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Thank you so much for your kind responses everyone, I'm very much in the FOG at the moment but you've helped me feel far less alone in this. 

Really, it's no one else's business if you choose not to speak to your father. Is he complaining about it to flying monkeys?

I'm sure it's getting harder and harder to respond to emails and texts, too. Texting him that "it needn't be a drama" is the kind of placatory ending I wrote in letters to my parents, pre-email and cellphone. Ugh. I wish I hadn't bothered.

You're at the point where you're pulled between loyalty to your father and loyalty to yourself. At this stage it looks as though your Self is finally having a win: you're standing your ground about phone conversations. It's not surprising that far from a victory, it feels new, strange and dangerous. But hang in there, blues_cruise! We're all behind you.

Thank you Candid.  I do keep telling myself that it's no-one else's business what I do which helps a bit. I would imagine he is complaining about me to anyone who will listen but I think he's fallen out with any friends he did have or hasn't bothered maintaining friendships with them, so anyone he does complain about it to will be 'new' acquaintances who don't even know me. His former best friend who my father mistreated and took for granted for years confided in me a few years back when I bumped into him while out shopping that he thought my father had been horrible to me and he seemed genuinely concerned about how I was doing. I often focus on that conversation when I start doubting myself because blatantly it was evident to at least one person that I wasn't the nightmare child I was painted out to be.   

My father hasn't even bothered trying to email me, he texts me but only to try to guilt me into speaking to him on the phone. I have an old, separate phone which I've kept just to use to communicate with him and my new phone he doesn't have the number for. This way I can check the old phone for messages when I feel strong enough and I don't feel ambushed in day to day life. You're right, it's getting harder to respond to his messages because they're nothing but pain for me. I'm only really keeping that line of communication out of obligation and guilt and I think if I'm honest with myself it's not really working out. I now fear checking it and when I do check it I'm left feeling anxious and terrible for days on end. I think I might have got to the point where I will need to ask my husband to check it for me, then he can let me know if it's anything worth responding to or whether it's a message that's going to make me uncomfortable.

You're right, though I've been assertive in my response to him which I know is the right way to be, it feels so new and dangerous. I don't feel like I can turn back now though even if I wanted to because I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I reached a similar point about a year and a half ago when he hadn't contacted me for 3 months because he was guilt tripping me, then it felt so overwhelmingly bad that I extended the olive branch to him and was the first to get back in contact. When we spoke on the phone again he was passive aggressive by trying to guilt me about not calling him and not visiting his aunt who I barely know (seriously). There was no apology or any acknowledgement of wrongdoing on his part, even though he had been the one to react badly just because I had had to cancel looking after his dog for a weekend. That's where it all started! Just a simple 'no' earned me 3 months of silence in which time I pretty much had a breakdown and could not function.

I hope as time goes by I do start to see this as more of a victory. At the moment I'm constantly analysing everything, even running his words over in my head in a battle where I'm trying to convince myself that I must be the bad person. I don't know why, it's just habit. I've always been the one to submit and assume the bad guy role because it stops further nastiness for a while. It's such a core reaction now that it's hard to break out of.

Yes, me too, and I'm only now starting to shake that off, about 25 years after the last time I was in a room with my mother. I had criticism and remarks from all round over my social awkwardness, and so few friends that I couldn't afford to offend anyone. But eventually I realised 'no friends' was better than frenemies, and started shedding. I'm still very isolated and lonely but I don't want back the ones I shed. The ones I kept are gold.

I had a 'best friend' for years in my high school/college days who constantly belittled me to make herself feel better. She would get jealous and possessive if I got friendly with anyone else and I didn't want to rock the boat and upset her, so for years she was all I had. So many years of resentment built up and when we went to separate universities it all came to a head in my own mind and I cut ties with her. Years later we reconciled, only for her to pretty much react badly again when I did something she didn't like (in this case I took a raincheck on a meeting we had planned as I had so much work to do, apparently that was a terrible thing). I realised then that frenemies just weren't worth keeping around. I think when you're submissive and tainted by abuse from parents then unfortunately people sense that and take advantage. I know exactly what you mean.

hey, bluescruise,

i don't think you're being rude at all.  i do think you're putting up some self-care boundaries, and i know that whenever i've done that one of two things has happened - a pos., healthy person in my life accepts and respects them while a neg. person in my life somehow makes me feel bad about doing it.  it has never failed.

i think you did a wonderful thing for yourself.  hopefully, the victory will be eventually realized.  give it time.  these people have insidious ways of making us doubt ourselves whenever we do what we need to take care of ourselves.  i'll do a little victory dance for you - you join in when you feel ready!   

Thanks sanmagic. I'd like to think that if I had a child who asked me to communicate differently I would do so because I just wanted to make sure they were OK. I might be upset but I think I would reflect back on whether anything I had done might have caused them to feel uncomfortable and would let them know that I was there if they needed me. I'd like to think that any decent human being would do that. I think his complete rigidity shows how much of a negative presence he is in my life.

Hehe, hopefully I'll start to feel better soon and can meet you on the dancefloor.  It's really nice to have the reassurance that what I'm doing is OK, I'm in so much doubt at the moment.

in his eyes for not conforming to what he has shaped me to be I'm being ‘rude’.

Or, he doesn't see you as rude at all, and totally understands, but is trying to suck you back into the dance. 

My dad used to do the same, it was difficult to not take the bait.

I find it hard to tell because I've relied on other people for so long for pointers on how to behave without assessing whether what they're telling me is true. For me, if I hear that I'm being rude then I automatically think that I must be a terrible person and should apologise. It's only starting to register that maybe other people can be wrong about such statements, particularly him. He has no moral compass and treats people with contempt so I know he's the last person I should be listening to. I only need to look at the number of friends and neighbours he's fallen out with over the years to see that. It's just hard putting the challenge into practice when it's so ingrained to assume I'm at fault.

Bluescruise--
Just wanted to say that your post perfectly expressed everything that's on my mind right now that I'm not sure how to put into words. it was really good for me to hear that and know i'm not alone.
You're not alone either 
I think you're definitely doing the right thing. It's not selfish to put yourself first or hold your boundaries. I don't know all the answer by any means, but I do know that. I'm still working on putting it into practice, but I know that it's not wrong or selfish; it is good and right.

Thanks joyful.  I often question whether I blow all this out of proportion in my head and it amazes me when other people say they are experiencing similar issues. It's good to have validation that what I'm doing isn't a terrible thing. I'm glad you could relate to my post and feel less alone. 

My uNPD father keeps pushing me to speak to him on the phone. I don't want to speak to him on the phone because he is passive aggressive and my anxiety does not need it. I feel better off not speaking to him. The digestive problems I have every single time I deal with him are testament to that.

He sent me a text message asking to speak on the phone after already being told that I prefer to communicate by email and text message. I've reiterated again that text message and email is the best way to communicate with me. He responded asking what's going on with me and calling me rude. I responded just now saying that I'm sorry he feels that way but I don't think I'm being rude, I'm just not comfortable talking on the phone at this present time and I'm asking for that to be respected. I finished the message off telling him that it needn't be a drama.

Now the ingrained shame response is kicking in. Am I being rude? Treating a normal, rational person the way I am him would be rude but my father invented rude. I could have retaliated listing a whole bunch of things he's done which are rude (usual narc things: belittling others behind their backs, shaming, not phoning me for 3 months!) but I didn't because that would be attacking him and the whole point of this isn't that I want to be mean to him, this really is just me wanting to protect myself and grow as a person.

I think that I'm starting to realise that the hold he's always had over me is the fear over how I'm perceived. I'm laying down a preference for my own wellbeing for the first time ever and he can't deal with that, so in his eyes for not conforming to what he has shaped me to be I'm being 'rude'. The next challenge will be trying not to care about being called that, because my whole life has been dictated by what people think of me and the fear of saying and doing the wrong thing in case I upset people. I hate the thought that anyone could think I'm being a mean person, but I think he knows that and has played on it. I've always wondered why I'm so fearful socially and I think that he has nurtured that attitude in me. I think this must be the root of my social anxiety: the belief that if I stand up to anyone or step out of line that I'm a bad person, so to avoid that I must be hypervigilant about doing and saying what other people want me to. It seems so simple.

I still feel on edge and horrible though even after this revelation. I feel so alone too. I was the scapegoat child who lived alone with him for years so I got the full-on emotional attacks from him. Into adulthood I feel like I'm expected to just ignore that it all ever happened and function like a normal adult. I'm well aware that I look to other people as though I'm being rude, difficult and nasty to him but I don't feel like I can heal if I have a direct line with him verbally as I don't have the assertiveness and conversational skills to protect myself. 

Really hoping I'm on the right track with the course I've chosen. The other option is to submit and miserably live in fear of phone calls from him. It just doesn't feel right to myself to do that anymore. 

I've been triggered for the last couple of weeks and it all started because someone wanted to return an item to me which I had sold on Ebay. It sounds so daft that something that minor was my trigger (which in itself has led to me feeling a lot of shame), but it did get a bit complicated and I guess it was stress that I didn't need which has become exacerbated by other things stressing me out. I decided yesterday that since I haven't been sleeping as well lately then I could benefit from being a bit nicer to myself and taking things a bit more slowly.

Today I got my hair cut which was OK, I kept fluffing my words as I spoke to the hairdresser (anyone else get this?!) but it wasn't terrible. I felt like that was enough so started walking home looking forward to a quiet afternoon, then got stopped by a really charismatic, chatty saleswoman asking for a regular monthly donation to a charity. I accidentally said 'yes' to a question rather than 'no', then realised too late that she had said, "So I trust we can rely on you for a monthly donation?" and didn't have the energy to backtrack and explain that I wanted to refuse. I feel mean saying that but money is another of my issues at the moment, I'm not working full time anymore and don't have a lot of spare cash, plus I had already donated this month to a charity. I couldn't even afford the haircut but had already booked in advance!

The one positive I suppose is that I'm not hating myself for this because I know that in a better state of mind I would have handled things better. When the fog descends I just lose any assertiveness, I get very tired, I withdraw into myself, I have trouble articulating my speech and I forget words and basic facts. I usually come through this soon enough, it's just frustrating when it does happen. I could really have done without needing my (already limited) bank of assertiveness today, it goes on hiatus when I'm triggered.

<--- Me at the moment, hehe. I will get through it, it's just hard when my brain doesn't play ball. 

I think it can be a good thing not to watch or listen to any news for a while, at least until you feel like you're in a better place. A few weeks ago I was getting so worked up by the situations in the US and UK that I felt angry every time I heard something new, which would then dominate my mood. I can't control other people's racism and hate speech but I can at least protect myself from hearing about it and concentrate on being a good person myself, so I've really cut back on my news exposure. I'll come back to it when I'm feeling less triggered. 

Bumping this thread to say that I've been following Yoga With Adriene on youtube since January and have found it very helpful. I always, always feel better after doing yoga. I have started from absolute beginner level. She has videos at many levels of difficulty.  She also has specific routines for emotional  states which are nice. What I like about her is her emphasis on movement and expression within the poses. You can hold still if you want, but I am so stiff and cary so much pain that the freedom to angle into sore spots within a pose has allowed me to go further than I thought I could. I try to do 20 min every day - doesn't always happen but that's ok.

Wondering if anyine has found any CPTSD-specific yoga resources?

Ooh, Yoga with Adriene is wonderful. Adriene is really gentle, encouraging and funny which is lovely because I find it stops me putting too much pressure on myself to look a certain way. I just enjoy the moment for what it is. I've noticed over time that practising Yoga every few days (ideally I'd do more) helps me relax and self soothe.

I'm not a confident person and struggle socially but I enjoy it so much that I'm looking for local classes. 

I was adamant this time last year that I did not want to go back on Citalopram. Then I had a bit of a nervous breakdown, couldn't sleep or function and after a tearful admission of hopelessness to my GP I relented. Within about 3 weeks I was feeling better and wasn't waking up at 3am every morning with a racing heart. Every time I stop taking them my mood plummets and I struggle with life. I know that there are lots of negative reports out there about how these drugs affect your brain chemistry but mine is extremely messed up anyway, so brain medication doesn't scare me. Not being on them and feeling the way I did last year terrifies me though! It would be great not to be dependent on medication to retain my sanity but at least it works for me with few negative symptoms. I've known people to have terrible side-effects with SSRIs so they're not the right choice for everyone.

I've had it in various forms. As a child I didn't realise it was bullying (I guess I was conditioned to accept being treated bad from birth) but looking back I can see how the low self-esteem I experienced as a result from living under a tyrant made me such an easy target outside of the home too. People always say that school offers you the best years of your life but I had a hideous time; each year I get older is an absolute blessing to me!

What does annoy me looking back is that teachers must have seen what was going on but said nothing to help me. One even encouraged the kids to make fun of me. I agree with Allie, the powerlessness felt back then is overwhelming.

Thanks Hazy.  It seems to be one of those things which isolates one person when they're targeted, but as you say it's very common. I only work three days per week and he isn't always in the office, so I think I can just avoid him as far as possible. He's worse when his bum chum he sits next to is in the office too because he acts like the big man and shows off. It is incredible how some people never grow up from school mentality! 

Was just reading your last post and feeling very happy for you, now I feel even happier. Go you! 

Choose your favourite shoes
And keep your blues on cruise control

Mine comes from an Elbow song. When I was stuck in my teenage * where the CPTSD truly manifested itself this is one of the songs that kept me living and hoping for better times.

Thank you, Three Roses.  I've downloaded What's Up and it looks very positive, I shall keep it on my phone and try having a time out with it next time he upsets me!

What annoys me about this guy is that he's as nice as anything to my face. It's when I leave a room or he thinks I can't hear him while I talk to someone else in the room that he makes comments. It's so passive aggressive because I can't exactly hear what he's saying so if I did confront him (not that I would in a million years) he could claim that it wasn't about me, but it just so clearly is.

