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Thank you dear San. 

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

Sorry to hear about your difficulty today, Sceal. I'm hoping things will get better and you'll be able to manage the next few days!
And also happy birthday... Hopefully it's not a trigger for you but I just want to remind in a friendly manner that we're happy to have you here.

Thanks Sceal!

I'm more adjusted to the new medication now. I feel more accustomed to feeling better than I did before, so that's great. Still having trouble with sleeping though. I really wish it was better, I'm going to ask my doctor about it when I see him in the new year.

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I'm trying to make the best out of doing better than I have been in the past. I think I'll have to find a better balance at some point, I haven't even checked my phone in a few days, but for now I'm giving myself a "vacation".

Hey Jazzy, I find myself feeling a bit like that too sometimes - just off in some other world for a bit. Balance is important but also if you don't need to rush then taking your time before steadying back into a rhythm is good too!
Glad to hear the medication is settling for you.

Went to bed early and slept/rested in bed for 11 hours.

Now I've had the energy to do some very overdue cleaning in the stairwell and other communal areas. It probably was my turn anyway. Today I'm going to the farm early to get a start on Monday's work and am delivering something en route, so it'll be a busy day again, and Monday even more so.

Sounds so busy! I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're also getting your rest after your work.

Thanks for sharing this bluepalm. I'm not good at deciphering poems though I somehow still feel the painful energy behind it all. I hope writing it has helped in some way.

Thank you everyone. I had my first session of emdr with her yesterday. We used buzzers this time, I've not used those before. I found them good as was able to close my eyes too and really concentrate which was helpful for me. I went back to a time at Nursery School when I was going through a lot of abuse and looked at my behaviour then, we worked on me not being a child still and the person I had become. ( I feel very much as if I'm still stuck in that child's body and never moved away from that). I found the session helpful and has made me think and re consider some of my feelings so all went well. Thank you all for listening.

That's great to hear! I'm not only happy with your own successes but you also give me hope.

Hey Jazzy, I haven't read the rest of the posts here so this might be a repeat... it also might be a not so conventional way of seeing it but...
I believe that personally some people do just want to be alone, either from their personality, environment, or upbringing. I would ask oneself...
- Do you WANT to have a relationship?
- Do you feel like you NEED to have a relationship?
- Would having a relationship fulfil some sort of desire you have?

If 'no' to all of these, then I see no reason why you should be pressured to seek some kind of relationship. I don't like the expectation that EVERYONE needs to be married and have a family - because I know some people just aren't up for that.
If however you feel you WANT a relationship but are unable to because of your unfortunate anxiety and CPTSD, then it's something you can work on and it's a goal you can strive for.
But if you want to be alone - not because of an inability/pressure - but because you deeply feel you would be happier in the long run, then go for your life! You're always going to get questions and comments from others, asking how your 'love life' is going or your friendships. But you can always tell them honestly that you prefer to go it alone. And that's okay!

This was probably a really abstract recommendation and you can take it with a grain of salt.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. Shame can feel so toxic when it's been embedded so deeply into your head.
It's maybe helpful to remind oneself that you're only human, and we can't be these perfect beings that make everyone happy - that's not what we're meant to do. When we make a mistake, we learn from it and move on. That's how it's meant to be done. Just because a mistake is made, doesn't mean we're somehow inferior or deserving to be ridiculed or shamed. If that was the case, then all human beings are terrible! We are flawed, but we are not deserving of shame because of our imperfection.

[Trigger warning - my rant of emotional abuse]

Thank you again for the replies and encouraging words... I'm glad I got it out because now I can finally focus on making the next few steps.

@Blueberry: I've gotten a lot better at allowing myself to have "lazy days". I used to hate myself for not being productive but I've slowly come to realise that life isn't just... Work work work.


Talking about work... I've been fairly productive this week which really helps with my mood. There's still a ton of work to get through but my job expectation is to just "do what you can" so I'm not stressing too much about it. I thankfully have a wonderful boss who really cares for our physical and mental health. I really appreciate that.


