Topics

In the silence of the night
The wounded heart beat echos
Drowned by the years of fight
The wounded heart beat echos

With each beat the screams recall
The wounded heart beat echos
The streams of tears begin to fall
The wounded heart beat echos

The words cut deep to the heart
The wounded heart beat echos
Hurting worse than being torn apart
The wounded heart beat echos

Innocence taken and beaten down
The wounded heart beat echos
The shell of life is all that's left now
The wounded heart beat echos

Lost in the world I hid in my head
The wounded heart beat echos
Invisibility my power to remain undead
The wounded heart beat echos

Trying to find my back from the dark
The wounded heart beat echos
Stuck underwater just unable to start
The wounded heart beat echos

How do you see through others eyes
We all wear masks and disguise
The way we feel, our thoughts
Is anything ever face value or real

Kids feelings don't lie they tell you straight
They haven't learned the art, mask restraint
Their thoughts and emotions worn on a sleeve
Left out often for everyone to read

Subtleties of despise behind unspoken meet
Eyes that lie to your face as smiles greet
How to see the past the given
Interrupt the parts that are still hidden

My whole life emotion was bad
My best friend died and I couldn't be sad
Splitting at 6 kept me alive
But perfect Me was always happy to survive

I'm not sure how other people to read
When there true emotions are hidden from me
It's not self aware or that I don't care
I don't understand what people don't share

Emotions are new to me and hard to control
Gettin better by leaps & bounds but it takes a toll
Others perceptions of me I may never know
If I smile and you smile I think we are good to go.

Dear Little,
I want you to know how brave and special I think you are. You have held horrible memories for for 35 years. Memories of things no little girl should have ever had let alone had to carry as secrets for so long.
TW***
Our NM sucks she has caused so much pain starting with what she did to you. Pulling your arms  out of socket, beating you for existing, whether you did or didn't do anything wrong. From 2-6 you were ignored, or beat, called horrible names, shamed for asking questions, and blamed for sins.  You were invisible to her when it came to the horrors others inflicted on you. No for year old should be out looking for a dog alone. That boy lied and hurt you.  At 6 the friends daddy was a bad demented man to hurt you in the ways he did.  You are so brave to have survived through the horrors of our first 6 years.  To hold those memories for me.
**TW end
Thank you sweet Little for your help. I'm so scared to figure out how life is going to work moving forward. But you are no longer alone.  You can rest some, I will share the burden of these horrors.  I know you are scared too, and feel like you are letting me down.  Know that you have done your job, and it's time for me to face the horror of my life so I can heal.  So we can heal.  You were never to blame for any of the hurt you endured.  Not from Mom or the boy or the friends daddy.  No Little girl should have been treated like you where.  No Little girl should have been abused in everyway but sexually by thier mom, and sexually by three others by the age of 6 with no one to help.

I am here as is our T now.  So you are safe and we will continue to make our way towards healing one little step at time.  Thank again for being so brave and strong.

Love you Little,
TEE

Struck by emotions lost to myself
Trying to find a way to comfort
The brokenhearted little one
How do you comfort your own broken heart

Split by the horror to hold each piece
Some stuck in the dark unable to fight
The littlest holds the darkest core
I was unloved unwanted and lost before I begun

To speak to a hurting broken part
How do I fix it when the feeling is out of reach
Pushing away the hurt and the pain
Breaking my heart for the little inside

So lost without words and proper emotions
Broken in pieces by memories realing
Knowing my life is just smoke and mirrors
Hiding the hurt behind the fake smile

How can I look at my littlest broken part
The one holding the core of all the self doubt
Wondering if there is anything I can do
To bring comfort or healing to take a step forward

Broken from the inner core through my whole being
Trying hard to find away to start being ok
With being seen and heard and find a way to feel
Start to feel without drowning so I can help little heal

Why is it so so hard tto pretend to be Ttee?  When she leaves I I have to pretend I'm her cause she's got kids and a husband that ddont know about mme.  It's hard to to be big though cause I'm llittle Ttee's daughter is almost 8 and and that's lots older than mme.☹️ She makes dinner for mme sometimes pancakes or a sandwich, but I I don't know how to make food.
*trigger warning I I fink *
I I hhate night time cause I I have bbad dreams and and flashbacks of mmmommy Being mean and really mad and mmmy bbbabyssitter pplaying the tickle game. So so I I scared to to sleep. ☹️🥺😢

I wish Ttee would sstopp leaving☹️🥺. She left when she had to do the heimlich on her daughter when she chocking cause it scared her.☹️

It's been a while since I posted and a lot has happened.  After my friend lost her little one,I spiraled with flashbacks and memory loops from when I lost a baby too. It wasn't pretty and I struggled to get out of bed each day.

