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Messages - mikenoodle

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General Discussion / Re: What to say to someone with PTSD?
« on: October 16, 2019, 03:34:42 AM »
Things that have made me feel (even slightly) better:

It's okay. or  It's going to be okay.
It's not your fault.
That IS messed up.
You didn't deserve this.
I love you
you deserve to be loved too
I've got this for you
I've got your back

General Discussion / Re: A Day That I Couldnít Control
« on: October 16, 2019, 03:29:19 AM »
That's sound advice! Thank you!

I believe that many of us share common experiences as our particular brand of "damage" comes from a specific set of circumstances. Thanks for the kind words. I also married a woman who had a very strong sense of family and a strong sense of home. In my 33 years of marriage I have learned the ways of family and mourn for the loss of mine.

New Members / Re: New member here
« on: October 16, 2019, 03:21:35 AM »
I finally have a desktop computer again. Now I think I can become a contributing member to this forum.

I already appreciate all of the support I have been given here. You guys are awesome!

General Discussion / A Day That I Couldnít Control
« on: October 10, 2019, 11:11:44 PM »
Hi everybody.

Today marks 30 years since my Father died.

He was my primary abuser and is responsible for much of what I suffer with today.

When your primary abuser is a parent, it alters your entire sense of reality. All of the typical answers donít apply because the people that should give you strength and support are the people who abuse you. There is no place for you to find unconditional love, and there is no place to learn how to love and how to accept love from others.

I know Iím kind of rambling, but it feels right.

Normally, I donít give this day too much thought, but lately my Therapist and I have been working on my issues with him that still haunt me. This made today more present in my mind and therefore, more unavoidable.

I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am lonely, and I hurt.

I just wanted to get it out somewhere as I donít feel comfortable sharing things this deep with anyone, except maybe my wife.

Sexual Abuse / Re: Just diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood abuse
« on: September 08, 2019, 03:43:50 PM »
Welcome! Iím glad you found this forum. It is in my mind a unique place as I have never found any place where they actually understood cPTSD before I found this forum.

Please be sure to share your feelings here as people really get it and will respond in an understanding and compassionate way.

I have been slowly opening up here, trying to document some of my journey as I heal. If nothing else, it makes a great journal.

I hope that you find inner peace with who you are and what you have experienced.


General Discussion / Starting to heal
« on: September 08, 2019, 03:26:45 PM »

Yesterday I returned to youth coaching. Bowling, for the record, as I bowled in college and still love to bowl competitively.

Yesterday was the best day that I have had in several years.

Originally, I was coaching when I worked at my old job. When they laid us off, I had to take 2 jobs to replace the income and I had to work on Saturday mornings.

When I took my current job, the part time money helped, and so I kept the part time Saturday job.

The owner of that store suddenly decided to close in March of  this year. I was given only 2 days notice, but I had been promoted recently at work and so I seriously was starting to question the value of working 6 days per week.

Yesterday felt like such a success! The kids (age 7-12) are just at the age where you can teach them solid fundamentals and really have an impact on their game for years to come. It is also an age where bowling should be play and it should be fun, so coach Mike has only 2 rules: Rule #1: Bowling is fun. Rule #2: If bowling isn’t fun, do something fun instead.

Meeting the kids for the first time is fun, I try to take a very positive and cheerleading attitude when I am coaching them and sprinkle in a little bit about swing mechanics, balance, lane conditions, targeting, and of course, lane courtesy.

The parents are always funny, especially the first week. They’ve got to let you know about their child’s needs, strengths and weaknesses. I have one Dad that is a little overbearing with his son in his coaching. Fortunately, we have a policy of no parents in the settee area, so the boy just stays up by the lane and I can coach him independently of his Dad. He already commented that bowling was more fun yesterday.

By the end of the session, the kids were smiling and happy, I had made some new friends, and earned the trust and respect of more than a few parents.

This is a huge thing for me. I haven’t felt this type of satisfaction in a very long time. When I broke down a few months ago, I hoped that a day like this would still be possible.  I believe that this was a huge step for me, and I wanted to share.

I hope that it encourages others to keep working at getting healthy.

I’m sorry for rambling but I felt like I should explain why I coach and why it means so much to me.

