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Messages - Bach

#16
Hope, I love the thought of us together in a lovely leafy garden.  I'll keep that comforting image with me.  :hug: if it's okay.

My brother and nephew are here from overseas visiting my mother, and I've been able to visit with them without seeing her (I set the heck out of that boundary), but I still can't escape her evil.  She doesn't like that my brother and I are close, so she's been trying to drive a wedge between us by lying to him about me, and by inappropriately trying to involve him in a bit of business that should be between me and her only.  In the scheme of how I have handled things like this in the past, I am handling this very well and not doing stupid things that would make it worse, but it's weighing very heavily on me.  That's a polite way of saying that I'm depressed to the point of being able to do hardly anything, and my intrusive thoughts are jumping back and forth between "I want to just (*^%^&%*^& die" and "Why can't she just (*&%^&%^*(& die?"  It hurts so much.

I've got a lot to say about this, especially about how fed up and outraged I am with her lying and being a horrible person and getting away with it by screwing with my mind, but I can't right now because  :aaauuugh:  :doh:  :blink:  :stars:  :'(
#17
Recovery Journals / Re: too much
November 28, 2023, 07:27:49 PM
I'm glad you're here too, san  :hug:
#18
Recovery Journals / Re: too much
November 26, 2023, 07:27:08 PM
Oh san  :'( Times are so rough.  I'm thinking of you and sending love and hugs  :hug: :bighug:
#19
PapaC, thank you for being there  :hug:

#20
Hope and PapaCoco, thank you for the encouraging words and the hugs  :hug:  :grouphug: I need that stuff. 


On my mind today:  About a month ago, my therapist told me she sees my difficulty in motivating myself to do absolutely anything without having to react against an antagonist as a self-regulation problem.  For some reason, that sounds more like a solvable problem to me than however I was thinking about it before.  Self-regulation is something that can be worked on and improved.  I've been working for years on improving my ability to self-regulate emotionally, and rarely does a day go by that I don't notice and appreciate improvements I have made there.  So if I can improve my emotional self-regulation, it stands to reason that I should also be able to improve my behavioural self-regulation.
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Kizzie's Journal
November 24, 2023, 12:31:36 AM
Kizzie, the best to you as you navigate this complicated emotional territory. Sending love and warm thoughts  :hug:
#22
Quote from: Bermuda on November 16, 2023, 01:41:43 PMThe reckless abandon, not the recklessly abandoned.

 :hug:
#23
Armer, Chaos Rains, Blueberry and NarcKiddo, thank you for this perspective. It makes a lot of sense. I think something in me must be fighting against any further healing because today the death-wishing voice is mostly back. I'm also having physical symptoms that I can't connect to any logical physical cause and this morning the thought popped into my mind that lately I have been functioning more-or-less normally even though I have been feeling emotionally AWFUL most of the time, almost totally unable to experience pleasure or feel joy and in the kind of disastrous mental state that usually significantly disables me. So maybe I am actually getting somewhere although now I am fearful that the "better" I get the worse I will FEEL and that is just not what I bargained for.
#24
Lately, instead of my intrusive voice saying "I want to die" or "I wish I was dead", it has been saying "Why didn't anybody love me?"  Is this an improvement?  It doesn't feel like one.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: too much
November 14, 2023, 04:05:54 PM
 :hug:  :hug: :bighug:

Hoping for some light for you soon.
#26
General Discussion / Re: I love and hate Halloween
November 04, 2023, 02:44:41 PM
I liked Halloween when I was a kid and it wasn't a big deal, just a fun little thing where you dressed up and carved a pumpkin and ate some candy. I don't like it now that it's another exploited money maker and waste generator here in the USA that goes on for an entire month and includes giant yard displays.

(I sound like a grumpy old man!)
#27
My Person is away on a work trip.  He left on Tuesday and won't be back until the 9th, and I am not doing well alone in the house.  It's pathetic how much trouble I have functioning when there's nobody around to see.  I have enough trouble when there IS someone!  I really just want to be a functional person living a decently productive life, but I think it might be too late.  I don't think I can even blame my trauma.  I think I'm just lazy and shouldn't even be here.
#28
If I ever want to be happier and more comfortable with myself, I will have to get better at doing things I don't like to do that I like the results of. 
#29
Addiction/Self-Medicating / Re: Cannabis
October 24, 2023, 09:26:52 PM
Larry, thank you very much for your reply.  I started early in life too, and my history with it is long and weird, full of the question of how big a problem it is or isn't, and full of a perpetual longing for it to JUST NOT BE A THING ANYMORE.  Whether that would mean quitting entirely, or whether it would mean continuing to use but being comfortable with it, for it to NOT BE A THING ANYMORE.  Both have been possible in bursts, but neither has ever taken hold for more than a few weeks or maybe months. 

Looking back over my life, I can't say that cannabis has done me more harm than it has done me good, but nor can I say that it has done me more good than harm.  It has probably done me ever so slightly more good than harm in that it hasn't significantly screwed up anything in my life or caused any serious physical health problems and it helps me function and take care of myself, but my ultimate longing is to function and take care of myself without it.  The worst part is that a lot of the time I really don't like the way it makes me feel either, but it's often that very discomfort that prods me to function.  As a person, I tend to be quite inert.  My natural inclination is to do things only when someone else wants, needs or expects me to, and when left to my own devices pretty much stay still, lay low, and distract myself with things that don't require much physical movement (reading, watching TV, messing around on the internet).  Cannabis makes me feel antsy, which makes me move around and do things to soothe the antsy feeling. 

Something I realised a couple of years ago is that I spent most of my life heavily dissociated from my body, barely feeling it at all and having very little understanding of my physical experience. Since then I have been working on developing a relationship with my body, and something I have realised is that cannabis makes me feel my body, which seems to provide something I need to get me up and keep me going. I feel that I should be able to figure out how to accomplish this without having to first make myself feel worse in order to make myself feel better, but I haven't hit on it yet.
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: too much
October 22, 2023, 09:30:45 PM
Thinking of you, san  :hug: