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Messages - I like vanilla

#166
Sexual Abuse / Re: I am not okay. Possible Triggers
September 27, 2015, 01:24:23 PM
Quote from: missbliss on September 27, 2015, 04:41:48 AM
One of the last places on earth I would enter would be a massage parlour - for anything. Just saying. There are places that should come with warning signs. These are places that are rife with sexual misconduct and employees with mixed signals.

Some places are a problem. However, many are fine. As with any type of business, even in the good places you have a chance of coming across a bad apple. E.g. the finest restaurant can be fooled by a lousy waiter (at least temporarily, which is similar to the masseuse that Kayfly had the misfortune to encounter - the massage place did fire him. I suspect that they are now denying it all only to try and avoid liability issues).

Kayfly had the misfortune of coming across one of these bad apples. She had no way of knowing this would happen and cannot be blamed for wanting to enjoy a massage. It is a shame that it happened to her - was done to her. (actually, more than a shame but I lack the big enough word at the moment). However, there is no shame or blame to be attributed to her for trying this activity. I feel angry on Kayfly's behalf and sympathetic toward her. I also feel respect for her that she went for the massage in the first place. For many of us that type of activity can difficult, especially those of us who experienced CSA. I know my first visit to a spa for a massage was initially terrifying.* If my sisters had not been with me, I might have chickened out.

Personally, I now see going for a massage as a form of self care. I have gone for massages where I used to lived. I continue to go to a place close to where I am now. I am fortunate that I have never had to deal with the type of creep that Kayfly encountered, and suspect I likely would have responded in the same 'delayed response' type of way. However, I have gone to the current place several times and while I know that there is a chance that I might come across a creep, I also have experienced many benefits from getting a massage. So, personally, I will continue to go.




*Kayfly, if you are reading this, my apologies for speaking about you in the 3rd person. Please read 'you' when I say 'she' and 'her'. I really do feel that  you had every right to go for a massage and to want to do something nice for yourself. I also very sincerely believe - know - that the blame lies entirely on the creep that did this to you, compounded by the ignorant people you have to deal with since.

#167
Sexual Abuse / Re: I am not okay. Possible Triggers
September 27, 2015, 03:38:10 AM
Kayfly,

What a horrible set of events! Sending good energy thoughts. :hug:

I am hesitant to offer advice, because I am not in your shoes and have only limited information about your circumstances. I do, however, have a lot of experience in academia. I have also noticed you seem concerned about managing your schoolwork load while also going through all of this (an entirely reasonable concern). In my experience, most schools (including post-secondary), at least where I am (again hesitant because I am not sure of your circumstances) have support systems in place for students going through 'major life events' (e.g. accidents, deaths in the family, being the victim of a crime, etc.). Your situation would fit into this type of support system.

If you are very concerned about keeping up with (or not being able to keep up with) your school work load on top of your current situation, you might wish to consider seeing if you school has this type of support. A short 'I am going through some unhappy life events that are affecting my school work, please tell me about policies and systems that can help me' email or phone call to student services, student counselling, or a similar office would likely help you to figure out the process. A friend is also usually allowed to contact your school and ask on your behalf, at least for the initial inquiries.Generally at the start you can stay that general. it is likely you would need to give more details if you choose to go forward, though sometimes a more general note from your T works; similarly to an MD saying 'this person has a physical ailment and cannot go to school for x days, the T writes 'this person is going through a particular situation and requires accommodation from the school' without outlining all of the details - you would have confidentiality privileges either way, though some schools require more details than others).

Again, this is just 'I have information that might help you' thoughts. I am putting them here because I have seen a number of students going through unhappy life events who do not know that there are supports and policies in place for them. Please follow-up on, take some and leave some, or completely ignore these thoughts as they best suit (or don't suit) your situation, your needs, what you know about your school and its policies, and what you decide is best for you not matter what else is going on.

Either way, I am still sending good energy thoughts to you. :hug:
#168
General Discussion / Re: Getting Dressed in the Morning
September 27, 2015, 02:42:31 AM
Kayfly, Thank you for the good wishes. Like you, I try on many outfits in the morning. And, like you, I don't care if my family hates me or not. I tend to hate them if I am having a bad day or actively thinking about them, but mostly I spend my energies in other places. I am NC with most of my biological family so no longer have to deal with them... well except in working to get their messages out of my self.

It's funny, the point I was making with the underwear is that mine do not have to match my clothing. I dress to fit my mood and the situation, which do not always match, e.g. I can't wear my comfy torn jeans to a job interview even if that is my mood. I can, however, wear whatever underwear I like, even if it clashes with my clothing; no one can see it but I know it's there. So, I can wear some type of 'proper interview clothing' but still feel good because I have some crazy pattern on my underwear. It sounds a bit silly (and it is a bit silly) but it does help me to get dressed in the morning.

I am sorry to hear that you had such restrictions of perfection placed on you. I think that is one of the tactics of abusers, eh? As long as everything looks perfect on the outside they can do what they like after that. In you case, I think the 'looking good on the outside part' seems to be literally true. I am glad to hear that you are also building up your wardrobe and finding nice pieces that you like. There is a certain joy in finding a 'right' piece isn't there? I am glad too that you are also getting better. I am new to the board but am finding that communicating with people who 'get it' does help.

Sending good through on your journey  :hug:
#169
Inner Child Work / Re: What Makes Your IC Laugh
September 27, 2015, 02:27:20 AM
Quote from: missbliss on September 25, 2015, 08:46:03 AM
Who has determined factually that the *inner child* laughs? Where is it written? By whom? Can it be proven scientifically? When a person laughs does that translate into the *inner child*? Does the adult self not laugh? The wise mind not find maters amusing?

I know that my Inner Child is laughing because I can feel her happiness and joy. I communicate with her often to see how she is doing, so have a good sense of her moods. I also check in with my Inner Infant, my Inner Teenager, and whoever else needs to be heard, comforted, or otherwise given attention.

When I am laughing, then I am laughing at something I find funny or joyful. I laugh for myself.

I do not need a journal article to tell me this is so, I know it from my own experience.

#170
Inner Child Work / Re: What Makes Your IC Laugh
September 27, 2015, 02:22:31 AM
Quote from: Dutch Uncle on September 26, 2015, 09:03:32 AM
Found this gem while looking for Engrish Signs:

Dutch Uncle, Thank you! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I work in the environmental sector and this really made me laugh. I really needed that today.  :bighug:

#171
Wow! Thank you everyone for the feedback! I am having some trouble with my touchpad at the moment so can't select text to quote bits from your responses (a friend promised to help me fix it next week :)).

Thank you to everyone for the references to articles and webpages. I find I am having a bit of a difficult time reading right now. I had a bit of a difficult incident recently (the 'getting sucked into what might have been a dissociation part of my original posting) so I am still moving in and out of the fog a bit. Fortunately, things seem to be clearing a little.

I did start the article about dissociation and it seems useful. You couldn't know it, but I actually am science/social science nerd so I have some practice reading this type of writing. OK, I actually read this type of article for personal interest and healing even if it does not apply to my work ;-). I think once I am out of the fog, I will process the information better. Right now I am sticking to lighter, more fun reads which I also enjoy :)


Camomille, I appreciated your earthquake example. I tend to agree with where you are coming from. I think it is useful to have terms to describe concepts and phenomenon, I also (like everyone on this board) would like to be respectful of others experiences. But, when I read the article with the T telling his upset client that the upset was dissociation I had my doubts, or at least thought my idea and experience of dissociation were different. I think too that if 'everything' is included under a particular definition then ultimately the definition becomes useless. In the article I mentioned, the client was 'overreacting' because she was really upset when a loved one was late and had not called. To me, it seemed reasonable to be upset in that situation, and even if the woman was deemed to be 'more upset than was appropriate' I still could not understand how that equalled dissociation. (OK, and I admit part of me was thinking, and aren't we women so often being told we're overreacting anyway? I kind of got the impression of that type of dynamic from the article).

Dutch Uncle, I think you might be on to something too. Again, I do want to be respectful of others' experiences and feel that there is no 'better or worse' when it comes to trauma and responding to traumatic/triggering situations; there is only the context that the person is in and whether a particular response is working for a particular individual. That said, I do not know what type of marks my T got in school. I do know he's really smart and quite gifted at what he does. Many times during our sessions he has picked up on something so tiny but so important in what I am communicating to him both in words and meta-communication (body language, tone of voice, etc.). I am not sure how he does it but am glad that he does.

