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Messages - Perplex

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Hey Jazzy, I haven't read the rest of the posts here so this might be a repeat... it also might be a not so conventional way of seeing it but...
I believe that personally some people do just want to be alone, either from their personality, environment, or upbringing. I would ask oneself...
- Do you WANT to have a relationship?
- Do you feel like you NEED to have a relationship?
- Would having a relationship fulfil some sort of desire you have?

If 'no' to all of these, then I see no reason why you should be pressured to seek some kind of relationship. I don't like the expectation that EVERYONE needs to be married and have a family - because I know some people just aren't up for that.
If however you feel you WANT a relationship but are unable to because of your unfortunate anxiety and CPTSD, then it's something you can work on and it's a goal you can strive for.
But if you want to be alone - not because of an inability/pressure - but because you deeply feel you would be happier in the long run, then go for your life! You're always going to get questions and comments from others, asking how your 'love life' is going or your friendships. But you can always tell them honestly that you prefer to go it alone. And that's okay!

This was probably a really abstract recommendation and you can take it with a grain of salt.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. Shame can feel so toxic when it's been embedded so deeply into your head.
It's maybe helpful to remind oneself that you're only human, and we can't be these perfect beings that make everyone happy - that's not what we're meant to do. When we make a mistake, we learn from it and move on. That's how it's meant to be done. Just because a mistake is made, doesn't mean we're somehow inferior or deserving to be ridiculed or shamed. If that was the case, then all human beings are terrible! We are flawed, but we are not deserving of shame because of our imperfection.

Recovery Journals / Re: Making a Change
« on: November 21, 2019, 11:51:54 AM »
Thank you again for the replies and encouraging words... I'm glad I got it out because now I can finally focus on making the next few steps.

@Blueberry: I've gotten a lot better at allowing myself to have "lazy days". I used to hate myself for not being productive but I've slowly come to realise that life isn't just... Work work work.

Talking about work... I've been fairly productive this week which really helps with my mood. There's still a ton of work to get through but my job expectation is to just "do what you can" so I'm not stressing too much about it. I thankfully have a wonderful boss who really cares for our physical and mental health. I really appreciate that.

I'm giving myself the evening to be alone after an unexpected encounter earlier.
I had met a man who I had gotten attached to because he seemed to share similar childhood woes with myself. It drew me closer but I started to realise he was beginning to emotionally manipulate me...

Trigger warning - my rant of emotional abuse
He talked about his history of violence towards others which unsettled me, he messaged me every single day and demanded a reply. I told him I had work and was very busy, but he said it wasn't good enough and made me feel horrible for not saying good morning. When I told him I wasn't going to physically visit him, he flew into a rage, saying I'm selfish for not thinking of him and his own wishes. The list goes on but those are the things that stand out.
End TW

I quickly went no-contact with him so I wouldn't let myself get pulled into another abusive relationship. I made the right decision because I felt a huge weight lifted off me after a few days.

Earlier I called my friends for a chat... But the first thing I heard was his voice, at my friend's house (they're all mutual friends). I didn't say anything, just quickly hung up. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it but I felt my heart beating fast and my body shaking...
I'm just allowing myself to settle a bit now.

Holidays & Other Important Days / Re: Opting out of Thanksgiving
« on: November 21, 2019, 05:20:05 AM »
Just not feelin' it this year. Not up to the whole cleaning, shopping, cooking, visiting thing. And what's more I don't feel bad, or guilty, or ashamed about it - I actually feel very positive. I've already told/texted everyone. I'm not even worried about the responses. This feels like progress.
That's great Three Roses. :) Taking self care to the highest level!

Sexual Abuse / Re: Fell down the stairs TW
« on: November 21, 2019, 03:20:41 AM »
I'm really sorry to hear that but I'm glad you're okay.
It's terrible that physical pain can in turn cause so much mental pain as well.

Introductory Post / Re: Yep I'm new here too
« on: November 20, 2019, 06:37:07 AM »
Just want to say that I've read it and I hear you. That sounds like an awful bunch of difficult situations. I hope you will find some comfort here.

Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: November 19, 2019, 09:01:13 AM »
Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

I completely understand this Sceal. CPTSD really does tend to make us see things in black and white sometimes, like looking into a screen that's only 2D. It's always so difficult trying to measure oneself... I think personally we shouldn't use the actions that take place as a way of measuring our success - instead, we could focus on the feelings and the fact you've made any effort. For example in your case, maybe if you can acknowledge that you have felt you've made an effort, then that's 'good enough'. Rather than focusing on what you've done or haven't done, just see what you've been ABLE to do with your current circumstances. Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. :) It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: Parents' Passing
« on: November 19, 2019, 08:49:55 AM »
This sounds really difficult... especially when someone who's abused you has seemed to change so much. I can't imagine how that must make you feel...
I don't have any advice sorry, other than to perhaps acknowledge your limits and keep yourself comfortable. Wishing you well.

General Discussion / Re: Saying No
« on: November 19, 2019, 12:10:19 AM »
Welcome to the forum, grace.

I can definitely relate to this though. And I think it's one of the biggest reasons why those with trauma have a tendency to gravitate towards unhealthy relationships. Once you've been taught that your emotions are not as valid as others', it ruins your sense of self worth and respect. We end up sacrificing our needs for others because it's what we think we must do - and thus, this usually gets us into even more trouble unfortunately.

But a part of recovering with CPTSD is unlearning this habit, and to give ourselves the respect we deserve. It's a 'practice makes perfect' sort of thing I believe, just at least have to start.
For me I had to first identify what a healthy relationship looked like, then surround myself around those people. Only then was I able to feel comfortable that I wouldn't be shunned for respecting myself, and I'm slowly learning how to say 'no'. But I still have a lot more practice to go. First I'll get good at it with my friends, then strangers, then my enemies.

Books & Articles / Re: Books
« on: November 19, 2019, 12:00:23 AM »
Just wanted to mention that in addition to this thread there's also a robust book section members can have a look through here -  :)
Thanks for sharing this Kizzie! I'm going to have a good gander of it later.

My own small recommendation, it's not a trauma related book but it has helped me overall with the acceptance of my emotions. 'The Happiness Trap' by Dr Russ Harris. I struggle with accepting low feelings a lot of the time, so far this book has been helping me to acknowledge them in a healthier way. But it's not directly related to PTSD so there may be some methods in there that won't work.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Today I am grateful .... (Part 3)
« on: November 18, 2019, 03:33:13 AM »
This is one of the things I feel is especially difficult for me to do - just be grateful. My FOO stated I had to be grateful of everything they did for me, abuse and all. Now it feels like a heavily damaged subject.
Perhaps I can turn it around slightly. I want to be grateful - not because of some 'lucky chance' that I've been brought into this world in a privileged society. I want to be grateful for MY actions and MY hard work.

I'm grateful that I can afford things with my own earned money.
I'm grateful that I try to work hard.
I'm grateful that I sought help to get myself out of bad relationships.
I'm grateful that I strive to love someone that really cares for me.

Yeah, that feels more comfortable.

General Discussion / Re: Small Tasks Feel Like Too Much
« on: November 18, 2019, 03:02:58 AM »
Thanks, everyone, for your input about needing to be crystal clear. It is something that I never noticed before, but when I was responding in this post, I started explaining myself, then deleted, telling myself that it wasn't a big deal and not important to the main point. But I couldn't let it go and had to clarify. My T would say to be curious about what happens inside when I am misunderstood. I'm sorry that some of you go through the same thing. I appreciate you sharing, though. It helps to keep me from self-condemning (why can't you just. .    :blahblahblah:) to a kinder voice inside (this is what happens when you are not believed. . .)

May I just take a moment and have a temper tantrum?  :pissed: Sometimes I am just so mad that big things and little things are so hard.

I am so grateful to all of you for your open sharing, care, and input.  :grouphug:
I just wanted to add that I really sympathise with you! It sucks when seemingly minute things feel like such a mountain of work. And letting yourself feel a little mad about it I think is quite okay!

General Discussion / Re: I Don't Even Want To...
« on: November 18, 2019, 02:59:04 AM »
That receptionist dropped the ball! ☹️ And then to have had the psych minimize your feelings... It's certainly a trigger-worthy experience in my book!

