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Messages - Ecowarrior888

#76
Wow... I didnt know that was a need. Because I've had this conversation with my husband before about how I feel I have to tell them about my diagnosis. What I grew up with because of the causes of my anxieties etc. And he was just like not everyone has to know. And I know that, but If it's something I'm fighting in my head all the time it feels like I'm hiding. Or I'll just start talking about it randomly because I'mfighting guilt......

This is normal in recovery?
#77
Quote from: Three Roses on April 20, 2019, 04:57:13 PM
Ecowarrior888, I sometimes also feel a lot of guilt when I'm just trying to take it easy. For me the key has been learning to recognize the source of those dysfunctional messages - my inner critic, or ICr - and speak the truth in answer to them. For instance, if I hear something like, "You're so lazy, you should be doing something productive, blah blah" I can counter with something like, "Taking a break and nurturing myself is a good thing to do, it's perfectly okay to watch TV, resting makes me stronger" etc or whatever functional message seems to be the healthy answer for the dysfunctional message you are hearing.

One of the first therapists I saw told me to write a list of all those unspoken dysfunctional rules or families handed down to us - don't cry, don't talk about hurting, etc - and rewrite the rules from a non-defensive, functional viewpoint. So for instance, "Don't cry" might be rewritten as "If I'm hurting I can cry" or "I will show my feelings when I need to, in an appropriate way" or something like that. I kept that list for a long time, rereading it whenever necessary. Come to think of it, I may just write it out again! I could use a reminder.  ;)


I will definitely try these out. Omg it's amazing I've never talked to people who get it. Who hear similar voices to mine. Who understand why I can't just lie on the couch and rest. Thank you notalone kizzie and threeroses I will try tonight. I'm home alone tonight so i can try some of that and just convince myself it's okay. I am allowed to rest. I worked 10 hours outside. I'm sick and rest is good. And will make me stronger.
#78
Thanks so much for that link I will definitely try some of these. I dont know how to be angry....I was raised to push that emotion so deep down that idk how to use anger to push critic away. But reasoning and quotes?I love it.thank youuuu
#79
Art / Peaceful place I choose to be in
April 23, 2019, 05:33:07 AM
Inspired by Yao ma van as 😊 love her stuff because gives me strength and encouragement of being an independent woman 😊
#80
Yeah. Wow you are very brave for doing for your kids.

I dont think I would be able to do that. I decided when my future kids will not meet there grandpa. Period.

But I guess all I can say is that you know the red flags. You know your triggers which is good because the minute you start feeling them, you can be like hmmm something came up, time to go. And you will be there with your kids. You will be able to kind of guide their interactions with your mom and make it a positive experience.

However, something my FOO does unintentionally because they havent received the help they need, is give opinions about how I am as a wife. Or how my husband is. Or just how my marriage works. And I know those are echoes from my dads abuse. So I kind of always have like a rebuttal for anything they could or would say to me. Like oh dont tell your husband everything....uhhh that's what makes my marriage work.
Trust your family more than your husband. Hmmm my husband iiiis my family. So I always have my guard up.

I know you will too.

If it makes you feel any better, my grandma was abusive to my mom, aunts and uncles. My grandma cannot be physically abusive now but her words can sometimes cut right through you. But now that I am older, I turn the conversation around and be like oh I'm fat. Time to show you my talking belly button. I take it like a joke. And if anything she laughs at it now and knows better whether to call me fat lmao And I actually have a great relationship with my grandmother regardless of how negative she could be. My mom just told me growing up, nah dont listen to your grandma she is from a different time and life. And that kind of gave me an excuse to ignore any negative comments she made growing up which protected me.
#81
Art / Re: My journey ** TW graphic art**
April 23, 2019, 12:35:38 AM
I get that. I struggle with that too RiverRabbit. The person my father made me was submissive, and basically someone that became what he wanted. Even in regards to my career, he made me doubt my faith, and any decisions I made. Even what foods I liked.... which now I am like O.o mind boggled.

But little by little, I am figuring out what IIII want. Who is Eco? So far I've discovered, Eco likes to paint, likes to sing (struggles to share music though because I hear his voice constantly), I think I want to write children's books filled with hope.

