sleep again.
I feel like I am starting to lose it.... I hear my dad's voice in my head getting louder and louder. Making me feel shame, unworthy, inexperienced....just covering me in a cloud of self-doubt...
So loud
Soooooooooo loud

Welcome <3
Don't worry I believe in God too and I truly believe He is what saved my mom, my sister and I from my dad. I don't know where I would be without Him. So no worries, your beliefs are respected and it is very welcoming here from my experience so far. It helps just knowing you are not alone. And even like today I am experiencing insomnia and just welcoming others joining us here helps. So, feel free to post and message, you will feel lots of support here. I was scared to post at first but now if anything, it has felt so comforting. I hope it does for you too

  Speaking the truth after years of silence is amazingly empowering.  Only a few people in my personal life know even a small part of the story.  To be a part of this amazing community of those who have been through similar nightmares is a real comfort.  I wish none of us had gone through it, but to have the chance to speak up and support each other fills me with hope for better days ahead.

Welcome Feral Child! I know the feeling, feels like a weight off your chest not only when you can share the thoughts that have always consumed you but also that you have people that actually understand what you deal with every day. Feel free to message me or post at any time <3 I have felt a great amount of support from this community and I feel like it truly has made me feel less alone.

I grew up in a family where it was looked down upon to take medication. Whenever I felt depressed or anxious my family would state, it's because I don't have enough God in my life. Now I won't go into depth with that, I don't think that is a problem. I have faith and even if I didn't, obviously that is not the problem.

This week I have 2 trigger dates, going on my first trip alone to a conference for work during one of those trigger dates.....My symptoms are off the charts. I pretty much have had to take xanax every day. And I know I shouldn't feel defeated, but I just do anyway. It's awful. I fight it so hard. I take other meds too but those are routine either once or twice daily: Zoloft, Buspirone and Clonazapam. So I don't feel it as much. But when I have to decide on whether I should take Xanax, not only is it debilitating but it just makes me feel like I am failing. (Mind you, could also be because I have friends that have abused Xanax so the name scares me alone) Every time my psychiatrist prescribes me a new med, it makes me shut down for days. I have come to the conclusion they are helpful.... Just with my art alone, it's noticeable. But also my therapist, best friend and my husband have all stated multiple times that there is a huge difference. I don't get knocked down as long and as hard. My recovery from panic attacks, flashbacks and just life is quicker. But....still makes me feel defeated. Idk if I am making sense.

Does anyone ever feel like this sometimes? And how do you cope with it?

This is the first time I have ever shared most of these images... I have always felt like they are too dark and may scare my loved ones (mostly my mom).... Only 2 other people have seen these sketches. I am so happy I can share them with you, and seems like it not only feels like a weight off my chest but also it is helpful to you. My mind is reeling due to a trigger date and a comment my friend made "to just let go of dates." May is one of the worst months for me..... and its 2 AM, I slept 5 hours and my mind is just going in circles...over and over...and over and over.....

I really appreciate all your support.

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/4631.html

Phoenix, rising from the ashes, love it!
I guess? Everyone says I am, sometimes I have this NEED to be in the water. I have to swim. It is bad when I don't, my symptoms worsen to the point where people I don't talk to much about this kind of stuff will ask me if I have swam recently. It scared me at first but I've come to accept maybe it is just a part of who I am. I need to swim regularly. And I need to visit the ocean every few weeks. If things are really bad in my head, gotta get myself to kayaking. So, maybe I am a mermaid deep down

There is only one thing that can clear my head and of course it is the hardest thing for me to go and do.... swimming. When I don't swim for more than a week, I feel like a fish out of water. Literally. There is something about being in the water that makes everything wash away. So for a change of pace, here is a peaceful piece <3

Too big to upload again, so here is the link:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/3822.html

Wow thank you so much <3 That means more than you can imagine. Been dealing with imposter syndrome....I have actually been blocked lately but it's probably because its May right now.... trigger dates central for me  whoo hoo... Not too sure lol

How interesting. They always say that those that laugh the loudest are the ones that have suffered the most, and I wonder if it's because we take advantage of the moments we can laugh, we can find the humor in everything because if not.... at least for me, all I would see is darkness.

BTW I am so proud of you for talking to your husband! THAT IS HUGE! Little by little, cheering for you deep blue <3

Wow, this poem was amazingly. Relate to it so much. In public, among friends or at work im seen as the girl qho smiles a lot and is cracking jokes all the time. Im the one seen as usually making sure everyone is having fun. When really, its to make others smile so they dont feel the darkness i fight every minute of every day.
However i talk about CPTSD matter of factly because you never know who is listening, who may be suffering and is too scared to seek help. Thats the only way i can accept everything i went through.

However, even then, its still a mask. Im making fun of the events that happened... or turn it around.... never show how sad and beat down i really am. The only person that knows is my husband. He has been my rock and is the one that encouraged me to seek help.

Im cheering for you deepblue. <3 you got this, your husband wouldnt be your husband if he didnt love you 😊

Yay! thats an accomplishment! As much as it feels like a set back it definitely sounds like progress. I disassociate for weeks and wouldnt notice until i "woke up" but the face you noticed in the moment?that is awesome.

Little by little, you all give me hope