I'm sorry you went through that. I'd feel the same as you.  :hug:
Thank you Three Roses.
Receptionist was there to be helpful, not rude.
he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others"
I'm horrified that he said that to you. How dare he even compare your pain to someone else's.
I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.
It's not like you chose to walk through a door labeled "EF." We get swallowed up by EFs, not a choice. Please be kind and nurturing to yourself now. Hiding at your office desk for a bit sounds like a good idea.
I'm honestly a little stunned myself that he'd say something like that. I mean, they're the exact words my FOO would use on me. Why would anyone think that's a helpful thing to say? Thank you for your reply.
That sounds really rough, I'm sorry you were treated that way. Maybe it is best you didn't get too involved with them if it was going to be a bad fit though? Just trying to find a positive. :) You can certainly talk to your GP about medication and/or finding a new psychiatrist. I hope it works out well for you, and you feel better soon. Take care! :)
Thanks Jazzy. Your wishes mean a lot to me.

As an update, a different receptionist called me to organise a new appointment and ask why I didn't go to my previous one. I honestly told her I was too anxious and this lady was a lot nicer and understanding. She said "I understand you have CPTSD and that can be very hard to talk about". That was quite validating...

I think, I have enough courage to at least see another appointment or two, just to check and make sure the medication I have is working and maybe my psychiatrist will suggest some other things. But I won't pay too much emotional energy into it. I understand that not everyone is going to be very compatible or nice, some are understanding, some are not so much... but I won't let the small bad occasions impact my motivation. :) It's only a small amount of effort, then I'll be done with it.

It's amazing how different my posts are when I'm not in an EF! Hah

Recovery Journals / Re: Discovery Journal
« on: November 18, 2019, 02:42:34 AM »
What a great time I had! We laughed so hard. I lost out on some sleep and I'm tired but it was a well needed and rejuvenating trip.

I'm seeing how wide spread the cptsd beast really is! It's so prevalent! I see it in so many people who just don't have any awareness of it. Much healing is needed in so many people and families, mine included.
This is wholesome. :) So very glad to hear it!

Recovery Journals / Re: Making a Change
« on: November 16, 2019, 03:33:19 AM »
I'm sorry about your current and past problems with flatmates.

Wishing you lots of courage to tell your current one about moving out.  :hug:
Its great you're doing better, and It sounds like you have a great plan. In my experience, the people I've lived with has had the biggest impact on me, so it is super important to not live with those who hinder progress.

I know it can be really tough to make that kind of announcement, but giving her notice will allow her some time to find someone else, or another way to deal with those bills. Wishing you strength and courage to carry out your plan. Take care! :)
Thank you kindly...

This morning I managed to get out of bed... I filled up the fish tanks with some fresh water and had a shower. I managed to just blurt it out and tell my flatmate I'm planning to move out. Her response was better than hoped... she wasn't upset or anything. She said I've been a good flatmate but I find that hard to believe...

Now I'm just trying to relax but I'm going slightly crazy. I try to play video games for leisure and sometimes it works but often times I have some rather obsessive tendencies spilling out. Would you believe me if I told you I've spent literally 5 hours today just restarting this one game over and over?  :blink: I'm pretty sure it's my CPTSD wanting me to control everything, wanting everything to be perfect and the way I want it. So when a game relies on generated randomness... I have to start it over and over. I'm just glad I don't use that same perfectionism on other people. At least with my games I can do it in the privacy of my own home and I won't be bothering anyone except myself.
Though I feel upset that I've wasted 5 hours... I honestly didn't feel the time go past. I understand it's unnecessary, that I should be happy with the cards I'm dealt. But I feel so uncomfortable when things aren't exactly how I want them to be. I've spent far too much of my life dealing with my FOO's spontaneity and orders... so now that I'm on my own, the ability to just... press 'restart' is like an addiction to me. Just one small thing out of place? Restart... Just one small mistake? Restart... It satisfies my craving but you know, at the end of the day, I just spent 5 hours pressing a button.  :Idunno: CPTSD is really something.

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