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I have a bunch of inner beings. Not all of them are human. The inner-child-type ones tend to be in colours (I think in colours). They seem to arise for me at various times as I work through issues in therapy. I suspect that they 'house' different parts of me (the active, happy part; the scared, hiding part; etc.) that were too big, too unmanageable, and/or too taboo for me to have expressed them at the time. Now, I find it useful to interact with them as they help me understand what they need and want, so that I can try to help get them that. For me, the inner beings all know each other and sometimes interact with one another, either through my prompting or on their own. I find it useful to have these interactions - me with them, them with each other - in helping me to know them and so also to know myself.

I do have some memories reaching fairly far back, but they seem to be much scantier in array, detail, depth, and number than my more neurotypical friends have.

This is a great post. I too have wondered sometimes about people's names.

Mine is because when I started my healing journey I remembered a time when I ran ahead with my brothers to the soft-serve ice cream place. You could choose chocolate or vanilla or a swirl of the two. My brothers put in their orders, but when the ice cream man asked my which flavour I liked, I responded 'I don't know, you have to ask my mother' and did not understand the puzzled look that he gave me. Throughout the rest of my childhood I ordered the mixed cone because it was safest (and also what my mother ordered).

As I started therapy and separating from my NM, I began realizing that I had no idea what I liked, what I enjoyed doing, what I disliked, etc. She had so enmeshed me into her, that I had no idea who I was as a separate person. So, I went out and started trying everything and anything that looked remotely interesting or enjoyable (foods, past times, books, etc.). I still enjoy trying new things to see if I like them.

Along the way, I realized that I like vanilla soft serve cones. I do like other flavours of ice cream, but when it comes to the swirled-on-top-of-the-cone soft serve, for me it is vanilla all the way. I have actually gone to soft serve vendors just so that I can order vanilla ice cream cones. Yum! That discovering was both one of the earliest realizations of how bad my NM is, and one of the earliest moments of something separate that I liked for myself without considering her opinions about it. So, I like vanilla is symbolic to me on my healing journey.

A while ago I did a whole lot of reading on the topic, and yes, women who have experienced CSA often do have physical manifestations of that abuse through pain and symptoms related to our reproductive systems (e.g. painful PMS), and genitals.

That said, it is also possible that you have something of physical concern, so it is probably a still good idea to see a doctor. I know that can be difficult in and of itself, never mind when dealing with our reproductive systems and genitals. But, generally, it is better to deal with these concerns sooner rather than later. Some doctors will let you bring a trusted friend or allow the nurse in to hold your hand if needed/wanted.

Finally, it is entirely possible that, as happened to me, you have something that is going on physically that might be not so bad in a neuro-typical woman, but which is aggravated by the added factor of the experience of CSA.

How BEAUTIFUL Wife#2 - THANK YOU!

I am so glad this posting came up on my feed.

I have just decided to visit the porch. I have cuddled up in a comfy chair with one of the blankets on the shady, forested side with my cat, some herbal tea, and my paints. And Oh! A lilac bush has just sprung up nearby! I can see the bees joyously visiting the flowers and smell the flowers' wonderful aroma wafting over me in the soft, warm breeze. Ahh...

Thank you!!!

I agree with hellipig. Feeling my feelings has been HUGE in helping me heal.

The Spartan Life Coach (on Youtube) gives some suggestions about feeling feelings and working through them.

I think it is abusive even if no serious physical harm was incurred, as the whole situation is clearly focused on the power dynamics between the people involved. Certainly, whether serious physical harm was incurred or not emotional and psychological harm was being done.

The bully (the one enacting the tumbling on the other) is clearly acting to reinforce the idea of power and dominance over the person being tumbled. That whole context of using physical force to exert dominance in a relationship is abusive.

Shame on your therapist for being dismissive of that dynamic. Shame on your T also for being dismissive of your feelings about it. We with CPSTD usually have very good instincts about people and situations. To have someone dismiss and gaslight our feelings is just so wrong and the opposite of what we need to help us heal. UGH! I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.

This is a bit off topic, and scary but I have also learned that because I have had so many blister-raising sun burns as a child, I am now at higher risk for skin cancer as an adult.

Yes, scary but now that I know I am at  higher risk for skin cancer, I am able to take precautions. I now wear sunscreen and/or clothing to protect myself from the sun. I also periodically do a scan of my body for strange moles, including educating myself on what moles-of-concern might look like. I am not uptight about it, but am aware of the risks. Skin cancer is one that is easily treatable if caught early so not one to panic about, but for me, it is reassuring that there are steps that I can take now to reduce my risks (and really, protection from the sun is good practice even for those at low risk).

I grew-up as a fair-skinned child in the 70s and every summer was spent outside in bathing suit and/or shorts and tees/tank tops. Every year was spent with severe sunburns including blisters. We smeared on Noxema each night then went right back out and got re-burned the next day.

Unfortunately, I have no idea if this is 'normal' for the times or not. My FOO was far from normal...

I am a Highly Sensitive Person and we often cry in so-called 'inappropriate' places and times. So, yes, I have cried when making boundaries, especially when I first began and with those who were used to me allowing everyone to take advantage of me.

Finally, I decided that crying or no I will still make boundaries. If I do start crying, and especially if the other person tries to make an issue of it, I say 'never mistake these tears for weakness; they are anger because I am upset with how you behaved, and that is the issue at hand!'. I am finding that it is still uncomfortable to cry but putting it back on the other person for trying to use that as an excuse to change the topic or as an excuse to try and re-gain the upper hand generally makes them uncomfortable too.