I'm giving myself the evening to be alone after an unexpected encounter earlier.
I had met a man who I had gotten attached to because he seemed to share similar childhood woes with myself. It drew me closer but I started to realise he was beginning to emotionally manipulate me...

Trigger warning - my rant of emotional abuse
He talked about his history of violence towards others which unsettled me, he messaged me every single day and demanded a reply. I told him I had work and was very busy, but he said it wasn't good enough and made me feel horrible for not saying good morning. When I told him I wasn't going to physically visit him, he flew into a rage, saying I'm selfish for not thinking of him and his own wishes. The list goes on but those are the things that stand out.
End TW

I quickly went no-contact with him so I wouldn't let myself get pulled into another abusive relationship. I made the right decision because I felt a huge weight lifted off me after a few days.

Earlier I called my friends for a chat... But the first thing I heard was his voice, at my friend's house (they're all mutual friends). I didn't say anything, just quickly hung up. Maybe I could have been a bit more polite about it but I felt my heart beating fast and my body shaking...
I'm just allowing myself to settle a bit now.

I'm really sorry to hear that but I'm glad you're okay.
It's terrible that physical pain can in turn cause so much mental pain as well.

Just want to say that I've read it and I hear you. That sounds like an awful bunch of difficult situations. I hope you will find some comfort here.

Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

I completely understand this Sceal. CPTSD really does tend to make us see things in black and white sometimes, like looking into a screen that's only 2D. It's always so difficult trying to measure oneself... I think personally we shouldn't use the actions that take place as a way of measuring our success - instead, we could focus on the feelings and the fact you've made any effort. For example in your case, maybe if you can acknowledge that you have felt you've made an effort, then that's 'good enough'. Rather than focusing on what you've done or haven't done, just see what you've been ABLE to do with your current circumstances. Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

This sounds really difficult... especially when someone who's abused you has seemed to change so much. I can't imagine how that must make you feel...
I don't have any advice sorry, other than to perhaps acknowledge your limits and keep yourself comfortable. Wishing you well.

Welcome to the forum, grace.

I can definitely relate to this though. And I think it's one of the biggest reasons why those with trauma have a tendency to gravitate towards unhealthy relationships. Once you've been taught that your emotions are not as valid as others', it ruins your sense of self worth and respect. We end up sacrificing our needs for others because it's what we think we must do - and thus, this usually gets us into even more trouble unfortunately.

But a part of recovering with CPTSD is unlearning this habit, and to give ourselves the respect we deserve. It's a 'practice makes perfect' sort of thing I believe, just at least have to start.
For me I had to first identify what a healthy relationship looked like, then surround myself around those people. Only then was I able to feel comfortable that I wouldn't be shunned for respecting myself, and I'm slowly learning how to say 'no'. But I still have a lot more practice to go. First I'll get good at it with my friends, then strangers, then my enemies.

Just wanted to mention that in addition to this thread there's also a robust book section members can have a look through here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1 

Thanks for sharing this Kizzie! I'm going to have a good gander of it later.

My own small recommendation, it's not a trauma related book but it has helped me overall with the acceptance of my emotions. 'The Happiness Trap' by Dr Russ Harris. I struggle with accepting low feelings a lot of the time, so far this book has been helping me to acknowledge them in a healthier way. But it's not directly related to PTSD so there may be some methods in there that won't work.

This is one of the things I feel is especially difficult for me to do - just be grateful. My FOO stated I had to be grateful of everything they did for me, abuse and all. Now it feels like a heavily damaged subject.
Perhaps I can turn it around slightly. I want to be grateful - not because of some 'lucky chance' that I've been brought into this world in a privileged society. I want to be grateful for MY actions and MY hard work.

I'm grateful that I can afford things with my own earned money.
I'm grateful that I try to work hard.
I'm grateful that I sought help to get myself out of bad relationships.
I'm grateful that I strive to love someone that really cares for me.

Yeah, that feels more comfortable.