Then on an up swing I got a new job in the ER as a Mental Health Tech. I started orientation the week before covid shut down happened lucky me. So I've been a front line worker through all of this at a children's hospital.  Loving the job change, not the covid timing. 

Being mom, teacher, and student, working and being isolated from my support people has been really rough.

Pulled put A's in my classes by the skin of my teeth. Not exactly sure how. Glad I have a break for the summer, and just have to figure out how to pay for the fall.

My kids are getting really stir crazy which is getting really hard for me to deal with, it's triggering me really bad right not, cause I'm not sleeping and I can feel myself losing my temper and I want to reach the way my NM did. I don't but I have to really fight the urge.

My heart and head continue to rage and war against each other. I'm ready for peace. But don't see it in sight.

I've been gone for a bit trying to hold on to the knot at the end of my rope.  Well a few things have happened one I finally got a new position at the hospital I now work in the ER just in time for the pandemic. Love the job hate the timing. Glad to be working though. Made it through another semester with A's in all my classes not exactly sure how that happened amongst my many break downs and deep depression, but glad to be done for the summer. The kids are growing and done with school too. Though it has been trying, to try to home school them through the covid stuff as well as be a front line worker at the children's hospital.

So my birthday was the 28th I just turned 40. Birthdays are so hard for me because there are so many bad memories tied to them that trigger me into really bad loops for days or even weeks. I am still struggling so much that I needed to reconnect with some friends here to just remember that I'm not as alone as I have felt being isolated from friends I normally see face to face but can't because of their fear of covid.

So I made the mistake of taking my new book from Pete Walker From surviving to thriving.  So she flipped through it and landed in the back and read the human bill of Rights on page 315.

Why just why.

So my homework for the week is to work on believing number three. Which is "I have the right to make mistakes" ( just writing that makes me feel sick)  Because she said we can keep going round and round but that with classical cognitive behavior therapy she can't help get me out of my struggle because my core belief is I can't make a mistake.  So I pretty much I set my self up to repeat the self hate because I'm going to screw up which loads me down with self hate and crushing critisim so no matter how hard I try. I repeat the hate cycle because until I believe I have the right to make mistakes it won't change.

Possible TW
I'm not sure how to do this because making a mistake or getting away which was a mistake it ended in emotional abandonment, verbal ridicule name calling, and often physical punishment and beatings too. Both at a very young age and up through as I was growing from what I know.  But also during my teen years by other abusers who added sexual torment to the above-mentioned abuse when I screwed up.
End trigger warning

So how do I let myself believe it's ok to make mistakes?  I feel sick just asking the question. I feel like I'll fall apart.

I bought one of Peter Walker's books.  Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving.

As I sat down to start to read it my brain literally started shutting off.  It got fuzzy and I couldn't keep reading. I got through the preface.

When I had my concussion I had this issue when I tried to school work but that was a while ago, and I've been able to read fine since then so I don't think this is related.

It's very frustrating when everything is not going well I'm struggling anyway to then have something as simple as being able to read taken away. It allows the ICr to scream see stupid waste...  guess some part of me isn't ready to read to this yet.

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle.  Things that should have been fun I found myself struggling to stay in the present.

Now I'm struggling because I'm excited. This should be a good thing right...

TW
Well the last time I came remember feeling this excited about something I was blindsided by one of my most horrible things that happened to me.  So now my mind is having a war I get excited about the interview which triggers me into the bad flashback with physical bruising to go along with the horror show that my mind is replaying over and over. 
The movie that plays excited 16 year old me walking into what was suppose to be my 1 year anniversary dinner to find the jerk and like 10 drunk guys waiting. I'll let you full in the horror I'm sure your imagination is not as bad as what really happened.
End TW

Anytime something good should happen bad stuff happens instead. My head keeps reminding me all the times in my life this has been the case.  All the times I've been left all alone, with no one to care.  Been passed by when I really wanted something. 

But part of me still is excited which triggers me, and the other part is just beating my down cause I don't get the things I want. 

Of the the positions I applied for I got one interview for the one I really want, and today I got two rejection letters for the other two.  So if I don't get the job at the interview I guess my head is right.

Hurts we hide to make it through
The pain inside that no one sees
Years go by the scars don't show
Littles cry as the scenes replay
There are no scars the wounds still fresh
Wounds from years gone by
never given the chance to cry
Wounds so deep they crack the soul
Questioning is it possible to be whole
Wounds that fester and stay
Have to face them to heal someday
Wounds of the broken heart mind and soul
To heal is to scar to put the peices back in a whole
The daily battle wounds may not be seen
But the war rages on inside the in between

Emotions are so exhausting.  Good as well as bad.  I'm in school to become an OTA because when my emotions returned and my memories flooded back and I had to start freaking with my past I couldn't be infront of little kids all day as teacher.  I took myself out of that roll before something happened and I lost my license.

Most of the time when I say to someone I hate emotions they say well about love and joy and happiness?  To that I think they are so hard to take all of the time. don't get me wrong I find these things in my kids and am thankful for that. However, anywhere else I feel myself starting to feel excitement or or joy I feel I need to stop myself before I'm rudely awakened with the reality of I'm not meant to be happy.  I'm really excited about this new job opportunity at my work,. It will get me out of the kitchen where I have been for over a year, and working with troubled youth.  I know this may be triggering and also sound horrifying to others but as a teacher it would give me a place to help and hours that would allow me to do school and see my own kids big bonus. So I feel myself going for it and then part of me screaming stop don't your not going to get stop thinking you will your just going to be devastated when you don't.

Then there's the fake smile I put in everyday as I walk around the hospital saying hi, and what a great day I'm having, as I push my cart to deliver food.  It's horrid.  I'm not great far from it I've got the worse horror stories running through my head about 20/24 hours a day I get a little reprieve if I'm hyper focused on something else.  I really do hate all emotions.  They just exhaust me and when I don't sleep anyway I'm already exhausted.

I've had a really rough week battling flashbacks and nightmares.  I know we all struggle with our own inner thoughts of we aren't good enough and illogical anxieties about things. My Therapist keeps telling me that I need to tell her the things my NM is saying in my head during these flashbacks because they are lies and that way she can combat that then with truths. Well as I have mulled this over this week this is what I have come up with. 

TW
From the earliest time I can remember about 2 I was fending for myself and helping take care of my baby brother that was 2 years younger than me.  If I was invisible and kept the baby happy then I was just mostly a little hungry. 
If the baby was crying or hurt then I soon would be to, and if I was"seen" by which I mean if I was in the way, asked for something, crying, wearing the wrong thing and my NM was the only one around I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused.
End TW

Now this was the case from 2-7 my little brother was my charge and if he got hurt I got in trouble.  It only happened when my dad and older brother weren't around and the worse was when I was "disciplined" because the schooled called to tell my mother that I had been crying all day at school the day my best friend had died in fire. But they bothered my mom I need them not to call but they didn't listen they wanted to inform her how upset I was.

Well that was when I fractured myself and became totally invisible allowing a fake"perfect" be what people could see and I left and hid deep inside my own mind for a really long time. Till I was about 15.

I don't know how to put into words all that runs through my head during the flashbacks from 2-7 some of them I can some not so much. I remember just wanting to know why mommy didn't love me. I guess my little still feels that way. Invisible or seen there was no love.

This week has been really rough my son has been at camp.  My kids are my anchors.  My daughter more than my son but both help keep grounded in the present when I start getting sucked into my crap. Well my son comes home today. I'm so excited.

My daughter who's 6 goes to camp on Sunday.  I think she can feel my anxiety about this.  I have tried to be excited for her and tell her how much fun she is going to have.  I truly think she will.  She is out going and makes a new friend in two minutes at any play ground.  Once she is there she will have a blast and won't want to come home.  She however is super sensitive and knows I've missed my son this week and came in this morning saying she doesn't want to go to camp. 

With every fiber of my being I don't want her to go either I'm going to be a mess while she's gone. I know she will be having a great time there's no doubt in my mind. I can't hold her back because of my brain and crap.