General Discussion / Re: cPTSD is not a mental illness (??)
« on: August 22, 2019, 03:11:49 AM »
I donít think that we blame ourselves as much as it is the fact that we were conditioned to accept responsibility, oftentimes even when it is not our fault st all.

Hi Andy.

Of course itís ok. You did not choose to be abused. Abuse chose you. I know very well how societal stigma can seem invincible, but itís not.

Someone commented earlier that OOTD seems gender neutral and I believe that it is. I have felt welcomed here and validated.

This is a great place to share. I even started s journal here. My therapist has wanted me to journal for a long time. Iíve never felt safe doing it at home. Somehow this is anonymous enough to make me comfortable.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 27, 2019, 02:10:15 PM »
Not everything needs to be blamed on something.

Sound advice.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 27, 2019, 03:03:45 AM »
Every day is a new day. Today was a headache day, so no work. The doc tweeked my meds and I expected it would be a bit bumpy. My doc said that I should be fine, but I have also been pushing pretty hard at work lately, so it could also relate to that.

All I do know is that the new level of meds will titrate and when it starts to, things will improve.

At least right now I have the meds to blame.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 23, 2019, 08:34:56 PM »
Thank you for all of the kind words, support, and advice.

I appreciate this space more than I can express.

Iím at my regular dr. appointment today. I got upset again the other day and the headache has reappeared with it.

My therapist says that the headaches are my reaction to adrenaline, which makes perfect sense. Itís just difficult to learn this new approach to life.

I LOVE the Pete Walker stuff, that was really what I need to hear.

I have been alone on this journey for just over the past half century, and I have to understand that meaningful change takes time. Learning patience takes, well... patience, and so it goes.

I donít expect to ever be perfect, I remain a work in progress, but the pursuit of the self improvement and self realization is satisfying in the incremental progress that I make.

I love myself, but I, up until recently have not treated myself very well. I will try to show more appreciation for myself and try to learn to put myself first without being selfish or inconsiderate of others.

As I read these things, I notice that they are all filled with hope. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is the belief that things can improve. Hope is a good thing. It may be the best of things.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 20, 2019, 11:50:51 PM »
Well, maybe yes, maybe no...

I woke up Thursday with a horrendous headache and took the day off. I think the headache was from work stress, but I am recognizing things more quickly and trying to nip bad habits in the bud.

Many people who are really driven have these same issues. I just have to tell myself that me at 100% is better than most people at 110%, so I donít have to give 150% all of the time. 100% is just fine.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 15, 2019, 02:50:44 AM »
Things are continuing to improve. This weekend was more stressful than I thought it would be. I need to be more patient. And I need to keep telling myself that.

It seems like many things in my life have had a disproportionate sense of urgency. Itís been a pattern for most of my life. Itís never good enough, itís never strong enough, itís never fast enough.

Patience is something that I am unfamiliar with. I must find some. Then I must find some more.

General Discussion / Re: Noodleís journey
« on: July 12, 2019, 04:19:58 AM »
Two days in and itís been great! Exhausting but great! I have great rapport with my co-workers and so the love they they showed me as I came back was both touching and uplifting.

The way their faces lit up when they saw me, the hugs from nearly everyone (thereís a story there, but another time) made me feel so loved that I can hardly express it.

That said, I experienced a difficult time sleeping last night, which is always my bellwether signal, so I have committed to taking it easy while at work for at least a little while.

Iíll write more this weekend. Iím tired now and need to go to sleep.

Good night friends

General Discussion / Noodleís journey
« on: July 10, 2019, 12:27:25 AM »
Hey all. I just recently joined and I wanted to share some of the things that I go through as I recover from a full-blown C-PTSD relapse. I was in bad shape and didnít know if I was going to make it, but the episode is over now, the healing has begun and tomorrow I head back to work for the first time in 6 weeks.

Iíll try to add to it as often as I can.

Today, I am excited to get back to work. Not anxious, but actual excitement.

My boss and my company have been incredibly supportive and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have them on my side.

The past 2 days I have had some real peace in my life. Not a bunch of stress, just relaxation and rest.

I woke to an alarm today just to see how I would react and it went perfectly. (Long story, maybe some other time, but letís say that iíve never really slept very well.)

Thatís it for today. Iíll give a first day back report tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

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