For me, I think it is important to be able to define or describe a concept, so long as it remains a tool to aid discussion rather than becoming a hammer to cram people into a particular box. We, all of us, unfortunately share CPTSD but we all also have some many other traits and experiences. We have a great deal of overlap and common ground in what we are dealing with (that is part of the reason I joined the group) but we also also filter and interpret through our own Selves. For me, I tend to feel safer if I can learn 'everything' about a topic. So, knowing what dissociation is, what it looks like, what is going on in my body, what I can do about, etc. helps empower me. However, I would object strenuously if someone were to tell me (or someone else) that I am 'dissociating in a wrong way' if, for example, I were to be feeling angry instead of afraid about a particular situation before zoning out (my last T tried that on me - good riddance).

It seems, as some of you noted, that the definitions, for now, lie most strongly in the 'centres' of the definitions and less so around the edges. I am OK with being in grey areas (and generally uncomfortable with black-and-white thinking). The good news is that so many of you have given me reading to follow-up on. I appreciate that, both for the information to be gained as well as because I really do enjoy that type of reading :D. On that note, thank you Kizzie for setting up resource sections. That is great.

:bighug:

#172
Inner Child Work / Re: What Makes Your IC Laugh
September 25, 2015, 04:03:38 AM
Thank you Kizzie. What a wonderful question to think about and to answer :D

My IC really likes the cute-funny cat videos on Youtube, but she says 'so long as the cats are not getting really hurt or scared'. Ones where the cats cuddle with dogs and with babies are good too.

My IC also thinks slides are awesome. I often walk around my neighbour, just for walking's sake. Whenever we pass a playground, she insists that we go on the slide. We have a deal. If we can slide without disturbing children playing there then we do so. I am often out early and late when the playgrounds are empty so we get to slide fairly often. If the playground is full of children then we leave the slide alone, but I try to make up for it later when the playground is empty. We have a list of 'favourite slides' and are always happy to try new ones.

My IC also really enjoys blowing bubbles. Recently, I was at a park with a lot of visitors We discovered that many adults have IC that are appreciative of bubbles. Bubbles are great!
#173
If I am at work which is often (like Tiasarah I find it is usually an inconvenient time) I try and find someplace with some privacy, e.g. an out of the way washroom, and breathe, just breathe. I focus on breathing in and out gently and slowly.

If I am able to do anything I want I still try and go somewhere on my own and I still breathe.

Either way, I also try and touch base with my IC and my Inner Teenager, and whichever of my other 'Inner Selves' need to be heard. I find quite often it is one of them more so than the others that is upset. I try and speak to that one gently, reassuring her that she is safe and that I love her and will always protect and care for her. If I am at home, I often hug my (actually, my IC's) big teddy bear. It feels good and also helps me to have the sense of holding my IC.

If I am at home, like many of the people who have already responded, I like to take a warm bath and drink herbal tea. Often I also need a nap, or at least a good lie down.

#174
I have only recently learned that I have CPTSD, and that I often dissociate. I think... Now I think I must dissociate way more than I ever thought or perhaps way less ??? It depends a lot on what dissociation is exactly, and I am getting different ideas from different sources, so am also getting confused and a little distressed.

Recently, I read an article by a therapist whose client was all flustered and 'overreacting' to a particular situation. The client was fully conscious of where she was and had a discussion with the T about her response to the situation. The T noted the client was 'dissociating' because she was responding to internalized emotional cues rather than the situation at hand. The T reported that the client agreed with that assessment. I do occasionally do that but never thought of it as 'dissociation'.

I also have been reading that there is a type of dissociation where you kind of 'leave' your body and take in what is going on around you but from a sort of 'floating' position outside your body, as if you were watching everything on TV. I often do this (unfortunately) along with a type of freeze response along with it - e.g. if a soccer ball were accidentally kicked toward me it would hit me; I would see it coming and know I should move but would stay frozen and 'let' it hit me because I would not be enough inside myself to react. I am, however, starting to learn my triggers and be able to 'grab ahold of myself before I can float away'.

Then there seems to be another form of dissociation where you go somewhere else entirely for a while. During extremely stressful times and/or very triggering moments I do that too. Where it is, for example 10 am, then 'poof' it is 11:15 am and I have no idea what happened in between, because it feels as if it should be only be 10:01 am.

