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Hi San

Thank you for your reply.  Sooo appreciated x

I know that it reflects what kind of person my head boss is. He is insecure as he was lashing out at me on purpose to push me away. He should just have communicated to me instead of being mean and rude. 

My direct supervisor also said that I shouldn't take it to heart too. That the problem is with him and not me.

I think you are correct in your assessment of why someone is coming in a team leader. And it'll cut down on contact with the horrible head boss.

I have been applying for other jobs and have an interview on Tuesday.   I'm ambivalent about it.  It's four full days per week whereas I only work 4 hours for 5 days.  I like my current hours, it helps my anxiety.   The job was full time and they've offered 4 days instead,  so it's unlikely they'll drop to less.  I'm so fed up where I am but it's comfortable. 

I suppose I have to wait to see how the interview goes.  I may do appallingly and not get the job. So not point worrying about it.

San and Dollyvee

Thank you so much for your contribution.  I really do appreciate it.  I feel seen and heard.  But most important I feel validated and understood.

I spoke to one of the people I work for a couple of weeks ago.  He has always held me in esteem and told me he is to  nominate me for employee of the month.  I've made lots of progress this last couple of weeks too.  It'll be interesting to see if the management selects me as the winner this month. Or if I am being overlooked or ignored.

It's still nice to know that there is at least one person out there who appreciates me and my work.

Hi Dollyvee

Thank you so much. That post was fascinating.

Sadly, though, I don't think it's the cause of my experiences at work.  There are more women than men in the office. Some women are recognised more than others.

I feel it is a case of whether 'your face fits'.  Whether you're considered to be part of the crowd.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy posted a video on YouTube this week about behaviours of people with CPTSD that can push others away.  I think we do exhibit conscious and unconscious signs that can separate us from the crowd.  It's a coping mechanism.  And by keeping myself from the crowd, they become wary of me. By trying to hide from them, I become invisible.

I can understand how it works. I frustrates me a little that my actions and results don't speak loud enough to be noticed it rewarded.

No, I haven't taken her courses.  But she has LOADS of videos on her YouTube channel.  Check them out. They're quite good and useful. But she obviously doesn't divulge all of het secrets - you have to sign up for that.

I'd be interested to hear from anyone who's paid for the courses. Is it worth the cost?

You may know from my posts that I'm frequently challenged by situations. These are quite triggering.  I've noticed that my default mode is to blame myself and assume it's all my fault. I feel like a bad person.

In the last week, unusually, both my husband and daughter have had their own challenges and have felt pretty upset.  I've noticed that they do the same. They feel like they are a bad person.

When something bad happens to us we obviously feel a range of emotions - guilty and shame to name a couple. But then our brains add to that - it adds meaning. It tells us we're inadequate or that we're stupid. It automatically lays a story over how we're feeling.

To make matters worse, our subconscious then seeks out all the other times we've felt this way. It finds evidence for the story. So if you're feeling inadequate, it'll somehow connect to all the other times that this has happened.  This becomes a chain of wrong-doing that weighs us down.  It can be a slippy spiral downwards.

I think that those of us with CPTSD have a larger collection of those bad moments to join together in a chain.  I wonder if this is why we end up in the spiral more than others. 

I know that when I'm triggered, in a situation where I feel that I don't match up to expectations, that I fear the tidal wave of self criticism that will come. It's bad enough to feel bad about the current situation but to have my brain bring up all the other times that I've felt like this is the worst. 

I'm not sure if it's just unresolved trauma my brain is bringing up. Or flashing back to times when I've felt the same emotions. Or even my inner critic having a field day and chucking as much rubbish at me from my past.

Whatever it is, it feels to much to deal with, on top of whatever is going on.

I was able to speak to my husband and daughter and ask them to focus on the here and now. I asked they didn't make mental lists of all the other stuff that had gone wrong or of their perceived faults.  I told them they weren't bad people.  I hope it worked.

It was quite interesting to see rumination happening in two people who are relatively emotionally stable.  I'm not sure if it'll help the next time that I'm triggered though.

Hi Snowdrop

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and concern.  My week has been challenging but not total chaos.  I'm bearing up. 

Thank you

Snowdrop,

That was so thoughtful x

I've spoken to my direct supervisor who thinks my head boss was completely out of order.  She informed me that they're recruiting a team leader over me and a couple of other colleagues.   So I should never have to speak to my head boss again.

I am not sure about a new team leader  it makes me feel that I'm inadequate  and need supervision.   I also feel a bit usurped. I'm anxious how it'll affect me and where it'll leave me in the pecking order.

I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.  Only to find someone is coming in over me.

This happened at my last job too. I felt like I wasn't quite up to their expectations.   Quite deflating.

**pulls big soft blanket around myself **

Thank you Snowdrop,  it's a lovely blanket and your care and understanding is really appreciated.  Thanks so much for hearing me and understanding how I feel x

A friend has suggested that I'm being bullied.   I'm not sure it could be considered that from a legal standpoint but I am prone to being bullied.  My CPTSD is the root cause of the due to my self esteem being nonexistent and a vicious inner critic.

Hi Hope and Snowdrop

Thanks for your comments and hugs, they were appreciated.

I know it's the weekend, but I've checked my work emails.  My direct supervisor has emailed at 4pm yesterday (after I logged off for the day).  She apologized for not getting back to me earlier. She has something to talk to me about as there's changes to the structure of the billing and credit control team. She said it wasn't anything to worry about, but she just needs to fill me in.

I also got an email from my head boss. He reiterated what we'd discussed.  He also said that he's being pulled 100 different ways and that we'll have to postpone our meetings until the new year. I will have to email him and if it's urgent (only if it's urgent) then I can call him. He then said in the new year he'd schedule monthly meetings.

I very much doubt that he'll be happy or polite of I called him.  And I expect it'll be towards the end of January or beginning of February before he gets around to scheduling the next meeting.  I feel nervous asking him to diaries something now, and equally nervous at the thought that I'll have to chase him up in the New year.

I'm starting to feel that it's all me. I'm feeling like I must be unhinged.  I don't feel rational. 

***"TW self harm/suicide ideation***
I'd been feeling down for the last 7-10 days.  I've had some problems with my daughter recently (although they seem to be resolving with some emotional support from school).  In the UK we're part way through a lockdown again.  I'm working from home and all hospitality and non essential shops have closed and we cannot see our friends and family.  This time around school have remained open, so that means I'm in my own for upto 9 hours per day. 

As a result of all this, I've felt really down.  In the first lockdown my daughter was around and we spent time together each day. But this time around it's just me, so my mood is much darker.  I'd been thinking of self harm and have head suicide ideation.  But now this has happened at work. I feel overwhelmed.

I also know that I've had similar issues at other jobs that I've done.  I'm starting to think it's me. There is something wrong with me, with my thought process, how I react. I'm the only common denominator.

I know that it's totally ridiculous that my job illicits such a strong reaction and makes me want to hurt myself!

I also understand that the thing that's wrong with me is that I have C-PTSD. And that I function am quite high functioning.  But I still have the reactions and I am different to others.

I've had a terrible day.

My head boss has just had a go at me at the end of our regular meeting.

We'd arranged to have the meeting on Thursday.  He cancelled 15 minutes after the start time of that. He asked me in his email if anything was urgent.   I replied asking if he wanted to try again on Friday (today). He suggested that we hold it early at 9am. I sent a fresh zoom invite.

This morning when I logged on, I found that he'd emailed me last night saying he was busy.  I replied asking him to let me know when he was free.  He said 12.30. So I sent him a revised Zoom invite.

