Messages

My deep sympathies re your dental trauma, san. Dental trauma has been a huge issue for me throughout my life, so I know all too well of what you speak.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself about the smoking. I know how upsetting it is to revert to a habit you thought you had moved on from, but you've had entirely too much dumped on you this summer. It is understandable that you are looking to an old habit for distraction, or comfort, or a substitute problem. You will stop when you are ready, and in the meantime, being angry or upset with yourself will only make you feel worse, and probably make you do it more. Please love and be gentle with yourself as much as you can.

Forgive me if I sound preachy! I know how it is and want to offer you my love and support and encourage you not to turn against yourself for not being perfect. I'm a veteran of that kind of thing and I hope you will not get caught up in it

I've been tapping every day, and I'm finding it to be really powerful. Kind of too powerful, in fact. I overdid the gut healing and got ill, so now I'm going to stay away for a while from everything but tap and breathe, and deep sleep patterning. Although I'm distressed and very uncomfortable, I also feel hopeful. I feel that I have a good tool that I will be able  use to progress further as long as I do it more carefully.

 

I'm glad you're still battling, san I know how painful it is when you can't find the motivation for it within yourself, but still I'm glad that you have your d to give you a reason to go on 

Thank you for the encouragement, san.  I've been feeling quite discouraged lately, and that positive feedback helps give me the will to stay on track.  In fact, writing this reminds me that today my morning was disrupted by my husband having to go out early today (which hasn't happened at all since March), and I haven't yet done the morning good habits I've been working on building.  I guess I'll go do them now.

Siiiiigh

Oh, Sceal   I mourn for the loss of your beloved friend 

San, I relate to so many things about your last post.  So much of what you say about how people wanted you to be, and feeling unacceptable the way you were, I could have written myself.  I even moved to Southern California in my early adulthood!

Lots of love and thanks for sharing  

 

Oh, Hope, well done on talking things through with your partner.  It's so hard to open up that way, even with someone you trust.  How wonderful that he responded so well!

San and notalone, thank you so much for being there    Everything hurts so much inside lately, no one knows because I look fine on the outside. I guess it's better that it isn't showing but the hidden despair is so lonely. Thank you for caring 

I am angry right now because I realised today that I don't think I have ever once actually changed a bad habit. Or, really, developed a good one that stuck properly. I have at times stopped doing something temporarily but I always end up regressing, or started doing something good and continued for a month or two, but then stopped. I'm thoroughly programmed for two conflicting things: survival and self-destruction. I don't know what to do with that but I wanted to write it down.

Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

 

x2

San, I'm really glad to hear that your hubby is on the mend. 

Now you take care of you now, and soon hopefully you will be feeling better, too

 

Thanks as always for your input, Snowdrop. I need to do some more reading and see if I can get a handle on the protector/firefighter/exile thing because I don't really understand it well at all.

I'm a wreck today. Anxiety and stomach pain that won't quit. I overate but not as egregiously as the last few days and I did a few useful things today though so at least I'm not totally spiralling into the dysfunction pit. I really hope I can get out of this loop soon.

I want others to know how hard I have to work to participate in my life and with others.

Yes! This all day every day.

Something I want people to know about CPTSD is that it's real and has a cause and I am not delusional, malevolent or dangerous.