Messages

  sending much love and comfort Hope! Sorry I've been MIA so long I've been struggling too.  Life is hard right now know I'm thinking about you and you're in my heart.  Sending more hugs of comfort  and calm.

  sorry I've been MIA San. You've still been in my heart and thoughts. I hope that your move has gone well and you are settling in well. Sending hugs of comfort and care for a friend that I've been missing.

  thanks notalone  I wish you could too. Thanks for the encouragement. Hope you are in a better place now.

  thanks armadillo for your kind words.  I'm just tired of everything and trying to be ok for school on a time line when I've worked throughout this whole process. I'm just feeling very defeated and frustrated.

TW---- mushroom cloud
So I feel like I need to start lying... I kind of feel like I'm six again and my emotions don't matter I just need to be better.  I'm going to the doctor today and she is going to ask me how I'm doing.  I don't know what too freaking say. I feel like everything is exploding into a mushroom cloud and someone hit pause and now it's just there. To explode again and again and more anytime I'm not busy with something else or distracted by current life or depression.

How can real life continue on when the life of horror and trauma looms over me like a mushroom cloud waiting for the blow up bigger or the ash to fall and cover everything and suffocate or chocked out the light of the current. 

Trying to figure out how to live and cope with DID and my life story. While trying to be "ok" so I can finish my schooling.  Feeling father from "ok" than I've ever been. Lost in transition of trying to find ways to live without trying to hide who I am as a whole from beginning to now From the outside in. How to show where I am without displaying the scars of where I've been. But when the scars don't show but their the wounds are deep how do heal so the next step out the next breath you can take without the ashes choking you out?

  sorry I've been MIA but it sounds like you have had a lot going on. Sending a big hug of support as you are looking for a new job.

I'm sorry your relationship is not going the way you would like it go. That's hard to deal with big hug

  thanks for the check ins I'm doing ok.  Training is going well the puppy is getting bigger she is very smart and showing her string will.  She is very bitey.  Working on that.    But she is also very sweet and is helping me get out of bed and do more. I'm doing an IOP which is going ok I guess it seems like a lot but the people seem nice and I'm trying to make the best of it. My T says it's part of showing I am trying to do more to "fix" myself so I'll be ready for the fall. It seems like a lot of bunk to me but I'm trying to keep an open mind. Have a good day hugs thanks for your support.

  getting to Florida was a little stressful but we did make it. Missed the first flight but they put us on one an hour later. Puppy did great for her five days at Disney. She needs a pin or something saying she survived 5 days at Disney but everyone thought she was so cute and wanted to pet her. She was hot and tired but did great.  I'm doing ok it's been nice to get away. But unfortunately my birthday is a trigger and though we were here with other things going on the anniversary trigger of my birthday has snuck in as well. Trying to keep it at Bay but it is hard. Thanks for the thoughts and support.

I get my puppy tomorrow morning and then we leave for Florida the next week. So it's all it getting close. I'm really excited about the puppy but I haven't gotten as much done around the house as I had hoped cause I've been so down😔 but I did clean both doggy creates so that's good. And I have a bunch of puppy stuff. I need to get a puppy basket for her toys and stuff. Can't wait till tomorrow morning. Thanks for the encouragement sending love

  thanks for your support San.

Well finished class done for the summer. Signed up for the independent study next semester.😏 Get my puppy on Monday. Trying to eat but it just makes me feel sick so I'll keep working on that. Soon will have the puppy to focus on and then will be on vacation.🙂 thanks for the support from everyone sometimes I wish I could just forget the trauma my life. Unfortunately there's no undo button or delete.😥 Thanks again for the love and support.

Wasn't sure I could say it in person so wanted to say it to them beforehand.

  thank you Hope I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for one more week to pass. Then I will have my puppy in my arms and something new to focus on.🙂

Thank you notalone some days I'm doing better than others. But I'm trying

Thanks for the support and love. Found a new puppy cause the breeder took the one I wanted for her stud fee.😥 But went and met and tested me puppy today she passed all tests with flying colors. So meet Kita I get to bring her home on the 17th. .

I sent my classmates a message saying how proud I am of them and how much I have enjoyed getting to know them over the past 3 years. That I am happy for them and I will be graduating in the fall. Next Wednesday at 12 I have a meeting and then my last class is at 6.
Then I'll just have to get my puppy and pack for my trip to Florida which that won't be stressful at all well at least I'll have Kita with me so I can retreat with her if I need to.
Thanks again for the love and support I'll let you know how the meeting goes.

Thanks I'm trying to love on my kids as best I can. It's just hard. I'll just keep going the best I can thanks for your support.