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Funny how writing on here can help me sort things. Pm'd mbr from my professional association, didn't even write 'if nobody else can do it' which is maybe a tad self-deprecating.

Anyway I originally came on here this evening to write something totally different.

I'm still having a lot of trouble using my own shower. Tonight I can go over to a friend's and use her bath and I hope to be able to propel myself over there. It's not far at all.

Back on Oct. 7th, I wrote: "Aside from my apartment being messy and dirty, I don't feel that well in it for cptsd-related reasons. I've had this before: not feeling safe somehow. One of my neighbours - the new business - mentioned a few weeks ago that he'd heard me showering.     My shower is above his place of business, but I can't help that. I also sometimes shower in the middle of the day, mostly because it takes me a while to psych myself up. So that's put me off showering." I  know what else is bothering me in connection with this neighbour but it's so hard to write. Partly I think "Excuse me, what was that remark about??" Why tell your neighbour you heard her showering?? But there's other stuff going on there too, making it hard for me to let the incident go and shower as normal. Well, I always had trouble with showering, I just hadn't been expecting it to get worse.

I'm sorry, Blueberry.. I can really sympathise with you. It's really sucky when the task that is meant to keep us healthy and looked after has been damaged by others. I wish I could send you some boxes of strength and safety.

Thanks Snookie .

This afternoon I went on my first journey since I started researching IFS.

I wanted to help the exile part that felt silenced, so I started by visiting a separate protector part that's been protecting it. It's been doing this by closing down my throat if I try to speak up about past experiences.

I thanked the part for protecting me and asked it what job it was doing. It told me that it had to stop me talking because if I spoke up, I'd be hated and abandoned. I told it what a great job it had done, and whether it was happy in that role. It wasn't, so I asked it how it felt about easing up and perhaps doing something else.

I felt slight fear at this point, which I recognised as another part. This was also a protector, using fear to keep me silenced. It believed that if I spoke up, I'd be killed, so it had to keep the exile away from me for my survival. It didn't like using fear and wanted to rest, but didn't feel it could.

I asked the two parts if they were protecting the same exile, and they said yes. I asked them how old they thought I was, and they thought I was about 5. They were surprised to learn that I'm now an adult, and could make adult decisions.

After some negotiation, they agreed that if the exile part of me was safe, they could both relax, and they agreed to let me speak to my exiled 5 year old. They accepted that I could give the exile part attention without her emotions overwhelming me.

I spent a bit of time with the exiled part, showing compassion and validating her. I told her that it was wrong of HB to treat her the way he had. It was his fault, not hers, and she deserved to be believed and kept safe. I told her I loved her, believed her, and would look after her. She told me some of the things she had experienced. I then took her to a garden where she could climb trees, laugh and shout in the sunshine, and sing with the birds.

I then went back to the protector parts. They could see that the exile is being heard, is happy and in a safer please. They agreed to ease off, and I felt as though they trusted me more.
We all agreed that I would go back to the exile part, spend more time with her, and help her unburden.

Using IFS theory as part of journeying is fascinating. There's still a fair amount of instinctiveness about it, but it feels as though using IFS has refined things. I feel as though I've been handed an upgraded roadmap.

This sounds all really enlightening! And a few parts of it really resonated with me too. I'm glad it's working for you in some way! I like your analogy.

The other day when I was feeling frustrated and down on myself for indulging in compulsive behaviour without thinking it through I caught myself thinking "I'm trying so hard to be a better person", and then thinking "Wait, that's not true.  I don't need to be a better person.  What I need is to get better at being a person."  That went along with another thought that flashed through my mind at some point this week, that my quest is to accept myself as I am while continuing to work towards being the best version of myself that I can.

There are plenty of healthy thoughts in here, but what a war it is between the healthy parts of me and the parts of me that are programmed to force me to be ill.

That sounds like great progress, Bach! I'm in awe. I hope you don't mind if I steal that tip for myself.

I missed out on today's psychiatrist appointment because of my anxiety. I walked up to the counter, said I had an appointment but couldn't remember who with. Receptionist told me to find out and I pretended to look on my phone but I just... Walked out. I don't even know if I want to see this psychiatrist anyway... Last session he gave me the usual CPTSD diagnosis but I couldn't open up about my trauma and he ended up telling me my issues aren't "as bad as others" which shunned me into an EF... Further closing myself up. My heart feels all tight and I'm just really upset and angry.  Do I even want to see this doctor? Not really... I only wanted to get proper advice for medication, and I've got my medication now. So can't I just not show up? Maybe my GP can prescribe me with more... I don't know. I don't know...

I'm just going to hide at my office desk for a while... Try and get myself out of the EF I just put myself in.

I'm sorry if this is not the right place for the thread.
I was curious as to learning a bit more about what others and their different parts are like... And by parts I mean the little personalities that come out when particularly dissociative.
Are most parts good? Are some bad? How many do you think you have? Have they ever come out in front of other people? How did it go?
Only share if you want to obviously...

Sat outside... didn't want to go in today.

Then.... we didn't. No exposure happened. I wasted a whole session and feel empty inside.

Maybe I'm irreparably broken? Maybe I'm spinning my wheels? Maybe I'm a waste of space. 

Hey Deep Blue, I don't think you're irreparable. Things take time... and that's okay. You'll get another chance, everyone does. You still have many opportunities. Just do whatever is comfortable for you. Only you know when you're ready.

