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hey K92. sending you a 

and yes, for me, little rituals do help. it is powerful somehow to do a small action that i have invested with my own partic meaning. 

nice to meet you here. 

just wanted to say, Havithal, that i feel so angry for you that you were subjected to all that c**p and had to fight the giant bear for so many years. angry for you that the people who should have protected you did the opposite. angry that you now feel useless and broken when in fact you are a survivor, a strong man, a person to be admired for keeping fighting against the injustice of it all.  and the fact that being in a place now where you are safe, you have fallen apart, is something that i really relate to, and i know a lot of us here do.  you could never have afforded to do that before, now you can, and you can't hold the broken bits together anymore. 

so glad you shared, so glad you were brave enough to get all that out, it can't have been easy.  want you to know that you aren't alone. i know others have said the same here, but you've begun a journey that is walked by so many of us, the silent ones, the victimised ones.  look around the site and let what you read validate your own experience, your own feelings.  what you sense is correct. trust those instincts.

so many of us can't get access to the kind of help we need and end up falling through the gaps in the system.  but at least here we can help each other, 'the halt and the lame' we might be but we do know how to support each other becos we understand.

thank you guys for your b'day wishes, that was nice of you.

so tday i am trying to do a bit of journal.  my head is a bit of a mess so it will be rambly i suspect. but i need to try and keep doing this. i need to get out the stuff that roils around inside like a tornado building. i hope that will be enough to prevent me from getting worse as i can feel my mood getting lower and lower as time passes. 

the last couple of days i have spent feeling exhausted. today i slept for three and a half hours - not the best but i just couldn't do anything else. i feel like all my limbs have been dipped in concrete and moving is a huge effort for some reason. maybe the muggy weather, maybe the meds. i don't know.

i think as well that part of it is recovering from the birthday lunch.  it was lovely, don't get me wrong, and the kids got me some nice pressies which was so sweet. it was lovely to see L, my son's girlfriend again.  but i'm afraid the simple act of socialising for a few hours even with people i love and trust, was a bit triggering.  i just about managed to get home after it without falling apart but i was feeling very anxious and wired by then.  i feel guilty that even people's kindness and love can get to be too much for me so that i just want to flee back to my cave, but i realise that i have done a lot of social stuff in my life, and especially in the JP, out of fear of disapproval, the desire to please, or a sense of obligation and guilt and which taxed my soul to the limit. i guess maybe that's why doing even the smallest bit of social stuff now triggers all this fear and anxiety and desire to just be on my own again.  i hope i didn't show it with them, but they'd probably understand even if i did. and it was probly good to make the effort, not just for their sakes, but becos i should probly not let myself get so isolated as i do.

so wednes and today have been difficult days.  i am getting to the point where i am considering again whether i should reduce my meds in an attempt to get at least a bit of energy back.  it's so hard wading through treacle to achieve the smallest thing.  reading some of the posts about reduced cognitive function here on OOTS i realised just how heavy a dose of antideps i am on. and rather than becoming more tolerant of them, i seem to be getting less tolerant. i reduced the citalopram to 20mg instead of 30mg this evening; don't know if i should have done, but it was an impulse, i guess, in truth, me trying to feel like i am in control... huh.

i am always struggling in my mind about god and faith and stuff. i feel so bereft of the faith that i had but in all conscience i can't pretend i am a christian anymore. my faith in god of any kind is so reduced, so full of doubt it can hardly be called faith at all.  and though some would say it doesn't matter, to me it does, it really does. it feels like someone or something infinitely precious has died in the very foundation of my soul. the god i thought i knew and loved, and who i believed loved me, has somehow disappeared becos if so much of what i believed was based on a lie, simply manipulation and control rather than the things it purported to be about, namely love, goodness, courage, kindness, compassion, then how can what i thought i had with god, that sweetness and beauty, for so many decades  -have been true?  illogical, yes. but still the case.  all my realities have gone and i am stuck in a searing wasteland of unknowing.  maybe that's all there is. maybe what i thought i had was never real anyway. maybe it was a  part of the great lie that i was taken in by, the JP lie, the lie that says that goodness and love and joy and community of human spirits is possible.  turns out it was conditional on abdication of all personal control and boundaries. 

i feel so un-anchored nowadays. and my mind is still scared of thinking too hard about what i really believe as opposed to what i was indoctrinated to believe, there's still a lot of fear about reaching out with my intellect and considering the whole issue of spirituality and in partic my own spirituality, without the framework of doctrine that underpinned my paradigms, my entire worldview, lifeview, whatever.  but i feel like i just am not the person that i was moulded into for so many decades. i don't actually agree in my heart of hearts, with a lot of the stuff i based my entire life on.  what a muddle it all is. 