Eco defines success different than my father did. My father believed in having money, trusting no one but yourself, no generosity or helping others (even though that is the opposite of what I am), having a Ph.D or Master's and a "good" job or status. Having kids by a certain age, being married to a particular person.
I see success differently. All that matters is that I am happy. Everyone I love is safe. Today is good and tomorrow is good because of the life I created for myself.

Eco does not want to be submissive to anyone ever again. I want to be an equal. Regardless of their ranking in my career.... I want to have the strength to fight back for what I believe in. Even if I can't do it verbally.... I do it through writing and through paper trails.

Here for you RiverRabbit you are not alone. Thank you so much for responding to me, you've helped me a lot today :)
#82
My birthday is in a couple weeks. And today as soon as I got home from work, I showered and made cup noodles....
I sat on my couch and ate at the small table with the TV on....
I felt echoes of a flashback if that makes sense. It was there, but not full blown, however the guilt started seeping in.
I could just hear my dad calling me starchy, fat and saying I am killing my brain cells when I turned the TV on..... I worked for 8 hours outside, physical labor in 80 degree heat.... Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel alone when my husband is in constant contact with me? I have my kitty who tries to get me out of these flashbacks.
But I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Everything feels dark. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. Even something I should be looking forward to, going to a workshop for my job with all expenses paid for which is all about my passion. But of course, it lands on my abuser's birthday....
I just want everything to stop. There are so many things going on and I feel like I can't catch up.
#83
Art / Re: My journey ** TW graphic art**
April 23, 2019, 12:10:54 AM
Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate this. These images are hard for me to share, but each time, it is getting easier. Little by little I am coming to terms with my diagnosis... and that this is something I am probably going to have to deal with forever. It was 20 years....20 years of these phrases yelled at me repeatedly, beating my self-esteem and strength to the ground. But now 5 years later..... I am feeling closer to being that warrior. I just have to figure out how to be a person. Does that make any sense?
#84
I get that. Definitely got me confused
When I first had those... I think sometimes that was part of the brainwashing, the manipulation. My dad taught me to read and when it went great it was amazing. But... even then it was kind of awful.... If I struggled, it was homeschool on the weekend. All my privelages were gone, no saturday morning cartoons. Couldnt play with my sister. Couldn't eat until I got to a certain point of a book... couldnt be with my mom....

But then I remember him giving me chocolate after. It's so confusing sometimes. At the end of the day he is a flawed human. I'd love to think there was love in there, I'm sure there was. which is what used to mess with my mind. I tried so hard to keep in contact with him...... but every time I did, he set me back... he gaslit, made me feel guilty saying the only reason I am where I am is because of him.....

He is a flawed human. I'm the seventh child he messed up. He was unsuccessful in 3 families. That's what I tell myself when I get those positive flashbacks. Idk if that's what I should do....
#85
I definitely do. Like when o was able to watch 2 episodes of a show back to back by myself at home with my cat. I sobbed when I told my husband how amazing it felt. And it was so weird because that's where I felt hurt again.
Like man, this is supposed to be normal. Being able to watch Netflix to pass the time. Instead of watching the ceiling, hiding under a blanket for hours at a time ☹
#86
That's amazing!!!!!its crazy to hear what you go through because there are times I swear I'm going crazy, the same thing happens to me with my husband. My abuser was my dad. So whenever my husband has a negative emotion I hide, sleep, dont eat or similar to you I have no recollection of the discussion.

Something my husband does is write things down. If its noticeable I'm triggered or having a flashback. He says I act different too. Here for you, I'm happy you had a win! Thank you for sharing :)
#87
Thank you for this because my triggers are all at home when I'm not being productive. I hear my dads voice..... and I just feel guilty lying on the couch watching TV.

Trying to learn the art of resting. How do you rest?
#88
Art / My journey ** TW graphic art**
April 19, 2019, 11:17:53 PM
Trigger warning:my journey
#89
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
April 19, 2019, 03:40:38 AM
Thank you <3
#90
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi
April 19, 2019, 02:44:16 AM
So I officially got diagnosed a year and a half ago with CPTSD. Been going to therapy for about 6 years and now on meds because my symptoms I guess are considered severe.

I endured 20 years of abuse from my dad and I didnt know. I guess I've been wanting to find others that understand what I am going through. My sister isnt ready she is still in denial. And I feel alone and hopeless sometimes because I feel no one understands. So yeah, that's why I am here