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[Trigger warning - Emotional abuse]

Trigger warning - Emotional abuse
I'm LC with my FOO right now... I keep thinking "It'll be fine, they're better people". I keep making the same mistake. Was only going to stay the night with a friend... for reasons that would be too in depth to explain here. Thought it would actually be peaceful, enjoyable.

My M suddenly informed me that she was picking F up from the airport that night. Then she mentioned cleaning and how he'll be angry if we don't get the place clean. Then the flashbacks hit me, seeing his anger directly in my mind, feeling my entire body go cold and numb - I remembered how every single day after school... having to clean everything before he gets home otherwise I'd face the repercussions. I remained silent for a while and walked outside to be alone for a minute to try and calm myself down.

My M followed me and started insulting me, telling me I was anti-social and disrespectful to my friend there. Said I was selfish for not thinking about his needs. But that wasn't a flashback, she was actually saying it to my face like she had done for years and I couldn't... I snapped and ran off to cry in the darkness of my backyard.

And just something small... (though it made me lose my mind) - coming back to the house after my M's stressed cleaning, I found she had thrown out the little donut I bought for myself. She claimed "I didn't know there was anything in the bag" but to be honest, I just don't think she cared. The bag very obviously had something in it, and the bag wasn't even hers. Throwing away any little pleasure I could ever give myself. That sums it up alright. I realise this is so small of an error but.. surely it's small enough for her to actually care then?

I need to stay firm to this low contact thing. I'm going to ruin myself if I keep giving them chances. I ended up getting a taxi back to my own place with my friend. It's cramped but I feel safer... I wanted to leave before having to meet my F again. I still feel like I'm in a bit of an EF, so anxious, jumpy yet depressed at the same time. I dream of the day I can turn this LC into NC. I really really wish...

This all sounds incredible! I'm really glad you've found it to be comfortable. 10 years is a long time but the fact you're still going and making progress is absolutely inspiring. Here's hoping you'll be able to really get something out of your new therapy.

Hi Perplex and welcome to OOTS. I too have a scrip for beta-blockers and have found them incredibly helpful in easing physical symptoms--shaking uncontrollably, heart pounding, trouble breathing. I don't take them every day, but when I need one, I am grateful I have them.
I've heard conflicting thoughts on beta-blockers as well and spoke to my ND regarding. She thinks they are a good fit for me--to use as needed. I didn't want to go on a 24-7 kind of med if I didn't absolutely have to. Do you mind my asking if the psychiatrist you spoke with said why they didn't recommend you continue taking them?

Thanks for posting.

Thanks MoonBeam,

To be honest I think the psychiatrist just didn't understand what I'm using them for. He mentioned that beta-blockers aren't a cure for anything, and I understood that and told him so. But he seemed to be under the impression that it's what I was relying on, which is not the case at all. Beta blockers definitely aren't there to 'make everything better'. I use them because I don't like unnaturally sweating in front of people, or because I need to concentrate on my work and can't have the shaking get in the way. I use them because despite me telling myself it's okay, my body still says otherwise. So yeah... I get where my psych was coming from but I think he misunderstood me.

I understand the pain, Sasha. Especially the thinking part. The world around could be so peaceful yet our inner minds in such turmoil. It happens like that sometimes... But I think you'll be able to manage it all! Just one step at a time.

Hey Snookie,
I really empathise and feel that struggle. I would probably feel quite snappy in your position as well. If your husband/child doesn't understand, at least entrust that we do. ^^ You're not alone.

Thank you all. I'm happy and sad at the same time that I can relate to you all. I feel a bit more prepared... If and when he asks. It just always stuns me how a person can seem so.. in denial that some families aren't good.
Thanks again, and Three Roses for taking special effort to think about it.

Regards,
Perplex.

[Trigger Warning - Physical/Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Death]

Trigger Warning - Physical/Emotional Abuse, Neglect, and Death
The Negative Stuff
I have very little contact with my M, but recently she told me that whenever her cat starts getting 'bitey', she squirts it with water, or throws it off her hand and then harshly growls at it. Later I had the cat under my own care for two weeks, I couldn't understand why M would ever need to do any of that to the cat. He was quite lovely actually and if he ever was 'bitey', I just wouldn't encourage it, that's all. The cat I believe ended up getting more attached to me, he sits on my lap but not hers. But it got me thinking... if she has such an over exaggerated punishment for the cat's simple 'wrongdoing'... it wouldn't be surprising if her own punishment of myself was over exaggerated as well. Am I maybe seeing signs where there aren't any? Is this a huge assumption to make? Not sure... I struggle a lot with believing in my trauma but I feel that.. little things like this help see it a little more clearly. I didn't like seeing how she would fling the cat off her when it was playful. I know it's an animal and I'm not but I still feel the association somehow.

A much earlier example in my childhood was the new dog, belonging to my F and M. That was a very clear indication that there was something wrong in my family. F's punishment style was to hit and yell, and I don't think it did the dog any favours. The dog was obsessive, untrained, and a danger to every one around. It had to be put down due to its aggressiveness. If that's not a sign of a traumatic childhood, what is?

My M had rabbits that were untrained and almost starved due to negligence, they ended up running away (good for them). A bird that was bought and then forgotten about in a cage in the backyard, which she later sold. I feel like I had more pets than that but I can't seem to remember now...  But it's all just so... sad.
Sorry, most of this rant was just to validate my CPTSD a bit more again...