I rattled through my questions.  He really didn't seem interested.  He said that he had a lot on his plate.  And I suggested drafting things for him, for him to approve.  Or revisiting the issues in the new year. But I acknowledged that he's likely to be busy then too.

I mentioned a case that we'd discussed last time, which is very complex and there have been some developments.   I also mentioned previous cases where I was waiting on things from him.

At the end of the meeting he had a go at me for none of it being urgent. He was annoyed at having scheduled the meeting three times. He said he had other, more important things to deal with.  That all of it could have waited. He felt it could have been dealt with by a couple of emails. 

I said that all of the things I had were important and need answers.   That he'd agreed to having the meetings. 

He said he had other priorities and he'd have to think about future meetings and perhaps someone could help me.  I said if someone else could do it, just let me know.  He said that some of the items have been mentioned before (true because we never sort them).  I said that we'd had this before, that we need to discuss things whether by email or meeting and I'm happy whatever the frequency (daily, weekly etc). We ended the meeting.   It had taken 17 minutes - and some of that was general chit chat. So I had probably taken 15 minutes - bear in mind it's almost a month since our last meeting.

I am so angry.  I'm very upset and have been crying all afternoon.

I have rung and emailed my direct supervisor to raise this with her.  I'm waiting to her from her.

I have since realised that I should have pointed out to my head boss that he doesn't reply to my emails! Or his reply is that he's too busy to even read my email!!!

I feel that relationships have soured badly. I want nothing further to do with him.  I am stunned he was like that.

 

This really resonated with me.  Very profound.

Oh you all have beautiful and meaningful reasons for your names.   Thank you for sharing.

My name is a pet name or nickname that my husband uses.  He gives everyone silly nicknames that he uses constantly.  And as hes a little childlike, they have silly, playful reasons behind them.

I had a really bad cold and I was sniffing a lot. Which my husband called 'snooking' as opposed to sniffing.   Then he called me 'The Snookeroo' which I found sweet and funny.  That got shortened to Snook, which over the years became Snookie. Then it became Snookiebookie.  The name has stuck for almost 20 years.  He still calls me different variations of the name now.

I like being Snookiebookie,  it's like a sweet childlike name.  It's kind of stepping away from the harsh realities of life and being a child.  I don't feel I was ever allowed to a child really due to how my parents were.

I've thought a bit more about things over night.  I think my tenancy to micro-manage things is from a good source.  I'm trying to avoid problems in my life and in the lives of those around me.  It's driven by my generalised anxiety.   I possibly over think and see problems and am constantly trying to avoid them.  So it's got reason and good intentions.

However, I realise that sometimes it may seen that all I'm doing is picking fault. It could feel like a running commentary of what you haven't done right.  I'm sure that can feel undermining and could affect self esteem.  I'm projecting my perfectionism on to others.  That's part of who I am and how I survive. Again, it's got good intentions in that I just want the best for those around me and I'm trying to avoid problems.

However, I'm concerned how it does affect those around me.  My mother was very judgemental and was constantly putting her opinions on me. I don't want to be like her.  I don't think I am quite as bad as her.

The kind of thing I'm doing is checking my daughter is wearing her coat in weather ("you don't want to catch cold").  Or that she keeps an eye on the time I'm the morning ("You don't want to miss the bus").  Our she looks after herself ("A healthy balanced diet is important").    So you can see that I'm saying these things from a caring place. Whereas my mum would criticise me unsolicited. She'd criticise my hair "you don't want a centre parting, no-one has a centre parting because it's old fashioned". My clothes - "You should wear a maxi dress, everyone is wearing them. Why don't you get one, instead of always wearing jeans and t-shirts". 

So you can see my mum's comments were attacks on me, whereas my comments are aimed to help.  However, I'm realising that it may come across as a stream of comments to remind my daughter what's she's doing wrong. It could be affecting her self esteem and her sense of who she is.  And That's not my intention. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to undermine her or effect her self esteem. The same is could be true of other people too.