 

this is so hard, D/U.    sending you a hug and  for all the wise, if painful insights that you have gleaned even from the flashbacking the last few days. i know it's so difficult to see it, but you get stronger and wiser each time you go through this. only hope i wasnt responsible for making it worse    much support to you

today i am 59 years old.  i don't generally celebrate my birthday after having buried our baby the day before my 50th, but today i am going out for lunch with my son and his girlfriend.  and it's ok, becos he will be there, so i won't feel so nervous of being with humans. 

when i woke up i was awash with sad feelings. i tried to have a birthday lie-in but had to get up becos i felt the old guilt about being lazy and selfish and started to get all anxious. anyway, i got up, and gave the ratties a treat for their breakfast - porridge with fish oil in (urgh.. but they love it). they got it all over my desk and then one of them escaped and i had to chase her about before i got her. little minx. these four little guys are so important to me, i love them so much, and they give me so much affection and joy and make me laugh.  can't imagine how i coped before. and of course, caring for them makes me have to do things, which is good.
well, more later when i have survived my birthday lunch... feels so ungrateful but it's true, it's a tough thing to do. but it means a lot to the kids, so i do it.

oh amanda i really feel for you!  i second what the others say about posting. no one will mind, honestly. just do what you need to do - anything that helps you cope with this onset of cptsd. and i reckon that it is just that, the physical onset of it - it does seem to come out of nowhere, doesn't it? and it is totally frightening. i once had the ambulance out for what i thought was a heart attack. chest pains so i could hardly breathe. the paramedics wouldn't go away even when the cardio showed normal becos they were worried even tho i told them it was probably in my head. stayed for two hours. so embarrassing but reassuring at the same time 
that is just to show that what you are experiencing is not unusual or ridiculous. nor is it under your control. it's your whole system reacting to too much bad stuff and it isn't crazy. 

if you haven't seen it already, many of us would recommend Pete Walker's book cPTSD - From surviving to thriving. i know we keep banging on about it, but to be honest, with a few exceptions, it is probably the only resource that truly validates the cptsd experience. written unsurprisingly by a sufferer.  it explains about emotional flashbacks and stuff, and i found it , still do, very reassuring. give useful strategies to try when suffering flashbacks and panic attacks and stuff too. honestly, i don't get a  commission!
also suggest googling Bessel van der Kolk for some very useful info about the neuroscience behind what is happening in our bodies with this.
i have also had bouts of staying in bed.  i still would but for the various strategies i try and maintain (with varying success) that make me get up and going. some days it's just for a shower or some food. some days i can do more. i try to let myself off the beating for being so non-functioning and remind myself that this is an illness. and it will take a long time to get better.

anyway. i'll shut up now. just wanted to reassure you a bit.

damn i just wrote a long post and then lost the lot! 
here is what i feel, in response to what you say. i will try to remember just what i wanted to say !

first, i am so sorry this is happening again, D/U. i am not surprised but i am sorry becos it's so triggering for you and so hard to deal with.
dramasis is trying so hard, isn't she? she is desperate to draw you back into the family dynamic, and to retrieve an important part of her narcissistic supply chain.  i feel that her repeated harrassment (it is that, i think) is all to this end.  her wish to 'talk about things', and 'sort things out' and her apparent willingness to 'acknowledge her faults', and her 'hurt feelings' are all techniques to manipulate you into feeling that you are the one who is being unreasonable/immature/cruel or whatever. she is using adult conflict resolution tools to guilt trip you into responding. i suspect if and when you do, she will use your response,  even if it is to say 'i won't respond', as a platform to re-open discussion. what are the chances of her just accepting it, respecting your wishes and going away?

imo she is pressing some well worn and proven buttons here. you've already told her you won't be in contact with her. and why.  is there any point  going over it again, from your point of view? is the triggering you get from being harrassed greater than the damage you'd get from responding? 

would you feel able to block her email address?  or to relegate them to Spam so that you don't have to read them? seems to me reading them is causing you pain. so why do it?

i hope this is not too pushy.  whatever you decide you know i support you anyway.

