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Just woke  from vivid bad dream.  More of an EF than anything but featured an old boss who really hurt and upset me.  Feeling pretty low now.

Not looking forward to work as am struggling.   Hating lockdown.  Feel like a pretty useless unlikeable piece of rubbish. (I kinda know that's my CPTSD talking, but I still feel yukky).

And I've not heard back from my therapist after emailing for an appointment this time last week. She doesn't usually take that long, and isn't the best at administration. I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me, but it just makes me feel she's not really interested.

Sending you healing hugs 

I hope you feel better soon x

Hi San and Mojay

Thanks for your comments. It's so good to feel heard and understood.

I've had a better day since, so feel much better.

X

Not having a very good day. Not having a good time of it at the moment.

My back has been causing me pain for some time.  It's really caused me some problems recently. I had injections into the nerves of the spine on Friday. I've been resting up since. As a result I've not been able to go out for a walk for a week (I had to self isolate from Tuesday).   I feel very cooped up. Thankfully I've had a walk today.

I'm not sure I'm feeling much pain relief.  I'm sure a chest x-ray and abdominal scan later this week.

I woke up this morning feeling quite emotional and worried about work.  It turned out to be a horrible day. Lots of difficult queries from difficult people. I've don't really have anyone I can ask. It's left to me to try and find out the answer.  Not support.

They decided to recruit someone to deal with similar work on other bills. That person would have been quite high up, and would have become  my supervisor. But the person who they offered that job to, turned it down.

Even when they recruit someone, they'll probably not know how my job works.  So I'll have to teach them before they can help me.

Mid morning I had so much stuff and emotions running around my head. I literally felt dizzy with it - possibly a bit of dissociation.  I couldn't think for about 10 minutes.

I thought about speaking to my direct supervisor. But I had my appraisal last week and it was decided that we'd just have to hang in there until the new person starts and takes over as my supervisor.

I spent so much of the morning feeling frightened and crying.   I really shouldn't feel like this.  Then I felt that it was all my fault. Feel like I haven't dealt with any of this correctly. Then beat myself up and felt stupid. 

Oh, my head hurts. But sure if I'm making sense.

I've emailed my therapist for an appointment.  But now I'm worried she'll just judge me

Thanks for checking in Hope.

Yes I did get a good night's sleep thank you.

Just come here to lurk... and sulk. 

Finding it difficult at the moment.   All the usual stuff: lockdown, back pain, lack of support and training at work, working from my bedroom, being in close proximity to people but not seeing other people for months etc.  Finding the news and social media triggering, so trying to avoid that.   

Found out from blood tests I'm vitamin d3 and b9 deficient, so that doesn't help.

Having an early night with some easygoing TV.

Hi guys

One of the self help remedies that I come across is mindfulness meditation.   I've tried this periodically.  I understand the concept, that I just focus on my breath and if my mind wanders, come back to my breathing.   I understand that it's supposed to slowly train your brain to be able to redirect your attention to the here and now.

I've also read that it's not always the best thing for a trauma survivor to do.  It can be triggering and heightened the feelings of being unsafe.

It wasn't a miracle cure for me, I didn't see much difference.   I found many times where I felt just as anxious afterwards as when I stated.   It also gave me an opportunity to overthink - which felt demoralising at times.  What I did like was it was 10 minutes of silence in my day, of time for me.

At my best I was doing 10 minutes a day for about 3-4 months. Sometimes I'd use guided meditations, sometimes I'd just set a timer and focus on my breathing.

I find the concept of mindfulness itself useful.   For the last couple of weeks I've been mindful of my negative thoughts.  When they occur I imagine a pop up blocker (remember those on the internet?).  I say to myself that I don't need to experience those feelings and try to ground myself where I am.  This kind of mindfulness helps, but I'm not sure if the meditation is for me. But then I worry I'm dismissing it out of hand.

What has your experiences been?  Do you recommend it? Anything you'd recommend instead?

Each Monday when I log on to work from home, I genuinely feel scared. Scared at what I will find in my inbox.  The same fear is there on the other mornings, but not as bad.

I'm scared that there'll be problems.   Mistakes.  But underneath that I scared people will be angry at me.  That they will disapprove of me and think I'm useless.

Experience and time has shown that Im not really in danger of being sacked.   But that doesn't mean I will not get into difficulties and have problems.   I've trained myself and I'm still on a learning curve.  I've not had much in the way of supervision or guidance.  It's quite a difficult job that can be technical and involves money.  But I'm still sure that none of this will help. I still fear being thrown under the bus.