[Trigger warning - sexual]

Things won't change unless you make an effort TO change things. So this is my current plan...
- Be more active on OOTS as a support line.
- See my therapist and psychiatrist.
- Take my medication.
- Continue reading various self help books.
- Look for a new house to rent.

Yesterday I saw my therapist and I opened up a little about my identity dissociation episodes and my 'other parts'. I realised though that I seem to dissociate a lot less. It used to be almost a daily occurrence when I was still with my FOO. I dissociated a week ago I think... but that was the first time in a month? So, I think that's good progress.

But at the moment it feels like my life at home is... stagnating. I live with a flatmate which really impacts my recovery I believe. When I walk into the hallway I just don't feel... safe or comfortable. Doesn't help that my past experience with a previous flatmate didn't turn out so great.
Trigger warning - sexual
It was stupid really. He talked about the dangers of being around someone a lot older than yourself, yet he was the one to make the sexual advance on me... thanks for ruining my own home.
End TW
My current flatmate is okay but she's taking up a lot of space and I can't use said space to really look after myself. I know especially that healthy meals and a good diet will improve overall health, but I can't cook when the kitchen is a constant mess. 

My current obstacle is plucking up the courage to tell her I'm looking to move out. I feel an immense pang of guilt, feeling like I'm practically throwing all the bills onto her as soon as I leave. It feels like... if I tell her I'm moving out I might as well be saying "Have fun struggling on your own".

I had  frustrating afternoon,  that was almost frightening.   I needed to make changes to an online portal that I use for work.  After three phone calls and several emails I'd gotten nowhere. So I tried to fix the problem myself.  I made it worse! I nearly deleted my access!!  I cannot  do my job without  access.  So in panic, I had to call again and got cut off again. So I called AGAIN!

Eventually,  my access was reinstated.  Phew.  I also sorted the original problem.

I am really  feeling like I can't do right for doing wrong ATM.   The harder I try the less successful things are.  Perhaps  I should try less...

I wish I could just switch my head off for a week! And then reboot myself.

I get hassled and pestered all the time and never truly switch off.  I often think of booking a hotel nearby and just laying and watching TV for 24 or 48 hours,  alone and peaceful.   It might help reboot my brain and my mood.

I'm feeling run down. I'm suffering from blurred vision in one eye, dizziness and vertigo.   I almost passed out.  I'm assuming it's stress or tiredness. Or too much cortisol or adrenaline.

So I'm having a lazy evening......a bit of self care

That all sounds really tiring and frustrating... I hope you will take the time to practice that self care a bit. It's deserved after such a long day.

[Trigger warning - Emotional abuse]

I'm still not the best at picking up red flags in abusers, however I am getting better at speaking up about the interactions I have - which in turn helps me to avoid people that might hurt me again. I've been talking to my therapist about tone and language, trying to determine when someone is being aggressive, assertive, or passive... I think I'm slowly making progress.

But I mainly wanted to commend myself because a month ago I went no contact with someone who was slowly getting a hold of me. I sort of had an inkling that his words were manipulative, and whilst I couldn't completely figure it out on my own, I did at least seek help about it.
Trigger warning - Emotional abuse
He kept pushing blame onto me, stating I HAD to talk to him every day, had to say good morning. When I told him I had work to do, he said it wasn't good enough. He said he wasn't asking for much so I should follow his demands. When I changed my mind about coming to see him face to face, he became furious with me, saying I wasted his time and efforts, saying that I only think of myself.
End Trigger
But the thing is, I noticed it was abusive and I actually took a step back.  So I'm happy about that.

But now my next challenge is to deal with this friend of mine... he's not abusive per say but I feel that I still need the same amount of courage, confidence, and self worth to be able to set boundaries between us. Being around him triggers my EFs and I need to learn to just... let go. I've known him for 7 years, which has made it hard to end that commitment. But I'm trying to tell myself that it's the best for me. I just can't be around someone who makes me feel like an idiot...

Overall though, it's progress!

I understand the feeling, Sceal. People hardly look deeply into what we're experiencing to truly understand what we go through. But we don't want to make a scene either to get their attention. It's a horrible balance between wanting to be heard but not wanting to cause a fuss.

This is an odd recommendation but sometimes I like to put on the radio in a different language.  For me, I listen to Russian radios because I'm trying to learn the language. For me at the moment, it all seems like nonsense and gibberish... but there's no English words there that trigger me, it's just... voices, company that soothes me. I listen to them speak and the only thing I can focus on then is the way they speak, the inflexions and syllables. And if I can focus on that, it stops me from ruminating and focusing on the subject itself - thus preventing triggers!

I don't know what to say that can immediately help but I want you to know that I understand the pain. I especially sympathise with your lack of enjoyment... life feels so hard without that ability to just... love things.

When I want to gently celebrate, I try to make my own comfortable living space as calm as possible. Choose your favourite and safest room in the house, light a scented candle, have your favourite kind of tea, and I generally try to do something that is more hands on - like puzzles in a book, or reading a magazine.
Congratulations though!

This is really great! Thanks for sharing.

#1. I'm back from a week of holiday. I've always been afraid of going on leisure trips since... things usually go wrong. But this one actually went pretty well!
#2. My pets are doing okay.
#3. I've discovered some harsh truths about a certain person, but whilst they're rather negative truths, knowing said truths make me feel more comfortable than not knowing at all.