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I got up this morning for work and just could not face it. Wednesdays are always a busy day with the office being full which I find so awkward and triggering. I sit alone downstairs on reception with the main office space being upstairs and I always feel left out. It's a weird environment where people mostly work in silence save for a few conversations which always feels awkward to walk in and out of because I never know whether I should make an effort to speak or whether they just want to be left alone. Some days are better than others and the mood in the office can greatly lift or plummet depending on how easy a job has gone or what kind of mood the boss is in.

Today I just could not face the spontaneity of it. My car needs petrol and I was already running late and I just froze because I was getting overwhelmed and could not face driving an hour there only to be on edge and triggered for several hours, then driving an hour back and only having a few hours in the evening to recover. I of course called in sick rather than giving all this as a reason as no-one would ever get it.

Does anyone else here do this from time to time? I feel a bit guilty but just know I needed this today.

(Edit: Just to warn you I describe a nightmare below which could be triggering.)

I was thinking before going to sleep the other night how I was starting to feel a bit more level headed and better about where I'm at right now after 18 months of no contact with my N father. I even started to feel a bit of empathy towards him regardless of years of his damaging behaviour, then I started to wonder if I was overreacting about everything. I then went to sleep and had the most horrendous, disturbing nightmare in years, where I was back in the dark family home and being tormented by some kind of poltergeist with my parents sleeping in the next room and completely ignoring my frantic screams for help. I woke up with my heart racing feeling scared and completely out of sorts again. I haven't had a nightmare like that in so long so I know it was because I was thinking about him.

I can't help but feel that my sub-conscious knows so much more about what happened to me than I can currently remember. I always end up wondering whether I'm deluded and everything that's happened is my fault for being thin skinned and oversensitive. I mean, did I really have it worse than my brothers? Why am I unable to be around NF without feeling extreme anxiety whereas they can manage it? If it was really that bad then surely someone would have stopped him, or at least tried to reason with him? How can I be 30 years old and feel so terrified of the thought of being anywhere near my own father, when other people can cope with it?

I do feel healthier having distance from him which I suppose is very telling, however it feels like I was stronger as a child as I was able to cope with him back then. Perhaps everything I should have felt back then I'm able to feel now but now I'm in the position of experiencing these feelings in a far safer place the response from my nervous system feels over the top and not in keeping with current reality. I guess it's all one big emotional flashback. Does anyone relate to these feelings? I'm not sure I've relayed any of this very well! I possibly haven't posted in the right place either so sorry if that's the case, feeling somewhat tired and confused right now. 

Lately I've been experiencing overwhelming anger about how my father (and really my whole family) treated me and just generally life in general when I was a teenager. It was bad enough having an abusive father to begin with but to then have to watch my mother suffer a cruel disease, die so young and ultimately leave me alone with him at 15 is just  . What makes me really mad is that looking back with an adult pair of eyes I can see that she showed signs of wanting to get out of the marriage and I just wish so badly that she could have made it. It's so tragic and I hate him for ruining and wasting the life of someone who deserved so much more.

Plus my family, I hear of members of the family saying now how awful they think he is but not one person ever reached out and tried to help me when I was alone and needed them most. Not one. They say this stuff and yet will still befriend him on Facebook and send him Christmas cards. I mean, huh?!

Anyway, there is a practical point to this post. I'm wondering what other people do to process their anger. It's overwhelming and I've never felt this so intensely before. I can only assume that for the first time I'm starting to feel safe enough to feel it properly, so I don't think it's entirely a bad thing, though I guess it could be if I misdirect it. 

I was trying to form a sentence today and it just would not come out. I knew what I wanted to say but stumbled over my words. In fact, it wasn't even a long sentence, all I was trying to say was, "That sounds sensible" and I think it just came out as: "Sa sen..."  I tried twice, realised it wasn't happening and then gave up. It was so frustrating and I felt like a very small child. I'm sure the person I was trying to talk to thought it was bizarre but I'm trying not to think about that too much, it was just such a mental block and I couldn't help it. I have had a horrendous day today emotionally after a stressful day yesterday and I think it's catching up with me. I think this is the worst my speech has ever been though and it came as a shock. Anyone else get this? I feel like I would have been better off just staying in bed today.