The Positive Stuff
However... it took me a long time but I did eventually work up the courage to get myself a pet - just for me. This sort of.. grew. And now I have two fish tanks with about 30-40 fish, and a skink in her own terrarium. I'm slowly learning to feel affection for pets again. I really suppressed any kind of love towards animals because I always have this feeling that they will be taken from me. There's always this anxiety in me that I have over my pets, but I'm getting better... and I'm doing my best to take care of them and not follow in my FOO's footsteps. So, hooray for me? 

Sorry for the long rant. Also sorry if this is in the wrong category of the forum. I'm still wrapping my head around it...
I wouldn't mind hearing about others' experiences with their FOO and pets if they are comfortable to do so of course.

Thanks everyone for your kind responses. They mean a lot.

I slept relatively well last night. I've had insomnia trouble for the past couple of months, but this week it's improved, and last night was the first where I didn't wake up in the middle of the night. There are several things which I think have helped:

1. Doing more Qigong practice over the past week, including in the mornings.
2. Posting here even though (because?) it made me cry.
3. Feeling less overwhelmed about deadlines. My head knows I can meet them all, but my emotions had doubts. I now know and feel I can do this.
4. Dissolving last night, and using an EF state to connect to trauma blockages.
5. Reading the Paul McKenna sleep book, and beginning to put things into practice. The sleep hypnosis track is fab, but I can't tell you much about it .
6. Tapping. I downloaded the 
Tapping Solution app, and there are a couple of free sessions on sleep. I respond well to tapping, and it would be helpful if I did more.

I'm also feeling much better emotionally today. I think I'm out of EF mode, and all the above plus sleep will have helped.

Way to go, Snowdrop. Looks like you've made a good effort of the day overall!

I can really understand... I know how hard it can be to meditate. The idea for most meditation is to let your thoughts go, think of nothing... but... When you have a million and one thoughts with the anxiety of your safety.. it's so difficult.

I personally don't believe that it's your responsibility to take care of someone like that. There are many resources out there, professionals and experts who can handle it in such a way that helps both parties. But looking after yourself is the most important thing.
Every time I struggle with that guilt of caring for others, I remember this... If you go on an air-plane, they always say that 'in case of emergencies, put your oxygen mask on first'. Many would immediately feel hesitant about this, preferring to protect the others around them that cannot help themselves. However, if the first thing you do is start handing out masks, you'll realise you're running out of oxygen - and you won't be able to help anymore, not even yourself. That's why they ask you to help yourself first, because once you're okay, it makes it a lot easier to do anything for others.
Of course, with CPTSD it's even harder to do these sorts of things. I believe it is important to set a line between others that might hurt you, take care.

Regards,
Complex.

But every few weeks this coworker in particular asks me "Have you told your parents yet"?... So what do I say? I try to be honest yet closed off at the same time which then... gets me into situations like this.

How about, "No, I'm not going to tell them. They wouldn't understand." or "I feel uncomfortable talking about this with you."

Sorry yeah. I realise how obvious the answer to my question must be. Somehow I keep forgetting I can set boundaries. I like your first sentence though, I might use that. I don't want to shrug my coworker off and make him feel like I can't trust him or anything. It's easier to just direct the conversation onto my FOO I suppose.
Thank you all. I will try to gather up some courage.

Regards,
Complex

My immediate impulse was to throw eggs at a wall. Not that I could do that in a car... But that was my impulse and it's a step forward too actually because I didn't injure myself nor have any impulse to do so. Nor did I start screaming hysterically the way I supposedly did in my teens when feeling verbally /emotionally / psychologically overpowered by B1.

That must be such a welcome change! I feel that these better impulses and reactions in your dreams are especially a good sign - with dreams being mostly uncontrollable and all... It's like your subconscious fighting against your past reactions.

I hope this is okay to ask. Let me know if not...
I was wondering if it's common for those with CPTSD to have parents with relationship troubles? If that makes sense. For example, splitting, divorce, etc.
Personally I was born to a single mother after my biological father left her. My mother threatened divorce with my step father many times and constantly moved in and out with him.

Regards,
Complex.

This is great just what I needed today I laughed and laughed Kat u have a wonderful sense of humour you all cheered me up, I've played cards against humanity as well people were a bit shocked at my dark sense of humour as well, my husband also has an equally dark sense of humour and were often the only two laughing at some sick comment or event or whatever it is, I wonder if an especially dark sense of humour is an indication of trauma?
I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching my hair and my husbands mother used to forever pat my hair my husband used to stand out her view and smile at me knowing it was torturous for me but also knowing I would never say anything to her because she was such a sweety I wouldn't hurt her feelings. This always made me feel much better watching him laugh at me squirming and seeing the humour in it. Maybe humour decreases your level of pain or discomfort and so we reach for it more readily dunno but something like this must be going on
Very interesting topic

This intrigues me as well. I have a dark sense of humour and the only explanation I can come up with is the fact that I may just be desensitised to it.

All this chatter about being startled reminds me of my frequent jumps. My coworker sometimes accidentally scares me as you can't really hear him coming. He'll say something behind my back and I'll swear in a fright. The funny thing is, he's so small and tiny. I'm like an elephant startled by a mouse. I've also had occasions where I'm lying on the bed twitching my foot idly and then I'll startle myself because I see something moving in my peripheral vision. I have to laugh at myself then.

Regards,
Complex.

[notalone]

Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.

...indeed.

Thank you notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff 

Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.

Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.

This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.

Your post's positivity really radiates with me. I know how hard it can be to fight that guilt. I'm rooting for you and your tomorrow endeavours!