It's just translating that into a course of action towards what I want that's difficult. The problem is how do we become our better selves from here?

i guess maybe we have to be content to move forward ultra slowly. i know for myself i seem to have used up all my resilience just surviving.. i know it sounds melodramatic but  i am amazed at how weary is still am and how fragile, even after a few years out of the situations that got me like this. i feel sort of broken at a very deep level and i am not sure i can put all the bits back together into something workable. maybe i i will never be what i could have been, or should have been. but maybe i can make the best of what i am now, and try to be proud that i survived at all. is that awfully fatalistic, or is it me being realistic?

 

what a kind post, resurgent, it made my day! thank you for caring and for remembering something i said that helped all that time ago! i feel really touched  and thank you for your support, it means a lot.

so. today's journal...
i am so muddled at the moment becos i know that i need to re engage with my emotions to stop the depression getting any worse, but without any recourse to treatment i am so afraid of going into another meltdown. your suggestion Resurvent,of co-counselling is a good one. i do have one friend who is also an ex JP member, so understands the cult experience and the effects it has had on me but she isn't quite ready to call it a cult yet, i guess she's not there on her own journey. which makes it a little sensitive for me to be able to be completely open and honest about how i feel. i don't want to confront her with stuff she's not ready to deal with yet.  other than that it's really just my GP, who hasn't time to give to the extent i need.  i would love to have someone i can really vent to but there just isn't really anyone left from all the ones i was close to who isn't JP or ex JP. i had to go total NC becos contact with them was so triggering.

i guess it's a conundrum i can't actually solve. and that makes me feel so powerless and makes the feelings of 'oh for goodness sake, arpy, stop whingeing and just pull yourself together, no one is going to help you but you' much worse.  and it makes me doubt that i am really ill, that it isn't my fault, you know, all the things that the IC piles on. it is so frustrating to know that i need to deal with stuff, don't have the resources or strength left to do it alone, and can't get any help either.  i feel as if i have spent my life being trapped, alone and powerless against circumstances too great for me. and guilty that i am not strong enough and brave enough to deal with it.

the only recourse i have is to live from one day to the next, trying to 'improve the moment' as they say, till maybe things really do improve. when i write it down like this the sick feeling of helplessness threatens to overwhelm me and i have to switch off with something brainless on tv, or some wine or some chocolate, or anything to stop my head. not the  best but the best i can do at the moment.

i think it has been good getting back on this forum, remembering that there are other people who feel similar to me, who maybe i can encourage a bit sometimes, who encourage me too.  that does help, it is validating. so i'm glad i did it.  even though it is sometimes pretty triggering.  the good outweighs the bad.

no, i didn't have any problems going on sertraline; it was a really good drug for me and i had a brain when i was on it. just the physical side was not cope-able with, sadly.  i transitioned from citalopram to sertraline, so maybe that helped as they are similar to each other.

hi amanda,i was so sorry to read all the horrible stuff that has been going on for you. i can imagine how deeply upsetting it has been. i just wanted to send  you my support becos i  know how overwhelming it is when our empathic, raw souls are hit with this kind of stuff. no wonder you feel so rough with it all.  i totally resonate with what Kizzie says - i have experienced it too and it is shattering.  and also with what you describe about living waiting for something awful to happen, i didn't know anyone else was like that too.

anyway, i want to share something that helped me at a time similar in some ways to you.
it is just privately to do something to honour the ones whose lives were so suddenly lost. not even becos you knew them but simply becos they were themselves, living and breathing and so of immeasurable value.  for example, i have pots in my garden with a particular variety of rose, some Hidcote lavender and some tulips of a particular colour.  these are 'in memoriam' of a daughter we lost.  i have heard of people writing to the person and burning the letter so the heart of it goes up 'into heaven' or floating it down a river to the sea or painting a stone, or planting a plant, whatever means something to you in your heart. anything that makes you feel you have done honour to the lost person/creature and their lives.

anyway, it really helps me so i thought i would share. much support 

i just read it once on the list of contra-indications, that it causes inflammation of joints or something. but that was after i made the link myself. there is some research done about sertraline/microscopic colitis too, but not a lot.  i guess it's a pretty personal thing, what affects one will not affect another. i know that on certraline the arthritis and joint pain is a lot less.  sadly not the colitis, but hey, can't have it all!!

that's wonderful, Kizzie. you're amazing