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I had no intention of contributing to threads about religion/spirituality.  This source of abuse is not my story, or at least I don't think it is (I have a brother who might disagree).

But I am struck now by the content of some of these biblical stories.  The founding narrative of the Hebrew Bible, in particular, is the story of a dysfunctional family, yes?  Or at least the story contains some grim elements:  near sacrifice of children by parents (if ever there were a cause of PTSD!), sibling rivalry and betrayal, abuse of power within a household, . . .

Somehow, these stories have not only survived but served to establish world religions.   

Not a profound or novel observation, I know, but one I can't ignore as I read.

Thank you for that, Dutch Uncle.  The distinction could be useful when confronted with deniers of CPTSD (though I've finally learned to be circumspect enough to avoid having to deal with them).

Wow!  What drama!!  What manufactured intrigue!  And all for what?

You have witnesses now, Dutch Uncle.  The curtain can come down on this drama. 

From experience, I can tell you that NC is a relief.  But the damage still runs  deep.

Congratulations, Arpy1, you've worked through this! 

Dutch Uncle, your story reminds me of the wise words of a friend, from many years ago.  She related something similar, seeking parental approval or at least recognition.  Like you, she is the youngest of three (not sure that matters).

Visiting me after a therapy session (hers), she said, "I think one of the hardest things is to stop going back to an empty well." 

The words have stuck with me for more than twenty years.  We may be thirsty, but the well is now dry and might have been dry all along.  I think I've learned to stop going back.  I'm not sure I've stopped wanting what could/should have been, but her word have helped me a bit.

Arpy1, what you describe is close to what I mean when I say I struggle to feel anger.  I mostly feel fear and otherwise am numb.  I think accessing emotions unrelated to survival and vigilance is one of my challenges.

But I can get angry on other people's behalf, as you just noted.  And I can be angry at some "secondary" sources of difficulty, as you may be with the cult.  I can blame, but I'm not so good with being truly angry in the moment, and in general, the moment is long past.

I think dissociation is closer to a kind of fragmentation.  When I've dissociated most markedly, I find I've done things unawares.

Southbound, your story is harrowing.  An entire day of "mediation" for what?  I'm guessing your FOO or at least some of its members was seeking to put you in your place, whatever place that might be.  Your story seems especially frightening, perhaps because I might narrowly have escaped something similar.

About twenty-five years ago, soon after I'd gone NC with my uNPD mother, she hired a "therapist" who called with an offer:  my mother would pay to have me treated for my "problem."  I was by then living far from my parents, before email or Skype.  This "treatment" was to take place by phone and through long-distance travel to my parents' home.  The "therapist" (I have no idea who this woman was) would mediate a family resolution through which I would "deal with" my "problems with my mother."  I answered back that my mother was the problem (after all, she'd named me as the problem, right?).  And the "therapist" told me that I needed not to "blame one person" for "my" difficulties.  Of course, she had apparently agreed, in advance, to blame me.  I declined her services, more politely than she deserved.

Perhaps only distance and timing spared me what you went through.  Your story represents a perversion of mediation, which is supposed to provide a kind of neutrality or at least a forum where all voices can be heard.  Instead, you seem to have faced an ambush.  And the presence of two mediators, effectively facing off, implies something more like a court proceeding with advocates for each side.

You were wronged in so many ways!  And someone working of the system (I don't know who or what system, of course) made this experience as brutal as a physical assault with long-term injuries.  You have every reason to rage and blame.  What other response is possible? 

I don't know how to access the anger.  It's my challenge too.  Instead, I keep "understanding," usually with reference to my parents' individual stories of trauma.  Yes, each of them, differently, had a pretty bad time.  That process may be what's got me stuck.

Perhaps you can start by telling your story here? 

You're right, Fairyslipper.  We can't name what happened without blaming.  Someone was responsible.  CPTSD comes out of a social context with unequal power.  My sense is that anyone who's acknowledged the conditions has somehow acknowledged the blame.  Whether that acknowledgment is public (and, if so, to whom) is another question.  As I've learned, some would like to deny the abuse or explain it away , often by acknowledging the abuser's experience and encouraging some version of forgiveness.

I commend you, though, for accessing your anger, though I'm sorry it took a life-threatening illness to get there.  I am struggling with that question.  I don't think I've ever felt angry.  Rather, I've moved from fear to sadness to a state of numbness where anger might better reside.  I've been mulling this question over for a while.

So if you're willing to discuss some aspect of the process, I'd like to know.

Happy Birthday, Dutch Uncle.

Getting acquainted with your insight over the past few weeks has been a pleasure.

Jdog, I wish you the best possible day.  And I hope the effort you're making to ground yourself gives you the strength to support others as well.  Or perhaps the process works better in reverse?

Jdog, I hope you're nowhere near the fires, which do indeed look terrifying and enough to throw anyone off balance.

The state of the world does remind me that I'm relatively privileged (certainly fortunate enough not to be a Syrian refugee).  I'm trying not to react to the news by minimizing my current efforts to confront CPTSD (that response kept me from addressing issues in the past). 

Perhaps food is a way of numbing the sense of threat.  I know I go there from time to time.

MaryAnn, just beware that people experience meditation differently.  Some are apparently ambushed by the quiet, which can allow demons to be heard.  Marathon meditation is usually not a good idea, I'm told.

MaryAnn,

I expect you've encountered Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD:  From Surviving to Thriving.  It's discussed so often on this site that missing it would be hard.  He's a clinician and not a researcher, unlike the other authors you've listed.  I found his only a few months ago, and I'm still amazed at the clarity and congruence with my experience.

Like you, I've been reading anything that looks potentially useful.  I'm about order van der Kolk's recently published book, which I hope will explain still more about mind/body connections and (maybe?) strategies for confronting CPTSD. 

Yes, it's a slow process.  One obstacle for me was recognizing that is really is chronic condition that can be addressed but never really cured.  I had not expected to be working on it now, but here I am.

I'll be interested to hear your thoughts about paths forward, along with what you're reading.

MaryAnn,

I've been practicing -- or maybe trying to practice -- mindfulness/meditation, at the suggestion of my T.  Like all practices, it doesn't solve anything directly.  The goal is to focus on the present, which can cut through some of the catastrophizing that many of us are prone to.

My T has recommended self-compassion meditation for mindfulness.  Two places to look on line are websites by Christopher Germer:

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/

and Kristin Neff:

http://self-compassion.org/

I've attended a few group sessions in the past six months (I live in an urban area with resources), but I've found lots of guided meditations on line. 

A thought about labeling boards focused on religion:  I think the word "religion" or perhaps "religion/spirituality" should be explicit.  "Belief," I contend, is too general and can encompass beliefs from many sources, lots of which are already covered in the topics listed.

Besides belief (that is, theology) and a source of personal philosophy, religion is about identity, community, and control.  It is for many an extension of family, for good or ill, and so has already been discussed in a number of OOTS threads.

While I appreciate all the sensitivity expressed here, I note that "religious abuse" is increasingly a documented phenomenon, as evidenced by its Wikipedia entry:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_abuse

So I'd suggest incorporating "religion" or "religion/spirituality" in names of boards.  Perhaps one could be something like "religion/spirituality as resource in recover" and be placed under "recovery."  Another could be "religious/spiritual abuse" and be placed with "CPTSD and us." 

Making a focus on religion explicit should be helpful to new and returning members, who would then find the index of topics clearer.

I appreciate the sensitivity expressed here, and I'm  well aware that someone might be offended by a post that fingers a particular religion as a source of abuse.  But the norm on this forum has been so clearly to avoid naming names that I think the risk is minimal.