Essentially this is an extended emotional flashback.   First to my dad who never approved and always criticized me.  I'm still that 6 year old who was bottom of the class.

Then it's my mum, who had high standards I never matched.  But her standard were mainly appearance based, clothes and looks etc. She never considered being kind or caring important.  Or persistent.  Or clever. Etc.  I just wasn't good enough in what she judged important and what I valued didn't matter.

It's a flashback to previous jobs too.  Where I would work hard and be overlooked for promotion.   Or a job I had where I was so keen to please that I overstretched myself and made mistakes or missed something and there was no compassion shown. Or a job whete people ganged together to lie to me and made out I was lying or misunderstood the situation.   It reminds me of people pushing tasks on to me and letting me know they thought I would mess it up or I was incapable of even doing the task they were giving me!

So I know what it is.  I know the baggage I'm carrying.   I also know what my employers have done wrong.  Both my bosses have ignored enails from me.  And both are aware of my anxiety.   My head boss had pushed me away and refused to deal with me on several occasions.   I've dealt with sticky situations that I've inherited and he has literally told me he's too busy to read my emails.  I pushed for meetings only for him to disinterested and then very offhand and rude. Then he's suspended them for months at a time. 

The result of all this is that it triggers my perfectionism and shame.  I have low self esteem  and crave approval which makes feel pathetic.  This launches a vicious inner critic to compare me.  And the resulting emotional pain is intense.

I have severe back pain that I'm waiting treatment on.  This is now manifesting as abdominal pain.  I suspect its caused by the deep emotional pain I'm experiencing.

I don't have a large circle of friends and I have got to the stage where I allow myself to avoid events for the sake of my social anxiety.   So one of the few triggers is work.  Even though I work from home for 4-5 hours a day it's still extremely triggering.

I am looking for another job, but due to the pandemic this is more difficult than usual.   However I have always struggled in whatever job I have had. I am still me, with my same past and same issues. I do accept that this role is particularly bad for my emotional and mental health through.

They are recruiting for a new member of staff who will be my new direct supervisor.   This could be a good thing, but also could cause me problems if they're not supportive and are judgemental.

I'm just so fed up of this emotional turmoil.   I often cry over my job and bottle up feelings.  I just wanted to record how unhappy I felt over it.

I was very fortunate, and I had a good festive break. In fact one my best Christmases. It was so nice and easy going. Such a contrast to previous years when my mum or daughter would cause so much friction.

Sadly, I had to work today, but at least I can work from home.  I discovered some cases that I didn't know about as they were under a code we don't usually use.  I'm not sure why these weren't on the correct code.  We inherited these cases in February and I have only just become aware of them. One is quite a large amount so I'm hoping that there are no adverse effects by me only just becoming aware of it.  The other 4 are overpaid, so there's no urgency to sort those. I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up..
But its hard.  I really need to work on my self esteem and perfectionism.

I feel very alone at work.  I've never been supervised.  I don't really have anyone I can bounce things off. Training is non existent.   I'm teaching myself and also trying to work out best practice too.  I feel very threatened if anything goes awry.   I have had problems for over a year and it never seems to get any better.

I found the afternoon hard as my husband is playing up.  I suspect he has some form of ADHD as well as OCD traits.  He can be quite stubborn and hard work at times.  And if you try and discuss how he's acting a barrier comes down.   I try to be patient with him as he cannot help how he is.  He has set patterns of behaviour.  But it's very hard as he's very childlike.   And he will not be as as accommodating with my anxiety or CPTSD.  It feels very much like a one way street. He can be very draining and anger provoking.

This morning, whilst working I realised I just didn't want to be there. My main motivation was to get through my work fast, so I could get away.  I realised that I'm constantly afraid at work and I'm in flight mode. And because of this I'm not focused on my job.

Because I'm afraid I miss things and rush.  I feel panicked.  I know that my job would be done best in a calm manner, with all my attention.

When i spot mistakes, due to lack of attention and panic, it makes things worse. Vicious cycle

I only work 5 hours a day.  How can I break this cycle.   Any tips would be welcome.

Thanks

It's been another difficult day at work.  Something hasn't been dealt with well. Whilst this was a problem before I started, I still feel I haven't performed well.  I feel quite exposed and inadequate. I am aware this is my CPTSD at work.

I've spoken to my direct supervisor and flagged up the problem and discussed potential course of action. She hasn't held me responsible at all and knew that the computer system was lacking. It's not a vast sum of money, so that's okay.

Despite this, I can't help feeling bad.  But unlike what most people feel, this feeling is an intense, dark emotion.   It goes to the very heart of me.  It consumes me.