Something triggered me into a flashback today where I felt creeped out and violated. A couple of my NF's comments came to me that made me feel sick. I couldn't speak about them as a child and didn't necessarily understand that they were inappropriate, as in not full-on sexual abuse but comments with a sexual undertone which made me feel massively uncomfortable. One example is when I was eating as an 8 or 9 year old and dropped a bit of food down my front, the way that children of that age do. He pointed this out in front of my granddad and said, "You dropped food down your cleavage" which I didn't understand. My granddad laughed and NF looked smug. Looking back this was just such a weird thing to say and it grosses me out now I do understand what a cleavage is. How can anyone relate that to their 8 year old little girl? There was also a time around a similar age that he had a friend round and tricked me into reading a story next to a topless photo of a 'glamour' model in his newspaper, then loudly exclaimed that I was being dirty for staring at the woman. I don't think this was right. Dads shouldn't do things like this, right?

Another one that continues to upset me is when my mother died and I started to do our washing together. He pointed at the dirty washing as I loaded it in and said something along the lines of, "What do you think about our underwear swirling about together in there?" It makes me feel sick. He also made comments out of the blue about my body on a couple of occasions when I had hit puberty and said that he had noticed it changing. All this made me feel so uncomfortable. He never acted on anything but the comments still feel perverted and dirty to me and really not the type of thing you should be saying to your daughter. I feel like it really damaged my confidence and made me self-conscious and ashamed.

We don't speak anymore but I think if I had ever have confronted him on this then I would have been told that I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I never laughed though. I never felt happy to see him as a child and just seemed to be an object of ridicule much of the time. Then he wondered why I was distant from him and didn't want to be around him the way I did with my mother, which made me feel like I was inept in some way and guilty because frankly as a little girl I didn't understand why I felt the way I did towards him either. I thought I was the problem.

Sorry not sure if this is in the right place or if any of it is particularly coherent or not. Just felt like I needed to get this out of my head.   

Back when I was 16 I had an appointment with a genetic counsellor regarding the possibility of there being hereditary cancer in my family. My mum had died from it at the age of 51 and my grandmother had the same type of cancer which she also died of. The advice at the time was to seek further advice in my mid to late twenties (little bit past that now - I put off thinking about it!) with a view that there would be greater understanding and more research undertaken to give me more up to date advice.

So this has been on my mind for about 14 years, even more so in the few months since I hit 30, and I finally plucked up the courage today to see my doctor with a copy of this original letter and to see where to go from here. She is seeking further advice on my behalf and has also referred me for a blood test to see if that flags anything up. I'm a bit scared as I do get symptoms of this cancer which could so easily be confused with irritable bowel syndrome, plus CPTSD of course which is mentally and physically exhausting. I am marking this down as a big success in all and I'm proud of myself for being brave and confronting this. In the run up to this appointment I've been practising yoga, taking time out to rest when I need to and speaking kindly to my inner child when I've felt anxious. I was very nervous speaking to my doctor but kept slow breathing and I think I handled it really well. When the inner critic was telling me I shouldn't bother doing this and that I'd be wasting people's time I told Negative Norbert (he has a name now  ) that I deserve to look out for myself and that I have as much right as anyone to get checked out.

I think I did alright. Now going to walk my lovely little dog and chill out for the rest of the day. 

The invitation from NF to attend his wedding turned up in the post earlier in the week. All flying monkeys have been summoned. I'm expected to attend to be humiliated and gaslighted (as if I'd put myself through that). 4 months into no contact last July and out of the blue he proposed to his partner after years of stating that he would never marry her. The marriage itself doesn't bother me, it's the blatant manipulation behind it that rattles me and it's not something I can explain to anyone other than those who have had close contact with personality disordered people and understand what makes them tick. He's always been obsessed with leaving a supposed inheritance and assumes that myself and my siblings care about it with the same vehemence, so I think in his eyes remarrying is the ultimate revenge as he'll probably leave it to her. She's a spiteful, shallow person herself but he's still just using her. I don't know if she realises or if she thinks she has the upper hand but either way it's toxic. Anyway, I just don't care about his money and never have. All I've ever wanted (particularly with him being my only surviving parent) is to have a father who genuinely loves me and wants to know me for me rather than as an object. It makes me so sad that this is what drives him and I'm really in self pity mode at the moment.  Why could he never just want to know me without the guilt, humiliation and power plays?