And still yet again there seems to be this cloudy kind of fogginess that I can walk around in and mostly function in, but if I have to handle anything too complex or detailed I try to put the task off for another day or I am in big trouble trying to figure it out (where on another day it would be fine). I have usually just called this 'I must be tired' (even when I have had enough sleep). But I am now learning that this might be dissociation too.

Recently, and most terrifyingly, I did not leave my body so much as got sucked right into it, where a memory (maybe? memory) took hold of me during a therapy session and pulled me in where I could not get out. It was pretty horrible. But, I know that while I was fully pulled into the memory, I was also 'out' of the room. My T was had apparently been talking to me to try and get me out of it, but we had to wait until I escaped. We talked a bit to make sure I was, in his words 'fully back' - I lost time but did so in my body rather than out of it. I think this might be dissociation but I am not sure.

It's a bit like a intro university exam: Q1. Is dissociation 'all of the above', 'none of the above', 'some of the above', 'something else entirely', 'some of the above but these other things too', 'none of the above but this instead' and so on.

I am not generally one to try and box complex concepts into definite true-false types of boxes, but I am trying to figure all of this out. Also, if all of those types of 'being less than fully present' are types of dissociation than I think I might be spending way more time dissociating that I thought possible. That worries me somewhat.

Please, does anyone know? Which of the above are 'dissociation'? Are there other types? If these are not examples of dissociation than what are they?  :Idunno:
#175
Thank you all for the warm welcome and good wishes. Yes, I do still treat myself to vanilla soft serve :D

Boatsetsailrose, my apologies. Yesterday, I was kind of moving in and out of the fog so lost some of my words.

The type of therapy my T practises is called sensorimotor psychotherapy. It is based a lot on reconnecting with your body and feeling the sensations that are going on in your body. I am discovering how disconnected from my body I have been, likely for the bulk of my life. I am also discovering that feeling my feelings, both emotionally and in an embodied sense, is very powerful, if also at times somewhat uncomfortable.

The therapy also includes processing and releasing the trauma energy that was stored during the trauma (often by the 'freeze' response where neither fight not flight were enacted to release the energy at the time). During sessions I literally act out what my body needs to act out in response to whatever it is that I am feeling. I have, for example kicked pillows to 'fight off someone', 'run away from an attacker', and lied down on the couch to feel good about an accomplishment. Most times I tell my T about a situation (past or present) and he asks 'take a moment and see how that feels in your body'. Once I am settled there and tell him where I am at physically, he asks 'now what does your body need to do in response to that anger/fear/happiness, etc.?' then we go with it.

Part of the T's job is also to a) help ensure that we go forward but in a way that avoids retraumatizing me and b) to really pay attention to where I am at too. Sometimes I get in a bit of a spiral and he will gently say 'I noticed you emphasized that particular word' or 'I noticed that you have been twitching your fingers when you talk about that', c) to help me get regrounded (part of the avoiding retraumatization) - 'you seem to be getting quite deeply into the emotional space, do you need to pull back a bit?', '... is there somewhere in your body that is calm, can you feel that and focus there for a bit?'

I have homework to practise mindfulness. I also get homework (often self-assigned, but always agreed upon even if the T suggests it) to undertake activities to help me get back in touch with my body. For example, I recently tried dancing classes, and have started mild exercise everyday (almost everyday), etc.

I think for me it has been more helpful than the talk therapies and EMDR that I tried before in part because I am a freezer ;-) and sensorimotor psychotherapy focuses on releasing that stored energy. I think too that it works for me because so much of my memory is gone or fragmented, which hinders both talk and EMDR practices. With SMP we just start wherever I am that day; sometimes it's with a happening at work, sometimes it is a bad or good dream that I had, sometimes it is with the weather. As my T put it at our 'get to know you' interview, no matter what, you are always feeling something so there is always a place to start' (I had trouble with the last T because with EMDR I often did not have a place to start and she could not, and I think 'would not' help me when I had no solid memory with which to begin the process). With SMP we start where I am. Sometimes it's a straight-isn line from there, and sometimes we end up somewhere completely different but we trust that my body knows where it needs to go and we follow it.

Of course, this all is 'what works for me'. There are many types of therapies out there, including other types of somatically-based therapies. Everyone needs to and gets to choose for themselves what works for them :D
#176
I am an empathic HSP.

There might be a correlation between empaths and HSP and CPTSD, but I would suggest that there is also an intervening variable(s).

It is my understanding, for example, that in an abusive family, the brunt of the abuse falls upon the HSP and/or empathic child. Those on our end of the temperament scale tend to be conscientious; to notice when others are 'off', while also having a difficult time conceiving of those who are so different than us (those who are so easily able to abuse others), so being to 'understanding' of abusers (read we make excuses and try harder where it is not warranted);and to want to be helpful. We are often also gifted in some way. The factors make us favourite targets of bullies, narcissists, psychopaths, and others of their ilk. If we grew up getting the worst of the abuse in the abusive home then we are even that much less able to defend ourselves against those who would do us harm outside our FOOs.

So, we are not so much more likely to get CPTSD as we are to be subjected to the conditions that could lead to a person getting CPTSD.

The good news is that as we learn to value ourselves, learn to make boundaries, and learn to be assertive about our wants and needs (both to ourselves and to others) then we become less vulnerable to those who would try to cause us harm.

The other good news is that even as we heal we get to keep our HSPness and empathic abilities <3 :D
#177
General Discussion / Re: Getting Dressed in the Morning
September 24, 2015, 01:54:37 AM
Wow! Kayfly, thank you for your posting.

I thought that it was just me. Yes, trying on 10 outfits in the morning is a common occurrence in my morning routine. For me, I think it is partly wanting to wear the 'right' thing. It is also partly that I am still figuring out who I am and what I like, so am still working out which pieces to keep in my wardrobe, etc.

For the longest time, I wore whatever my family bought for me for b-days, etc. At one point I went through my closet with a friend of mine, for every piece I said 'so-and-so gave me that one'. My friend finally asked 'does your family hate you?'... Unfortunately, I think several members do ~:)

I am now slowing building my wardrobe with pieces that I like and that fit my size, style, and complexion. It is an interesting process.

One thing I found that has helped me is underwear. (at the risk of TMI :D). I own LOTS of underwear in different colours and patterns. I find that if I can at least find a pair of underwear that matches the 'zone' that I am in that day then figuring out the outer clothing gets a little less important and so easier to decide. Even if my clothes do not fully match my mood, my underwear usually does, and I know it is there, which is important. :D
#178
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello from I like vanilla
September 23, 2015, 05:05:31 PM
Hello,

I have read many of the posts here and many have resonated with me so I have joined.

I struggle with this type of introduction but here goes...

I will start with my user name...

I grew up as the empathic black sheep in an abusive home. This, let's call it, 'upbringing' for want of a better term, messed with my head so badly that I ended up having no idea who I was as a human being. I was so messed up that I, literally, could not even tell the guy at the soft serve stand whether I wanted a chocolate or vanilla cone (luckily there were only two choices or I might have had a meltdown :) ).

I have been no contact with most of my family for several years. I am in touch with two siblings who also went no contact with the abusers. I have been working to figure out who I am, what I like and don't like, etc. One of the first things I did was discover that I like vanilla soft serve ice cream more than chocolate. I am discovering that I also enjoy many other flavours of ice cream, but for me it started with knowing that I could like vanilla ice cream, enjoy eating a cone of vanilla ice cream, and not be punished later for my choice. For me, there will always be something very special about the flavour of vanilla soft serve. :D This taste will always mark one of the first milestones I have had in reclaiming my Self.

Growing up in an abusive home, I have recently learned, also led to me having CPTSD. I have for most of my life known that I 'had issues'. However, it has only been in the last year of so that I finally learned what the root of the problems was; a health care professional recognized it in me. Like many people here, this diagnosis was both a relief and enlightenment, and a concern and discouragement. Right now, I am hanging on to the 'at least now I know what it is and that I'm not crazy' part of things.

I have started with a new therapist (my third on my life's journey). He specializes in abuse-related trauma and CPTSD. He practices an embodied type of therapy that seems to be working for me in a way that the other therapies have not (though the other two individuals did help somewhat). I have been working with the new therapist for less than a year, but for the first time in a long time I have hope that things will get better.

One point that might be important here, is that I go in cycles. I often will communicate with people, post on the internet, catch-up on emails, etc. for a long stretch. Then, I withdraw and cocoon, and close off from the world, inadvertently 'disappearing' from my friends. I have learned to try and give warning to people beforehand, but sometimes the cloud catches me too fast and I cannot give people the heads up. So, if the pattern holds, I might post a lot here, then go away, then come back. I hope that is OK.