A positive thing though is that I know that he's the one in the wrong and not me, so I'm not abandoning myself over it. I haven't had any treatment like this from the others so at least it's only him being an idiot. It's the sort of behaviour I remember silly little 10 year old girls at school adopting, so it's pathetic coming from a grown man.

Thanks again for the reassurance, it makes me feel a little bit less alone. 

I work in an office and this week I really have noticed that a co-worker seems to patronize and mock me behind my back. I've heard him making offhand remarks to other people as I leave the room and it's one of those things where yes, I'm naturally paranoid to these things, but it is really obviously about me. I'm very quiet and anxious which becomes magnified by 1000% at work and I struggle to communicate with people without having emotional flashbacks. I think he's mocking me for acting weird. I know it's weird but I can't help it, I'm not an emotionally well person. I want to recover and this kind of thing really sets me back as it's not supportive in the least.  I don't think I'm actually very highly functioning to be honest, I find it very difficult. I am starting to wonder whether working in an office is really a good environment for me. By nature they seem to be bitchy places where there is little way of escaping. It's a male dominated environment as well so emotions are seen as weak.

What do you guys think? Anyone relate? I'm feeling low and my self-esteem has taken a real bashing. It was about a 2 on the scale after months of building it up and now it's dropped down to about 0.5! 

Thank you, Three Roses.  Lots of stuff keeps clicking into place just lately.

Well, turns out I struggle with this too...I was aware of the freeze response but didn't realise until reading this thread how badly I have it! I struggle with housework and going to bed the most. I knowthat once I do a household chore it will only take an hour or so and it will look great once it's done, but I suppose I panic about all the other stuff I want to get done and how much time it will take and then get stuck in avoidance mode. With bedtime I often miss it because I doze on the sofa with my lovely, cuddly dog and feel safe and content. I know I'll pay for it the next day and end up waking up at 5am but at the time the moment of being 'safe' feels so much more important. Brushing my teeth, washing my face and getting ready for bed would break the spell. I guess feeling content is rare for me and when it happens I can't get enough and I struggle to let go.

I think for me if I feel OK and safe then I freeze as a self preservation measure, even if in the long run I could really improve the bigger picture by being more productive. I don't mean to be lazy and I torture myself for it but as someone else mentioned there is a feeling of being overwhelmed.

Recently my brother and his family came to stay with me, which was really lovely. There was a lot of talk about the past though and my sister in law told me some stuff about my mum which now makes perfect sense. My mum died she was 51 and I was 15 from cancer, which left me living alone with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive father. I think my mother protected me from him far more than I ever appreciated because once she was gone everything took a nosedive. This I've been trying to come to terms with for a long time into adulthood.

What is fairly new to me is the fact that my mum knew my father's behaviour was wrong and was looking for ways to leave him. I always thought she was a saint for putting up with him but clearly and very much understandably she had reached her limits. He found a box of newspaper cuttings she had kept about women being abused and how to get out of the situation. I've only learnt of this years later, he never told me any of this. Apparently he then gave the box of cuttings to my brother who was about to sit his university finals at the time, talk about passing on the shame.  I wonder whether my mother left this box for him to find intentionally or whether she forgot about it. I also wonder if him finding this box actually made my life worse because I was the only one living with him at the time he found it and he would have taken it out on me. In a way I'm angry because I think this is probably the case, however a big part of me screams, "Whoop, go mum, good for you!"

Little things come back to me about the way he treated her. I only remember her having one friend, a lovely old lady who lived opposite, and I think he probably resented her even having that. I remember being very little and sitting down at the table eating, with him laying into her about something so relentlessly that she got up and went into the other room. This was a shock to me at that young age. I remember how she never bought herself new clothes either and would do her clothes shopping at charity shops. It turns out that he used to criticise her for supposedly spending too much, even though most of her expenditure was probably just groceries and school stuff for us, so she felt she should never have anything new for herself. This was coming from a man who cheated the benefits system at the age of 40 and didn't work a day after that. My mum didn't work for years, even when I was older which I thought was strange. Turns out my sister in law touched this subject when she was chatting to my mum one day and upon suggesting that my mum could look for a part time job she was told that she couldn't bare to leave me alone with him. I knew she wanted to protect me and although I ultimately ended up alone with him for years it is at least something. I grieve for the independence and confidence she never had though.

So now, with an adult perspective on her situation, I find it tragic and I feel so sad for her. She died young after having a hopeless, unhappy marriage where she felt trapped. There is no justice in any of it.  I can only distance myself from his toxicity as far as I can and be grateful for the wonderful husband and stable home life that I now have.