I also know that this wedding, rather than being a genuine show of love and commitment, is the ultimate way for him to rally flying monkeys together in an attempt to put me in my place. I acknowledge how self-absorbed I sound saying that, but I know it to be true because I know him and what drives him. It's no coincidence that the proposal took place after 4 months of not talking. He gets a huge thrill out of playing the victim and having all attention on him. It's a method of forcing contact from me and puts me between a rock and a hard place: attend and be humiliated, which is his favourite method of torture and control, or don't attend and be the 'bad' daughter. Either way I'm 'bad' and being punished so there's no question of what I'm going to do as I 100% refuse to put myself through that. Underneath my instinct to protect myself though there's such an empty sadness that he plays sick games like this rather than wanting an adult relationship. I think I'm mourning what I've never had/will never have.

Ugh, I had an instant panic response when opening the invitation. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing and I pulled a muscle in my stomach because I tensed up so much. My IBS has flared up for the first time in months and it's painful. I'm so tired and feel very tearful. My own father has this effect on me just by sending me cards! No contact is the best option for me but it does really hurt. Sorry for such a self-indulgent rant, just feeling alone at the moment and felt like I needed to get this all out somewhere in a safe place!

I've got into the habit of being excessive with my alcohol consumption at the weekends and not knowing when to call it a night. The general habit I've got into is having several units each night from Friday to Saturday and then passing out on the sofa and not going to bed properly. I probably end up drinking the same as my husband but he's bigger than me and can handle it. It's just so hard stopping because the pure relaxation and increased inhibition I get from a few glasses feels really good (until my head is spinning and I feel sick). I'm really introverted and an anxious person and it makes me feel more like a happy, extroverted person. I'm not alcoholic by any stretch but I'm starting to feel like this could become a problem if I don't look after myself better.

I wonder if there's anything I could change in my attitude to drinking? At the moment I think I almost use drink like a drug rather than savouring it for the taste. Maybe I should have a rule that I only drink at the same time as eating and have a glass of water between each glass of alcohol. Anyone else been able to discipline themselves better when it comes to this? 

I tried sharing with my husband last night the fact that I really dislike people 'just popping round' to our home, to which he didn't say anything and just gave me a look of disapproval as though I'm completely unreasonable. I then felt so unbelievably angry and alone because it was yet another way in which I seem to be different to other people who can do things spontaneously and not worry about these things. It's hit me that the reason I dislike it the most is because of CPTSD and not knowing what to expect. My NF doesn't live far and the possibility of him coming to my home while I'm no contact with him really triggers me, so whenever 'safe' people knock at the door my fight or flight kicks in and I feel truly scared. Maybe if I had more positive experiences of unannounced visits then I wouldn't feel like this. I suspect it would still annoy me because I love my privacy but I at least wouldn't feel panicky. Does anyone relate?

I haven't had a close relationship with my brother for a long time but we've messaged each other recently and have agreed to meet up. I'm pleased about this but also a bit wary. He's aware of a little bit about my no-contact situation with my father (we haven't spoken for 10 months) but he's only had this from NF's entirely bias viewpoint. I don't think he has anywhere near the background information that I have on narcissistic personality disorders and he still regularly communicates with him. I think he's had a negative experience with him but not to the extent that I have had as scapegoat. I've worked hard to be kind to myself and to create peace and calm within my life for the past 10 months of no contact with my father and I'm worried that this might be in jeopardy if I don't negotiate this carefully. For instance, I worry that if I give too much away about my life and what I'm up to then this might get inadvertently passed on to NF. I feel really protective of my boundaries and peace of mind and I'm feeling anxious now!

Anyone relate to this? Any tips? I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a potential flying monkey situation. I don't want to think that of him but a part of me worries that he won't get it. It also feels like a door swaying open slightly in the breeze just asking for NF to turn up and barge his way through it.   

I'm currently running a lovely, warm bath for myself, thinking how peaceful it is to be an adult where I can safely relax in the comfort and privacy of my own bathroom without anyone banging and shouting at me from the other side of the door, emotionally abusing me for daring to do something pleasant for myself. This is now and those are just memories. It's such a wonderful revelation and I'm so happy to be an independent adult!

