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It's so hard but I think the mantra "feel the fear and do it anyway" helps.

That is such a beautiful attitude. Thanks for sharing. 

It reminds me of two quotes:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave (wo)man is not he who does not feel afraid, but (s)he who conquers that fear."
- Nelson Mandela

and

"If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave (wo)man. All (wo)men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened."
- George S. Patton
(updated for gender-equality  )

We are not alone. 

Absolutely! Wonderful quotes there and yay for gender equality.  The more I understand CPTSD the more compassion I feel for those who live with social anxiety, after what we've been through it's no wonder our brains are wired up a bit differently. 

I've struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. Now I know the existence of CPTSD I can see that it is probably a by-product of that, so I try not to be too hard on myself about it nowadays. Unfortunately I had the added problem growing up of only really having one close school friend who was very controlling. Now when I look back on what happened to me I see that she latched on to me as someone weak who she could control as I had already been weakened by my father. Unfortunately as a result I was trapped thinking I could only have one friend and never learned how to socialise with other people.

It's so hard but I think the mantra "feel the fear and do it anyway" helps. I try to remember that I have distorted thinking so I follow how other people interact to get an idea of what is acceptable socially. I think CPTSD makes it harder for us as if you're feeling really down and insecure it feels impossible to connect to anyone on a fun level. I had this the other night when out for a meal with a friend, I was there physically but mentally I was all over the place. If it's not a close friendship then the other person isn't necessarily going to understand where your head's at, you just come across as aloof.

The danger is thinking that it will magically get easier as you get older, which is what I always believed when I was a teenager. Now I'm much older I can see that relationships need to be nurtured and a real effort has to be made. Helps to know who you are though so you can make healthy boundaries with people and find those with similar interests, as you're all aware with CPTSD this isn't easy!

Hi Phoebes. I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it at the moment. Your post really struck a chord with me because I've also been struggling this past week. CPTSD is overwhelming, isn't it? 

I think a start is to recognise that you're not coping and focus solely on yourself. Have you thought about letting your employer know that you're having problems with your sleep? I know you say you cannot make your own schedule but perhaps they might be willing to show some leniency if they know how hard it is for you right now. I wouldn't stress on the big stuff until you feel stable again. I know how hard it is. I've set up an online business recently and I'm constantly berating myself for not doing enough on the couple of weekdays I get off to focus on it (I work 3 days part time for my employer). Thing is, I physically and mentally haven't been coping. I'm finding myself holding my hands up and admitting that now, because if I push much further then I'll have a complete breakdown. I'm opting for a bit of self compassion for a little while until I feel well enough to have another shot. You're not alone in feeling too depressed to make a move, you just need to tackle the smaller stuff first and start from there rather than condemning yourself a failure for not feeling well enough to do what you want to do.

I hope your lab results have turned out ok if you have received them. Everyone makes mistakes and you haven't been in a good place, so try not to be too hard on yourself. 

I hear you on the sadness of letting go of family. I'm in a very weird place right now with my father and it hurts very badly. I also wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. I think it's a start if you can recognise it as an emotional flashback because you can at least refer to the flashback management list. I take it you're aware of this but the link is here if not - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm You're not less of a person for finding it hard to cope. Chances are your repressed emotions are now coming to the surface, so in the long run once these feelings have been dealt with you will feel better. Trying not to be the blind leading the blind here but I think that's what we have to work towards.

Take care of yourself, venting is a really positive thing and I think many people, including myself, relate to what you're going through. 

"You are not what has happened to you, you are what you choose to become."

Can't remember who said that but I love it.

It was an interview I had 2 to 3 months ago which encouraged me to look into my past because it did expose all of my insecurities. My voice quivered, I was shaking, I fluffed up my words, my mind went blank on a couple of questions and I was flushed and sweating throughout the whole thing. I really did feel like a wreck! I went home that night, had a panic attack and had a big tearful breakdown in front of my husband. After talking it through with him I realised that everything bad I felt came round to the way my dad has treated me all my life.

I can absolutely understand how you can feel unable to work, CPTDS makes everything a billion times harder. It can be hard enough for healthy, self-compassionate people to sell themselves in an interview and overcome the nerves, never mind those of us who have to deal with someone cruel automatically putting them down in their own heads! I got by full time in my last workplace but I was so in the fog with my situation that I feel I only managed this by pretending my issues weren't there. In the end I got resentful as I put in 100% and was constantly expected to do twice what everyone else was doing. It came to be expected because I was trying to be super-human constantly rather than being respectful to myself. I was very much a human-doing, not a human-being. People walked all over me as a result.

Indigo, I think it's important to keep reminding yourself that your condition causes you to see things very differently from the way other people do. People can probably see so much good in you that you are unable to see yourself with your inner critic berating you. Interviews are the ultimate trigger I think as you are being judged, but it's on your ability to do the job rather than you as a person (who can really judge you accurately as a person in a half hour interview?) The interview you might have viewed as disastrous might have been fine from the interviewer's perspective, even if you didn't get the job.

If you don't feel well enough to work at the moment then that's ok, CPTSD is a really hard thing to cope with and you're no less of a person for needing to work on yourself for a bit first. 

Haha "The Book" That does make a lot of sense actually, these are feelings I've repressed and ignored for so long. They don't just go away if you don't acknowledge them unfortunately!

I actually got very angry on behalf of someone else recently for the way my dad had treated them, which in turn made me feel more resolved to protect myself from his behaviour. I think I'm starting to see how anger can actually be self-preserving when dealt with healthily.