CepheidVox unfortunately it is fairly common for those of us to have this type of (non-)memory. I have started to call these my 'body memories' as opposed to my 'story memories' where the former are felt in my body as sensations, smells, fleeting images, sounds, etc. and the latter exist in my brain as a story of what happened.

Like you (and I suspect like many/most) of us, I started with 'I think something might have happened that was terrible but I'm not sure' and 'how could that be that I can't remember something that seems so important' Well, OK actually I started with 'I think something might have happened... but it is also possible that I am making this up in my imagination' because I was deeply in denial. With the gentle support of my therapist, I have come to realize that these sensations are, in fact, memories of terrible things that have happened to me - NO terrible things that were done to me.

Now that I have come to 'acceptance' my therapist has argued that these body memories are as real as my story memories - reading I have done since makes me think that the body memories might actually be more accurate because for all of us (traumatized and non-traumatized) the details of story memories change over time but the body keeps a full accounting of what really happened ((un)fortunately, it often gives no story or details of the event(s)). The current thinking with the body memories* is that at the time the person subjected to the traumatic event was unable to enact the flight/fight response and so that 'get away and/or fight back'** energy was stored in the body rather than released at the time of the trauma(s). This unreleased energy is a big part of the problem with body memories as it stays in the body and is re-activated when we are triggered causing dissociation and/or emotional flashbacks. Because the energy is not attached to stories it seems to hit us out of nowhere, and it is elusive when we try to track it down during treatment (also because it is generally tied to terrifying, painful events that many of us, certainly I, are not keen to 'find').

My therapist has also let me know that (un)fortunately, it is unlikely that I will ever retrieve the stories related to most of my body memories. Because I was too young and/or unable to understand and/or verbalize what was being done to me, my brain at those times was unable to create the story of what was being done to me - I literally did not have the words to create the stories. So, I might never be able to retrieve stories tied to many/most of my body memories because stories were never created at the time of the events. No stories exist in my brain to be retrieved. However, my T has also reassured me that this lack of stories in no way hinders my ability to heal from the traumas I experienced. Again, he focuses on somatic-based rather than talk-based work, so much of what we do (using a careful process to avoid re-traumatizing me) is go with what I have, sensations, smells, etc. and see what comes up related to my emotional responses and also in relation to what my body 'needs to' do in response to what I am experiencing. The idea is to allow my body to undertake the actions that it might have taken had I been able to enact a flight/fight response - in one example, my body needed to fight back, in this case using self-defence techniques that I had learned since, so that is what I did in his office, allowed my body to move in a fighting back way that seemed to respond to the position(s) that I 'must have' been in at the time. I am still uncertain of the details of what was done to me at that time but I really do feel as if I fought off my attacker and am no longer respond so emotionally to that type of trigger. We also spend time just allowing me to feel my emotions related to current and/or past events and seeing where they go and what my body needs to do in response. The feeling of emotions is often painful and scary but again, it does seem to help release and de-activate that stored energy and to help keep new "bad" energy from being stored.***

I almost put in a rant about much of the so-called research about memory (and body memories, so-called, and I would argue inaccurately called, 'repressed' memories) but am realizing that this posting is already quite long, and that I must get ready for work. My overall idea is that if these so-called researchers spent less time and energy (and funding) into trying to put an academic mantle on their quest to gaslight us about our experiences, and more into listening to us and developing strategies to recover from our experiences, then we would be light years ahead of our understanding of trauma and healing than we are now.


*I have done a lot of reading but because it was for my own interests/needs I did not keep track of sources. Bessel van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps the Score addresses these types of memories (though I found parts of that book very triggering). He has also written many journal articles and given talks (found on Youtube) on the topic.

**Yes, freeze and fawn have been added to the responses but my sense is that we develop freeze and/or fawn responses because we learned that flight/fight are ineffective through being unable to flee from or fight back against the abuses that were done to us (though I could be wrong in that interpretation).

***I have found this type of somatic-based treatment very effective for me, and there is literature (largely by van der Kolk and his colleagues) that suggest this is an effective form of treatment for those with body memories. HOWEVER each person must decide from themselves if a particular type of treatment works for them - what works for one person, or even many people, might or might not work for someone else. And that is OK. Trauma and healing are complex and a one-size-fits-all strategy does not (and likely can never) exist. It is also important to recognize that the dynamic between therapist and client is as important as the type of therapy (of any type) that is used. So the key factors are finding both a good fit of strategy and of therapist and client in order for the process to be most effective for that client.

CepheidVox and Boatsetsailrose - 

I think I am going to join the 💩  On That Voice Club started by sanmagic7 and Andyman73, with thanks to both for helping me have a good chuckle even in this situation. Actually, I have been using it already on my commutes. That Voice whispers to me on the train platform and I think '💩  on you!!'. That strategy has been helping tremendously - THANK YOU! 

This happens to me too! Like a group trying to take a walk when one individual wants to linger by the flowers, or wander off alone. It does make me look clumsy sometimes!

That is the perfect analogy! Thank for that and for the good chuckle. 

Escape2Nature, it does sound like what you are experiencing is dissociation. Unfortunately it is a normal part of having CPTSD.

Oops. I have been using NM, thinking that we had it on our list. It shows up on other forums, but I should have double checked on ours. NM = Narcissistic Mother. The corollary of that is NF = Narcissistic Father, which does not apply to me but unfortunately does for others on this forum.