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Messages - Snookiebookie2

#271
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
October 17, 2019, 03:20:44 PM
Another busy and taxing day. Similar to yesterday, but there's much less rumination today.   I think this is partly because I have a few days off of work.  Looking forward to relaxing.

#272
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
October 17, 2019, 03:16:39 PM
Sanmagic7: thank you for your comments and support.  :hug:

Snowdrop: Yes, I fell back to sleep.  And thanks for your positive comments too.  :)

#273
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
October 17, 2019, 12:34:12 AM
Woke up. Can't sleep. Thinking of work.  Ruminating.  :fallingbricks:

Remember: I have CPTSD. This makes life hard.  I am just dealing with a difficult situation, made a little worse by my CPTSD. My limbic system is in overdrive, that's all.

Stay calm. Be focused. Be realistic. Be compassionate. Do self care. This will pass.

Right, off to listen to BBC Radio 4 - great for distracting me to sleep.
#274
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
October 16, 2019, 07:25:56 PM
Intense. Frustrating.  Irritating.   Triggering.   Just a few ways I'd describe today.

Not enough time. So many things needing my attention.  All involved.  All technical.  Just a few of the feelings I had.

I spoke with my boss and tried  explain that I'm beginning to juggle many things.  I offered to work some extra hours but stressed this was a temporary measure.   He was receptive  and offered to arrange payment of overtime.   At the time of the conversation I thought it had gone well, but snippets keep popping in my head and I feel stupid.   Damn my Inner Critic.

I should be focusing on my proactivity, that I took responsibility,  that I came up with solutions.   Yet, feel shame and self loathing at the phrases I used.

The thing is I think I'm in for a few more weeks of struggling and juggling.  It's going to difficult and unpleasant, but it will get better and easier.  My Inner Critic isn't helping or the intense negative emotions. 
#275
Recovery Journals / Re: Snookie's journal
October 16, 2019, 05:46:02 AM
Thank you sanmagic7 :hug:
#276
Recovery Journals / Snookie's journal
October 16, 2019, 01:18:53 AM
Hi,

Just rejoined the site. I can't remember why I deleted my profile a few months ago. Ironically, I was probably very triggered - so staying in the site probably would have been a good idea. Mind you CPTSD isn't a rational beast.

Anyway, I've missed having somewhere to come. And this is such a good site. Thank you for letting me back.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment. I've made mistakes at work.  I've posted about this before.  Work is a big part of my identity. I'll explain why. As a child I was made to feel useless and important. That was until I was about 9 and I started doing well at school. For the first time I was noticed and got positive attention. I worked very hard to keep up my only supply of positive attention.

As an adult I get the same satisfaction and reassurance at work as I did at school. So when I make errors, I worry my source of comfort is threatened.  My whole fragile world is threatened.

I understand it's a maladaptive coping system that I have developed. But for the most part it works. It's quite simply perfectionism. But it's what makes me a darn good member of staff.  I have an enormous work rate. I'm driven.

I work part time and I'm very organised. I'm taking on additional more complex work.  Also, there is a constant flow of work, which I can keep up with if I don't take time off. If I'm off, is hard to catch up. That combined with the new, more involved work is what had caused the errors.

They are relatively minor errors, all resolve-able. But they trigger my Inner Critic: I'm useless - they're gonna sack me.

But, I've recognised what is happening. I've come back here. I will speak to someone at work too. These are positives.
#277
Music / Re: Staind - It's Been A While
October 16, 2019, 12:56:15 AM
I love this band. Check out "For you" and "outside" by them. The guy that wrote them clearly knows what trauma is. I'm not sure how to link to youtube, sorry.

I found these songs helpful in my recovery, if initially a little triggering.
#278
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Returning here
October 16, 2019, 12:47:23 AM
Hello

I'm returning here after deleting my account a few months ago.

Thank you for allowing me back X

SB  :heythere: