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Sorry for taking a while to reply, I started this response a while ago but abandoned it when my husband came home from work. I don't like anyone looking over my shoulder when I post this stuff.

Does this sound like what you're experiencing? "I have come to call these reactions...emotional flashbacks—sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening and abandoned feeling-states of childhood. They are accompanied by inappropriate and intense arousal of the fight/flight instinct and the sympathetic nervous system. Typically, they manifest as intense and confusing episodes of fear, toxic shame, and/or despair." (From http://pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf)

Yes, i have experienced this as well. My whole body tenses, getting ready for an assault, even tho i know it's preposterously unlikely.

I am a little better these days but still need to work on social anxiety. Good luck, hang in there!

Thanks Three Roses.  Yes, Pete Walker describes it perfectly! Social anxiety is so hard to cope with when you know that in order to feel better you ultimately should be reaching out to and trusting people. It just feels so alien to me to be relaxed around anyone other than my husband!

I really panic at work whenever someone I subconsciously deem as being higher up/better than me addresses me. Specifically the panic occurs when someone approaches my desk, which I think is because I feel trapped. My main symptoms are a racing heart and facial flushing, the latter of which has a negative effect because I get embarrassed about how it might be misconstrued (all the men in the office probably think I fancy them!)  I really don't!!

Has anyone had any success in overcoming this kind of panic? I've read self help books and I take anti-depressants which help the free floating anxiety, but these social triggers are just immense and I'm not sure how to move forward.

This really rang my bell for incidents as an adult.

I've worked in many, many settings, so I do know that the setting you're in will matter to how you can find ways to cope.

I now work in an office by myself - which has TWO doors. If someone comes in one, I can still get out by the other. It has helped me tremendously to not feel so trapped. When any coworker or boss enters, I instinctively check the other door.  I still flush in the face when authoritative males enter the office, but I'm able to listen past my pulse in my ears and resolve why they're in there as fast as possible.

Is there any way to center your desk so you feel there is a circle formed, if he pushes towards one desk side, you can run out of the other, helping with that trapped feeling?

If it's a cubicle situation, can you set up a small mirror - like a make-up compact mirror - to allow you to just flick your eyes and see anyone approaching? That may give you time to practice a slow breath or two before turning around.

I don't really have any answers. But, I do have several personal rules - never alone (never be alone with a male co-worker, especially not a boss).

Teasing can be about most topics (then they think I blushed because of the topic), but NO physical contact. I don't allow male coworkers to touch me even on the elbow - I seriously protect my personal space.  I also tend to talk loud enough that the two folks in offices near mine can hear me. I don't know what I think that's giving me, but it makes me feel safer, so I do it. One other benefit about this is that gossips rarely trust me - I'm too loud to keep a secret (so they think).

I also plaster a smile on my face even if I don't feel it - any flushing then can be guessed to be part of the smile and less because of intimidation.

Wife#2, thank you for sharing. Although I don't like the thought of you suffering too it does make me feel less alone as it sounds like we experience similar reactions. I sit in a very small room with two doors to the front left and the main door to freedom on the front right. If people stay by the door I cope far better than if they approach my desk. I can't reposition the desk but I wonder whether having the window open next to me might help. I don't open it at the moment because it involves standing on my desk but the fresh air on my face might distract me a bit.

One fortunate thing for me is that there are rarely many people in at one time and they tend to stay upstairs. Me approaching their desks to speak to them also feels like a climbing a mountain but I'm trying to get used to it. I wonder if my desk thing is residual fear left over from school. I had a particularly terrible teacher who humiliated me in front of the class because I was prone to blushing (thus triggering my adult phobia I believe) and a teacher prior to that who shouted at me one day because apparently I approached him at his desk too often asking for more work. I guess when you have little confidence to begin with due to a parent who acts similarly at home then it sticks with you.

I also stick a smile on my face even when I don't feel it. It helps when the person I'm speaking to is smiley too but I feel a bit daft sometimes when it's supposed to be a serious conversation!

I think for a long time people at work thought I was a stuck up mare for being avoidant but hopefully I've been brave enough on a few occasions to be sociable and quash that a bit.

that is really hard to cope with, blues_cruise. echoing what Wife#2 said, is it poss to make your desk so that you can have two 'entry and exit' points to your space? just a little change might really help find it easier to cope with this. also the EF management techniques, cos i agree, it does sound like it triggers an EF for you.
hope you can find ways to help b_c, 

Thank you, arpy1.  To be honest when I started this thread I hadn't looked at the Pete Walker emotional flashback management techniques for months, so it's no wonder I've been getting lost. I'm going to print off the techniques and keep them in my bag so I have a reminder of how to help myself when I'm out and about. 

I self-fathered too, Dutch Uncle!  I refused to spend time buying my NF a present he wouldn't appreciate for a day that doesn't particularly apply to bad fathers, so instead I just chose him a neutral card and bought myself a box of chocolates. 

Yep, I really freak out at certain types of noise. For instance, this morning I was dozing in bed when I heard someone outside start to use an electric drill. Immediately I felt panic and my heart started racing. It's because when I was a child my narc father was always making a noise while he did work on the house he was renovating and he would intentionally do it while people were still sleeping. Then he would randomly storm into a rage shouting for anyone still in bed to get up. Having a lie-in or just sitting down relaxing was not allowed. I knew realistically I was safe in my bed this morning but it upset me so much I had to get up in the end.

I have an irrational hatred of the high pitched motor noise from smaller motorbikes too, it really cuts right through me. I don't think it's directly linked to an emotional flashback but I really can't stand it! In fact, I struggle to tolerate any loud, sudden noise. Even when it's a sudden loud laughter from another table in a restaurant, it really sets me on edge.

Iv been living with this since I was 3 it think, and it entered my awareness something like 5-6 years ago I read I understand a lot of what is exactly going on in my brain in my emotions in my body. But It offers little comfort or sanity these days. Sometimes I have almost normal moments, those shine an awful perspective on what my normal is. It leads me to a perspective other people cant handle so I have been quiet, but people cant seem to handle that either. I know what I need to maybe really heal but thats out of my reach right now. Im not even sure what else I could do anymore, its not like I have money, and I find no solace these days, I have a future if I can only find it in me to grasp it yet Im inclined to tuck and roll and let everything fall apart because sustaining is taking more out of me then Im starting to feel its worth, so Im looking right now for some new perspecive, took some time off of work on a trip right now delivering a sailboat, but even here I am haunted Im getting to a breaking point...... there is no help for me, professionals let me down and you dont heal attachment issues alone. I can accept things for way they are untill they are not even if I feel this way.

Anyone who hasn't been through trauma can't handle it because they have no similar experience to reflect on and relate to. When I feel I'm doing well I reach out to 'normal' people on what feels like a shallow, superficial level because I seem to be more on a level plain with them, but if I'm having a tough time with CPTSD I recoil from them and come on here to speak to people who do get it. Unfortunately as much as you might yearn for people to change and become more understanding they won't because they're ignorant. I don't mean that in a completely derogatory way to them, it's just that for me personally unless someone has lived in fear throughout their childhood and grown up being belittled and humiliated by caregivers then they're just not going to understand how devastating it is into adulthood.

I've never felt safer than on this forum to share how I really feel and people seem to truly understand. I don't bother sharing anything with anyone outside this bubble anymore, it just leads to frustration. I hope you're feeling a little bit better, if not I think there are a lot of people here for you if you need to vent further. x

Glad to input just a small piece blues!

As my T puts it the only good thing about having an on going chronic neurological illness is that I have access to a clinical psychologist on the NHS here in the UK, which not many have here lol.

Hehe, good, it must help! 

Yeah, I can totally relate. My father told me that "I must have taken it the wrong way," when my mother told me at 10 years old that my father was going to kill me. I mean, how on earth can a 10 year old critically think about a statement like that!?  It goes without saying that I'm NC with them and the rest of my FOO.

No 10 year old should have threats like that against them, in fact no adult should either! They sound disgusting. Good for you for being NC. 

I really panic at work whenever someone I subconsciously deem as being higher up/better than me addresses me. Specifically the panic occurs when someone approaches my desk, which I think is because I feel trapped. My main symptoms are a racing heart and facial flushing, the latter of which has a negative effect because I get embarrassed about how it might be misconstrued (all the men in the office probably think I fancy them!)  I really don't!!

Has anyone had any success in overcoming this kind of panic? I've read self help books and I take anti-depressants which help the free floating anxiety, but these social triggers are just immense and I'm not sure how to move forward.

Can't see your post anymore but hope you're holding up ok artemis. 

Being poked is horrible, my NF always did it to me really hard so that it hurt. I don't think your sister realises how invasive and rude it is. Maybe try doing it to her yourself when she's silent to get your point across that it's not nice.

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's sad to think that other people struggle with this too but also a comfort to know that there are those out there who understand. 

To be honest it's not like I even expect too much support from the monster in law, it would just be nice to not feel like I'm a complete social pariah in her presence. I seem to just get a weird stare from her whenever I try to make an effort as though she can't make me out.  I don't think she's particularly self aware herself so probably doesn't bother trying to figure out why someone else's personality would completely change from happy and content to blatantly troubled.

Hi Blues,

To be honest I don't know the answer to this as it took me years to confide in anyone and even now there are very few people that know my background. Even on here I can be quite reticent to share. I'm sure others will come on here and share their experiences.

The only thing I can relate too is having something wrong that people can't see. I have MS and have had it a long time but unless you saw me struggling in a relapse you wouldn't know the was anything wrong. I've lost a lot of friends and even some family can't cope with it. Especially as sometimes I have to cancel at the last minute because I'm ill or just too damn tired.

My guess is though that in this case it's your Mother in law, in line with many  of the last generation still struggle terribly with mental health. I find my youngest children understand  it more than my peers or elders.

Just my twopence worth but there are a lot of people like her around. Just chalk it up to experience and next time share with someone you know who will at least show some sympathy.
In the meantime take a  , it's miserable feeling 'different', believe me with arthritis, MS, IBS and CPTSD I know.

Thank you Sweetsixty.  Sounds like you have a lot to silently cope with, to have CPTSD on top of your physical illnesses must be hard. I think you're right that it's probably a generation thing, mental health awareness seems to increasingly be on the radar these days thankfully. For instance, I admire Prince William and Kate for using their status to spread greater awareness. Hopefully there will be far less stigma against talking about psychological problems for future generations.

Does anyone else feel like they're judged really harshly sometimes for having had a horrible childhood? When I had my breakdown last winter my own mother in law who I thought might show some compassion after having anxiety herself and her own difficult mother seemed to instead completely distance herself from me. I've since learnt that rather than asking me personally about the difficulties I've had with my father she chose to ask my sister in law behind my back at a barbecue we hosted, as though it was a juicy piece of gossip. It really angers me that as soon as you're not happy or bubbly when in another person's company they just run away as though they're going to catch something, yet they still want the insider info on what's going wrong in your life.

I really feel like I've been judged harshly for not having a good relationship with my father too, even though I endured so much pain and terror when I lived alone with him. Why is it always the abused that end up being the ones who people think should fix everything?! It really drives me crazy. 

Sorry no real point to this message other than to rant! Does anyone else relate?

I think CPTSD is such an overpowering mental condition that I couldn't realistically work through my 'issues' and function a normal life (work, pay bills etc.) without anti-depressants. I tried and pretty much ended up having a mental breakdown. Maybe I could reconstruct my neural pathways given time but I don't think I could do this with all the standard pressures of modern life, I would need a lot of money with which to jet off to a tropical island somewhere and meditate daily with absolutely no pressure or distractions. Given the nature of the beast I think the tiniest upset can trigger us. As children we should have had the safety net and reassurance to learn how to navigate the world without feeling fear or oppression, which is what anti-depressants can allow you to do.

I think if you do have severe depression then you need the lift to get back into the realms of recovery. Once you're stuck down that black hole and the ladder's been withdrawn it's hard to see a way out without a little bit of help sometimes.

Just my two pennies' worth anyway, I think it's probably different for everyone and you have to try everything until you find the help that works for you. 

 

I weaned myself off anti-depressants last year around this time and gradually started to feel terrible again. It all came to a head in early December when I went back to my doctor and just immediately started shaking from lack of sleep and crying. Yep, back on the anti-Ds for me! There is no shame in it though. You have blatantly been through many dark times to develop CPTSD and how many people would realistically cope easily after going through what you have? Depression is so misunderstood and I don't think there is ever a quick fix to it, it takes time for the neurons in your brain to reconstruct and build pathways.

Have you been back on the anti-depressants very long? I found when I went back on them I had to just do the bare minimum to survive while waiting for them to improve my outlook, almost like having the flu and accepting I just couldn't function very well for a while. I recommend ignoring every single thought in your head as being due to illness until the brighter thoughts return. You may feel fearful and feel like you are going to lose everything but these thoughts are not necessarily based on reality and can be taken with a pinch of salt.

You're in my thoughts, be kind to yourself. 