She sees through my masks though and knows I have mixed emotions about her going.  How do I push my anchor away so she's excited to go instead of upset that I'm leaving her?

I have never been much to ask for help to write things down.  When I say the things in my head out makes them some how more real.  If I keep quite if I shut my mouth, and stop writing maybe it's just in my head.

When I started down this road It was because my perfect box that held my emotions, my memories, and the whole of who I am except for Paulina version of myself that I made when I was 6 to live my life for me. 

My life got stressful and and my box imploded.  My eldest adopted son got in trouble with law. My daughter was two and becoming her own irritating person.  My world was in chaos which made it so Paulina couldn't handle things anymore. I had to start raising from the depths of my dark box. 

**TW**
The things that came out of my box first were flashbacks of the year I was groomed and brutally raped and beaten on an almost daily basis.  Some more gruesome than others.

The Paulina side of me started counseling. After about a year the crap the jerk did to her was made into a time line.  She told my NM.  You know what she said after I told her all the horrible things he did to me. She said," you know it's your fault because you lied!"

This is as far as I can go tonight.

Does anyone else ever get really low for no reason?  Today was an ok day nothing bad or good really happened.  Went to work should have done some school work.

When I got home I was just done with life for the day. Had no motivation to do my school work. Felt really low then my head started in which made me feel worse for not doing what I should be doing.

Going to try to sleep hoping I'll wake with more motivation. Feeling too low right now to care that my work is due tomorrow night.  Just wish my battles could creases fire for awhile.

Wrote this the other day when I was struggling in a loop after freaking out on my daughter.

WHAT WILL THEY REMEMBER?
What will be remembered when the years go by
The times I yelled and screamed at them the times I made them cry
What will they remember as they grow from babes to teens
Will they remember snow forts, science center, zoos or the times in between
What will they remember as they start thier life after high school
Will they treasurer the time they had with us as we taught them to not be cruel
What will be remembered as they grow into adults
Will the good drown out the bad or will they blame me for my faults
What will they remember as they start families of your own
Will they remember the love and snuggles the movie nights the fun
What will they remember when they look back at their life
Will they see a mom who tried to them help grow as she became a better mother and wife
What will they remember when when all is said and done
Is the struggle that I face daily going to be seen or well hidden
What will they remember?

Just have to vent because my head can't stop looping.  Why is that my NM thinks that asking my husband if they can take my two children ages 10 and 6 for a two night trip to go bike riding on trials is ok?  To me that is very manipulative and also a hard pass.  Last time my parents took my children away for a time my aunt was also there as a buffer! She saw the abusive side of my NM and refuses to be around her. So no you may not take my children who by the way just learned to ride Thier bikes this year or on bike paths to ride out until they get tired and the belittle and berate them the whole way back to the car making them hate their bikes.  And how dare you try to get around me by asking my husband instead of me. .
But good job husband his response was I'll have to check with me ok rant complete does the manipulation ever end?

Why is it that when you screw up in one area of life it starts the ball rolling to screw up in others?

I have been fighting and battling with the voices in my head saying I'm not good enough and just as bad as my NM.  For a week or so.  Due to an over tired moment with my daughter that I've since apologized for and we are all good. The inner critic comes to beat me up about it but I'm trying to over come. 

In the time I've been dealing with that though I missed the start of my summer class haven't missed the turn in dates so still have time to get my stuff done.  But again the perfectionist is beating me down. The ball is rolling and getting bigger are harder to quiet.  Why can't the voices just be quite? 

My biggest fear is that I'm going to screw up my two kids.  That my trauma is going to scar my two innocent children. 

I loop through my horror and get stuck in visual auditory flashbacks.  My body makes bruises from the past in the present.  There are times I don't sleep and I lose the ability to mask the trauma to be fine.

Why is it that when I try to be a good mom and do something like a girl scout campout with my 6 year old that I become the monster that I hate so much?

I hear my M voice coming out of my mouth directed at my sweet precocious little girl and it makes me sick.  " Why can't you just listen, you are ruining this for everyone, we can just leave!" And then in my absolutely no sleep looping state I end up swatting her butt or cheek to get her attention.😭😥😭😭. When she bursts into tears I immediately feel like the worse mom ever I apologise and try to fix it but by that point am looping so bad I just want make the pain stop.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you keep yourself from damaging you own kids?