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Hello

Something that made me feel better is the fact that both my parents are now dead. Looking forward to be feeling much better now.

I had prolems in the past with dating men because they asked about my parents and if they are still alive and they wanted to meet them and I told them my father was dead but my mother is still alive but they cant see her as she is a terrible person and don't want to see me,

Okay so they told me that they think that I am the terrible person and left me....

Well thinking now that maybe I can have luck meating a nice man

And also looking forward making new friends.

Looking forward to perhaps getting a job too. Been a while since I was working. Been ill for a few years now.

allways this problems with talking to people I never met before when they ask what I will do for easter or christmas etc. and I say nothing I will stay at home as usual

Good for you! It's brave of you to say this as there is a lot of stigma surrounding how you should feel about your parents dying. I think I'll still be emotionally scarred when my father eventually dies and always will struggle with it, but I'm also looking forward to the relief of knowing that he won't be able to just pop round my house/workplace out of the blue or leave me triggering answering machine messages.

It is hard answering people when they assume you will celebrate holidays with your parents. I find Mothers Day and Fathers Day the worst. I have no mother which I can just about hide from now if I avoid the shops around this time, but with my father I feel obligated to give him a card and a gift just to stop him using it as an excuse to target abuse at me.

Anyway, sounds like you now have more room to breathe which is great for you. 

Yeah, I know you what you mean KayFly. Even with safe people who I know genuinely love and care for me I worry that I'm going to do something to upset them. I'm very unassertive as a result of only meeting my father's needs throughout my childhood/teens and tend to keep my head down everywhere I go. Now I'm getting serious about wanting to recover I'm making a mental note to stop asking people whether they're unhappy with me, as validation should come from myself rather than other people. Love yourself and all that.

Funny you mentioned your former colleague, Southbound. My boss once said to me, "You always look so guilty about something." At the time it was kind of a kick in the teeth to have someone point it out so brazenly, but now I understand more about what's happened to me I'm starting to see that my instant panic response is not my fault.

I am tremendously heart broken. 

I went through all of the family members that i had been hiding from who were blocked on my facebook, because I knew i was going to get rid of my account, and I wanted to like, in essence, say goodbye to some loved cousins and aunts and uncles.

I so badly wanted to message some of them. Some of the family members I had were close to me for long periods of time. My niece, my sisters, my aunties. And some of my cousins.

Trigger Warning...

Facebook isn't what is hard for me. Life is what is hard for me. I miss my family so much. I miss having something comfortable and familiar. But the truth is, that when i spoke out about what my parents had done to me, no one believed me, or validated me, or respected me. And I don't need that.

The fact that my mother and father both molested me really messed up my life. I was taken advantage of so much after I left home. So part of this list of "blocked" people, are guys, that I considered friends, who took advantage of me (but I couldn't see it at the time), women (one in particular) who kept me inebriated so she could take my things and walk all over me. Living in my home.

I thought these people were my friends. I thought these people were my family.

Facebook is just another reminder of this pain. I don't need anymore reminders. I'm sick of having an avenue where I could so easily talk to people who I love, that I will never have.

I am devastated. I am so grateful to feel my feelings, and to have gained clarity on why I needed to disconnect myself from that world, and why I need to continue stepping into the one that I am in now.

It just hurts so much. I've lost everyone.

Oh I feel so sad for you.  There's so much bravery in your honesty and talking through all this is definitely a step in the right direction. I don't think being on Facebook is doing you any good at all but I understand that the instant sense of belonging you get from it can be hard to walk away from. People who are truly worth knowing are there for you no matter what.