Okay this is a weird one, and it's not a result of the abuse, more a result of neglect, technically.
I lack a few basic life skills. I find organisation impossible, my room is virtually always messy, if I'm early for something it's a major accomplishment and my social skills aren't well developed.
It never really dawned on me that social skills should, to an extent, be taught to you by your parents. But someone on this group said something about that and it really clicked with me.
I feel kind of missing a lot of teachings that are probably common in parenting. For example, I am late  to everything. Like, I majorly struggle with being on time or early to ANYTHING to the point where it is an issue, and it is affecting my life. I try and try to fix it but I just can't seem to, this has been going on for years. Now when I was still in primary school (About 10 and then onwards) I was late to school virtually every day because my dad dropped me off late (which did distress me as I was embarrassed to be late everyday). So, I never grew up with the habit of being on time and now I can't seem to undo this habit of being late for everything, all of the time. It's really hard! Which is so annoying because I hate being late. But I just can't stop doing it!
It's like, I acknowledge that I didn't get the best start in life, but I don't know how to fix it for my life now. It's dawning on me that my parents didn't really teach me vital skills, they just shouted at me or got annoyed with me for not doing things right, but they never like taught me HOW to do things right. So my self-esteem would take the hit, but I never learnt anything or progressed.

I'm just wondering, does anyone else have these kind of problems, and what can I do about it now? How do I learn to be an adult?
My main struggles are time management and organisation (with social anxiety and social problems being a whole other issue).

When looking back it does become clear that even seemingly little things did impact our self esteem. At the age of 8 I was often the last one at the school gate waiting to be picked up because my mum and dad went out somewhere and my dad made them late back. Not only was my dad negligent but my mum didn't stand up to him. I think this had more of an impact on my self-esteem than I ever realised. When I was a bit older and had piano lessons he was always late picking me up and once didn't bother at all because he chose to watch a football game instead. I once came back from a school trip too and was dropped off at school from the mini bus in the dark. He didn't bother collecting me to make sure I got home OK so I had to make my own way back. Luckily I had a good friend with a kind mother at the time who walked me home.

So, I relate to what you're saying. Time keeping isn't my best attribute either but it has got better with age. I try to focus on how much I don't want to upset the person I'm meeting and this seems to help get me out of the door. If you're not a great morning person then doing most things the night before works wonders. I never have been great at getting up which I think is because I've been in a depressive state for so many years without realising it, so taking the stress out of the equation in the mornings works wonders. It's little things like preparing your lunch and sticking it in the fridge and setting your clothes out ready to put on; it really helps!

In general my life skills aren't great. I get very socially anxious around people, particularly around those in a position of authority. I'm 28 and so many people my age are having children, but I feel like I've been stuck at the age of 15 for a long time. This is when I lost any positive adult guidance in my life so I'm not surprised. The thought of having a child is terrifying and I'm not ready for it. I try not to be too hard on myself nowadays because I did have a bad upbringing which very few people I've ever come across have had to deal with. The key is just trying to give yourself a break as much as you can and being careful not to compare yourself with others too much.

[going]

I have been agonizing over this problem for ages. Mostly unconsciously (I suppose).
Yet it has been tearing at my heart ever since I started coming out of the FOG.
And now that I'm one year into NC with my female sibling, and factually approaching the same 'status' with my female parent it keeps on tugging at my gut.
Let's call it gut-wrenching, even though better terms are around.

Today I found this article, and it explains quite well to me the difference between Silent Treatment and No Contact.
It doesn't make No Contact much easier, but it has strengthened my resolve.
This has been my take on it, from the moment I enacted No Contact, and didn't even make a contact to say I was 'going to'.
I did it, by going No Contact. Right there and then.

I thought I'd share.
For anybody who struggles with the same Guilt over going No Contact.
The Obligation to somehow remain open that you just 'intended' a Silent Treatment and actually wanted a "mend" but "just acted funny"
And the Fear that it will all backfire on your own conscience some day...

http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/no-contact-silent-treatment/

Thank you for the link, it's an interesting article and covers a lot of points! If you don't mind me asking, do you ultimately feel a bit healthier for having gone no contact? I think the article's right, if you're going to do it then it has to be seen through properly with no half measures. It's amazing how we feel so much guilt over our behaviour to protect ourselves, the abuser themselves doesn't feel a fraction of it otherwise they would change.

I procrastinate due to perfectionism. I don't want to start something for fear of getting it wrong so I hide instead. When I do have to do something for someone else, for instance at work, I check my work a million times before submitting it. If I make a mistake my first reaction is to feel like the world is ending...it's still always an eye opener when in response people are kind and I don't get shouted at!

It's natural to figure that by being perfect we'll be safe.

i think wsg has hit the nail on the head. getting it exactly right for those around us equates with not being in danger of something bad happening to us...  it's a survival technique that served us well up to a point. but it has become a prison to us.

the safety i have now, such as it is, is down to the fact that i removed myself from all the relationships where i was getting damaged in some way.  not so much to do with how perfect i am, more to do with how dangerous they were to health.

Crazy making, isn't it? To survive growing up you have to keep your tormentor on side, whereas as an adult it's safer to get away from them.