You put the

Our losses are so great and it is a big part of who we are as people. Maybe though it becomes more and more a part of us rather than a old big ball of pain and regret that sits in our chest or stomach eating away at us.  We shrink it and blend it into the mix when we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment, acknowledge it, validate it, and comfort ourselves.

What a brilliant way of putting it. I'm sure I read somewhere that you can't go round it or over it, you have to go through it to get to where you want to be. Hopefully the more it's acknowledged the less scary it becomes too. I find it helpful to remind myself that I'm an adult now and I'm no longer trapped in the same house as a narcissist, it grounds me to the present. It helps for someone to 'get it', thanks Kizzie. 

That's such a shame but it has proven that things can go well. You weren't to know your client would have an allergy and having pets is a common thing so I can see how it would be overlooked. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but not always realistic. Blatantly you are good at what you do so hopefully you will get more clients who are not allergic.

I always thought I was really wrong for not being good around people so it's a massive comfort to read that others find it difficult too (not that I want you all to struggle, but you know what I mean!)

I worked with a massive extrovert until recently who manages to be friends with everyone and actually wantsto be friends with everyone. Even people she seemingly doesn't have anything in common with she will invite to socialise. I really envy her because I imagine her life is easier as a result. I didn't realise until I left that workplace though how insecure she probably actually is. Every conversation did somehow gravitate towards her ultimately, she constantly played the joker and she absolutely relished it. If anything did go wrong in her life or someone said the wrong thing she would have a massive downer and go really quiet, so although she seemed infallible there was far more to it. I think as an extrovert she reaches out to people all the time to boost her emotional energy. As an introvert I tend to push people away because I find the social stimulus overwhelming. Since leaving that job I have gone from seeing her every day to exchanging a text message now and then. I do think she is bothering with me less because I'm not the happy, bubbly person who wants to talk all the time. I just can't pretend to be like that when the majority of the time I feel emotionally terrible, it's exhausting. Plus I can't open up to people who won't understand, too much chance of getting the, "but he's your father, he must love you deep down!" line.

I relate to what Kizzie has said about the conflict between not wanting to be around people but also wanting to connect with them. When I feel better emotionally I would like to work on my social skills again but I want to be liked for who I am and to be friendly with like-minded people rather than suppressing my true character just to fit in.

I think dreams are your brain's way of doing the housekeeping so you're right, maybe it does mean you can handle it more now and work through the subsequent things it makes you feel. I'm glad you seem to be the following the pattern that Pete Walker talks about, it certainly gives me hope. It's just such hard work, isn't it? One day it all feels loads better and the next it can feel like you're right back to square one! 

I'm just so resentful at the moment for all the opportunities I feel I must have missed from feeling so anxious and socially phobic. I know the logical thing to do is to start living the way I want to in order to avoid wasting more of my life but it doesn't feel that simple. 

I see what you mean Dutch Uncle, they're really similar! You're good at sketching. 

I wonder whether the childhood I had was really so awful sometimes and I still surprise myself when I come to the conclusion that I was very poorly treated by my father. I relate to pretty much all the symptoms of CPTSD and though undiagnosed I believe it highly likely that my dad has a sociopathic narcissistic personality disorder. Yet still my instant reaction is to attack myself and look at ways that I must somehow be doing something wrong! I've really woken up to how cruel and relentless my inner critic (and perhaps more upsettingly, my outer critic) is and the notion of everything not being my fault seems so strange, even though I know logically that I can't be held responsible for everything that ever goes wrong.

There is no smoke without fire and people don't just grow into adults suffering from toxic shame and the ensuing anxiety and tendency for depression for no reason. Something must have been wrong growing up for me to turn out like this because most other people I know have the healthy confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness of an adult which I feel I am very much lacking. I remember all these nightmares I used to get as a very young child and how self-conscious and terrified I felt being around other children at such a young age. Teachers used to say in school reports how serious I always was. That can't have been normal! It's only looking back that I see that I must have been treated badly when I was little too and I don't even remember it. I just really wish I could open my inner core, rub out all the unhealthy thoughts with an eraser and pencil in the healthier alternatives.

Blah, just getting a bit fed up with it all. It feels like an uphill struggle most of the time just trying to be a functioning member of society! 

Yup, me too! I think it's hard to make decisions when you don't have a very strong sense of self (which is definitely my experience with CPTSD- no sense of self, just worrying about what others think of me.) As I kind of explore who I am, my feelings and preferences, it's starting to get a bit easier to make decisions based on who I am.

I entirely relate to that and I think my reluctance to make decisions has been a coping mechanism to avoid the toxic shame I have been feeling when I get something wrong.

This is what I'm wondering! I had an angry reaction last night to something out of my control but there was a nagging feeling that there was much more to it than simply being put out about the trigger. I then had a bad night of poor sleep and woke up this morning feeling overwhelmingly hurt and sad, with lots of mental imagery of negative childhood things that happened.

When I think about it, anger and emotional pain must relate very closely. I think you can often feel pain about what happened to you, whilst also feeling angry at your abuser for causing that pain.

I wonder whether you protect the abuser because you're simply a very compassionate person, stillhere. I don't believe people are born evil, I think they're victims of circumstance. Even though I hate my dad for what he's done to me I do feel sorry for him for being so self destructive and full of negativity and shame. I know that his parents probably didn't treat him well and that's how he became sociopathic. I don't forgive him for doing the same to me though, so although I feel compassion for him I don't want to protect him because that's the role he should have played in my life as my parent, not the other way round.

"Walking through the fire", yeah! I have come to many realisations recently about the past so I think you're right, my brain is trying to make sense of it all and come to terms with what was suppressed for so long.