What's strange is the kind of thoughts that worry and unsettle me.  The obvious thought I'd that they may sack me. The other thought is that someone may think bad things about me - that I'm useless. That thought scared me more than the  thought that they might fire me!  Yes, I'm genuinely more upset at the idea of someone negatively judging me that being out of a job.

And actually, as I think about what might happen, what really, really scares me is being told off. Someone being very angry at me for failing to do something or not living up to expectations. I'd do anything to avoid that. It's a flashback. A trigger. It reminds me about both of my parents.  It brings back memories and emotions of when they used to be disappointed in me and negatively judge me.  It hurt so much.

This is what I am really scared off. I don't want to be treated like that ever again. Ever!  I hated myself for being substandard. For not living up to their expectations. For being bad. For being not good enough. It was an isolating place to be. It made me ashamed of myself.

When my perfectionism fails to protect me, and my shame is triggered, it takes me back to that place where my parents made me feel bad to be me.

When I've tried to explain to others how mistakes make me feel, they usual reply "we all make mistakes" or "were t only human".  They don't understand what it feels like to be me. They don't know how painful it is for me to make a mistake.

This fear holds me prisoner. I'm scared to be me, scared someone will judge me and dislike me. Or I'm constantly filtering what I say and do to prevent offending someone or getting into trouble. I'm always monitoring myself and judging how far away I am from triggering a negative response from someone. I absolutely don't want someone to make me feel the way my parents made me feel.

When I go through a particularly rough time at work, I often start looking for a new job. But the one constant at every job is me.  I don't change, and the same situation happens.  Something will trigger that feeling in me.  So is there any point in moving jobs, when the problem is the programming in my head?

****Trigger warning suicide ideation****
Sometimes things will become overwhelming at  work, and I'll just have thoughts of not being here any more. The thought of not having those negative thoughts and feelings any more. Of not having to live those feelings that my parents put into me. Not disappointing someone.... Again. 

Those thoughts may seem out of proportion, but sometimes the thought of harming myself seem preferable to having those horrible feelings again.

Thankfully, I think of my family, and it's enough to keep me rational.

I keep on battling and carry on. But each time it less another little painful scar. And slowly it adds a little more pain each time I experience this.

Hi Bella

I performed well at school.  I was considered to be in the top flight of my high school.

I hadn't performed very well in infant school, mainly due to lots of absences because of really bad asthma.   I often found it hard to concentrate and motivate myself.  I often retreated into a world of fantasy.

However it all changed in middle school.  It was the first time I got any praise for academic performance. After that there was no stopping me!  I loved performing well and getting approval. I certainly wasn't getting that at home.

As I indicated earlier I continued being a model student at high school. I wouldn't describe school at a safe place, as I was bullied. But performing well gave me a sense of worth.

Sadly, that need for praise was a double edged sword. It lead to me developing bad habits such as perfectionism.  Also, no one ever guessed just how dysfunctional and damaging my home life was. All they saw was I was performing well.

Better day at work today. Quieter and more productive.

Visited GP who said she thinks the pain is coming from my ribs.  She's prescribed alternative pain killers and and a antacid (as she thought ibuprofen may be irritating my stomach).  I'm having blood tests, an ultrasound and an Xray.  Very thorough.

I'm glad I went. The fact that I was in pain when she examined me justified going.  I some times think I'm just being feeble.

It's been a tough day.

I've had a couple of cases, where I haven't necessarily done anything wrong, looking with the benefit of hindsight, I should have done something differently or dealt with them better. 

Then I have a case where I've been going around in circles, very frustrating.  I have no one I can refer my problem cases to either. 

Finally I'm  trying to make a claim on a really old case and I'm feeling my way as it's the first time that I've done this.

Feeling overwhelmed.  And inadequate. Things aren't perfect.  I feel exposed, that I may be trouble.   

Although I'm overwhelmed,  I'm not in melt down though...which is kind of positive.

I'm struggling with my back pain, that I've had for years.  My lower right ribs are really really sore. The pain is radiating right through to my abdomen.   I had an MRI scan at the beginning of the year and it showed degenerative changes (I'm getting old).  I need some injections, but the NHS is putting treatments like this on hold.

The rib and abdomen pain is getting worse. It's soooo sore. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but I am.  I keep meaning to call my GP, but keep thinking they'll say I just have to put up with it, or that I'm overthinking it.  But I'm fed up of being in pain.

Yeahhhhhhh

I've been awarded Employee of the month!!! Whoop whoop.

Finally, feel like someone noticed me