I need to be more accepting and loving and less judgemental and micromanaging.

It's not a major problem, just a small thing that I do from time to time. It's been difficult to realise that I do this, but I do accept that it is something I do.  I can see ways of improving. The fact that I want to change the behaviour shows that In meant no harm and wasn't doing it intentionally.

A couple of times recently I've noticed a certain side of me.  I can very very resentful.  This negative emotion always takes me by surprise.   I've previously mentioned that I actually think this is actually a voice from my inner child. She is telling me that she's lacking something that someone else has.  Something that she hasn't had, or that she's scared of loosing.

I've also noted that at times I'm quite judgemental of others.  I find this harder to rationalise.   I absolutely hate being judged.  I hate how harsh my inner critic is of me.  Yet often I can be judgemental of others automatically.  I'm wondering if this an extension of my perfectionism - that mentally I'm comparing others to my inner critics expectations.

I am struggling with the thought that I'm also the kind of person who wants to micro manage others.   That one doesn't sit comfortably with me.  I'm not a control freak, but I just don't want things to go wrong thats all. So there's genuine good intentions behind it.   

But then again, I'm not sure if I'm just beating myself up and finding sone negative things in my character and being super harsh on myself.  I am genuinely trying to be a good person and don't wish anyone harm. 

I'm feeling avoindant today.  That familiar feeling where I want to walk away from the world.  To become a hermit.

My CPTSD is at the heart of this feeling.   My inner critic is telling me I'm a bad person.  I'm aware enough to know the little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear is a liar.  Or perhaps skewing the facts; telling my one side of the story.    I know something has caused this. To use an overused word,  I'm triggered.

Thankfully it's not a major event thats aggravating my symptoms.   As usual, with me it's a perceived mistake.  I got something wrong. Or to be more accurate I think I didn't get some quite right.   While this should lessen the feeling of inadequacy, the fact that I've fallen short of an expectation rather than completely messed up still means that I feel bad.

It's a sign that I'm improving that knowing I feel bad about falling short shows that I'm remorseful.  And being remorseful shows that I didn't intend any harm.  I am not a totally bad person.

Despite all this, my inner critic is still persuasive.  It tries to tell me that I must have purposely tried to cause harm - deep down it must have been my intention. Those seed of doubt are hard to avoid becoming an existential crisis.  This can lead to hours of ruminations with fears of who I am and fears of who is hidden inside. 

At times like this I just want to switch of my head.  At times like this I find it hard to function and interact with people.   It exacerbates the problem and makes me feel worse about myself.  I throws up, starkly, how different I am.

The differences are: how nervous and socially anxious I am. I don't  know tge social norms of how I should be - things that should be said and done and things that shouldn't. Or how I don't have a sense of who I am. Or how ashamed I am of who I am. Or equally thay there are many sides to who I am.  It also makes me see how unresiliant I am.  How modest my achievements are compared to other.  How emotionally reactive I am.  But also despite that intense emotional reaction how paralysed I am. How fearful I am.   How childlike and unlike an adult I am. How complex my thoughts and feelings are.

And when I see how different I am, it is difficult to avoid feeling shame. Although I have learned some acceptance in the form of awareness.   So the level of shame isn't as bad as it used to be.

When I feel like this then I want to withdraw.  I just don't want to be part of it all anymore.   I want to step away from responsibility. I sometimes cannot cope with responsibility, it feels such a burden.  A burden to get it right and execute things successfully.  An expectation.

I just want to withdraw and be me. Be me in a small, unassuming, quiet way.  With no drama or trauma.  No expectations. And therby no failure or falling short. That way I won't fall short of the social norms and feel bad about it. I can be just me and no one will be there to judge me by their standards.  It won't mtter who I am, how I act or react, or how I feel. If I could withdraw forever, it seems like a safe space. But sadly I cannot withdraw and have no more responsibilities.   I just hsve to survive this turbulence, once again.