What nice thing have you done for yourself today? Or what will you do? Self care is key. 

I'm finding lately that I'm getting much better at identifying my real feelings rather than submitting to guilt as though it's the only path. I felt low on my birthday the other day and it would have been so easy to assume that I was missing my father but actually when I delved deeper I came to the following conclusions about my situation and why I genuinely felt that way:

- The thought of people in my FOO thinking badly of me makes me feel sad.
- People not understanding how bad a time I had living alone with him as a teenager makes me feel sad.
- Never being able to have a relationship with a genuinely loving father makes me feel sad.
- Not speaking to someone who doesn't treat me nicely or with respect doesn't make me feel sad.

It really helped to break it down and simplify what I was truly feeling. My sadness and shame didn't mean that I had to do anything about my non relationship with my father or to try to control anything, it was just there to be felt. A couple of days later I had a lovely moment where I felt like I was able to communicate with my 16 year old self and finally feel her pain properly and acknowledge how unfair it was. A couple of years ago when my father first gave me silent treatment I ended up very depressed and was the first one to make moves at reconciliation because I thought that putting up with being scapegoated was easier than feeling my pain. This felt so inauthentic and I'm glad I chose the long path to getting to know myself properly. I don't know if I'll ever make contact with him again, the last 8 months have just been so healing and to me it speaks volumes about how toxic the relationship must have been on my mental health.

I used to have nightmares all the time as a very young child and one really sticks in my mind, mainly because it was more of a feeling than a nightmare. I remember it being pitch black and feeling as though I was floating face down over the foot of my bed. I was agitated that I felt stuck and helpless.

I've been reading about depersonalisation and I'm wondering whether it could have been that. It felt unreal but real at the same time and just seemed so different to any other 'nightmares' I had (ghosts down the hallway, monsters at the window, etc.) Anyone else experienced anything like this when they were little? It only ever happened once but has always stuck with me and disturbed me.

I've bought myself a jade bracelet (well, not real jade, that would be quite extravagant!) and my intention is to wear it to remind myself not to JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain). My default setting for too long has been to argue out different scenarios in my head a lot and try to figure out what I would say if anyone ever questioned my behaviour, which is exhausting and unproductive. I also have a tendency to recount past negative events and analyse them over and over again as though doing so might actually find some kind of solution.

It's a pretty bracelet and I'm pleased that I'm just enjoying buying myself something nice rather than feeling guilty about it. 

I decided to stop contact with my N father about 4 months ago after he wouldn't accept a boundary that I had requested in order to make myself feel more comfortable with communicating with him. I had considered it for months beforehand and it has felt like a positive step in the right direction for me overall as I didn't feel that I could improve my emotional health otherwise. I am extremely sad that it has come to this and wish I could have a loving father, but I am learning to accept the reality and I'm making much more effort to look after myself. Generally I'm more optimistic than I was, feel more hopeful for the future and I've barely had any IBS symptoms since stepping back, which feels quite telling really.

I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that NF will be smearing me behind the scenes. He sent me his first hoover in the form of an anniversary card the other day as though nothing has happened and I haven't acknowledged it, so I know that won't be going down well. I struggle with the thought that people I loosely know but quite like might no longer approve of me now that NF is trying to get sympathy and telling them how horribly I'm treating him. I guess it's early days and this stuff might get easier in time. At the moment I worry I will bump into NF and his fiancé or be confronted by someone he's been smearing me to. I know it would trigger a lot of anxiety and be unhelpful in terms of recovery but I don't want to live in fear either.

The smears seem like a tricky thing to rise above, particularly so early in no contact when there's still so much healing to do. At the moment I'm just restricting social media and surrounding myself with safe people. I know a couple of people in my family probably have my back and that's quite nice, though upsetting that others perhaps don't. For those who are no contact, do you think your attitude to caring about what others think changed with time? I'm curious about how others have continued to heal while this is happening.

I was thinking recently of how my N (possibly even psychopathic) father gets away with so much and I've come to the conclusion it's because he never does quite enough to be considered a fully fledged abuser that others can easily condone. For instance, he would make very intimidating threats at me which hinted at violence - "Don't push me or I'll get really nasty" - poke me hard repeatedly in the ribs, push me about or slap me enough to really sting, but never enough to leave a mark that could prove any serious wrongdoing on his part. One particularly confusing moment as a teenager was when he silently sat down next to me, asked for my hand and then proceeded to calmly crush the bone of my hand span between his fingers. I question whether it happened even now because it seems so surreal, but I know it did. I didn't protest at the time which is the weird thing looking back, I guess I just knew he had to get it out of his system and hoped he would leave me alone afterwards. I possibly became more dutiful after that as a survival mechanism. The same goes for possible abuse of a sexual nature (frankly I haven't quite figured out what it was... Emotional? Sexual? Just plain creepy?) He picked the lock on the bathroom door when I was about 12 years of age and to my humiliation let himself in and started washing my hair against my will, but no overtly sexual acts... So how as a kid could I ever prove how wrong, humiliated and violated I felt? Same goes for flippant remarks he would make to me as a teenager about how he was noticing my body changing shape (growing breasts and hips basically). It makes me feel sick thinking about it because I really don't think fathers should be saying such things to their daughters. Again, it's not like he actually touched me or expressed any wish to, so even if I had realized how wrong it was at the time I don't think I could have expressed how self-conscious I felt or how much it damaged my self-esteem.

Everything he did to me was stuff that could be twisted round to not seem so bad. It's only been the last couple of years where I've thought, "Hang on, think about this. I'm very uncomfortable and nervous around this man and hate to be alone around him, I experience major anxiety on a daily basis over tasks others don't give a second thought to, I have zero self esteem and have trouble asserting myself to anyone..." and I've realized how much of an effect it's all had on me. I do think trusting your intuition and listening to your body does help sort out the facts sometimes as the brain desperately tries to deny what happened and certainly in my case I thought I might be overreacting.

Not sure what the point to this post is particularly but it's been on my mind a lot and I wonder whether anyone relates. 

Massive step for me as I'm VERY socially anxious and have been avoiding group situations or anything remotely social for years. My heart was racing wildly just sending the email to book it! I'm hoping that doing something relaxing in a room full of people might calm my nervous system a bit, you never know. 

I was looking for some old photos in the loft earlier and realized something I hadn't before now when looking at photos of me as a child: I looked so sad. It was actually heartbreaking to see how serious my 4 year old face looked in so many of the photos.

There are quite a few of me sitting on my N father's lap and he looks so uncomfortable and doesn't smile. My little brain probably came to the conclusion that it was because of me. There are quite a few photos of me with other kids at nursery where they are smiling and laughing and I'm withdrawn and sullen looking.

I've seen these photos so many times before but this is the first time since coming out of the fog. It explains so much as I think I was probably the lost child. I don't know how anyone could have seen a child looking so sad and not questioned why she was like that. Instead it feels like I was made to feel wrong for the way I was and I became ashamed of myself as a result.

Anyone relate to this? I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation! 

I had a knock on the door tonight, about 9pm. My neighbours rarely call round and I doubt my in-laws would have any reason to call so late, so I wonder whether it was my NF, who I decided to go no contact with 3 months ago (though on his part he just thinks he's giving me silent treatment). I didn't actually realize that anyone was knocking until the dog started barking manically. I decided to ignore it as frankly it's getting late and I have no desire to talk to him. My husband has also gone abroad today for a few days (great timing hey!) so I'm just not taking chances.

A couple of months ago this probably would have got my heart racing and upset me. Now though I'm feeling pretty calm and just find it an annoyance that I couldn't answer my door in case it was someone I would have liked to speak to (husband will be installing a security camera soon focused on the door so hopefully it will sort that problem out!) I feel pretty good that this hasn't triggered me and I think disconnecting from my toxic father and practising meditation and yoga is really helping to calm me.

Only annoying thing is that this might indicate that on his part the silent treatment is over and that having failed to get supply elsewhere he's coming back round to me. The lack of anyone to manipulate must be excruciatingly hard for him as he has zero ability to take responsibility for his own actions or self-soothe. I'm feeling more equipped than ever to handle it though.

I love this.  There are many more doodles by this very talented lady here: http://introvertdoodles.com/ She suffers with anxiety and expresses a lot of her every day troubles through her doodles. There's a lot to relate to!